Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Anyway..I'll leave it be for now. I really hope your sit works out r just having more input/perspectives/history had made it at least funny and bearable as you wait our yours Fredo. Good luck my man..thx Homebrew..you got your game on..keep helping the helpless lol.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah, how many more sibs she has. This sounds like GIGS. She really just wants her freedom n live w/out expectations for awhile. I've probably GIGS on a couple women b/f. But this is not your fault..you're SUPPOSED to motivate in a LTR..you just need someone mature enough to handle it...as long as you keep it respectful. Still, don't call anyone under 23 an underachiever...it's hard to really know what you want to do, unless you have a guaranteed job waiting. We educate people to be jacks/trades instead of telling them where the money is...the letting their dreams guide them. Underachieving is thinking that getting a gas station job for a couple years is the shiznit b/c you can hang out outside n smoke n look cool. Yeah, I'm not surprised if it is GIGS. I know I'm beating a dead horse but the thing that hurts the most is that someone tells you something for so long and you start to believe it. I understand that people go through phases and changes but it just hurts when it happends unexpectedly. I also want to be there in one of the most important parts of her life of helping her with college cause I know the stress that comes. I hope she does grow out of this.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah, I'm not surprised if it is GIGS. I know I'm beating a dead horse but the thing that hurts the most is that someone tells you something for so long and you start to believe it. I understand that people go through phases and changes but it just hurts when it happends unexpectedly. I also want to be there in one of the most important parts of her life of helping her with college cause I know the stress that comes. I hope she does grow out of this. Same here...I helped her picked her major after she missed a whole year b/c she had a b--ch advisor. Bad move for me as it concentrated TOO MUCH time btw us and made this seem so permanent. I feel just like you..they tell n show you they're going to be there to th end...to get their desired effect from you...YOU DO IT..and better than anyone they've said they've had b/f or could want...then it's like a switch flips and they're another person..right when you need it most..or when the r/s was going to hit that cruise phase. Now I have my school sending me out there for a year..as we planned...and she's not there. I worked my ass off to earn this...n she's not going to live with me..travel and tour with me to make it beautiful...I haven't enjoyed a single semi really, lol. Worked too hard in the bginning n needed too many vid games to relieve my stress and we don't talk all the time like we used to she says..not getting the attention...then it's over...I just wanted to release the pressure valve n take a vacation..but these girls run u into the red...burn u out n leave u at the side of the road..You don't wanna get towed..but u sure as f--k don't wanna move...so you just take those fumes, n hope it gets you to the shop..when you have no cash yet....so you can get the next girl to drive...if you still want a driver at that point lol.
GreenPolicy Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 BPD'ers are emotional children. A 19 year old is still a child. BPD typically doesn't get diagnosed until early adulthood because teenagers are still children and will end relationships for fickle and immature reasons. It's when an adult emotionally processes stuff like a child, that's when you ascribe it to BPD.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Same here...I helped her picked her major after she missed a whole year b/c she had a b--ch advisor. Bad move for me as it concentrated TOO MUCH time btw us and made this seem so permanent. I feel just like you..they tell n show you they're going to be there to th end...to get their desired effect from you...YOU DO IT..and better than anyone they've said they've had b/f or could want...then it's like a switch flips and they're another person..right when you need it most..or when the r/s was going to hit that cruise phase. Now I have my school sending me out there for a year..as we planned...and she's not there. I worked my ass off to earn this...n she's not going to live with me..travel and tour with me to make it beautiful...I haven't enjoyed a single semi really, lol. Worked too hard in the bginning n needed too many vid games to relieve my stress and we don't talk all the time like we used to she says..not getting the attention...then it's over...I just wanted to release the pressure valve n take a vacation..but these girls run u into the red...burn u out n leave u at the side of the road..You don't wanna get towed..but u sure as f--k don't wanna move...so you just take those fumes, n hope it gets you to the shop..when you have no cash yet....so you can get the next girl to drive...if you still want a driver at that point lol. Well, all we can hope for is that they realize that they lost good guys. I dont wish them to hit rock bottom but I do want them to realize they lost something they wont find anywhere else. There going through hard times and all we can really do now is try to move on while they find there way.