confusedinkansas Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 This is a question for all those that are married and have cheated. Another man/women doesn't matter. I am trying to understand why it is you cheated instead of just being open to your partner and letting them know what you needed. Reason I am asking? I am confused and trying to figure out why it happened. I was not the cheater, and I am not look g for someone to yell at or judge. I am honestly looking for reasons why. Yes I can and have Googled this, but I want to hear it from actually people who I can ask questions back to, not some Internet company that us trying to sell me spyware/keyloggers for my computer. I am not ready to share me story, just trying to understand Thanks Why Cheat ... Instead of talking with our spouses? Excellent Question. My situation is one of - I did try to talk with him about being unhappy. More times than I care to count. He didn't want to hear it. His take on the marriage was that everything was fine. Nothing needed to be changed. He wasn't interested in 'my side' of how I thought things were. He was so wrapped up in HIS Life at that time I pretty much knew it wouldn't really make much of a dent in the marriage. Someone came into my life at the right time at the right place.....paid attention to me, actually wanted to spend time with me & listen to me. The chemistry was there - we thoroughly enjoyed each others company so WE both figured why the hell not. It was fun while it lasted. It screwed me up more than it did my husband. It was a selfish act HOWEVER, IF the affair hadn't happened, we'd for sure be divorced right now & not have a 100% better marriage for it. You will have Betrayed come here & tell you there's NO EXCUSE ever for an affair........I've always disagreed with that theory. I KNOW just from my own experience there's ALWAYS a reason. (The Bolded Part is the WHY)
ladydesigner Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Looking for answers, I am sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like you both have satisfying sex lives and he may be in it for the thrill and excitement. It is something new. I would definitely confront with evidence and if he doesn't make the necessary steps to improve then implement the 180. My H cheated on me for many of the reasons StoneCold cheated, lack of sex. We average about once or twice a week, but my H always insisted on more. I cheated for revenge.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 If you get information from sources that are not 'snooping' or invading his personal space like his phone, will that change anything? What's *your* ideal scenario for how this goes down? I don't think there is an "ideal scenario" for this. I have enough proof so I don't think a PI is necessary. I am having a hard time on the "how" to approach the subject, I don't want a screaming match, I want answers so a decision can be made. I didn't know if a letter, or email would be easier on me but may drag out the whole thing. I amnjust overly confused on my life right now
nyrias Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Cheater cheat for many reasons. The reason why shouldn’t really concern you that much. Of course you should concern yourself with WHY. In a practical point of view, knowing the drivers of cheating may allow one to a) screen out those at higher risks of cheating and NOT to have a relationship with them, and b) create conditions that minimize the chance of it happening after marriage. In an academic point of view, it is interesting and important (as to the prevalence of the practice, as well as the social cost) phenomenon. In fact, people have written BOOKS about the subject.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Looking for answers, I am sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like you both have satisfying sex lives and he may be in it for the thrill and excitement. It is something new. I would definitely confront with evidence and if he doesn't make the necessary steps to improve then implement the 180. My H cheated on me for many of the reasons StoneCold cheated, lack of sex. We average about once or twice a week, but my H always insisted on more. I cheated for revenge. The thought crossed my mind of how would he feel if it was me. That may NE something that is never answered
Owl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Here's my thought. GET ANGRY!!! And do NOT let him try to turn the blame onto you "finding out". Simply don't accept that, and make it crystal clear that the problem here is what he did...not how you found out. If he tries to steer things that way...blow up and shut him down. You need to give some thought on what you want as an outcome of all of this before you do so, however. Do you want to figure out what's going on and attempt to reconcile? Do you want to end the marriage? Give some thought on that...and then give some thought on what the next steps are going to be towards reaching your desired goal. Go INTO the conversation with these already in mind.
