Here I am again

[Steen719]

My marriage of almost 22 years looks like it is going down the tubes and I have sat here yesterday...well worked some, also..but I felt so needy. I have talked to friends and family (a few, anyway), trying to feel better. Oh wow, I even said to them "I am sorry for being so needy".

 

My husband cheated on me with an old girlfriend back in 1997 when we had been married for 8 years. My son was 7 and I made the decision to stay with him because of him. I love my son more than I hated what my husband did. We have stayed together; it has been ok..not great, I would say, but not bad. Not enough sex, mostly my fault, truthfully. I had a hysterectomy, no hormones, maybe residual resentment. Fast forward to last year. Long story, but my husband became ill after treatment for Hep C and he was quite ill last year. He had a liver transplant last June. It really hurt us financially..refinanced, home equity, had to move temporarily and have a son in college. I tool care of him, went to all of these appointments, moved for transplant, etc. In January, he started on Facebook all of the time; he is not working and I work from home. He started acting squirrelly and I looked at his phone records...oh yes, I know, I'm awful. It wouldn't be a problem if there was no problem. I would not care if he did this with me. Anyway, I found a number called a lot, confronted him, he got mad at me and he called her to warn her about me knowing. I never called the first one, I have no idea why he thought I would call her. He said it was a friend, etc, etc. and tells me yesterday that he has not been happy in 13 years and is not in love with me. He went to a family picnic with his family 4 hours away today for the holiday. Turns out when he got home last night, "he went for nothing, no one did anything, so no family picnic". Ha! Like I think that is why he went. He has already detached himself emotionally from this marriage, I can feel it seeping away. I feel so betrayed. Nice repayment, huh? Holy crap, I took care of this man, have worked and worked to make enough money to keep us afloat and he is not in love with me? Is he 21? He is 57 years old.

 

I have cried and cried and cannot believe that I am here again. Crap. I don't sleep well and I am worried about how my son (20) will feel. I am trying hard to maintain my sense of self right now. He goes back for his annual check-up in one week for one week. I'll go with him because he has to have someone with him and I said I would go. I refuse to behave badly. I don't want to have regrets after this is over. I am going home for a month (many hours away) for one month in July (planned before all of this) and when I get back, I want us to tell my son and put the house on the market. I can ask to have him stay on my health insurance until he gets Medicare..maybe he can. He will not be nice about things, I don't think.

 

He wants me to just lay low...not talk about it...see if it will be less inflamed. I am not good in limbo. I am in pain, feel betrayed and very hurt and I want to start moving forward and taking care of myself for once. I have been advised by brother and friend to go to an attorney now to start protecting myself.

 

6 in the morning and I am sitting here crying my eyes out. It does not seem fair that I am here facing this today.

 

Any words of advice or even kindness is appreciated now. Thank you.

Edited May 31, 2011 by Steen719
wrong terms

[bigmomma1974]

Your a very kind lady to be going with him to this appointment. I would call a Lawyer and get things set up, You did know wrong. YOu where there when he needed you and then he crapped on you. Take care of yourself, throw him out. I wouldnt be as nice as you are and go to him to this appointment. Also there is no way I would be quiet about it. I would tell him excatly what I thought and pack his bags and set them by the door. As for your son, he will understand he is of age and if he doesn't then all you can do is talk to him. Remind yourself you deserve better and move on, The pain will ease in time and you will bounce back. Good luck hun and so sorry this is happening.

[Steen719]

I appreciate your kind words and I have to admit that I cried when I read them. Of course, I am crying all of time, so hard to tell! I cannot just kick him out. I need his SSD to help with the house payment and other bills. We are not in good financial shape. Last year was devastating as he had to quit work in April and we had many expenses related to his illness and transplant.

 

I know this will feel better, but right now, it is so raw that I am very emotional. I am not without fault, though. I know that. I feel intensely sad, though, and although I am sure my son will understand, I do not want him to feel sad, too. He will. He loves us both, of course, and his family will be not be the same.

 

Have you been through this? Please tell me that I will feel better. I hate this gut wrenching, no sleeping, someone get the knife out of my back feeling. I am going to dehydrate if I continue to cry like this.

