MissMoni Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It's almost been 8 months of me trying to be "friends" with the ex since he broke up with me, with my longest stretch of no contact being about 75 days. I recently re-added him on FB in hopes to reopen communication, but it's like now that I have graduated and got a job he wants nothing to do with me . I don't know whether or not he's giving me my space or he hates me or just doesn't want to talk to me, but I don't understand why he's being awkward (he dumped me) when I have showed him over and over I am willing to be friends and I don't hate him. My question is, 8 months after the breakup, and even after I've kicked him off the pedestal, why do I still feel guilty for not talking to him when he makes no effort to talk to me? I feel like if we don't end up as friends later, it will be my fault for "reaching out" so much earlier in the breakup, but I did that because I was hurt and confused. Now that I am ready to be friends, he still doesn't really try to talk to me. What gives and how can I get over feeling guilt of trying to move on and not contact him? It almost makes me feel like it will be my fault if we can't be friends because as he puts it "we haven't talked in a while." ...But it's always me opening communication!?!
Mack05 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 MissMoni, I think you need to leave it go. I am currently no contact with my ex for 6 weeks now. There is SOOO much I would like to talk to her about, but she has asked me not to contact her under any circumstances. All I can do is respect her wishes and in the background try to heal. I have stuck to NC but I find it very hard at times. Harder then I could ever have imagined actually. If she broke NC right now, I would reply for sure but in my heart I know she won't. She has already moved on. I'd rather face and deal with my feelings first before moving on myself. I know that's a lot healthier then how my ex deals with things, but my opinion means little to her now. I know why she has the problems she has. I am the only guy in the whole world that gets her, that knows whats exactly wrong and I can't do a god damn thing about it..Very frustrating. However, when I have fully moved on from her, she would be the least person I would want to speak to. If she made contact with me after 8 months I too would ignore the contact request, as my life would have moved on (without her in anyway in it). I would have gotten over my heartbreak the hard way, so why take a few steps backwards? I don't understand people who want to be friends with their ex's!? I think you need to accept friendship is not an option. I wouldn't feel guilty as that is life. I would just leave the guy be and hope things work out for him. I hope and pray things work out for my ex and just because I wouldn't reply after 8 months doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I have made great progress and I don't want to go back. This part of your life is over and now its time to focus going forward. Not backward..
Author MissMoni Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I never wanted to say that being friends wasn't an option, but I guess you are right. It really does seem that I am the only person who is pushing for friendship. He does respond if I contact him (sometimes) but it's always been me trying to be the "bigger person". I think that I am thinking about this because his bday is coming up in a few weeks and I don't want to look like a bitch not saying happy birthday but at the same time, it's like, why even bother.
Beeotch Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) It is normal...but a faulty internalization of blame. It goes along with the "wudda-shudda-cudda" mentality or the feeling that you need to take everything upon yourself and "fix" things because it is "your fault" even though it isn't. You don't need to be friends with your ex. If you guys should be friends, it will follow a natural pattern, like normal friendships do. No one pursues friendships and chase their friends or try to force it (well most normal people anyway). You naturally get along and click and communicate or you don't. It's part of the fear of letting go. It is scary to think that someone you were so close to can become someone you never speak to....I know the feeling, but incredibly, things fall into place and you get used to the new dynamics. I remember when I used to try to "be friends" with my ex so bad When I did NC and felt guilty like "maybe he thinks I hate him", maybe this, maybe that and it was delusional. Self-delusion. Now, it's 2 years since we broke up and I haven't spoken to him in a year and I don't care. I don't feel bad, we're not friends and as time goes by I realize that the desire for friendship wasn't genuine, it was more of me trying to hold on. My life is better without him as a "friend" and I have plenty of real friends so I don't need to try to force some awkward friendship with my ex. Edited May 31, 2011 by Beeotch
Author MissMoni Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 you are right beeotch, and have convinced me it's probably not best for me to send him a birthday message anyway. It seems he wants to be left alone, so I'll give him THAT for his birthday, lol. I don't understand why our exes say they want to be friends and then go out of their way to avoid us. It's sad. But it's life. I do have a lot of guilt built up inside and wish I could have done things differently. But I have to keep reminding myself he probably knows that I still care and it's not like I haven't TRIED to be friends. But you are right, friendship takes on a natural pattern. It hurts but I figure he won't care if I say happy birthday anyway..
Author MissMoni Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Decided to go NC indefinently. I have gone 76 days before, so I know I can do it...it finally has hit me that I don't need someone in my life who can't see my value, even as a friend. I have plenty of friends. I don't need to beg him to be my friend or anything else. What he doesn't want, another man will! Anyway. Feeling so empowered this morning to just let go. I have nothing else to lose, I already have broken NC a ton of times just to let him know I still care, I don't hate him, and want to be friends. I'm through. He knows I still care, there is no point in reminding. I am disappearing off his radar for good. And his birthday in two weeks? Who cares. This is about ME! For too long I gave him power on how I felt about myself - no more!
Author MissMoni Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Decided to go NC indefinitely. I have gone 76 days before, so I know I can do it...it finally has hit me that I don't need someone in my life who can't see my value, even as a friend. I have plenty of friends. I don't need to beg him to be my friend or anything else. What he doesn't want, another man will! Anyway. Feeling so empowered this morning to just let go. I have nothing else to lose, I already have broken NC a ton of times just to let him know I still care, I don't hate him, and want to be friends. I'm through. He knows I still care, there is no point in reminding. I am disappearing off his radar for good. And his birthday in two weeks? Who cares. This is about ME! For too long I gave him power on how I felt about myself - no more! The faster I get this loser off my mind the faster I can get back to me and hopefully in the future open myself up to something and someone better. I already have everything I could ever dream of - just graduated from college, great friends, loving family, a dream job...I am well on my way..
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