Tonight

[Titania22]

Hey Guys,

 

Not so much a question in this one, as me just wanting to share.

 

About 3months ago I stopped going to my philosophy group because one of my friends there hit on me, and it really grossed me out and upset me.

 

Instead on being upfront and a grwn up I went NC, and stopped going to the group.

 

Tonight I went back to the group, he had RSVP'd that he wouldn't be there. As I stood there I looked around the room and mentally registered how many of the guys there had either hit on me, or made their interest clear, and felt maybe i should just give up the group for good.

 

Afterwards I told a couple of my friends there why I had stopped coming, and they composed a message for me to send to the guy to once and for all make it clear I wasn't interested (just in case he is still hanging out hope).

 

I just got a message from OKCupid. Some other guy from the same philosophy group who I have never spoken to, found me on there and wants to get together.

 

I just think it's crazy. I don't go to the philosophy group because I am hoping to score. I go for the intellectual meeting of the minds.

 

Even one guy from there, never hit on me, but googled me and read every forum post i ever made under my own name.

 

Thanks for listening. I think I am done.

 

p.s. I know I was a complete wuss not rejecting that other guy upfront.

[heartshaped]

About 3months ago I stopped going to my philosophy group because one of my friends there hit on me, and it really grossed me out and upset me. Instead on being upfront and a grwn up I went NC, and stopped going to the group.

 

It grossed you out and upset you that your friend hit on you? Was he vulgar or something? At any rate, you shouldn't let someone run you off from attending something you wish to attend.

 

As I stood there I looked around the room and mentally registered how many of the guys there had either hit on me, or made their interest clear, and felt maybe i should just give up the group for good.

 

Why does it matter? Men are going to hit on you anywhere you go. I'm sure you've been hit on before. It shouldn't be a large problem if you are not interested just to politely decline.

 

Afterwards I told a couple of my friends there why I had stopped coming, and they composed a message for me to send to the guy to once and for all make it clear I wasn't interested (just in case he is still hanging out hope).

 

Sending someone a message out of the blue because they hit on you one time seems a bit unnecessary. If he hits on you again, just politely decline. No need to make a big issue out of something like being hit on. It's really a compliment.

 

I just think it's crazy. I don't go to the philosophy group because I am hoping to score. I go for the intellectual meeting of the minds.

 

Most people who attend those types of things aren't really looking to make friends or have people to discuss things with etc. They are looking to find someone with similar interests to date.

[Titania22]

It grossed you out and upset you that your friend hit on you? Was he vulgar or something? At any rate, you shouldn't let someone run you off from attending something you wish to attend.

 

You got grossed out by being hit on?

 

It was really offensive. I felt really violated. I made me want to throw up, I actually heaved a couple of times. But instead of backing off and leaving my car when I asked repeatedly, he thought he would dive in and try to uncover my chest enough so he could get a look and cop a feel. It was this event that made me withdraw again. Because I would rather never have a relationship or have sex again, then to feel like this again.

 

Why does it matter? Men are going to hit on you anywhere you go. I'm sure you've been hit on before. It shouldn't be a large problem if you are not interested just to politely decline.

 

There's a difference between men expressing interest, asking for a date, or maybe going in for a kiss (singular), and forcing yourself on someone and then blatantly ignoring the horror and disgust of them.

 

I was in shock, and I was doing my best to politely decline, which I think he took as playing hard to get (which is something I never do BTW).

 

 

Sending someone a message out of the blue because they hit on you one time seems a bit unnecessary. If he hits on you again, just politely decline. No need to make a big issue out of something like being hit on. It's really a compliment.

 

I would for you to experience his compliment for yourself, and see how you like it. If you did, great for you. I didn't.

 

 

Most people who attend those types of things aren't really looking to make friends or have people to discuss things with etc. They are looking to find someone with similar interests to date.

 

 

 

I don't understand why you went offline for something you could get on the net without being hit on.

 

I also don't understand why your life is so oddly compartmentalized. If they met you online it would be fine as long as they never set foot in your group. If they ever went to group then you can't be bothered with them.