[willowthewisp]

He is cheating? Do some digging and if he is, well the below applies.

 

It seems like it, he has been secretive on FB and called some women to warn her? You also go the ILYBNILWY speech, which usually seems to spell an affair.

 

You're going to the appointment with him? Let his mistress take him. The man is taking the p*** out of you, how dare he? Haw dare he let you work and pay for his operation all the while carrying on behind your back with another women and then tell you he wants a divorce and STILL expect you to look after him.

 

NO!

 

Pack his bags, put them outside the door and tell him to go.

 

I can see why you feel like you need to help him, he's sick, but that does not excuse him having an affair and treating you badly.

 

Of course, if he isn't having an affair then perhaps a more amicable approach is what is needed, but otherwise he's used you, he's made his bed let him lie in it.

[What_Next]

If this man is cheating on you it is NOT your fault. It is NOT your decision. It is his.

 

You forgave him the first time around.

 

As hard as it will be you need to regain your sanity, your dignity and live your life. Your son is 20 now, don't worry he will be fine. Your husbands cheating has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with you as a mother.

 

Get a lawyer and move on with your life, in the end it is the best decision you will ever make.

[Mauschen]

I understand the financial devastation of divorce. And I understand how hard it is for you to move forward, being so uncertain of the future.

 

It sounds like you already have some facts. Get some more - get a key logger for the computer so you can see what he is up to, re-check his the cell phone bill to see who he is calling. Despite any faults you have (everyone has them!), your husband is an ungrateful liar. I think you will feel a huge weight lifted from your shoulders without him.

 

Are you living in a house? Do you own the house or do you rent? Honestly, I would rather file bankruptcy than live with a man like your husband. Money is only money, and in time, you will recover both financially and emotionally. In fact, I have a few friends who are living it up in their late 50s/early 60s single or with a new significant other and they are really having the time of their lives. It is time to do some things for YOU!

[Steen719]

I have been practicing 180 for the most part and it has been working wonderfully. I have not cried today. I have told him that I want a divorce when I get back 1st of August. He said he does not; he is not seeing anyone, is tired of me always thinking he is doing something. I guess he really cannot be doing anything physicalas he went to the Dr. today to see if changing his BP meds would help with impotence.

 

I thought about getting keylogger, but I am just sick of thinking about that. If he wants to do something, he will. I live in a no-fault state. Other than the trip the other day, he has not left, so he may be just becoming emotionally involved or maybe not at all. I will not put up with that, either.

 

I need clarity and I am hoping when I am gone for a month, I can gain some. I have asked him not to talk with me about this. I am tired of talking and I need to see how I feel about all of this. Yapping about it is driving me nuts. He is anxious now...worried I am leaving, so he is doing what the person who is being left behind is doing. Too bad he doesn't know about the 180! LOL

 

I have never told my son what happened the first time; I wouldn't. His relationship with his father is good and I want it to stay that way. There was never a reason to reveal that. His dad has always been a good dad, involved with coaching for years, etc. They are close. If it comes to a divorce, I will be truthful about what his father revealed about his feelings towards me (within reason), but not to put his dad down. I cannot and will not do that.

 

I am not really worried about the money. I think I will do fine once we are out of the mess.

 

Right now, I am trying to maintain until I can think more clearly about the situation. I have read so many things on this website that I am horrified by. People really can be cruel to each other, can't they? No wonder there are less than 50% people married now. Whew!

 

Thanks for your encouragement. I really do appreciate it. I am going to continue here as it really is wonderful to have people who are encouraging and have no emotional investment in my future other than to be helpful.

[willowthewisp]

I'm confused Stern? Your H does not wnat a divorce? Then what was all the stuff about him not being in love with you about?

[Steen719]

That is an interesting question. Who the hell knows? I am just trying not to engage in any discussion with him about it. He keeps saying...well, when you divorce me, etc.

 

I don't know what he wants. I don't know if he knows what he wants. I would not ask him right now for anything. Hot to get away from me until I say, OK, that sounds good.

