robdrm32 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 So me and my g/f of a month have been having some problems, mainly due to how shy she is and she tends not to show any emotions towards me, and although i am 100% positive she is faithful and a good person, and says things like she thinks she is into it more than me, I constantly have to remind myself that she doesn't mean to do things that would normally be interpreted as disrespectful or pushing me away. She is just awkward and shy. This just leaves me feeling unwanted sometimes and even rejected and i've tried talking to her about it a few times but she just shuts down. So yesterday I was talking on the phone with her about how/why i got upset this weekend but how maybe i'm not being fair to her, and that i'm trying to force a change when I should just be patient and wait it out etc. Overall, talking about an issue but in a way that was apologetic on my part and just trying to get on the same page. So in the middle of trying to get a response out of her, or even a thought she just says "Idk i need to go to sleep" and i'm like wtf? didn't say anything but was short and we said goodnight. So a minute later i get a text reading "Sorry, i'm just not in the mood. I havent slept good lately and i dont feel good" So i said ok get some sleep text me tomorrow. But in all honesty I was livid. I felt that was so disrespectful to cut a conversation about our relationship and my concerns short like that. like she didnt want to hear it. Especially when what i was talking about is how I interpret some actions of hers as disrespectful. For the record we have only had maybe 3 other times where there have been minor issues which we got past relatively quickly, but mainly because i decided to let it go rather than drag it out. what i'm wondering is am i cutting her too much slack? Am i making too many excuses for her behavior? Or am i overreacting?
Author robdrm32 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 could use some insight on this, i have a couple people telling me to be patient yet i have others telling me to stop being patient. it's rather confusing
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think you're necessarily letting her walk all over you. You've only been together for one month? Is your relationship sexual? In my opinion, one month is extremely new, and a shy person could very well be just getting his or her feet wet and finding a "comfort zone" for showing affection. If she thinks she's into it more than you are, she might need quite a bit more time to trust that she's emotionally safe in the relationship. Since you really like her and think she's worthy, why not just put a complete moratorium on talking or worrying about this issue for, say, another month. She no doubt knows exactly how you're feeling. If things don't go in a direction that shows you there's improvement ahead after a month, it could be that you two have a basic incompatibility. I do understand why you'd be angry about being shut down when you're trying to talk about your relationship. Still, I think you should completely let it go for a while and just try to have a good time together and build on the positive things that brought the two of you together in the first place. Good luck.
Author robdrm32 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Well i can see how it would come across as her walking all over me but I think she just doesn't understand how to be in a relationship just yet. or doesn't want to invest in it emotionally. we aren't sexually active, she is still a virgin. I think she is very scared because her last b/f cheated. As did my last g/f so i know the signs of being walked on and i don't get that from the situation i think she is just ignorant on how to facilitate a healthy loving relationship. Which may change in time and i think i will let it go for a bit and see how things progress. One thing that is bothering me though is last night after she ended the call and sent me that text, i can't get over this feeling that she just stayed up texting/talking to her friends. So part of me wants to ask to see her phone to see if she did this which at this point i think that would be a deal breaker. If she couldn't be bothered to talk about our relationship because she was tired and wanted to sleep yet stayed up talking to other people all night, i feel like that just tells me she just doesn't care all that much about the relationship, which there is no excuse for and no way for me to rationalize it. But would that be going too far?
marigold7 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 One thing that is bothering me though is last night after she ended the call and sent me that text, i can't get over this feeling that she just stayed up texting/talking to her friends. So part of me wants to ask to see her phone to see if she did this which at this point i think that would be a deal breaker. If she couldn't be bothered to talk about our relationship because she was tired and wanted to sleep yet stayed up talking to other people all night, i feel like that just tells me she just doesn't care all that much about the relationship, which there is no excuse for and no way for me to rationalize it. But would that be going too far? yes this would be going too far. if i were her and you did that, i would be very annoyed and would think you're being weird. try to imagine what it would be like if she did that to you!