 

Most social groups with a mix of the sexes are a meat market. You should be prepared for that going into any of them. It is the only acceptable way people of a certain age and the socially retarded can meet anyone.

 

Well it is more that I had a really bad week last week, as is already documented in other threads. And I also have been feeling very alone, and thus wanted to get out there are meet people again. So I took a chance going back to philosophy, specifically because that guy said he wouldn't be there (on the rsvp), and I do have other friends there.

[Titania22]

Not to trivialize your experience, but now have a visual of the "Horndog Philosophy Club," what kind of philosophy are you Aussies studying over there anyway? Tell them if they Kant keep their hands off, all Hegel is gonna break loose and you are gonna kick em in the Nietzsches.

 

 

Thankyou, should I post that on the groups front page, so they will know to steer clear of me? It is really tempting.

 

Finding out Australia is coming third for rapes per capita, has also rattled me a bit. And the scientist in me wants to know why?

 

Actualy before I stopped going to the philosophy group we were almost at 50% female attendance, last night I think we were back to 10%.

 

The other philosophy groups I have tried are worse, they get no more then 1 or 2 women, and the men are all doing the verbal attacking thing. My ideas are better then yours purely because I will attack and insult you and your ideas until you back down.

 

TBH with all the threads on here about american men being wimps and american women being self righteous princesses, it sounds like I would have better luck finding a man over there. I am a very appreciative person, and can be very sexual, but I need to feel safe and be treated respectfully.

[heartshaped]

See that's not being hit on, that's being violated by some pervert. Two totally different things. I just thought the guy maybe tried to kiss you or asked you out to dinner; that's definitely a huge difference. Considering what went on, if I were you, I'm not sure I would go back. I'm sure something like that was very upsetting and I don't know if you could feel comfortable there again. At least, I know I couldn't.

[Titania22]

Still don't get what these philosophy groups are, Classical, Continental, Anglo, Asian, Current ethics issues? Are they university sponsored? Just interested to know, not really the topic of course.

 

It sounds like these guys are going strictly to rant and cruise women, they should be doing their ranting and raving in places like LS, very poor taste to do that IRL. They should be doing their cruising elsewhere also, liquor stores for instance.

 

I'd go back. Don't let those a-holes chase you off from an activity you enjoy. Stand up to them and get in their face. Carry an airhorn and a stun gun to these philosophy groups and go all pragmatist up in there!

 

Thankyou Sanskrit,

 

This philosophy group was creates by a female. What happens is a topic is chosen, and we break into 4 or 5 groups (because about 50 people show up) and discuss the topic. It's a jargon free group, rather then a 'look how much i have read' and 'see how good i am at quoting what other people have said, rather then thinking for myself', it's more about sharing ideas about the topic. I think this is the reason it appeals to women more then the other philosophy groups around here. It's good because each group has a moderator to make sure everyone gets a chance to be heard, no one person dominates the discussion, and everyone is respectful of the right of others to have a different perspective.

 

Last nights topic was "what is a wise approach to death?" Which was really good because I have very different thoughts about death then many other people do, and I was quite vocal and participatory. And I picked the right group, because there was another group (and if i had joined them), I think I would have been under attack. Incidently my group only had one other woman (who was completely silent), and that other group had many women, which just shows in these type of intellectual pursuits I get along better with men generally. I think despite occasional horniness I would be much happier if men viewed me as either another man, or devoid of sex.

 

I agree with you, that I shouldn't let these people scare me away from an activity I love. And part of me thinks I would do better to be more of a bitch. Thankfully there are people there, who want it be safe, and those people happen to be in charge, and my friends. Yay!!!!

[D-Lish]

Big difference between being groped in a car and being asked out on a date-

 

You seem really high on yourself.

[Dust]

I sense traumatic things have happened in your life with men. It’s surprising how you expected him to notice how disgusted you were and were afraid of not being civil while he groped you.

 

I’ve had girls smack me for just trying to dance with them. I really took no offense. Men have really thick skins. At least the cool ones do.

 

Seriously though when I here a woman complain about how she is so afraid to get hit on I get angry. I realize its scary for you but you just have to shut these guys down, and repeatedly if need be.

