blizzard Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 After 16yrs of being together...one month shy of 10yrs of marriage...3yrs of a marriage dissolving...2 of in house seperation...each of us "having an affair" during this seperation... He wants to give us a try...realizing it's going to take time. He says he has been reading various materials to better himself and us. But I only see him txting. 3,000 txt in one month. And info that he lied to me about a trip he took to visit a friend. Now that he isn't working for several months it's like he is ready to conquer the world with "things to do." It's such a pattern. But, as soon as his job requires him to return he will check out on all of us again and become the "i can't" man. I am here. Getting my ducks in a row. A few weeks into filing for a divorce that has been stale due to finances, kids, etc. i was strong. ready for this divorce. my mindset. and here we go again. guys i am just so tired. so very very tired. if i go through with the divorce...he will blame me for not trying. But god knows...and i know...i have sit back and allowed him to show me something. For years. *sigh* and a mental mess.
Steen719 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 After 16yrs of being together...one month shy of 10yrs of marriage...3yrs of a marriage dissolving...2 of in house seperation...each of us "having an affair" during this seperation... He wants to give us a try...realizing it's going to take time. He says he has been reading various materials to better himself and us. But I only see him txting. 3,000 txt in one month. And info that he lied to me about a trip he took to visit a friend. Now that he isn't working for several months it's like he is ready to conquer the world with "things to do." It's such a pattern. But, as soon as his job requires him to return he will check out on all of us again and become the "i can't" man. I am here. Getting my ducks in a row. A few weeks into filing for a divorce that has been stale due to finances, kids, etc. i was strong. ready for this divorce. my mindset. and here we go again. guys i am just so tired. so very very tired. if i go through with the divorce...he will blame me for not trying. But god knows...and i know...i have sit back and allowed him to show me something. For years. *sigh* and a mental mess. I know where you are coming from...it is hard to let go. But, maybe there is enough blame to share and if you do not accept his blame, he cannot give it to you. I know that sounds easy, but you can do it. Lies, lies and more lies...it just leads to more lies and pain. Let go and start looking toward the future. When someone "checks out", you cannot get them back in.
Author blizzard Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I know where you are coming from...it is hard to let go. But, maybe there is enough blame to share and if you do not accept his blame, he cannot give it to you. I know that sounds easy, but you can do it. Lies, lies and more lies...it just leads to more lies and pain. Let go and start looking toward the future. When someone "checks out", you cannot get them back in. wow you just opened my eyes. i really have never accepted the fact that he also had hand in our marriage dissolving. i complain about what he doesn't do or hasn't done...but ultimately down myself because i am the one wanting the divorce. i haven't really looked at from that perspective because i have spent so much time beating myself up for being the bad guy ending our marriage. Moreso because he tells me i am i guess it stems from the fact he wants to try in his own way. And my heart isn't in it anymore. Really, I suppose I am the one that has now checked out. Thank you...
Author blizzard Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 It is soooo hard to let go, even when it is no longer working, the hope that it might one day start working again keep us hanging in there! you are very right i am not sure that it ever has "worked" that is what makes it so hard to try. it's as if he would have to completely change who is...completely! i am scared of letting go...scared of telling him it's over when he now wants to try again. is it fair that i tried to watch for any change in him this past year...without making him aware of it? that's what confuses me about "change." when you are under the microscope is it real? real change? and our death of our marriage isn't about housework or superficial things...it goes deeper. i don't see why one should "try" at having a marriage...shouldn't the desire just be there? try seems so forceful to me i don't want him to try...i just want him to be himself...but someone different.
Author blizzard Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 He wants me to read a self help book about men...??? I understand men. I get it. But I also know there are many different kinds of men "out there." I believe that he and I are so just so different. Why do I need to read the book? He says the books have helped him. Oh wait...he txt me...the books have helped him and that we need to communicate. Sooo? he is txting me? Great communication:rolleyes:. He txt me about my anger issues. He doesn't understand why I am so angry at him all the time. He believes it is intentional b/c I am a typically a kind person. I don't think he read any books....no evidence of it.
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