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I have had all but one Ex come back to me (Not my most recent one... but the one before her)... only of matter of time before I hear from her too. My Grass is the Greenest! And we all see why. This what you have to learn people (more immature) ACTIONS speak everything you want to convey. Words r just the condiments, appetizers. If you have both correlated, u will still hurt because there r hurting people out there...but you will always be respected and respect yourself and then loving will follow. Thanks homebrew.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 BPD'ers are emotional children. A 19 year old is still a child. BPD typically doesn't get diagnosed until early adulthood because teenagers are still children and will end relationships for fickle and immature reasons. It's when an adult emotionally processes stuff like a child, that's when you ascribe it to BPD. Damn, by your earlier posts, I thought u were here to save my ass...no I have to let Fedor's off the hook..n prob mine as well. Thanks a lot lol. I still think the battle rages on w/BPD vs GIGS..n Homebrew would admit I came with one of the best case studies so far. But u still could be right GP.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I have had all but one Ex come back to me (Not my most recent one... but the one before her)... only of matter of time before I hear from her too. My Grass is the Greenest! I'll keep your anecdote in mind. Talking all this out today was really good for me. I thank the both of you for this little conversation we have had. I havent had a good laugh in a while either.
GreenPolicy Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Damn, by your earlier posts, I thought u were here to save my ass...no I have to let Fedor's off the hook..n prob mine as well. Thanks a lot lol. I still think the battle rages on w/BPD vs GIGS..n Homebrew would admit I came with one of the best case studies so far. But u still could be right GP. BPD is an attachment disorder...A person with BPD has a fear of abandonment and will abandon before they can be abandoned. That is the root cause of it. It has nothing to do with GIGS...which in my opinion is just people in their early twenties ending relationships because they are fickle and get bored and are not ready to settle down and get married. GIGS is youth. BPD is a serious mental disorder.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) If you really want to get REAL and cut through all the BS... I could respond to ALMOST EVER POST in the Break up, Second Chance and Coping Thread with just one sentence... If someone wants to be with you, THEY WILL! Dumpees will run, hide and even deny this simple fact and truth for a while. It's only when a dumpee finally agrees with and accepts this fact and truth... that the real healing starts to begin. I could respond to the following threads and posts regarding breadcrumbs, what does this mean, there is another person, why, cheating, GIGS, Facebook, Closure, what are they thinking, should I go NC, broke NC, should I move on, is it over, rebounds, mixed messages, etc. and not only answer their question but also be 100% correct with... "If they want to be with you, they will." Think about it... Since you're in my endzone dancing after scoring a few TD's...I must ask..what if you KNOW they're denying/hiding their feelings for you? What then? What if they want to be with you, but can't do the responsiblity..so they try to destroy u..try to make u hate them instead? Don't have to answer it now..but since it looks like yet ANOTHER insomnia night for me lol (getting more OTC sleepers tomorrow)..do it at your leisure in my endzone..you've beat me..but it's only halftime lol. And my experience should tell EVERYONE why ULTIMATUMS and ALL/NOTHINGS DON'T WORK..or should be used as an extreme last option. Her actions in the beginning about the b/up wasn't matching her words...so I pushed and got what I wanted in the beginning..the talks..the swear to meet and talks...her true feelings about me..I love u, we'll talk when I get back, I promise-we're just on a break....then the pressure just made her a different person. I made this happen b/c her actions kept saying she still loved me but was doing a lot of things out of anger...which was true...then she made it into her safe zone to make me appear controlling..which I wasn't to the extent it was portrayed...it was just A LOT on the line then..n she done things so prematurely, it kept EVERYTHING turbo-charged..esp when she acted a certain way during the whole r/s then was so diff after an argument about her safety/needs/future/change. Only use pressure when a person is strong and u know they know themselves, but u just want closure r the pain to stop. Ultimatums kill reconciliation. Best to use NC/LC...space...and be the person u was n the r/s..no matter what's at stake. If you can't talk with a level head...don't. Write down what you will say in an email, but don't send it, imho. