Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 This is a question for all those that are married and have cheated. Another man/women doesn't matter. I am trying to understand why it is you cheated instead of just being open to your partner and letting them know what you needed. Reason I am asking? I am confused and trying to figure out why it happened. I was not the cheater, and I am not look g for someone to yell at or judge. I am honestly looking for reasons why. Yes I can and have Googled this, but I want to hear it from actually people who I can ask questions back to, not some Internet company that us trying to sell me spyware/keyloggers for my computer. I am not ready to share me story, just trying to understand Thanks
PegNosePete Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 There is no reason other than they WANT to do it. Any other "reason" they tell you, is just smokescreen, blame shifting, denial or excuses. Nobody held a gun to their head. They did it because they wanted to.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I get that they WANT to if they didn't they wouldn't. I am looking for the why they WANT to. Unhappy marriage? Bad sex life? I see these reasons on some things I have looked up, but if you are married for years why would you not talk to your spouse about what you are missing instead of looking for it else where?
StoneCold Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) I get that they WANT to if they didn't they wouldn't. I am looking for the why they WANT to. Unhappy marriage? Bad sex life? I see these reasons on some things I have looked up, but if you are married for years why would you not talk to your spouse about what you are missing instead of looking for it else where? My story.... I was in an sexless marriage... I raised my concerns to my wife many times and everytime my concerns fell on deaf ears...If I'm lucky; many times it turns into a full blown out fight...I couldnt talk to her about anything without being prepared to fight, so scratch trying to find out why shes so angry because that'll be a fight too. I am not emotionally ready to leave because of my attachement to the kids and I'm sick and tired of talking/fighting....so I cheated because I greatly enjoy sex, I wanted my sex life back and I dont need any more bull****. Funny enough, the bull**** and frustration from cheating is LESS than the bull**** from fighting a pointless fight with my wife....and even if I get caught it would likely just be another fight with my wife, something I hate doing but not unaccustomed to See you assumed that the WS never brings up their concerns.....this is not true; in many cases they raise concerns ( I know others in the exact same place). Unfortunately the other spouse may not care to listen and/or accomodate (for any number of reasons). Its never just that cut and dry..."oh just raise your concerns and they will change" Edited May 31, 2011 by StoneCold
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I explained in very plain language for a couple years what I needed (nothing exciting, just basic care and support) and, finally, that I would seek it elsewhere. I made that choice, to deprioritize the marriage and get my emotional needs met elsewhere. I regret the methodology but not the ending, which was the end of a marriage which was toxic for myself. I hope my exW moved on to a partner who was more compatible and inspired those feelings within her.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 StoneCold- point taken, some people that look else where to get their needs meet have talked to their spouses about it and for other reasons (family/kids) the cheater decides to stay in the relationship rather than end it. Thank you -
Mimolicious Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 According to a lot of cheaters because they found "amazing". Soon enough "amazing" turns into destruction. Nobody wins. I mean, of course there are extreme, unique cases that are all out of a novel but those are very few. As you can see here, in the media, in your hood, cheating hardly ever goes hand in hand with great benefits and happiness. Everyone ends up broken and broke. And it includes more than the two people that are experiencing the "amazing" part of it. It's not a one-size fits all type thing but the proof is in the pudding. People cheat for 1001 reason, yet in most cases disaster is the end result.
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I have never cheated but I've felt strong temptation from time to time and have to constantly remind myself that I'm married to the one person in the world who loves me unconditionally. I've given a lot of thought as to why I feel this temptation now and came to the following conclusion -- it mostly has to do with the fact that when I was growing up as a teenager, and even in college, I was very shy/introverted/awkward and got very little attention from women. I met my wife in my mid-20s and we have been exclusive since the day we met (I am now in my early 30s) so I never got to experience the bachelor's lifestyle, so to speak. I know this will probably sound like I'm full of myself, but over the last few years, I have become a lot more outgoing, learned how to talk to women, advanced significantly in my career, amassed a decent amount of wealth, met a lot of successful and good looking people, and have gotten better looking and exceptionally fit with age. As a result, I now am quite popular with women and the combination of those factors and the fact that I work in an industry where young, good looking women are the primary marketing agents for the products I buy and sell means that I have a lot of opportunities (if I wanted it) to experience a life that I never had when I was younger. I never knew what it was like to have good looking women proactively seek me out, listen to what I have to say, laugh at my jokes, find me sexually attractive, etc. And now that I have all of that there is no way I can act on it which can be somewhat frustrating. Fortunately as I mentioned before I am married to a woman that I am 200% in love with and is herself a very good looking girl. But I can understand why celebrities, professional athletes, CEOs, etc. cheat when they are suddenly thrust into positions of power.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I get the temptation it is a hard thing to walk away from. I have a lot to think over and beleive I may post my story so that I can get some feed back from both sides DS & WS.
