LoveHurts89 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I spoke with S this weekend (still unable to call him my ex, hurts too much). We hadn't spoke for about five weeks, just a few text exchanges. Before last nights phone conversation, he asked me not to ask any questions. But when on the phone, I had to for my own sake. I still have stuff at his place, and we've money and joint belongings to sort, but every time I've brought them up, it's always been put off. We spoke Saturday on the phone, we laughed, cried. He said he doesn't know what he wants so has to say it's over "at the minute" (it's been 3 months since BU) as it isn't fair to string me along. He's often very careful with the words he uses as he knows I read in to the smallest thing, so it surprised me that he said ay the minute. So last night, I said to him I don't want to push you to make a decision if you clearly don't know what you want, as it's likely I'll push you in to the wrong decision. All I do ask is whether or not you want me to give you some time to think freely about things, or if you want me to come get my stuff this week and leave you be? He said yeh half way through that sentence and I said yes to which bit, time to think? He said I think so, he said he can't talk about it any more. He said it hurts too much. And I said you're not being fair on me, I just want to know where I stand. And he said I know (in an annoyed voice) he said but at the minute I have to say its over because I'm not in the right frame of mind. Last night was probably the worst time to talk to him. This time last year on bank holiday Monday we had an armed robbery at his restaurant. He lives above it. I told him about a job I'm applying for, and asked him if he'd read through my application form (without being mean, none of my friends are too clever) so at the end of the call, he said to me send me over your application form when its done, and I'll add some stuff in to it for you. The phone call ended pleasantly. I guess now is the time to not pester. I'll contact him Friday to go through my job application, but won't text/call until then. The fact that he still isn't able to say yes, remove your stuff and cut all ties tells me there's still something there, I just have to not read in to it too much I guess and leave it up to fate. I should add that he is a genuinely decent guy. He hasn't done anything to purposely hurt me throughout, and hasn't led me on on purpose etc. A friend suggested he may be going through a mid life crisis. He's 35. I'd appreciate any advice. I'm guessing the best option is to stick to LC/NC besides the job application help, which I'm thankful for as it's a good position, and allow him to think freely.
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Yeah, just be careful here and look out for yourself. If he isn't willing to totally shut the door on another chance, well, it's up to you if you want to live with that dangling in front of your face, or if you want to shut the door for yourself on someone who can't decide about you. I know if you love someone and you don't want to be broken up in the first place, it's not fair that you end up having to be the one to decide whether the door is shut for good or not, and the other person can keep selfishly keeping you waiting. I was in the same situation. Got dumped 2 months ago. We stayed in touch and spent almost as much time together as we always did. I asked her if we could give it another shot but she hesitated to actually say we were back together. So I'd encourage her to tell me to go for good, and she wouldn't, and she asked me to believe in her and have faith that it would all be okay. So I hung on and hung on, setting new deadlines for myself every week, telling myself if she wasn't decided I would go, and then I kept waiting. The end result, she ended up sleeping with someone else. All the typical stuff I saw online about "someone who doesn't want to be with you right not wants to explore their options", "she just wants to sleep around and maybe come back to you when she's ready for something serious", I even told her that those are the types of things people said about situations like ours, but I kept choosing to believe in the fairy tale of her looking me in the eyes and asking me to believe in her. And I got burned. So just be careful. Whatever his reasons are, whether he is just too weak to let you go, or it is some personal crisis in his life, that's not your problem. Your priority is to protect yourself (which I failed to do and now I'm ready to kill myself). Loveshack member "homebrew" said in another thread the other day, that he might as well just respond to everyone's situations with one response, "if they wanted to be with you, they would!". It's the truth. You're reading into what you guys talk about in the phone, you're reading into him saying that you can't be together "at the minute", you're walking on eggshells about when to contact him and trying to play it cool and just talk about your job application. You're trying to remain hopeful about this situation, but does he want to be with you? Obviously not. Not now at least. And instead of looking ahead and trying to figure out if he'll be back and if you should wait for him, just be as selfish as he is being, and just worry about now. I kept trying to tell my ex, if your answer isn't yes (about a second chance) then your answer is no, even if you are not saying it out loud. She never came back around to saying "yes we are trying again" and I chose not to stand my ground, even though she was passively telling me no. Don't do that to yourself. You asked him what's going on and when pressured for a decision he has said NO. Don't worry about "at the minute" and whatever other words he attaches to it. HE should be the one worried about whether or not he'll get it figured out before he totally loses you. And if you show him that you are willing to do things on your own and not be waiting for him, it may motivate him to get himself in gear. And if it doesn't, at least you'll be getting used to being without him. Everyone's situation is different, and I wish I could tell you it sounds like there's a lot of hope and you just need to have faith, but I got burned for thinking that way. Just look at now. Does he love you enough that he wants to be with you and not let you get away and work through whatever problems he's having together? No. That is the only thing you need to "Read in to". Forget about what he is saying, is he trying to be with you? No. So yeah, you can look at it as "allowing him to think freely", but you should pretty much just not stay hung up on it and try to start moving on already. Edited May 31, 2011 by Exit
Author LoveHurts89 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Exit - that's probably the best, constructive advice I've had throughout this. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I need to start thinking of me now. If our paths cross in the future, then, fantastic, but they're not crossing right now so I need to focus on other ways to be happy. Thank you xx
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 You're welcome. It's for the best. You don't need to make any big final decisions about whether you'd ever want to try with him again or not -- cross that bridge if and when you come to it. For now, just go about your life and try to be happy.
Trovador Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Hey, Exit, that's one of the most sensible posts I have read on this forum... I'd like to add this: "If you are not able to handle contact or friendship with your ex, THEN DO NOT DO IT!" Yep, at the end of the day they are not the ones to blame for burning us (when they refuse to talk about a so called relationship (in our minds only), reject us, are cold or mean, or talk about a new love interest etc.)... It's our entire fault for keeping contact with a person who, consciously or not, has a great ability to hurt us...
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