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Strength of Heart Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 BPD'ers are emotional children. A 19 year old is still a child. BPD typically doesn't get diagnosed until early adulthood because teenagers are still children and will end relationships for fickle and immature reasons. It's when an adult emotionally processes stuff like a child, that's when you ascribe it to BPD. My ex is 18 and I to suspect her of having BPD. I do understand what you mean about adolescence and diagnosing and its totally understandable, but definitely cannot be ruled out as a possibility. I can say that there is a good chance my ex is BPD because of a few serious things. 1) Past history of cutting 2) Traumatic events in her early teenage years such as her schizophrenic/bi-polar dad cheating on her mother, which resulted in her entire family falling apart, and watching her grandma whom she was very close too die of cancer in her hospital bed. She has virtually no relationship with her father anymore. 3) Triangulation. My ex had an emotional affair with a kid from work while she was still with me. This kid is a recovering Heroin addict. She tells me her feelings were so intense for this kid that she could not ignore them. A healthy person and fully mature person would see that red flag and walk away, but a BPD's feelings are there reality. I believe it's not safe to rule out the possibility of BPD just because a lot of the traits are common in adolescence, although it makes sense. The important thing to know with these people is that they were not emotionally mature at all, we cannot possibly have a healthy relationship with them and we need to get them out of our lives as soon as we can and detach eventually. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I get your situation completely, when she came into my life it just seemed all too good to be true - and it was. BPD or GIGS - whatever it is, it doesn't matter - you need to run and not look back, as hard, painful, confusing, and so on and so forth that it is. You also need to look at yourself. From my relationship with my suspected BPD ex, I learned through counseling and some research of my own that I am a co-dependent. I've began to recover from my co-dependency so I can be ready for a healthy relationship and know how to FIND a healthy person FOR a healthy relationship in the future. Co-Dependents are attracted to BPD's and people with problems in general, we need to acknowledge and take responsibility for that. Homebrew does give great advice though and its definitely true in a lot of these situations, however, I would definitely not rule out BPD because I feel it'd be dangerous to do so. What if she really does have BPD? This poster could get sucked back into the vicious cycle that is a relationship with a BPD and further hurt. Thats why my advice is to just get her out of your life completely and hope she never returns. Learn some things about yourself, most importantly.
Strength of Heart Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Dude... No offense about your Ex... But there are 10,000 red flags that you ignored... some of which you found out pretty early on. Not to be a jerk... but you were more or less asking for it. Universal Truth... Hurt People... HURT PEOPLE! People can only treat us the way we allow them too. I am not giving someone else permission or the responsibility to decide how I am going to be treated. I know I was, Homebrew, thats what I said in my response lol. I take responsibility for ignoring all the red flags too, but quite honestly, I was young and I did not know any better. Have I learned? Your damn right I have! After my ex dumped me I got involved with a girl whom I thought was cool, nice and pretty upon first impression. I got to know her pretty fast and things were going well, then she started telling me about her problems. What problems, you ask? 1) Cutting herself and burning herself, suicide attempts, takes anti-depressants. 2) Ranting about how she'd been wronged by this person and that person in the past but never once acknowledging anything about herself. 3) Had many sex partners by the age of 18. What did I do? I said sorry, but I cannot be involved with you. If thats not a clear indication that I learned about red flags, then I don't know what is. The fact that I've even taken the initiative to learn about my own faults and to care enough to educate myself on what a healthy and genuine relationship is all about, at the ripe age of 19, is a miracle. Some people take a lifetime or never learn that stuff! Also when I met my ex I was 16 and very vulnerable as I had developed an anxiety/depression issue following a break up with my first ever girlfriend (I did not know how to deal with the rejection both mentally and emotionally, my body's automatic response was that). Vulnerable people like that are what BPD's are known to latch onto, idealize, and over time devalue and pull their mask off after making the non addicted to something that was too good to be true. Do you think a recovering heroin addict is any less vulnerable than I was as a person with an anxiety and depression disorder? Not at all, he's the perfect choice for her to latch onto. I've come a long way Homebrew, I know that ignoring the red flags was my own fault and even getting involved with her was my own fault. But what can I say? I was young and didn't know any better, to me it honestly seemed like the miracle of my life. I'm on the road to recovery from co-dependency now and part of that recovery is cutting this girl out of my life entirely. I've made PLENTY of the classic mistakes since we broke up, even today I did, but I learn more and more everyday about myself and get closer and closer to doing what I need to do for myself every day.