shortee143 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 So I'll keep this as brief as can be since no wants to read a long novel Ex and I were friends prior to dating, dated 7 months, dumped me via phone bc he said he didn't want to be in a relationship (is that true, idk, he's going thru many life changes, or it could be the usual "line"). I did my best and agreed and said ok, no begging, all I did ask was if we could talk in person, he refused. He really hasnt given a poop bout my feelings since this ended, as long as he was fine, I was supposed to be too. So, here's the problem. 3 months into the breakup, and it seems to be just getting messier. We have tons of mutual friends, many of whom I knew first, but he lives in a house with them as he moved into a spare room while we dated. Although I dont go there as often to avoid it all, I cant just stop my social life bc of him, but its hurts, def not a pleasant situation after a breakup when he wouldn't give me the time of day to say anything or understand his sudden split. He just recently, when I was over for a party had lady friend over, who I know, and excused himself from the party to have sex with her, OUCH! Him and I were civil at the party, i didnt make a scene over anything, and even the next day he deleted me on facebook. Its silly- we have to see each other so much, why be immature? I'm the one who is so badly hurt, and I'm trying to be the mature one! (he is def going thru this get drunk and party phase and jus giving a crap about himself kinda thing ugh, mind u he is 26) So anyway, I know I need know forget this loser, and that i dodged a bullet, but the hurt is so painful and is lack of regard for my feelings. Seeing an ex is the worst, but it just isnt an option to not. It's like he wins, gets all teh fun with MY friends. SO do I just pay him no attention what so ever anymore? I have tried me best to get him to maturely talk to me to just leave things in the best place we can, but its a lost cause. I always thought giving no reaction is just the best way to go bc it gives little attention, or is it better to go the "kill em' with kindness" approach? Ahhh I hope this get's easier, it's so painful being around him but i don't want to miss out on good things with my friends. Good luck to any going thru heartbreak, it is the worst, but nice to see all the support here! thanks for any input!
Kodo Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I find making friends is pretty easy if you're a decent person. So make new friends. You'll never be reminded of your ex and that way you don't feel empty or lonely. It can be nasty to see mutual friends go, I'm in a similar situation. But keeping them around may hurt you. So what's the point?
Author shortee143 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Yes- true. I am hoping to meet some new people at my new job, plus spending time with other friends. I def do not hang with our mutual friends every weekend anymore, just about once a month now. I just don't know if I can cut them out of my life. I was in some of their weddings, known them for the past 6 years, celebrate many things together...and now he lives with 5 of them, so it's hard to not be in the same social setting, we get invited to all the same events etc. It's a lose, lose I suppose, I hurt, or I lose important people. Ahh...plus they all will be very displeased if I throw my friendships away and dont come around. BUT lesson learned, I am going to date outside my social circle next time! I sure hope time helps!!
Kodo Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 At the same time your mutual friends SHOULD understand the situation. They should respect your wishes and never discuss the ex. Also you can limit the contact with them, don't have to avoid them altogether. Basically it comes down to what you are comfortable with.
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah I would just keep in limited contact with those friends for right now, you don't have to bail on them completely, but wait until you heal until you try to make a decision about how you can act around him. Some day it will be easier for you decide if you just want to ignore him like he isn't even in the room, or if you can handle being nice to him and going to events where he is going to be included in the group of friends. For now, focus on yourself, nothing wrong with some alone time, or like suggested above, if you still crave social activity, try meeting new people. It's not a lose lose, you don't have to choose between being hurt around him or giving up your friends. You just need to give it time and eventually it will be a win win, you can go hang around with your friends and you won't even care that he's there. Yeah, mutual friends can be a blessing and a curse, I thought it was going to be so great that my last ex I met her through my best friend and he had a gf so the 4 of us would be able to hang out, and it just ended up causing a lot of problems.
Freesia120 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I gotta to say you are quite strong to be in the same setting with him due to having mutual friends.You need some "me time" and I'm sure your friends understand what you are going through isn't easy. You could still touch base with them over the phone to keep the friendship going but you want to stay clear of the ex until you are strong enough or completely healed.....It's time to make more friends. Going through a similar situation where the ex shut me out for weeks and then said he thinks he isn't ready for a r/ship and yes he doesn't seem to think what he did was wrong so I shouldn't be hurting wth?? You keep it positive it's hard but do things that keep you happy
Author shortee143 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Kodo- you are right, if I tell them I just need a month or 2 away they should understand. I know they want me to have the screw him attitude, and come have fun, much easier said than done. I dont want them to not invite me, i just want them to understand why I might politely decline. Exit- You are right when you say it is a blessing and a curse. First I thought this is so great, we can all hang, all know each other, so easy! HOWEVER, then the breakup occurs and you realize wow this is terrible. I am very much looking forward to the day is is a win win, when I can see him and feel indifferent, while also having a great time with friends. I just worry like when will that day come! Freesia- Yes it is very tough, a lot of the girls in my crew are like i dont know how you can do it and be around him, but I try. I'm sorry your ex shut you out like that. I am the type of person that can handle a breakup, but i cant handle when it is done so thoughtlessly. We are all entitled to want out of a relationship, but it doesn't mean all respect should go out the window. All I ever wanted was a face to face convo to say my part and leave things as best we can being we are in the same social circle, he didnt feel it necessary bc HE didnt see any issue! Thanks for the replies, nice to get some outside input, and I hope I too can contribute to the forum and help others!
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