beyondhope Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) So, I met someone on an online dating site back in October. Let's call him McDreamy. We went on a date, I thought he was a little off, I declined a second, then after a few weeks decided I wanted to see him again. We only saw each other once a week for a few weeks but when we hung out it was an all-day, whirlwind affair. I slept with him just before I left for the holidays, and when I came back I slept with him again. The next time we went on a date, I found out (by accident) that he was sleeping with other people--this was something we'd never discussed; I'd been so struck by him that I'd be afraid to ask, though in the back of my mind I had a feeling he was. So, that night I walked out on him and pretty much went crazy thinking that I was worthless because he hadn't chosen me and because he'd been sleeping with other people too. He emailed me to ask what happened (I didn't tell him why I was upset) but I never replied. I literally went crazy--I checked myself into a hospital after almost swallowing a bottle of pills. Fast forward to this summer. I had a brief relationship with another guy, and broke up with him right before I left for my summer job. Well, it was lonely on the road so I emailed McDreamy and told him why I had walked out on him back in January. He sent a reply (which I wasn't expecting) that was cool and collected about the whole thing--he seemed genuinely surprised that I thought we were exclusive. Then he wrote me a very nice message about keeping in touch and hoping to see me when I come back in the Fall. His reply really startled me--it was so forthright, and honest, that I had to appreciate it. And it flattered me that he wanted to see me again! So, I replied. Long story short, he's pulled out some stops to help me get acquainted with folks here (it's his hometown) and added me on Facebook. The Facebook add made me realize that he really was seeing other women--multiple women--when we were dating. We've exchanged several emails now. He's so, so charming and I have to admit, I think he's genuine too. But I also know in the back of my mind that: a) We're two thousand miles apart for the next three months b) He was this charming the first time around and it didn't mean anything The reason I'm writing this here is because he is a great guy; a total bachelor; total catch...but he's not about to drop everything for me. I have three months here that I could easily spend fantasizing about a relationship with him, only to have that shattered when I return in the Fall. I NEED to break my own cycle of obsessing and believing that I've found the "perfect" guy, when that fantasy is all in my head. I have so much potential, and I don't want to ruin my life again over something that isn't real--it would be a disservice both to myself and to him. I guess I'm not really looking for advice; just wanted to put that out there. But any support (or tips on breaking the habit of obsessive thinking) would be welcomed. Thanks all. Edited May 31, 2011 by beyondhope
2sunny Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 my best advice is NOT to sleep with men until you have evidence and a serious conversation about being exclusive. and wait a long while - long enough to understand completely that he has you as his priority. and get tested for STD's. you should get to know the person completely before you need to give him your body intimately.
Author beyondhope Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 That's bad advice. Were you born in the dark ages? I'm a health professional, btw. I probably know more about STI's than you ever will, you moronic zealot. Haha.
D-Lish Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 That's bad advice. Were you born in the dark ages? I'm a health professional, btw. I probably know more about STI's than you ever will, you moronic zealot. Haha. So, um, as a health professional you wouldn't advise people that are sexually active with partner that are sexually active with others to adhere to regular testing??? OP, don't invest and obsess over this guy, you don't even know him. You've put him on a pedestal without knowing anything about him. Your instincts told you he was a player when you first met him, but you're going back for seconds...
welikeincrowds Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 The way I see it, what you're doing right now is settling for nothing. To compensate for the internal conflict, and the pain of absence -- both figurative and literal, in your case -- you're going limerent with the image of this stranger. When you experience something that "just works" at those beginning stages -- where the connection and the trust is forming at full speed, and you have no stubborn doubts to speak of -- it becomes clear that there's absolutely no reason to experience anything less, if what you desire is to love and be loved. It may be that you've never had this experience, or that it's been a while since you have; and so you've forgotten, or don't realize, or don't believe that this is what you want, and what is out there waiting for you. In the spirit of your post, this isn't exactly advice, just thoughts for you to consider.
welikeincrowds Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 That's bad advice. Were you born in the dark ages? I'm a health professional, btw. I probably know more about STI's than you ever will, you moronic zealot. Haha. I think that's very sound advice for someone who has a history of becoming suicidal after not entering an exclusive relationship with a casual sex partner of a few weeks. That's not something to be glossed over, by the way. I'm sure you agree that it's a significant part of your story. I'm assuming that if you are not still in therapy now, you at the very least entered it immediately and substantially addressed the issue.
johan Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 you're going limerent with the image of this stranger. Wow. A brand new word for me. But yet it's such a big part of my life. Especially when it comes to Kamille. How could I not have known of this word?
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