 

He is trying to get me to come back to our room to sleep. He "can't do anything right now and he would not bother me." Jeez....he needs some perspective. I am going to try to ask the transplant team if craziness is a side effect. That post transplant patient in Orlando did go shoot his Dr. today and kill him and himself.

 

He is on facebook now...ate his dinner in front of the computer. It is an illness, I believe. I cannot wait to get away for a while.

[BeenThere11]

My marriage of almost 22 years looks like it is going down the tubes and I have sat here yesterday...well worked some, also..but I felt so needy. I have talked to friends and family (a few, anyway), trying to feel better. Oh wow, I even said to them "I am sorry for being so needy".

 

My husband cheated on me with an old girlfriend back in 1997 when we had been married for 8 years. My son was 7 and I made the decision to stay with him because of him. I love my son more than I hated what my husband did. We have stayed together; it has been ok..not great, I would say, but not bad. Not enough sex, mostly my fault, truthfully. I had a hysterectomy, no hormones, maybe residual resentment. Fast forward to last year. Long story, but my husband became ill after treatment for Hep C and he was quite ill last year. He had a liver transplant last June. It really hurt us financially..refinanced, home equity, had to move temporarily and have a son in college. I tool care of him, went to all of these appointments, moved for transplant, etc. In January, he started on Facebook all of the time; he is not working and I work from home. He started acting squirrelly and I looked at his phone records...oh yes, I know, I'm awful. It wouldn't be a problem if there was no problem. I would not care if he did this with me. Anyway, I found a number called a lot, confronted him, he got mad at me and he called her to warn her about me knowing. I never called the first one, I have no idea why he thought I would call her. He said it was a friend, etc, etc. and tells me yesterday that he has not been happy in 13 years and is not in love with me. He went to a family picnic with his family 4 hours away today for the holiday. Turns out when he got home last night, "he went for nothing, no one did anything, so no family picnic". Ha! Like I think that is why he went. He has already detached himself emotionally from this marriage, I can feel it seeping away. I feel so betrayed. Nice repayment, huh? Holy crap, I took care of this man, have worked and worked to make enough money to keep us afloat and he is not in love with me? Is he 21? He is 57 years old.

 

I have cried and cried and cannot believe that I am here again. Crap. I don't sleep well and I am worried about how my son (20) will feel. I am trying hard to maintain my sense of self right now. He goes back for his annual check-up in one week for one week. I'll go with him because he has to have someone with him and I said I would go. I refuse to behave badly. I don't want to have regrets after this is over. I am going home for a month (many hours away) for one month in July (planned before all of this) and when I get back, I want us to tell my son and put the house on the market. I can ask to have him stay on my health insurance until he gets Medicare..maybe he can. He will not be nice about things, I don't think.

 

He wants me to just lay low...not talk about it...see if it will be less inflamed. I am not good in limbo. I am in pain, feel betrayed and very hurt and I want to start moving forward and taking care of myself for once. I have been advised by brother and friend to go to an attorney now to start protecting myself.

 

6 in the morning and I am sitting here crying my eyes out. It does not seem fair that I am here facing this today.

 

Any words of advice or even kindness is appreciated now. Thank you.

I am so sorry your going through this. Your situation sounds like mine was..without the physical stuff. I have 2 grown kids ages 21 and 19..and my divorce was final in January of this year...it was a sigh of relief to me when i got my divorce decree in the mail. ...The "other" women had been going on for years and so was...all the hate talk...screaming...yelling and me taking his abuse emotionally and physically..My ex always told me..he would get custody of my kids and i would never see them again..I believed him. I also thought, that my 2 kids would be better off with a mom and dad..than me trying to raise them on my own. My ex scared me so much...that at times though the years..i had butcher knives at my throat. But yet i stayed...i stayed while he rubbed woman after woman in my face and told me about their sex acts...no i was not stupid..i was a young mother with 2 small kids that was scared of a man who back then..i thought i loved. As the years went on...i grew more and more tired of the women calling our house and his bragging about all of them...he was not choosy...he has had them all..every size and race...but all the while i kept telling him..he needed to stop or when our daughter turned 18 it was over...well he kept on..so she finally reached 18 and she is 19 now and we are divorced. I like you cried and cried and blamed myself for everything and sat around and wondered what i did wrong. I gave him everything i had to give..that there was nothing left. To make matters worse..he was the only man i have ever been with. I heard time after time..no other man will ever want you...your worthless...maybe if you would be a bit more wild..i would love you more...all that mess..all the time...so i had enough...i feel better now...emotionally and physically...i feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you...I shared my story with you and everyone else to show ..your not alone...Best wishes

[Steen719]

Beenthere, I want to feel that weight lifted off and I am so glad that after all you endured, you have found peace.