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) But I want Homebrew's outcome, lol. Mine had traumas and she really went out of her way to hurt me. There were no signs though until we'd already exchanged the I love yous and she was secretive about her webpages I found, only sought for more pic cause she had image issues and I was tired of complimenting her own the few from Myspace...(made FB her sacred territory for awhile==damn TMI like a mfer). But how secretive she became about info in the public sphere already should've been a huge red flag...n it is a BPD trait, although they tell things/many things early in the r/s, as she did. Put it on her shyness, n she was really really into me at the time n didn't want anything to ruin my impression of her...which is very high and impressed. I don't think it was too good to be true..cause if it was an act..she kept it up for a VERY long time..something BPD's r hard to do w/out sex on the side..which I KNOW she never had b/f December. IDK anymore. BPD is very real, and very devastating..but I can't discount a very fickle person in her youth that didn't know she was until she was tested, by herself away from her friends. If she's still like that at 28, then I'll know it was BPD..but I've been kinda carrot'd here. I want to keep growing and impress her to try to impress me if/when she stops by again. I want what I lost..n that hope give me hope..n that hope will probably break me away from caring about this outcome. Both sides could be correct..but if she doesn't know she has a problem..or seek help that I can see...how does BPD help me...I'm still here with everything embarrassed/wrecked. I'd rather stay a great person..keep my integrity and know I was the greenest grass..if not to her..at least to myself. Don't know if this mindset will survive the lows I get..but it will put me back in the gym. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) SoH..my Ex had 1-3 of your last post, although 3 she claims was not that high..but there was plenty of 2nd-3rd bases...and a couple MFF's. I put that to youth. No suicide attempt that she'd admit..but claimed she would when I left...wronged A LOT...by even very close friends. Hated many of her close friends when she had me...lol..couldn't even get her to get excited to hang out with them....but she puts on that front. Has sacred ones, but they're flawed, betrayed her too. Took anti-depressants during the middle of the r/s..but she felt too numbed out..n didn't like how she responded to me on them..had a therapist through 50 percent of the r/s that she would never open up to or do the hwork assigned...but had the biggest brightest smiles with me...laugh fully and often..n lived for me..so IDK. She gaslighted/crazymade..but she had been cheated on..so it was insecurities. IDK anymore here....n it's crazy cause I've put so much into the BPD thing...but wow. I still have to check out the age thing...it could be just a sheltered girl acting out of fear/longing for that big world she was exposed to..n being in so many adult situations may have been overwhelming n stopped her innocent but still mature mindset. Can't stress enough how mature she seemed..but her mother was 40 when she had her. Prob always heard like adult stuff/crazymaking by the mum. The main reason I loved her..she was a good conversationalist when I finally got her to open up with her opinions...I'm older so she was scared her lack of depth would decrease my attraction...was the opposite..had what she didn't know she did..esp music-wise. Okay..whatever...lol. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 If you really want to get REAL and cut through all the BS... I could respond to ALMOST EVER POST in the Break up, Second Chance and Coping Thread with just one sentence... If someone wants to be with you, THEY WILL! Think about it... This is the truth that I chose to ignore for 2 months while an ex after a breakup told me we were "kinda trying again", that she still wanted to marry me, PROMISED she was coming back as soon as she could and PROMISED we would get married, yet still didn't want to be together, and then slept with someone else. lol. Even after all that, she still says she might be back and we could have a future. Unfortunately for her I plan on being much nicer to myself in the future and I don't need someone who borderline cheated on me after promising we were still loyal to each other while she was deciding. Homebrew is right, don't dissect the text message someone sent you, don't read into what they're doing on Facebook, if they wanted you, they'd come make a real attempt.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I know not that high these days is like under 100 b/f 25 lol. It's so ez for them..no social stigma anymore...n sluts to be friends with EVERYWHERE!