Memphis Raines Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Why do they cheat? its the excitement of being with someone new. because those that cheat can't handle having sex with the same person for too long. people who cheat aren't fit for committment, yet they commit anyway. also some like the excitement of doing it behind someones back and the thrill of sneaking around and not getting caught.
nyrias Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Let's analyze this from a logical perspective. First, evolution built us so that we want to have multiple partners. That is, we like 2 more than 1. 3 more than 2 and so on. Secondly, marriage is a promise of monogamy. So the options are: a) Stay monogamy .. and a person will have only 1 partner while on average (not everyone .. but most) wants more than 1. Some people live with it. Many, even those who did not cheat because of other reasons, have the desire to do so. b) Be open with your partner that you want others. Because of social cultural pressure, this is really less accepted. So if a person tries to do it openly, more than likely he will end up with nothing. Nothing is less preferably than 1, not to mention 2. c) Cheat. There is of course a chance of being caught. At that point, there is a chance that the partner will split, and ends up with nothing. There is a chance that the partner will stay, and back to 1. So it is a chance of having more than 1, with some chance of getting caught and left with nothing. © and (a) are probably preferred to (b) for most people because most spouse will split if a person even hint at (b). For those who estimate the chance of getting caught is low, © is better than (a), thus they cheat. (You can easily see that in the extreme case where chance of getting caught is zero). This analysis does NOT address the issue of moral (which some may refrain from cheating just because they believe that it is wrong). Probably there is some element of this in every cheating "decision" even if the decision is not conscious.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Why risk it, why risk everything you have worked years for? Your home, family, wife/husband? There is the thrill, I understand but I don't get why risk it all for some stranger? this is the part I am not getting (unless it is a sexless marriage)
KR10N Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I get that they WANT to if they didn't they wouldn't. I am looking for the why they WANT to. Unhappy marriage? Bad sex life? I see these reasons on some things I have looked up, but if you are married for years why would you not talk to your spouse about what you are missing instead of looking for it else where?I especially hate it when someone cheats & they have kids w/ their husband/wife. Selfish, selfish, selfish!
nyrias Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Why risk it, why risk everything you have worked years for? Your home, family, wife/husband? There is the thrill, I understand but I don't get why risk it all for some stranger? this is the part I am not getting (unless it is a sexless marriage) People have gambling addictions too. Same phenomenon. The fact that intellectually knowing the action is risking a lot does NOT always prevent people from taking it. Furthermore, people probably are underestimating the chance of getting caught. Does anyone have any statistics of whether a big fraction of affairs are ever-exposed? I can see that PAs are difficult to hide but if a person is careful, an online EA should not be too difficult to hide.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 People have gambling addictions too. Same phenomenon. The fact that intellectually knowing the action is risking a lot does NOT always prevent people from taking it. Furthermore, people probably are underestimating the chance of getting caught. Does anyone have any statistics of whether a big fraction of affairs are ever-exposed? I can see that PAs are difficult to hide but if a person is careful, an online EA should not be too difficult to hide. I never thought of it from that perspective... Thanks
StoneCold Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Why risk it, why risk everything you have worked years for? Your home, family, wife/husband? There is the thrill, I understand but I don't get why risk it all for some stranger? this is the part I am not getting (unless it is a sexless marriage) Well when you read into what I was saying....your marriage may already be at serious risk...cheat or no cheat....people weigh the situation and make a decision based on the factors at play...sometimes they make a good decision and sometimes they dont. Thats not much different from anything else.... and also...whos to say they are risking it for a stranger? they are risking it for themselves
StoneCold Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I can see that PAs are difficult to hide but if a person is careful, an online EA should not be too difficult to hide. I would think it the other way around.... sex is just sex....juuk and go. But affairs get dicey when the emotional aspect kicks in....because it will get to a point where its written all over your face...there are expectations when emotions are involved....HIGH expectations; it can change the way you bahave at home; it will force a change in your patterns; suspicious calls; making excuses to always go out to see this person you now have feelings for; silly risks taken all in the name of "love"...
