piper6 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Husband went through full blown midlife crisis in 2007. Strippers, girlfriends, girlfriend he was infatuated with. He was being so mean and ugly. Picking pointless fights he was even mean to the kids. We have two children he loves very much. I held it together. I didn't see the advance warning, we have a business. I chalked up the ugly temper tantrums to the business. It has had many many problems. He trusts people too much, it is part of how the affairs start and how he has been manipulated by bad pay people. I was too trusting and I did not see the problem with his friends. Leaving serves no purpose, the people he is involved with will not stay after they find out who he really is and that they will not be living like Paris Hilton and that he has health problems. He won't talk about anything that would improve our situation. He won't go to the doctor. I carry on, the load gets very heavy when ever there is a "new" friend. This new one is very aggressive. I keep hoping he will grow out of it all.
PegNosePete Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 He won't talk about anything that would improve our situation. Tell him you are not happy in the marriage and you require him to go to marriage counselling with you. If he refuses then look into divorce proceedings. You can lead him to water but you can't make him drink. If he does not want to save the marriage then it is over.
Spark1111 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Husband went through full blown midlife crisis in 2007. Strippers, girlfriends, girlfriend he was infatuated with. He was being so mean and ugly. Picking pointless fights he was even mean to the kids. We have two children he loves very much. I held it together. I didn't see the advance warning, we have a business. I chalked up the ugly temper tantrums to the business. It has had many many problems. He trusts people too much, it is part of how the affairs start and how he has been manipulated by bad pay people. I was too trusting and I did not see the problem with his friends. Leaving serves no purpose, the people he is involved with will not stay after they find out who he really is and that they will not be living like Paris Hilton and that he has health problems. He won't talk about anything that would improve our situation. He won't go to the doctor. I carry on, the load gets very heavy when ever there is a "new" friend. This new one is very aggressive. I keep hoping he will grow out of it all. hi Piper. Welcome to LS! He won't grow out of it if he doesn't have to. All this attention from others validates his weak ego and is, or can be, used as a constant diversion from his stress and his issues of finding out why he is unable to validate himself! Meanwhile, who is supporting you? it can't be him if he has chased after strippers and allows agressive new onwoman to pursue him. Or, if you are allowing it too! What consequences did he face to motivate him to change his behavior? What sort of husband and marriage do you want? If you are willing to continue to make excuses for his behavior, well then this may be as good as it gets for you. If you are unable to take it anymore, then tell him it has to end. He needs to value you and the marriage MORE than inappropriate behavior from strangers. He also needs to get to counseling to find out WHY he needs it to the point of disrespecting you. If he is unwilling or unable to do that, are you willing to leave? For many mid-life crisers, that is the wake up call to end their adolescent behavior. Life is about choices. You only get one shot at it. Think long and hard about the marriage YOU want and research what it will take to get there. In the mean time, I am sorry you are going through this. You sound depressed and I surely understand why you do.
Author piper6 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 We employ over 30 people. I am not able to make snap decisions. Especially in this economy. I have held it together for a long time. I am taking action it is strategic and it is working, slowly but is working. My children are getting older and am gaining more ground. My husband is not someone who can be pushed but if I am careful I am regularly successful in getting him to make the best decision for all of the people he will affect. Your advise is greatly appreciated and your wording helped me put definition to some of the problem. It really is a respect issue. I will incorporate a means to improve the "respect" problem. It can be tackled. I am not afraid of hard work and no I am not a doormat. What I want is my children to have room and time to get a good education. They both have gotten the message and are hard workers in hard math and science classes. One will graduate early with and electrical engineering associates. The other is on track to do something similar. As for me I am not sure what I want now, just time to get them adulthood reasonably prepared. Thank you for taking the time to pat my hand.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I keep hoping he will grow out of it all. Don't treat him like he is a child. He is an adult and should behave like one. Confront him with the consequences of his behaviour. Leave him and look for a different way of income. Life does not have to be the way it is now for you. BTW, it is not the fault of the other persons, it is the fault of your husband. A strong man will draw boundaries.
Author piper6 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 My husband is a spoiled child. He followed me around for 10 years and stepped in well after I left my first husband. I put his finacial life back together I realize now that there were many red flags as to his behaviour. In my defense I grew up alone, I didn't get any of the advise that comes from listening to family visit with each other, I didn't have anyone to ask if I should be concerned about xyz. Advise like if his father make a pass at you maybe you shouldn't move the relationship any further. Sooo I am now 23 years in with children and a business. I now realize he continues with the behaviours that caused his early financial ruin. I know my options, I am good at unwinding and fixing. I have asked him to work it out. He just gets mad and says he as so much going with the business. Which is true but he seems to find time to visit on the phone with his "friend(s)". The logic does not add up. It points to the obvious. That he wants his life exactly as it is. The problem is that the friend(s) never stays at that distance. They move forward and add pressure and the pressure comes back at me and the kids. Yes, in some of your eyes it makes me a supporter. I would say to them have you been hungry, cold and alone as a child? If you weren't you do not have room to throw stones. This guy is capable of some ugly stuff his family would turn a blind eye. Yes I do understand now that it would have been much wiser to see the "blaring red flags and sirens" and stay out of the way of that train wreck. I have held him together so many times. I would really like to get this to an intelligent place. If I believed this friend was "the one" who would make him happy and that he would live happily ever after. I would step out of the way no questions asked. The problem is he is not who he seems and whoever is the friend(s) of the moment will get a full taste and it will not last long and quite likely she will have full access to the company finances and the company and all of the jobs will disappear. Sigh
Mz. Pixie Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Hi- and welcome. I'm just curious? Why did you come here exactly? Did you want advice or just someone to listen? Because it seems that people are trying to help and give you advice and you're coming up with excuses as to why all of that won't work. If you didn't want advice it may have been better to say so initally that you only wanted support. Posters can only give advice on what you post but it seems that you just want to wallow in the fact that you are stuck. I have been hungry and cold as a child but I can tell you I have way too much pride to allow myself to be treated that way.
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