Dust Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Of course you should concern yourself with WHY. In a practical point of view, knowing the drivers of cheating may allow one to a) screen out those at higher risks of cheating and NOT to have a relationship with them, and b) create conditions that minimize the chance of it happening after marriage. In an academic point of view, it is interesting and important (as to the prevalence of the practice, as well as the social cost) phenomenon. In fact, people have written BOOKS about the subject. I think you’re confusing what I wrote. Also looking at cheating in the way you describe is counter productive. As far as an academic point of view I don’t find it interesting and I doubt that is the focus of this post. There are things a person should look for in a relationship like closeness, love, respect, fun etc. If the relationship is lacking and you’ve lost all hope maybe this isn’t a good relationship to be in anymore. Of course a relationship like this has a chance of cheating happening. Doesn’t make it right or predictable. I mean you can be in a seemingly loving relationship. Where the girl is pregnant and her man is acting all caring. While in reality he is cheating every free moment he gets and she has led the guy to believe its his baby she is pregnant with while she knows there’s a good chance its not. I think you just have to be yourself. Not be in a relationship lacking respect. You have to give respect to get respect that of course includes honesty. If you’re not being respected that means respecting yourself enough to leave. Even with following your gut and being smart you can’t always stop yourself from being cheated on. If you find out you should probably leave.
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Oh please! why do cheaters defend the right to privacy so much within a marriage? Could it be they are cheating? Non-cheating spouses use each other's cell phone all the time and there is never an issue of privacy. The privacy card is always used by the cheater whenever he or she is caught.:laugh: I'm asking the OP what her perspective is. Yours is irrelevant to her process.
nyrias Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I think you’re confusing what I wrote. Also looking at cheating in the way you describe is counter productive. As far as an academic point of view I don’t find it interesting and I doubt that is the focus of this post. There are things a person should look for in a relationship like closeness, love, respect, fun etc. If the relationship is lacking and you’ve lost all hope maybe this isn’t a good relationship to be in anymore. Of course a relationship like this has a chance of cheating happening. Doesn’t make it right or predictable. I mean you can be in a seemingly loving relationship. Where the girl is pregnant and her man is acting all caring. While in reality he is cheating every free moment he gets and she has led the guy to believe its his baby she is pregnant with while she knows there’s a good chance its not. I think you just have to be yourself. Not be in a relationship lacking respect. You have to give respect to get respect that of course includes honesty. If you’re not being respected that means respecting yourself enough to leave. Even with following your gut and being smart you can’t always stop yourself from being cheated on. If you find out you should probably leave. You are looking at cheating from the perspective that you are already in a relationship. Shouldn't people be aware of potential cheaters BEFORE they enter a relationship and NOT pick those who may have a higher chance of cheating?
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think there is an "ideal scenario" for this. I have enough proof so I don't think a PI is necessary. I am having a hard time on the "how" to approach the subject, I don't want a screaming match, I want answers so a decision can be made. I didn't know if a letter, or email would be easier on me but may drag out the whole thing. I amnjust overly confused on my life right now If you think the evidence is sufficient and indisputable, merely reduce it to print form and hand it to him without saying a word regarding its content. Take it from there. 'There's something I'd like you to read'
Owl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Totally agreed that she may or may not know what she wants at this point. But...she needs to give some thought to what she thinks she wants to happen as of right now...so that she can go into the conversation with that goal in mind, with the required next steps in mind, so that she can "manage" the situation to meet those next steps. If she knows she wants to reconcile...then she needs to think about what she's going to INSIST that he do in order for this to be possible (such as ending contact with this other person, marriage counseling, "open book honesty", etc...). If she knows that she wants to end the marriage based on this, she needs to be ready to INSIST that he leave, give her the keys, etc... Have a gameplan, and work your plan to meet your goals. It makes dealing with this stuff a little more possible.