Author robdrm32 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 yes this would be going too far. if i were her and you did that, i would be very annoyed and would think you're being weird. try to imagine what it would be like if she did that to you! Well i think if the night before i had cut a conversation about our relationship short and basically said "i'm not in the mood" i don't know that it would be unreasonable for her to be annoyed and curious as to whether i was really not feeling well or just didn't care to have the conversation. But thats the thing, i wouldn't cut a conversation like that short, out of respect for her feelings and the relationship itself.
thatone Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Well i think if the night before i had cut a conversation about our relationship short and basically said "i'm not in the mood" i don't know that it would be unreasonable for her to be annoyed and curious as to whether i was really not feeling well or just didn't care to have the conversation. But thats the thing, i wouldn't cut a conversation like that short, out of respect for her feelings and the relationship itself. you're right. it is rude. you don't need to tell us that you need to tell her that.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 i can't get over this feeling that she just stayed up texting/talking to her friends. So part of me wants to ask to see her phone to see if she did this which at this point i think that would be a deal breaker. If she couldn't be bothered to talk about our relationship because she was tired and wanted to sleep yet stayed up talking to other people all night, i feel like that just tells me she just doesn't care all that much about the relationship, which there is no excuse for and no way for me to rationalize it. But would that be going too far? Sheesh, YES! It would not only be going "too far," it would be very weird, controlling, and completely inappropriate. If she has her wits about her, it would signal clearly that you are not really good boyfriend material. In no way could you have ANY "right" to know who she is talking to and when. That's none of your business at all. Really, a person can validly be "too tired" to try to have an uncomfortable and difficult "relationship talk" while being just fine to chat easily with trusted friends. You've only been dating for ONE MONTH. Please try to give this whole issue some space and a real rest. Pushing for affection and intimacy CAN'T ever result in success. Those things have to grow and develop at a natural pace. If your pace and hers are too different, then maybe you aren't a match. It doesn't mean she's "walking all over you."
thatone Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Sheesh, YES! It would not only be going "too far," it would be very weird, controlling, and completely inappropriate. If she has her wits about her, it would signal clearly that you are not really good boyfriend material. In no way could you have ANY "right" to know who she is talking to and when. That's none of your business at all. Really, a person can validly be "too tired" to try to have an uncomfortable and difficult "relationship talk" while being just fine to chat easily with trusted friends. You've only been dating for ONE MONTH. Please try to give this whole issue some space and a real rest. Pushing for affection and intimacy CAN'T ever result in success. Those things have to grow and develop at a natural pace. If your pace and hers are too different, then maybe you aren't a match. It doesn't mean she's "walking all over you." this makes no sense. you have conjured a fantasy in your head that is completely different from the situation the OP described. two people don't stand in silence looking at each other and magically wind up in relationships. they do so by talking to each other. when one side or the other refuses communication then it's not gonna happen. he said himself that every disagreement they've had ended with him caving in and letting her have her way. he said when he tries to have serious conversation with her she cuts him off and hangs up on him. she's taking advantage of whatever male attention she can get from whoever is willing to put up with her, with no intent of returning the feelings he has for her. so the solution for the OP is pretty simple. stop calling, stop texting, stop emailing, stop whatever else you do too. if she calls back wondering where the attention she so craves went then hit her with the conversation you wanted to have the last time she hung up on you. it won't end the way you want it to, mind you, you're not gonna get anywhere with her, but that way at least you're the one initiating the last conversation, so you'll feel better about it. and next time a woman tells you that any suggestion of something she doesn't want is "controlling" you reply by turning your back and walking away. stop trying to figure out what women want based on what they say. they lie to themselves all the time, you think they wouldn't lie to you? the ones you're talking to in this thread have no motivation other than making themselves think she's right and you're wrong, simply because she's a she. Edited May 31, 2011 by thatone
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