 

Here is the update. I continued to do 180 and he was very unhappy with it. He is angry that I am sleeping in the other room. I keep telling him that he needs to leave it alone for a little while...yapping at me, driving me crazy until I say, "but you lied to me and I cannot live with that. you are on facebook for hours at a time" So today, we drove 5 hours to another city for this week of medical tests to see how his new liver is doing. I was captive in the car, so more of the same. It seems like he just wants me to say.."but you lied" and he can then tell me that I am wrong and he lied because I made such a deal of him calling this other woman. I wanted to pull my hair out. we get to the motel and he goes immediately to the computer center and tries to get on the computer...I went out to see where he was. I have to say, I was not surprised..this is an addiction. He came back to the room and I told him just to get on my laptop. I was going to check my classes to see if I had any messages from students, but I could wait. He did, I laid down for a minute. He asked me if there was a gym here (has not been to a gym in years and has not felt well for a few days) and I said yes. He said well, I think I'll go check it out. He was gone for a few minutes, so I walk outside where he is on his cell phone...fast forward and he finally tells me it is his friend in Atlanta, yet another woman. I lost my sh**. I went to buy cigarettes (quit last October) and then decided that he was not worth that. I am now in this room with him...I did ask for 2 beds and I want to kill him and I mean dead.

 

I am angry and I am trying to find some peace in my heart. I was not going to get a keylogger as I am a coward, I guess, but I believe I am going to now. We are in a no-fault state, but I can use it, I believe, to my advantage, if I find out he is doing anything. He did say he might go home for a couple of days while I am gone. Ordinarily, I would think nothing of it, but my radar is up...I sense bad stuff. Oh hell, am I crazy?

 

What is a good keylogger? He is not very computer savvy, but I do not want it to be seen. I will be gone for a month and I need remote reports.

 

23 years and last year of taking care of him and I want to spit on him right now. Going outside to call a friend. Thank you for reading.

[Mary-Jane]

Oh dear. Why do you need a keylogger? You've got all the information you need and more really. You are hurt enough. Try and move on with you life and heal.

[dangerstranger]

He wants me to just lay low...not talk about it...see if it will be less inflamed. I am not good in limbo. I am in pain, feel betrayed and very hurt and I want to start moving forward and taking care of myself for once. I have been advised by brother and friend to go to an attorney now to start protecting myself.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this S...

 

Read the bolded part, and know you have the power to do this, but it will require doing things that might go against your kind nature.

 

You need to ask yourself why you continue to be kind and generous, bend over backwards for this man that has a history of cheating and has told you he doesn't love you anymore. He needs to fend for himself, he can find his way to his own damn appointment. It shouldn't be your problem or burden anymore. Taking care of yourself and your own needs means ceasing any effort to look after his.

 

He's obviously not thankful that you do these kind of loving things for him- it's become an expectation of his that you will continue to be a care giver to him despite his bad behaviour.

 

Being kind to yourself means loving yourself enough to recognize that all your kindness isn't appreciated by this man. You've spent your entire marriage accomodating him, and how does he repay you??

 

It's time to stop making excuses and take the steps necessary to look after yourself for a change. He wants out of the marriage? He is seeking other woman that you know about- it's time to let him look after himself.

 

It doesn't matter if you promised to take him to his appointment- things have changed. He's probably going to have appointments for the rest of his life- so when is it no longer your responsibility to make sure he gets there? I'd tell him now that he needs to find his own way, talk to your lawyer and find out what you're looking at financially if you divorce.

