DesperateDan Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 My gf finished with me after a fight, I knew she would come back so I played it hard to make her realise she can't finish with me like that in an argument. 3 weeks later, she has tried, I have been cold. She has now given up, changed jobs, changed email and her mobile, deleted facebook and told me she will send me her new contact details when she is ready to be friends in a few months. Thats totally not what I want, any help appreciated, have no way to get hold of her, no mutual friends, she has deleted all online presence. I think I pushed her away too hard?>
Kodo Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Just a few questions: Was it the first and only fight? Why were you fighting? Why did you push her away? Was this an attempt to piss her off and take control of the situation? Or you trying to force respect?
Author DesperateDan Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 No we fought a few times, this time I guess I wnated to teach her I wouldn't keep going back, so when she tried to talk to me I either ignored her or was very cold. When I realised she was going I tried to get back to being friendly again but too late, no way to contact her, changed her phone no and I am scared she will use next few months to get over me?
Chi townD Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 No we fought a few times, this time I guess I wnated to teach her I wouldn't keep going back, so when she tried to talk to me I either ignored her or was very cold. When I realised she was going I tried to get back to being friendly again but too late, no way to contact her, changed her phone no and I am scared she will use next few months to get over me? Then so be it. Sorry. But, she reached out to you and you didn't take it. She took your silence as your answer and she made a decision for herself to move on. Now, if she was reaching out to you only to be your friend..well, then you're better off starting out fresh and single. I would chalk this up to lessons learned and apply what you've learned in your next relationship and not to repeat the same mistake.
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It's a risky game you played. Ignoring someone or going "Cold" is never really mature in my opinion, although sometimes it seems like the best defense at the time. Communication is the key to all situations, even being mad at someone. Instead of playing the risky cold-shoulder game, you could have told her everything you're telling us right now. "Look, I still care about you, and I want this to work out, but part of me is saying to not make it so easy for you to fight with me and then act like you're leaving me and then I take you right back. Do you understand that is really hurtful and not something you should say lightly? I hope you can understand if it's gonna take me a few days to feel like we're back to normal again, but we'll get there". Maybe somehow you will come across some way to contact her online, IF you really want to apologize. Sometimes it is hard to decipher our own motivations, are you just regretting that your coldness actually succeeded and you wish this person was still pursuing you and now your pride is hurt? If she hadn't given up, how much longer were you going to make her deal with it? When were you going to really consider giving it another chance? It's human nature, we all do it, now that she gave up you feel like "oh crap". But you did it for a reason, obviously something was telling you not to give in because you feel unappreciated. We all want what we can't have, and now that she stopped trying, suddenly you seem more interested in her. Are things just better this way? She tried for 3 weeks and you didn't open up to it. Now she moved on. Maybe this is just how it should be? Or do you really want to take ten steps backwards and realize you messed up and now have to undo it all? If you can't find her anywhere online, there's always the old fashioned writing a letter, or trying to find her in person without being a stalker about it. But now the roles will be reversed, and you'll be trying to change her mind, and she'll probably be cold to you too. Are you sure you want to do this back and forth battle? If you truly think you love her and messed up, you'll figure out some way to get the message to her. But just analyze your real motivations. She gave up, walked away, now suddenly you're interested, make sure it's not just your pride being hurt that someone stopped trying. Good luck!
Author DesperateDan Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 No she wanted us to try again slowly and told me how much she missed me and loved me. I told her to stop pestering me and back off, which she totally did so I then tried to be friendly again but wham all her numbers emails and work have changed and she sends me a msg from old no saying Pls don't get in touch, I will be in a few months when I am ready to just be friends? You think she has had enough? Or maybe she will try again?
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 All we can do is go by what she said, yeah it definitely sounds like she has had enough. Maybe you'll hear from her in a few months to be friends or maybe she'll approach you sooner and want to talk about things. But this is a good time to analyze yourself, you told someone to stop pestering you and now you regret it. Making sure you don't say things that you don't mean when you're upset is an important skill to have. Realizing you could have communicated with her better all along instead of just being cold, you can try to learn and work on that, for if she comes back, or for when you meet someone new. Let girls do the ignoring/cold shoulder type of thing, that's how they are good at being upset haha. You gotta own your feelings and speak up, you definitely should have just told her you want things to work out but you didn't want her to think it's that easy to threaten that she's leaving you and just come back right away. Being cold is just really harsh. I think most people (myself included) would rather get yelled at, or be told what they did wrong, then to be ignored or treated coldly and left to try to figure it out on their own. Just give it some time and space, you both need time to think, getting back into it right now just won't solve much even if you could find a way to contact her. Let things happen as they happen for a few days, see if she gets in touch. Give yourself time to make sure 100% how you feel, before you end up doing something again that you regret. Trust me, I've been there before giving in to my childish pride, I have successfully gotten girls back by working my way through repairing an argument, and then we'll be sitting there having dinner and I think "why the hell am I with her?". Sometimes the ego inside of us just wants to know that we are wanted, just wants to know that they would take us back. Just chill for a couple days, watch a movie and let her wonder what you're doing.