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) And this is not to guilt anyone that has already gone down or thinking about going down the path I did. I find it VERY hypocritical that my SO had no problems letting me see her pain, even at things that weren't really warranted out of her fear of losing me, even if it wasn't really at risk...n I couldn't. I saw her objectively, n my love for her..my empathy gave her the benefit for her irrationality, but when the power was in her hands...I was assessed with a valid/rational human response in the worst way possible. I would never let her go through that and dangle over another woman..never. I've seen her worse, n forgot about it..knowing it wasn't who she was..not exploit or let another person exploit it. And a person that was nearly destroyed by being cheated on should know better. And I'm sure many people feel the same way..this is NOT to exonerate the dumper/emotional blackmailers/confused people that drag out stuff...even if they're feeling heat/pain too, this is just how you must try to maintain control. They weaken us sometimes, by making us feel..then punishing us for those feelings later when it is to make them do so again. Be careful. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Go live with him. Saw through a FB update from her friend that she is about to leave the Uni she's just in her first year in...FOR GOOD. Either she got distracted and flunked out..or she lied about the reasons for the b/u and transferred OUR r/s and fell in love with him THAT fast..even if there's no indications//evidence of infidelity...and a lot of s--t that I didn't bring her. Sorry..but I had to look as she's just changed her pic after a long while, so I know she's active again. I have no direct access to her in any way, for a reason..but I'm going back on the BPD train again. No one is this irrational...yes, the pain/severe drunkenness she right before/during/and after the breakup might have killed her Uni experience...flunked out..but I doubt it..although her final year in A-levels was very stressful for her. She's very resourceful/intelligent...so I think she can rise to the occasion, but I think she's been completely starved and blinded by a few things..and has changed to a completely different person. OMG..my worst nightmare. They never made any of their r/s public...now I'm about to have the worst bomb dropped on me after a year. If this is not a MidEastern abroad stint...which I don't think she'd say she was gone for good..but again, she wanted to be a national of that country all of a sudden...oh man..she could've spent her time transferring to a school out there. She has changed every priority IMMEDIATELY. And wow..could be over reacting, but I doubt it. I know I look very stupid..n I know my faults n will get help for that..but this isn't normal human behavior. Change your life that drastically after knowing a bloke less than a year. Being in love maybe 6 officially as well as being a couple. She knows I'm coming for my abroad year...maybe they've both pulled the trigger to be gone...no temptation. I can't believe any of this is happening. I might not make it..even if I have too much to supposedly live for. I put everything into this thing to be made into the worse person on earth...and shamed in so many places cause I believed in her when she claimed NO ONE did...and it was easy to...I just listened. I just cared. I was sexually attracted but I was attracted to the whole person..and this is my reward. Total reward. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Go live with him. Saw through a FB update from her friend that she is about to leave the Uni she's just in her first year in...FOR GOOD. Either she got distracted and flunked out..or she lied about the reasons for the b/u and transferred OUR r/s and fell in love with him THAT fast..even if there's no indications//evidence of infidelity...and a lot of s--t that I didn't bring her. Sorry..but I had to look as she's just changed her pic after a long while, so I know she's active again. I have no direct access to her in any way, for a reason..but I'm going back on the BPD train again. No one is this irrational...yes, the pain/severe drunkenness she right before/during/and after the breakup might have killed her Uni experience...flunked out..but I doubt it..although her final year in A-levels was very stressful for her. She's very resourceful/intelligent...so I think she can rise to the occasion, but I think she's been completely starved and blinded by a few things..and has changed to a completely different person. OMG..my worst nightmare. They never made any of their r/s public...now I'm about to have the worst bomb dropped on me after a year. If this is not a MidEastern abroad stint...which I don't think she'd say she was gone for good..but again, she wanted to be a national of that country all of a sudden...oh man..she could've spent her time transferring to a school out there. She has changed every priority IMMEDIATELY. And wow..could be over reacting, but I doubt it. I know I look very stupid..n I know my faults n will get help for that..but this isn't normal human behavior. Change your life that drastically after knowing a bloke less than a year. Being in love maybe 6 officially as well as being a couple. She knows