 

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this- it sounds like a nightmare. You do have control over the outcome- you just have to exercise that control and start the ball rolling. It may seem like a daunting task, but you can do this. Just the fact that you've survived what you have indicates that you are a strong woman- you have the tools to get through this.

 

I really do think that the first thing you have to do is take a hard line and cut off your emotional support. Don't go out of your way anymore for a man that doesn't appreciate all the things you've sacrificed for him.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Steen719]

Thank you, Danger. I am here for the week and doing the best I can. Part of my desire to do the right thing has to do with my son. He is 20 an he is awesome. He is close to both of us; this will be hard on him, but I want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him that I really did try to do the right thing. It is a flaw, I know, to be like this. I always have tried to find the middle ground in whatever situation I am in.

I am trying to maintain right now and I am going to do the keylogger because I want to have proof in my hand, not that it will do much for me legally, but it will help me. This is not as easy as it sounds. 23 years with one person is a long time, but I don't think I have many illusions. I don't know? I'm tired from not sleeping well and staying all day at the hospital.

Thank you for answering me.

[dangerstranger]

I can't imagine how hard thuis must be on you.

 

What are you going to do if you find proof? How will you proceed?

[Steen719]

If I find something, I'll tell him when I get back from home (going home..where I grew up.. for one month) at the first of August to finish up whatever work on the house he needs to and we can put the house on the market. I just will have no choice but to divorce him. I am so very worried about how to tell my son. I don't want him to blame me, but I am not comfortable about blaming his dad. I can say that his dad has done some things I can't live with and let his dad explain, but the coward probably will say I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I guess I figure if I have some proof, I can make him at least say he had something to do with the divorce and take some responsibility. I also am in a no-fault state and so it does not really count legally, but there are some things I do not want to have to do. I do not want to have to support him at all. The insurance (mine) covers his care, but there is a $5000 catastrophic deductible and I do not want to be responsible for his medical bills. I am hoping that if I offer to keep him on my insurance (I am federally retired and I have read they can order that for a little while) until he is on Medicare, which will be Nov. 2012 and I have some proof that he is cheating, I can appeal to the court not to make me suffer for his indiscretions. I have worked my a$$ off this past 1 1/2 years teaching 3 classes at a time to cover the bills and I do not want to suffer for this man's lack of honesty.

 

He has disconnected..is on facebook right now out in the lobby of the hotel, yet is asking for sex intermittently...never mind he can't do anything due to his medication. I think he is trying to bend me to his will. I am not bending and he is really not used to that.

 

I made it through today; I can make it through the rest of the week if I just keep refusing to discuss it. I'm sick about it and I am honestly sick about telling my son, who thinks we are Ok. He is at college and we are good at not showing it while he is home.

 

I am angry and I am sad. I am not going to cry. I have not cried in days Thanks for taking the time to read this and answer me. I really do appreciate it.

[Steen719]

Well, I lied.....I cried some, but he is not in here, so maybe it doesn't count.

[dangerstranger]

You know what I see in you? A woman that has spent most of her life doing things to please other people. You're amazingly kind and generous to the people you love. You're a loving and protective mother, even going out of your way to shield your child from knowing that his father is a bad husband. I don't know of many people capable of your resolve.

 

When is it your time though? You spend so much time making sure everyone else is looked after- but when's the last time you did something great for yourself?

 

It's really hard to leave 23 years behind you- but do you deserve the treatment your husband throws at you?

 

Your son will understand, and he'll be okay. He's 20, he's an adult- and neither you or your husband are going to stop being a parent to him just because you aren't married anymore.

 

Keylogger or not- you already have enough personal experience to leave him. He's cheated once, and he has said he doesn't love you. That alone is enough to leave him. My ex Husband told me that- after many years together- "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". I had to leave after that. I couldn't stomache someone staying with me when they weren't 100% devoted to me. 10 years was hard to leave with no kids- I can't imagine 23... But I can tell you- I am in such a better place 5 years later.

 

It was so scary to leave at first, but I'd never go back to someone that didn't love me 100%. I know you have kids- and that's a factor for you. But this can't go on forever.

 

Time to live your life for you for a change.

