I'm going to lose him because of my own insecurities...HELP!

[bethyboo]

I have been dating a man for almost 3 years. I'm 32 and he is 27. I know that I am going to scare him away if I don't stop being so jealous. I can't help it. Whenever I see him on his cell phone, I always think he is talking to another girl. I get crazy thoughts like this all day long. It is enough to drive me crazy, I can see where this can drive him crazy as well. We both work at the same restaurant and he is often behind the bar. I even get jealous when he is serving women clients and engaging in conversations with them. Sometimes it turns into a fight when we get home. I usually come to my senses and realize how stupid I was and the only sparks there were are the ones I created with my own insecurities.

 

I've been cheated on before and i feel now that I must "protect" myself from ever feeling that pain again. I love this man with all my heart, I want to learn how to be at peace. I know he loves me too. Anybody have some strong words to break my cycle of jealousness before I drive him away.

 

Thanks!

[iceprincess]

Maybe the problem is that you both work at the same place. Maybe your jealousy derives from the fact that you don't think you're good enough to be with him. There may be some internal conflicts that you ahve about yourself and you are expending those feelings/thoughts out on him. You said that you know he loves you, but even when he's just serving women customers, you get jealous. I think that you should come to terms with how you feel about yourself first...don't let your jealousy drive you and the man you love, apart.

[fredrolin]

The fact that you were cheated on has helped to mess up your head.

 

Everybody feels jealousy and insecurities when they truly love someone, but due to the fact you were burned in the past you may be going overboard.

 

You can't dwell on the past; your current boyfriend is innocent.

 

It is unhealthy to a relationship to get mad or upset at your mate if he interacts with other people at work or socially.

[johan]

If you knew in your heart without a doubt that he loved you, then you wouldn’t care about those things, right? I mean you don’t really expect him to not interact with other women or to talk on his phone. That would be silly. If you had no doubts about his love for you then you’d figure the women were just customers and the phone call was to his mother or something. But instead you figure that he doesn’t love you enough and he’s messing around.

 

Instead of thinking about what he’s doing all the time, maybe you should focus on what the source of all your doubts is.

 

Do you not see yourself as someone he could love? How do you feel about yourself?

Does he not show show his love the right way for you, or does he do things that indicate (to you) he doesn’t love you?

Do you think you can’t ever tell when people love you because they are so good at hiding their cheating ways?

Are you cynical and you just don’t believe in love?

Are you sure you really love him?

Has he cheated in previous relationships?

Are you just extra sensitive and thinking too hard because you’re scared to make a lifetime commitment to him?

[bethyboo]

Johan,

You gave me alot to think about. It is not that I doubt his love for me. It is just the fear of losing that love. He reassures me all the time that he loves me. Any other woman would probably think I was crazy for thinking he would ever cheat on me.

 

We had a nice talk last night. I told him that he wasn't doing anything wrong, and I realized that it was me that was making things difficult because of my insecurities. Once again, he reassured me that he loved me. He said "I have never cheated on anyone, and I have been cheated on, I know what it feels like. I would never do that to you." I want to believe him.

 

I look at the examples. I have read so many stories in this forum......I love my husband......but.....one night.....I was drunk.....you know! How can you not fear that you might be the victim someday.

 

I read a really good article yesterday. It said "Love Deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely."

 

I should just post this on my refrigerator, so every morning I can look at it and to remind me.

 

Thanks!

[johan]

Well, I’d like to challenge that. You say you don’t doubt his love for you. So why do you feel insecure? Maybe you do believe he loves you, but do you believe he loves you enough not to do that to you? Seems like you don’t.

 

I mean, ask yourself, how do you behave when you really love someone? You probably don’t think twice about anyone else, right? So your insecurity sort of tells me that you don’t believe he loves you THAT much. So I have the same questions as above. Why not?

 

I know how you feel. It kind of sounds like the stories you hear are making you cynical. I’ve been cynical, too. I’ve been cheated on, and I’ve seen relationships fall apart all around me. Of all the relationships I’ve ever seen, my grandparents are the only one that I ever really admired. The odds are against us. But as long as you’re cynical, you won’t really be happy or comfortable in a relationship. You’ll always be on guard and at least a little bit worried.

[bethyboo]

I feel insecure because I am older than him. I can hear him with his friends sometimes talking about how "hot" some girls are. I've told him that it hurts me when I hear him talking about other girls being "hot" he tells me its' just guy talk.

 

I don't usually even look at other guys. Even my married friends check out other guys, but I don't find any interest.

 

Since I am at work right now, I don't have alot of time to answer your questions above, but I will take them home with me tonight and try to get answers to them.

 

I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone before. I want this to work. I do want a lifetime commitment with him.