I'm coming for my abroad year...maybe they've both pulled the trigger to be gone...no temptation. I can't believe any of this is happening. I might not make it..even if I have too much to supposedly live for. I put everything into this thing to be made into the worse person on earth...and shamed in so many places cause I believed in her when she claimed NO ONE did...and it was easy to...I just listened. I just cared. I was sexually attracted but I was attracted to the whole person..and this is my reward. Total reward. Man, if she's going to act like this and leave her schooling for a dude that she has barely been with, she doesnt deserve you. You sound like a caring guy that would do anything to make that girl happy. I know that feeling of wanting to give everything you have to them. Problem is, she doesnt want it nor does she deserve it at this point. I know it hurts but dont do anything irrational. There is plenty to live for! Prove her wrong and be the great guy you know you can be.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 This is the truth that I chose to ignore for 2 months while an ex after a breakup told me we were "kinda trying again", that she still wanted to marry me, PROMISED she was coming back as soon as she could and PROMISED we would get married, yet still didn't want to be together, and then slept with someone else. lol. Even after all that, she still says she might be back and we could have a future. Unfortunately for her I plan on being much nicer to myself in the future and I don't need someone who borderline cheated on me after promising we were still loyal to each other while she was deciding. Homebrew is right, don't dissect the text message someone sent you, don't read into what they're doing on Facebook, if they wanted you, they'd come make a real attempt. Do you think or know that she had an interest in this guy before the break up?
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Do you think or know that she had an interest in this guy before the break up? Thanks for caring..lol...cause I wouldn't about a dude that sounds so stupid. I know I shouldn't look..but I hold out hope that she's better than this..even if I'd been proven so wrong n the end n it led to a lot of recent defeats....but she's too beautiful to be acting like the loser she is...I mean I gave benefit of the doubt that she's being to hard on herself but she is actually acting like the loser of the group that I brought out of it. 2 love of lifes in such a short period...yes, she comes from a sheltered/cold household, n she said that at the end..but she's travelled all over Europe...she's been places, she's just always talked like she had to look/be like this..have that...do that..right now...or before now or she wasn't human or some sh-t. She got out of a lot of that during the r/s..a lot pretty self-defeating/negative. I did so much to get her back to rationality..and it worked. It was easy to.. To answer your question..she never known him until maybe a month b/f the breakup....a week she claims as he was out of town. But I know it was about a month...b/c she started getting distant the last month...claiming all the sudden she needed quiet from ME..when all through that period I STILL had to write papers while she lingered when she could n cried about missing me so. We were almost there...no sentimentality...claws out...just everything..so much hatred..venom, cause I was the way she was during the r/s. I thought at times it was overwrought..but I was mature..as she blamed me for later. "but i had been very vulnerable extremely even if you didnt realise i got too absorbed in you without egtting myself back befroehand" this new dude is the same goddamned thing! I didn't have to take her from anyone...she had a casual r/s the summer b/f meeting me in early November 2K8..found she was horribly down over a blow up from her friends about something..when she was always the funny one/awkward 1 in surprising good way of the group. Innocent/clever funny one u can't replace as I saw..our sense of humor matched nearly completely. I don't believe I was with a loser that bled me to feel special w/out considering me so...but she did if this is what I think. This was her reasons for breaking up...n she immediately gave what she claimed she won from me to another dude. GIGS is about exploration/college....not transferring r/s....being in total love with strangers to spite people! "i mean how stupid to let it get so bad i made myself old and be that close to making myself die becasusde of something someone says" "i tired to shape up to what you wanted,my god how ive cried sometimes lik e a maniac" "we didnt have a realistic life when it was good" "we had no responsbility no jobs at one point we just had each ther life isnt like that" "but i wanted too much to please you,it was the most important thing" "ive got back top lerbanon i'm so selfish i cant do it" "i woke up to myself and saw i really had been living dream for the past 2 years, and was it what i wanted myself yet " "i'm definiterly not mature like you though, i think this suimmer has proved i'm very very immature indeed,...its not good and its not mature enougg for marriage none of that...and i want to act young right now, i feel i do.. SO HOW MATURE IT THAT... want to be irresponsible...simpel