[dangerstranger]

Well, I lied.....I cried some, but he is not in here, so maybe it doesn't count.

 

Nope, it doesn't count. I used to set aside time to cry in the bathtub when my marriage was falling apart. I'd plan my day: Get to work, make it through work, grab groceries, get dinner done, watch an hour of TV- then have a bubble bath where it was safe to cry where no one would know.

 

Then I'd brab my towel and head for my crying time:p

 

Seems kinda funny, setting time aside in your day to cry it out, but I think putting myself on a crying schedule helped in a warped way!

[fltc]

I do not want to have to support him at all. The insurance (mine) covers his care, but there is a $5000 catastrophic deductible and I do not want to be responsible for his medical bills. I am hoping that if I offer to keep him on my insurance (I am federally retired and I have read they can order that for a little while) until he is on Medicare, which will be Nov. 2012 and I have some proof that he is cheating, I can appeal to the court not to make me suffer for his indiscretions.

 

When you seen an attorney make it clear you do NOT want him to remain on your insurance, that's just asking for trouble! Get legal advice on this and make no such offer unless your lawyer advises you to do so.

[Steen719]

Time to live your life for you for a change.

I know you are right and I guess that is why I am sitting here crying. It just so sucks. Of course, I am still sitting here alone at 11:30. He is still on facebook, I guess. Who does that? Who leaves the person who came here with him, for him, to sit in the room alone? You are right, I do not deserve what he is dishing out.

 

fltc...that probably is very good advice. I need to protect myself. I don't think I can leave him without insurance, though. He has had a liver transpant. The judge can order it, anyway, even if I don't want it. What a freaking mess. A divorce attorney costs $5000; I checked. I do not have that kind of money. I will call an attorney my neighbor recommended to me and see if I can at least get a consult, do the paperwork myself and file. I have to try to get some sleep. Thank you both.

[dangerstranger]

Time to live your life for you for a change.

I know you are right and I guess that is why I am sitting here crying. It just so sucks. Of course, I am still sitting here alone at 11:30. He is still on facebook, I guess. Who does that? Who leaves the person who came here with him, for him, to sit in the room alone? You are right, I do not deserve what he is dishing out.

 

fltc...that probably is very good advice. I need to protect myself. I don't think I can leave him without insurance, though. He has had a liver transpant. The judge can order it, anyway, even if I don't want it. What a freaking mess. A divorce attorney costs $5000; I checked. I do not have that kind of money. I will call an attorney my neighbor recommended to me and see if I can at least get a consult, do the paperwork myself and file. I have to try to get some sleep. Thank you both.

 

You know what? This is the time where you have to take the bull by the horns and ask yourself- why do YOU stay with this person. He does what he does, you have no control over that- YOU DO have control over you, and what you do.

 

You can talk about your son, and make him your excuse to stick around and do all these things for your exH.

 

So- you've gone out of your way- you're doing him a huge favour- he's ignoring you and sitting in his hospital bed on facebook? What more do you need to endure before you leave him or stop doing things for him?

 

When does your life start?

[Steen719]

Hey Danger, we are actually in a motel as all of his tests this week are outpatient. He goes out to the lobby to use the computer there. I talked to my brother this morning...he thinks H is going nuts! I don't know. I will say this...I have an uncanny ability to look at all of these other posts and know what people should do, but lack insight into my own..Ha ha:laugh:

 

I thought about that while I was reading a lot of these posts. It is so easy to say, wow...she or he just doesn't love you anymore; why can't you see that?

 

Oh well, all I got out of this last night was puffy eyes and a headache this morning. He asked me if I wanted to sleep in the bed with him last night. NO Then he asked do you want me to sleep in your bed? NO..talk about no insight...Good Lord.

 

Once again, thanks.

[Steen719]

Wow, outside on the phone again. What a sh$$ As miserable as I am here with him, I think this has helped me see what an idiot I have been. I called brother again just to hear the voice of reason. I am making a plan, calling an attorney next week for at least a consultation. I am trying to maintain. I am a jumbled mess of emotions and thoughts and I am just here to vent.

Thanks if you are reading.

[fltc]

Here's a hug, hope it helps a little...