bentnotbroken Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Why do they cheat? Hmm was a big question in my mind for a long time. The only logical answer for me was...because they want to. No one can make you do something you do not want to do as an adult. Circumstances, inadequacies, abuse, anger, resentment are all used as the "reason", but in the end as a fWS stated recently, they cheat because they want to
Mimolicious Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Why Cheat ... Instead of talking with our spouses? Excellent Question. My situation is one of - I did try to talk with him about being unhappy. More times than I care to count. He didn't want to hear it. His take on the marriage was that everything was fine. Nothing needed to be changed. He wasn't interested in 'my side' of how I thought things were. He was so wrapped up in HIS Life at that time I pretty much knew it wouldn't really make much of a dent in the marriage. Someone came into my life at the right time at the right place.....paid attention to me, actually wanted to spend time with me & listen to me. The chemistry was there - we thoroughly enjoyed each others company so WE both figured why the hell not. It was fun while it lasted. It screwed me up more than it did my husband. It was a selfish act HOWEVER, IF the affair hadn't happened, we'd for sure be divorced right now & not have a 100% better marriage for it. You will have Betrayed come here & tell you there's NO EXCUSE ever for an affair........I've always disagreed with that theory. I KNOW just from my own experience there's ALWAYS a reason. (The Bolded Part is the WHY) But wait, aren't you the one that your H doesn't know you were having an A? Or am I confusing you with another LS'er? But from what you are saying, you cheating was basically a band-aid to your marriage. I may be wrong and don't take it the wrong way but since I am the Ms. Mimo of LS. I predict if you come across someone else who sparks your interest, you will probably cheat again. Just saying... I may be 100% wrong but the "why not?!" and your reason for cheating may surface again.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 It is all so confusing, when, how, what to say etc.
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It is not easy for a betrayed spouse to decide to end the marriage on d-day. Most of the time there is a long process that includes shock, anger, depression and the mourning of losing all the precious happy moments of a marriage. The longer the marriage, the more difficult it gets. At this point the betrayed spouse needs to proceed with discovery and a d-day. Lets see if her H is a real man or a pseudoman. You raise a very good point. OP, how do you process strong emotions in the moment? Are you a violent outburst person, a quietly methodical person, a weepy person, etc, etc.? IMO, process this in line with your style of dealing with difficult and painful situations. No matter how you confront this, it's going to be difficult. IMO, the process should be, irrespective of H's feelings, as fluid and as positive for you as possible. Further, timing should also follow your style. If you are a shove it in his face person, do that. If you're a gather and present person, do that. You've done nothing wrong here. Your perspective IMO should be one of presenting this alleged betrayal of trust in a manner which affords you maximum safety and comfort. Only you know what that process is. I'd suggest seeking out some support in real life from people you trust to keep your confidences. It can help.
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It is all so confusing, when, how, what to say etc. One example: Make appointment with MC for day after presentation. Present data. As H reads and becomes cognizant of what the information is....say this: 'I've made an appointment with a marriage counselor. I think there are some issues we need to discuss. I would like you to join me.' Accept response. Attend counseling session, alone or with him, as appropriate. IMO, the key is sticking to *your* process, whatever it is. Be proactive. Accept that this is a horrible time in your M, and through no responsibility of yours. You have no control over H's actions or perspective. You have 100% control over yours. Own it.
confusedinkansas Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 But wait, aren't you the one that your H doesn't know you were having an A? Or am I confusing you with another LS'er? My A had several sides to it. My husband knows about the initial affair. He also knew that when we were separated the XOM & I were in communication. But from what you are saying, you cheating was basically a band-aid to your marriage. I may be wrong and don't take it the wrong way but since I am the Ms. Mimo of LS. I predict if you come across someone else who sparks your interest, you will probably cheat again. Just saying... I may be 100% wrong but the "why not?!" and your reason for cheating may surface again. You may be right with the band-aid theory - I can't really say for sure. All I know is that things are better than I ever thought they could be. As for me cheating again - NEVER. (I know you're never supposed to say never but I know where I am in life, where my priorities are, what I want & where my heart is- At the time of the A I had no clue about any of that) I am not recommending to anyone to have an affair to fix their marriage. I think we are in the minority when it comes to this topic.
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 BTW, OP, if you do confront and are accused of snooping, try this: 'Yes, I did snoop. You have a valid point. We can explore that in MC' Also, 'why', if our MC process was any indicator, will come out in great detail, presuming both partners are willing to be open emotionally about the process. IMO, better to attempt to deal with this sooner rather than later, while there is a prospect for love remaining in the M. If you wait too long, like we did, and the love is lost (covered that in MC too), prospects are likely dim for reconciliation. Perhaps you can succeed, assuming the continuation of a healthy marriage is your goal, where we failed.