 

Just to give it to you from the other perspective as a guy you really have to try hard to get a girl. You have to make all the moves. Aggressiveness is often rewarded many times over. The more timid guys worried about freaking girls out often go dateless. I personally could care less about freaking out a girl. I wouldn’t make a physical move like the one you described unless I was on a date though. Also I would test the waters with a kiss first, and before that some light touching in non private areas.

 

There are women who if they were men would be called creeps by women. I had a girl who was a friend try to kiss me out of nowhere once I flung her away by her hair. (I understand women don’t have that same power over men but still feel free to push the person away and scream)

[Titania22]

 

You seem really high on yourself.

 

What do you mean? Actually having self worth and good self esteem, yes I do, and it took years to get. I like who I am. I don't pretend to be someone else. I like that I often see things differently to others. I like that I have a brain and I use it. I like not being a little sheep.

 

 

 

I sense traumatic things have happened in your life with men. It’s surprising how you expected him to notice how disgusted you were and were afraid of not being civil while he groped you.

 

Yes I have had traumatic things happen in my adult life with men. I shouldn't have to be verbally or physically abusive to get a guy to stop. Asking him to leave a half dozen times in a row, should be sufficient.

 

I’ve had girls smack me for just trying to dance with them. I really took no offense. Men have really thick skins. At least the cool ones do.

 

Seriously though when I here a woman complain about how she is so afraid to get hit on I get angry. I realize its scary for you but you just have to shut these guys down, and repeatedly if need be.

 

Just to give it to you from the other perspective as a guy you really have to try hard to get a girl. You have to make all the moves. Aggressiveness is often rewarded many times over. The more timid guys worried about freaking girls out often go dateless. I personally could care less about freaking out a girl. I wouldn’t make a physical move like the one you described unless I was on a date though. Also I would test the waters with a kiss first, and before that some light touching in non private areas.

 

There are women who if they were men would be called creeps by women. I had a girl who was a friend try to kiss me out of nowhere once I flung her away by her hair. (I understand women don’t have that same power over men but still feel free to push the person away and scream)

 

Yes I realise from many posts on here, aggressiveness works for guys and they really don't give a damn about freaking girls out. But I don't have to enjoy it, and I don't. I don't even want to put up with it. And I don't want those timid guys to be dateless either. Basically I want to change the world, because the way it is it sucks in so many ways.

[Titania22]

Hey Guys,

 

I know I have been stuck in a really negative space the last couple of weeks. I think I am going to go back to my cave for a bit. Things keep blowing up around here every day. And I attitude towards men is deteriorating, despite the positive good men I still have around, such as yourselves on ls. So I think it would be wise for me to take a couple of days away from dealing and talking to men IRL, so I can get some perspective back.

 

I will still be hanging around here though.

[Dust]

Yes I have had traumatic things happen in my adult life with men. I shouldn't have to be verbally or physically abusive to get a guy to stop. Asking him to leave a half dozen times in a row, should be sufficient.

 

I believe in treating people the way you’d want to be treated. This guy has completely disrespected you, so you owe him no respect. In fact you’re disrespecting yourself by letting this guy control you so. If anything he should be the one who stops coming to the meetings.

 

I don’t think this situation will happen every where either so maybe you should just join another group if confronting the situation is to upsetting.

 

 

 

Yes I realise from many posts on here' date=' aggressiveness works for guys and they really don't give a damn about freaking girls out. But I don't have to enjoy it, and I don't. I don't even want to put up with it. And I don't want those timid guys to be dateless either. Basically I want to change the world, because the way it is it sucks in so many ways.[/quote']

 

 

Did it really take the posts on here to make you realize that? I mean when was the last time you flat out asked a guy on a date who didn’t first approach you? When was the last time you or any girl you know were the first to hold the guy, the first to kiss him? I feel its very rare, like I said aggressiveness and even disrespect is often rewarded in men.

 

I personally believe in being aggressive but would never do what you described. I agree he crossed the line.

 

It’s great that you want to change the world. I just wouldn’t stress over things you can’t control. Some people are just rude. (possibly dangerous)

 

What you can do is attack the problem head on. Feel free to tell other people what happened and to confront the guy even asking him to leave the group. At a minimum feel free to ask the guy not to bother even talking with you.