because i cant remember when i was younger at all now...if i can do that to someone i cant marry them...and i cant elt them want to marry me...they deserve someone as pure as snow...not someone who goes and kisses someone" She's amazingly stubborn and delusional. I mean...if it was about being irresponsible..how bad is vowing to complete school...then leaving it for some dude..when that pattern made her have A-levels a year longer and she claims I was such a detriment after the fact to the end of them..graduating a year later...missed her first year of school..starting a programme 2 years later than everyone else...when she's such an insecure person about image. Thanks at all for givin a ****. We'd all left on such a high note yesterday...fun note under the circumstances..just wanted to see..feel...and got godsmacked. This can't be real..she was adamant I wasn't going to make her affect this school. Yeah..she has very popular out there last summer...the embassy wrote her..n I think she could be probably working for them this summer..she did meet the president of the whole country last year..we were still fully together but he seemed taken with her she says. It is amazing how this country has went to her head n destroyed our life/future. She's just always cared extremely too much over the idle s--t. It is a thought process...I don't know OCD on vanity things...but we got through that. I didn't know ANY of this going in..she was so open, mature, intelligent. Had setbacks..but her take was logical...partied beforehand...wanted a more controlled party environment n better friends. But I was scared she needed a r/s...but I was down from not having one n spots too. Was too damned empathetic. But the major hangups left quickly...esp after we got engaged...she did become absorbed in me...to the point she had no side projects outside work/a few social outings with friends wanted sparingly...lol...I coaxed her into a few of them. Always dreaded I was losing the love/attraction for her..n I never did...it never went anywhere...I did have a lot of stress on starting college n my mum was so bitter about me having someone...there was outside stress..but w/o that...n I showed her..she was never a problem. I could spend days making her feel special..cause she was. So much potential..honesty..openness....to call it a dream. I can't believe although I'd been shown she had weak traits..she was this week. She did so much to prove she was so resolute..strong...career-focused but immature in the b/u...but it was all a lie. She was a slave of the moment..and tortured me for it. She's a really good grammar/speller..it was an emotionally charged exchange. I saved my portion/responses for space. We were typing EXTREMELY fast at this point. She chose to want to be around me constantly..acting like man/wife. I had outside things I could do..n so did she...these were HER choices..and I never looked down on her for that..I knew eventually, when she was sated...knew she had a man as good as her emotional investment...she would be a social butterfly. She has in the past...it's in her DNA..she just needed a real man..some people need to feel special..esp with the stuff she's gone through. I understand her thought processes..but not this insanity. Love of life to ANOTHER love of life...w/o thinking...taking time..just stress/embarrassment/escapism. It is driving me insane. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
WTRanger Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Don't you see that you are creating this difficult situation yourself? Break ups are hard enough as it is, but you are making this impossible. You need to simplify your way of thinking about this. It's really quite simple. Everything in life has it's own nature within it. The more you interfere with this, the harder it gets. The more forcing, the more trouble. When abstract and arbitrary rules are imposed from the outside (GIGS, BPD and any other BS that has been crapped all over this thread), the breakup becomes impossibly hard. This is just basic Tao principles, and really it makes life easier to deal with when the bad things happen. Only then do you react as you should, grieve as you should, and heal as you should. Everything else you are doing is just spinning your mental gears. If you just accept that you broke up, grieve, and heal, you'll find yourself in harmony with the situation. Thinking she has a bunch of made up crap is only creating problems and more problems that need to be explained by acronyms, and that just leads to struggle and pain. Pain that is completely unnecessary. Simplify this situation. Don't complicate it with crap.