Dust Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 You are looking at cheating from the perspective that you are already in a relationship. Shouldn't people be aware of potential cheaters BEFORE they enter a relationship and NOT pick those who may have a higher chance of cheating? Cheating shouldn’t be your driving factor when looking for a relationship. You want to be with some one you are attracted to. Being attracted enough to seriously date some one isn’t just about looks for me. It’s about respecting and trusting that person. A person earns my trust and respect. That the only reason cheating would ruin a relationship, it destroys the trust and respect that a relationship needs. Cheating is one of many things that can ruin trust and respect in a relationship. If you’ve lost trust and respect for a person it doesn’t even matter if they are cheating or not you should probably end things.
Owl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 The question then becomes whether or not the relationship is strong enough and the wayward partner willing enough to make the needed changes to rebuild trust. Right now, the OP needs to decide what she wants to work towards here, and what to do with the information she's got in front of her.
Geminigrl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Why cheat? Because my H was an emotionally shut down, depressed robot who refused to get help despite me begging, pleading and threatening to leave. Because I was so starved for intimacy that I felt like my soul was dying. Because I didn't have the courage to leave my marriage and be true to myself. Because I spent my entire life living for everyone else except myself and finally I just couldn't do it anymore. And, even when I told my H I was falling for someone else his response was, "I'm sure you will make the right decision." I got caught and i tried for 5 more years with my H....guess what same outcome. So, I cheated again and this time I'm leaving my marriage. BTW, the A is over and it ended amicably. I don't regret it either...not one bit. It gave me the courage to finally exit my marriage. The best part is now that I am finally done, my H wants to work on things. I love it. NOW he wants to work on things...really?
nyrias Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Cheating shouldn’t be your driving factor when looking for a relationship. You want to be with some one you are attracted to. Being attracted enough to seriously date some one isn’t just about looks for me. It’s about respecting and trusting that person. A person earns my trust and respect. That the only reason cheating would ruin a relationship, it destroys the trust and respect that a relationship needs. Cheating is one of many things that can ruin trust and respect in a relationship. If you’ve lost trust and respect for a person it doesn’t even matter if they are cheating or not you should probably end things. Why I should not? Just look at someone like Arnold. If i were female, i probably will never date someone that would be raising all the "future infidelity" red flags.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Ian not a throw it in your face and fight it out kind of person. I don't like being put on the spot and endin up saying or doing the wrong things. I was thinking of emailing a message to the account from my email and saying basically that I knew and there was no reason to lie about it and we needed to talk etc. Don't know if that is the best idea
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I think some folks need an exit affair to end the marriage. I hope you do not go back to your marriage. Your H will not change. However, some folks cheat when they are in good marriages. That is another issue and it seems the IP had a nice marital relationship with her H. Of course I am only the wife and one side to the story, but I beleive we have a health relationship, we are friends and lovers. We agree 90% on the type of family we want to raise etc that is why I am having a hard time with this (besides the obvious that he cheated)
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Ian not a throw it in your face and fight it out kind of person. I don't like being put on the spot and endin up saying or doing the wrong things. I was thinking of emailing a message to the account from my email and saying basically that I knew and there was no reason to lie about it and we needed to talk etc. Don't know if that is the best idea OP, with respect, you're an adult and this is the most important relationship you'll ever choose to take on, that of being and accepting a spouse. IMO, this is something you really have to do face to face. In my case, there was no D-day. I did the face to face and told my now exW exactly what was going on and with whom. Painful? You bet. Was she hurt and angry? Absolutely. Your H needs to own your hurt and anger. He needs to see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice. It's part of the process. This presumes, again, that you are wanting to be proactive and reconcile. I did want our M to continue. If I hadn't I would have just kept things quiet and found a 'reason' to file for divorce. Perhaps, in retrospect, I gave my exW exactly what she was looking for, a 'reason'. One never knows. You'll find your path. The next step you take you can never undo. Choose it carefully. Best wishes
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