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Ok here is my story, or I should say my side to the story.. I have been married for 12 years, I was married young and we started a family young - 3 kids.. I would love to say it has been nothing but blissful happiness but I would be lying so, been through about everything together, drug addiction, bankruptcy, lost house etc. We got through it thankfully. We are now back on our feet, nice home, financially stable, etc. Now to get to it. We are busy but always try and find time for each other together and in our own with separate friends. So to get to it.. Recently discovered email address I didn't know about. (it was left on his phone) read through some emails, things I am sure anyone in my situation has read... Personal ads, emails back and forth, pictures etc. Some went back and forth for awhile, others didn't. Then then one I was afraid to read. "had a great time the other afternoon, would like to get together again, I liked it when you did xyz to me etc" Now I am lost and do not know what to do, he e-mailed one of the other contacts and said he got an amazing BJ.. Weather that was it or not dies not matter. How do I confront him with out it turning on me?? He travels sometimes and I am not sure what to think may have happened on those weeks. He also knows I have been cheated on in the past by an ex, and often tells me how guys he knows have cheated when traveling, and how he leaves the room/ bar etc. BTW - for being married 12 years I beleive we have a good sex life, almost daily, try new things etc. Yes there are times when we get busy and a week goes by, but most of the time, we both have a great sexual appetite. Please don't give me.. Get tested, kick him out, etc beleive me all this has crossed my mind, I want answers before I know what to do. I do have others to think of in this Thanks
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I would think it the other way around.... sex is just sex....juuk and go. But affairs get dicey when the emotional aspect kicks in....because it will get to a point where its written all over your face...there are expectations when emotions are involved....HIGH expectations; it can change the way you bahave at home; it will force a change in your patterns; suspicious calls; making excuses to always go out to see this person you now have feelings for; silly risks taken all in the name of "love"... I think it is at the sex is sex stage as patterns have not changed, not on phone to unknown people etc
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Definitely get a baseline STD test if you've been sexually active with him, protected or unprotected. It's your life. You don't need answers to do that. It's a simple battery of tests. Up to you how to proceed. What do you have to gain by surveillance, snooping, confrontation, etc? What do you have to lose? None of us can climb into his mind or scrotum. He owns that territory. What do you do with your information and perspective? What do you want right now? If a PI came to you with a video of him fµcking another woman, what would your next step be? TBH, given your history and the information you apparently have, I'd suggest just that. Spend the money, get undeniable proof one way or another, then act. Clean, done.
StoneCold Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Ok here is my story, or I should say my side to the story.. I have been married for 12 years, I was married young and we started a family young - 3 kids.. I would love to say it has been nothing but blissful happiness but I would be lying so, been through about everything together, drug addiction, bankruptcy, lost house etc. We got through it thankfully. We are now back on our feet, nice home, financially stable, etc. Now to get to it. We are busy but always try and find time for each other together and in our own with separate friends. So to get to it.. Recently discovered email address I didn't know about. (it was left on his phone) read through some emails, things I am sure anyone in my situation has read... Personal ads, emails back and forth, pictures etc. Some went back and forth for awhile, others didn't. Then then one I was afraid to read. "had a great time the other afternoon, would like to get together again, I liked it when you did xyz to me etc" Now I am lost and do not know what to do, he e-mailed one of the other contacts and said he got an amazing BJ.. Weather that was it or not dies not matter. How do I confront him with out it turning on me?? He travels sometimes and I am not sure what to think may have happened on those weeks. He also knows I have been cheated on in the past by an ex, and often tells me how guys he knows have cheated when traveling, and how he leaves the room/ bar etc. BTW - for being married 12 years I beleive we have a good sex life, almost daily, try new things etc. Yes there are times when we get busy and a week goes by, but most of the time, we both have a great sexual appetite. Please don't give me.. Get tested, kick him out, etc beleive me all this has crossed my mind, I want answers before I know what to do. I do have others to think of in this Thanks Theres no way to confront him without taking some heat as you did go through his phone. But it seems to bother you quite a bit so I recommend you just take the heat and confront him.... "I went through your phone...found this info...whats up?" you can start there
Dust Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Cheater cheat for many reasons. The reason why shouldn’t really concern you that much. A cheater is a very dishonest person. Their insecurity allows them to justify their infatuation with another person as a reason to cheat. Some times they enjoy the excitement of cheating. Some times they look at relationships as place holders. That means once they decide a relationship is over they would rather start something new with some one else instead of being single. Some people don’t have it in them to break up with a person. So instead they just cheat. A really nasty way to end a relationship. The reasons go on and on. Its drama. Its nasty. It shows weakness of character. As far as the person cheated on, their weakness comes if they ignored or settled on some one. In the end its not their problem and they shouldn’t consider it their fault at all. Other then not leaving the person when certain things were made obvious.
Author Looking for answers Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Theres no way to confront him without taking some heat as you did go through his phone. But it seems to bother you quite a bit so I recommend you just take the heat and confront him.... "I went through your phone...found this info...whats up?" you can start there I know I will take some of the heat and am prepared for that, I was not going through the phone because I was suspicious I was just trying to look up concert tickets, his phone was sitting there so I grabbed it. Like I have done a million times before. And I know it does not matter how or why, I still looked and kept looking.
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 If you get information from sources that are not 'snooping' or invading his personal space like his phone, will that change anything? What's *your* ideal scenario for how this goes down?
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