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Don't you see that you are creating this difficult situation yourself? Break ups are hard enough as it is, but you are making this impossible. You need to simplify your way of thinking about this. It's really quite simple. Everything in life has it's own nature within it. The more you interfere with this, the harder it gets. The more forcing, the more trouble. When abstract and arbitrary rules are imposed from the outside (GIGS, BPD and any other BS that has been crapped all over this thread), the breakup becomes impossibly hard. This is just basic Tao principles, and really it makes life easier to deal with when the bad things happen. Only then do you react as you should, grieve as you should, and heal as you should. Everything else you are doing is just spinning your mental gears. If you just accept that you broke up, grieve, and heal, you'll find yourself in harmony with the situation. Thinking she has a bunch of made up crap is only creating problems and more problems that need to be explained by acronyms, and that just leads to struggle and pain. Pain that is completely unnecessary. Simplify this situation. Don't complicate it with crap. How to simplify? The BPD's/GIGS other acronyms r things to explain irrational behavior that fits a pattern. It doesn't turn back time...or explain individual situations or what people do when in the grips of these things...but they make much more sense than the alternative...that r/s's mean absolutely ****. People can bleed u of everything u have..screen u..test u in ways that r protective to them...which they should...but then can simply wake up one day and destroy you because x, y, z, or how they handled situation x, y, z. I have to have some logic in my world. These r huge investments...women have the right to do things..ask things to feel secure/safe. I expect not to be completely embarrassed w/o cause. N yeah...I could make it very simple...she wanted all the things she lied about not wanting..but not with me anymore. That's as simple as it gets...but why the torture...and this was an evolution. We were back together till they went to some concert the last week with all her/his friends met out there. I'm always catching up to someone elses game/rules. I'm just tired of it. I stay prepared..open..and get respect for it..but when it gets hard..I look like such a dreamer/scam artist..r that's what they tell themselves to stifle my progress. They've worked so hard to get into my sphere..moved by my gravity...n I did so to make it worth it to them... Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
GreenPolicy Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) BPD isn't "BS." It's true that a lot of people are quick to throw that label on their exes to avoid the ego hit of having to face the reality that their exes don't want to be with them anymore...and none of us are qualified to diagnose our exes as having BPD unless we're trained mental health professionals. But it IS a real thing. It's in the DSM, that's good enough for me: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml It's probably a good thing though as WTRanger says to not focus on your ex and their issues. Now is the time to take a good long look at yourself and see what you did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. You're responsible for 100 percent of your 50 percent of the relationship. Take your relationship as a learning experience. It may very well be the case that your ex had "issues." If that's the case, take note of what red flags you overlooked to be with them. Take stock of what you did wrong and the mistakes you made, because nobody is perfect and it's not 100 percent someone's fault when a relationship ends. Ultimately you have to turn the focus to yourself, what you want to do differently in your next relationship, what you want differently from your next partner, etc. Edited May 31, 2011 by GreenPolicy
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 BPD isn't "BS." It's true that a lot of people are quick to throw that label on their exes to avoid the ego hit of having to face the reality that their exes don't want to be with them anymore...and none of us are qualified to diagnose our exes as having BPD unless we're trained mental health professionals. But it IS a real thing. It's in the DSM, that's good enough for me: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml It's probably a good thing though as WTRanger says to not focus on your ex and their issues. Now is the time to take a good long look at yourself and see what you did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. You're responsible for 100 percent of your 50 percent of the relationship. Take your relationship as a learning experience. It may very well be the case that your ex had "issues." If that's the case, take note of what red flags you overlooked to be with them. Take stock of what you did wrong and the mistakes you made, because nobody is perfect and it's not 100 percent someone's fault when a relationship ends. Ultimately you have to turn the focus to yourself, what you want to do differently in your next relationship, what you want differently from your next partner, etc. N yeah...I'm not an excuse maker. I've been dumped b/f..dumped..but never needed to research anything b/fhand..promise to whatever deity. This was just the most extreme, confusing thing I'd ever seen. Again, the nature of the r/s was my first and unorthodox..but it felt better than any other..even w/o that physical balm...u know. She seemed to really be appreciative she sustained my affection/attention w/o that need for sex...as I deferred to her the same compliment..maturity...then it hit a very high level of stress..then went completely downhill as she seemed like she was TOLD what to think/say, instead of being herself. IDK. All of this has been VERY artificial.
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