 

As a general piece of advice don’t put yourself in situations where you are alone with men you aren’t romantically interested in. Obviously even a man you are romantically interested in can be rude and end up disgusting you. But in this case it would have helped you.

[Titania22]

I believe in treating people the way you’d want to be treated. This guy has completely disrespected you, so you owe him no respect. In fact you’re disrespecting yourself by letting this guy control you so. If anything he should be the one who stops coming to the meetings.

 

I don’t think this situation will happen every where either so maybe you should just join another group if confronting the situation is to upsetting.

 

Did it really take the posts on here to make you realize that? I mean when was the last time you flat out asked a guy on a date who didn’t first approach you? When was the last time you or any girl you know were the first to hold the guy, the first to kiss him? I feel its very rare, like I said aggressiveness and even disrespect is often rewarded in men.

 

I personally believe in being aggressive but would never do what you described. I agree he crossed the line.

 

It’s great that you want to change the world. I just wouldn’t stress over things you can’t control. Some people are just rude. (possibly dangerous)

 

What you can do is attack the problem head on. Feel free to tell other people what happened and to confront the guy even asking him to leave the group. At a minimum feel free to ask the guy not to bother even talking with you.

 

As a general piece of advice don’t put yourself in situations where you are alone with men you aren’t romantically interested in. Obviously even a man you are romantically interested in can be rude and end up disgusting you. But in this case it would have helped you.

 

Thanks Dust. You make good points. And your questions about me being proactive, made me realise that although I have made the first move before, I have never asked anyone out on a date specifically (it never actually occurred to me:o), I generally ask for sex. (And then get upset when they don't want a relationship:o:eek: (what can i say, i'm such a noob)). I tend to be blunt rather then aggressive.

 

And you are right about not putting myself in situations where I am alone with men, in that particular case, we had been friends for 6months, and I had got comfortable. Seriously, how long do you have to know a man, before you can be alone with him, without worry. And it doesn't help when dates are being made, i insist on a public place for safety reasons, and the men get all offended that i would think so low of them (when i haven't even met them).

[Dust]

I don’t think the situation was necessarily avoidable.

 

The way you dealt with it afterwards is what upset you. You felt like you would have rather dealt with it head on.

 

Feel free to flat out tell the guy what he did was scary and gross. You weren’t even on a date and he pushed himself on you like that. Feel free to talk to the people that run the group about this and ask for their help.

 

If you think this group is unfixable then just join a new group.

 

Like I said guys have to be aggressive. If this guy was more aggressive he’d already have a girlfriend. (not you but some one) Did he even ask you out in the entire 6 months you knew him? He’s just kind of a loser.

[Titania22]

Safe journeys and please do come back after a while, I enjoy your perspective, and imagine others feel the same.

 

Thanks Sanskrit good to know. I enjoy your perspectives too.

 

 

I don’t think the situation was necessarily avoidable.

 

The way you dealt with it afterwards is what upset you. You felt like you would have rather dealt with it head on.

 

Feel free to flat out tell the guy what he did was scary and gross. You weren’t even on a date and he pushed himself on you like that. Feel free to talk to the people that run the group about this and ask for their help.

 

If you think this group is unfixable then just join a new group.

 

Like I said guys have to be aggressive. If this guy was more aggressive he’d already have a girlfriend. (not you but some one) Did he even ask you out in the entire 6 months you knew him? He’s just kind of a loser.

 

Yes I think you are right again (it's getting to be a habit with you). I would have had more self respect had I actually reacted, instead of freezing up.

 

I did speak to the group leaders, and they were the ones that composed my rejection email for me. (I find it's easier to compose these thing when I am not involved). I sent it this morning, and stuck to the script, but was soooo tempted to put some more brutality into it. I resisted the urge, but my message has been received (he responded very briefly).

 

No he didn't ask me out in that time. At least on some level I think he knew I wouldn't say yes. I mean seriously, I am always going on about how I like hot young white guys (I don't even try to keep this preference a secret).

Edited June 1, 2011 by Titania22
typo