usabup Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 No she wanted us to try again slowly and told me how much she missed me and loved me. I told her to stop pestering me and back off, which she totally did so I then tried to be friendly again but wham all her numbers emails and work have changed and she sends me a msg from old no saying Pls don't get in touch, I will be in a few months when I am ready to just be friends? You think she has had enough? Or maybe she will try again? If I was you mate, I'd move quickly on this one. You obviously took it too far and now she is in the process of shutting off from you. I would write her a letter or go and see her....like today! But even then, I would say your chances are very very slim now. Once a women decides to put up an emotional wall against you, its pretty much impossible to pull it down again. And with every passing day now, she is going to become more and more shut off from you. Seriously, move to make this right with her NOW.....but don't hold out too much hope.
rayne05us Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Wow...that's a lot dude, I gotta be honest. If someone I was in a relationship with told me that, I would do just what she did. I mean, just because you and her have an argument, doesn't mean you have to lose all respect for the person. I hope that's not how you treated her throughout the relationship. You can't just push someone away in order to get your way. No one is saying you can't argue, but if you're gonna fight, fight fair...just because you think she's wrong doesn't mean she actually is...right and wrong is such a subjective thing most times. It also doesn't negate her emotions, but that's pretty much what you told her. If you really love someone and respect them you are a willing to fully hear their side of the story and understand/accept their emotions, even though you may not agree. If I were you, I would respect her space (which shows respect for her) and if/when she's ready to come back, hopefully by then you will have learned to show her some more respect. This isn't meant to be harsh, but it's honest and I think you should really comprehend the severity of this. I doubt she's far from perfect, but that's not your concern...you can only take responsibilty for YOUR own actions and make sure you do the work to change what needs to be changed. Best of Luck
rayne05us Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 If I was you mate, I'd move quickly on this one. You obviously took it too far and now she is in the process of shutting off from you. I would write her a letter or go and see her....like today! But even then, I would say your chances are very very slim now. Once a women decides to put up an emotional wall against you, its pretty much impossible to pull it down again. And with every passing day now, she is going to become more and more shut off from you. Seriously, move to make this right with her NOW.....but don't hold out too much hope. I understand what usabup is saying here, but she's obviously pissed at you and doesn't want to see you or hear from you right now...and I know seeing someone I'm pissed at, makes me even more pissed. Respect her space...don't tell her you're going to respect her space, just do it. She needs time to cool down and think...and YOU need time as well to figure out how you're gonna make this work. I'm telling you, contacting her right now is going to dig it even deeper...Give her at the very least a few weeks or more and maybe try to talk a LITTLE bit, but don't push it. You give her pressure, she's gonna run.
sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) If you go after her now that she's asked for space, it could get worse b/f it gets better. Even my horrible b/u wasn't this catastrophic on her social life. It could've been she was going to change jobs/phones anyway..but a lot of that requires some sort of changing permanence to another permanence..not done lightly. Weigh if they were about u...then if you feel they were...respect her request for space. Any grand gestures now will have the effect of scaring her...I agree with Exit's analysis full-tilt. You played a dangerous game instead of communication..she checkmated u. Happens to the best of us. And that's not to say you didn't do it for the right reasons..but again, if she'd given in in 3 weeks...would you have made her wait in confusion/silence 2 months...she was probably led to the conclusion that you were immature. Just use your subsequent ACTIONS to prove otherwise. Words/gestures r useless now if these changes were b/c of u. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Author DesperateDan Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I don't think the job change was because of me, but changing her mobile and her email address and deleteing facebook etc yes I think so. It seems like she turned the tables? I tell her to back off (I didn't mean for good) and now she has gone. Do you think maybe she's just playing and will come back?
Mack05 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I don't think the job change was because of me, but changing her mobile and her email address and deleteing facebook etc yes I think so. It seems like she turned the tables? I tell her to back off (I didn't mean for good) and now she has gone. Do you think maybe she's just playing and will come back? I think she is gone mate. Every person has their breaking point and when they hit that point of no return, usually there is no coming back. Sadly all of us have mistakes that we have to live it. It's how we learn from those mistakes going foward is what counts..
Exit Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 None of us can really answer that for you. Did she just turn the tables and wants to treat you like you treated her for a bit before coming back? Or is she gone for good? Of course none of us know. If I were in your shoes, would I expect her to come back completely on her own? No. I would try to make some form of brief contact, send a letter snail mail if I had to, and tell her (without being dramatic, sappy, or pressuring her) that I do regret the way I handled things, I should have explained myself instead of just going cold. I would not expect a response but at least I would know I told her the truth. If nothing else, if she really is gone, accept that you have learned a lesson. Going "cold" is not a mature way to express your feelings. Next time you're upset with someone and don't want to be a pushover by taking them back right away, SAY "I'm upset with what happened and I don't want to just be a pushover every time this happens", don't do the silent treatment.
Author DesperateDan Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Sadly she is very very attractive and because she always came back before, I thought she would again? I am still hoping she will, I sent her a friendly message just before she cut me off, to let her know I wasn't going to be mean anymore I guess its normal to feel like this, I do love her, but I push and push and she took it until now
rayne05us Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 So if she comes back, will you stop doing the pushing??
Author DesperateDan Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Yes I would. Heard nothing for over a week? I think thats bad?
usabup Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Yes I would. Heard nothing for over a week? I think thats bad? Well, I wouldn't say it was good. She is obviously trying to move on without you now.
Author DesperateDan Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Maybe I should get in touch and be friendly? I could send a card to her address? I am concerned that after some of the things I said to her she will decided she doesn't want to be friends after all, or maybe I give her a few weeks? Very unsure. I really thought she would be in touch.
sinnister Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) Maybe I should get in touch and be friendly? I could send a card to her address? I am concerned that after some of the things I said to her she will decided she doesn't want to be friends after all, or maybe I give her a few weeks? Very unsure. I really thought she would be in touch. And you want to give her more physical evidence? I know you're trying to weigh all of your options here..but unless there's another reason besides you she's gone through the trouble to change these things..you're on a slippery slope. I had a tremendously messy b/u and it wasn't half the stuff it seems with you. Still, to be fair, some things could be have changed b/c of the new job..and this explained, unless she's told you not to contact her anymore. Doesn't seem like this situation would warrant this extreme..but people r individuals..this could be both her way of sending you a message that she didn't appreciate how you handled the end..and a clear NC campaign to remove your memory. Every attempt you have of trying to break this leads you down more of a slippery slope. You have one last play with this..but it isn't some card to her house/apt. All you can do to see if she still has the slightest feelings about your memory is to send her an email with a read receipt. Make it nice and unintrusive and after that DISAPPEAR. Check up on whatever site did the receipt but leave her alone until she contacts you. With that all you're doing is seeing if she thinks about you enough and how often to see what you have to say..that's it...it's false hope, esp if she's ignoring her heart for her brain (which she kinda should..can't just go freezing out people)..but it'll still be something..hopefully to add confidence/cool in keeping NC Just from this point forward..be cool..not ice..not cold...just cool. You're tired of a situation going a certain way...don't disappear n pout...communicate that disappearance in needing space or work it out then...with the leaving being on the table if those actions/arguments keep repeating. I know you were trying to shift the power dynamics back in the r/s...but looks like you left her in the rain, and she took her ball (the only ball from what you're doing now) and left. Edited June 5, 2011 by sinnister
Author DesperateDan Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 She has asked me not to contact her until she is ready to be friends? in a few months?. My worry is if I wait for her, she will be over me, or she will think I am going to say hurtful things again and just decided not to bother or she will meet someone else. For her a week is a long time not to contact me, she constantly texts, which I used to find annoying but radio silence is freaking me out.
Author DesperateDan Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 I know she really loved me and I know I really hurt her, I think this is her way of forgetting me, but she doesn't know I am sorry, thats what kills me.
sinnister Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 She has asked me not to contact her until she is ready to be friends? in a few months?. My worry is if I wait for her, she will be over me, or she will think I am going to say hurtful things again and just decided not to bother or she will meet someone else. For her a week is a long time not to contact me, she constantly texts, which I used to find annoying but radio silence is freaking me out. She is already on the path to doing all the things you feared. All you'll be doing by pestering her is reaffirming why she thinks that way...she will think you're all about you. Now again, one last email and vanish...make it as long as you want (if you just have to contact her) and VANISH. The ball is in her court..anything you will do from this point...especially if she's changed so much so you can't have more instant access to her..probably at financial cost...will piss her off to the point where she labels you a stalker. Go out the other way...be willing to lose what you most feared..even if you have to be dragged off babbling your last reply..but get it out and start walking away from her..b/c she's running away from you.
John Davis Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 No she wanted us to try again slowly and told me how much she missed me and loved me. I told her to stop pestering me and back off, which she totally did so I then tried to be friendly again but wham all her numbers emails and work have changed and she sends me a msg from old no saying Pls don't get in touch, I will be in a few months when I am ready to just be friends? You think she has had enough? Or maybe she will try again? You pushed too far man, why did you do that? She said she misses you and loves you so you should've given her a chance. Hurry up and fix it;) Put yourself in her shoes, and she must also vice versa.
Author DesperateDan Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 She is already on the path to doing all the things you feared. All you'll be doing by pestering her is reaffirming why she thinks that way...she will think you're all about you. Now again, one last email and vanish...make it as long as you want (if you just have to contact her) and VANISH. The ball is in her court..anything you will do from this point...especially if she's changed so much so you can't have more instant access to her..probably at financial cost...will piss her off to the point where she labels you a stalker. Go out the other way...be willing to lose what you most feared..even if you have to be dragged off babbling your last reply..but get it out and start walking away from her..b/c she's running away from you. I need to find her new email add first. Guess I just can't belive that the tables have turned so much in a month, now I feel I have lost her I am panicking although still hoping she will be in touch in a month?
Recommended Posts