sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 What if you had a pretty great r/s which was said many times during and then in breakup..but for whatever reason (some say GIGS, I say BPD/touch of GIGS cause of age), I didn't let go. Couldn't really since very stressful external circumstances seemed to facilitate the breakup more than incompatibility of the primaries of the r/s. Still, whatever external sh-- started the GIGS/BPD behaviors...they made the open communication/sworn fidelity mute and it the effects were nothing short of DEVASTATING to the class/dignity/respect of both parties. Still, does time heal all wounds...if the most aggrieved was able to forgive, have perspective and maturity and throughout it all can continue to grow as she is staying still/attempting/whatever the fickle hell it seems to be? I was asked and I put my heart and soul into the r/s to be broken and embarrassed nearly beyond repair...with nothing but the shame of people saying I've wasted everything for one girl keeping me alive if anyone knew the true story...the highs were outstanding...and I have some pretty high standards...but still able to be in awe. The end was just that. She has been in strict NC from the point where she flipped psycho b/f the meet..only being coaxed out twice..but b/c I was attacking the new r/s she had..the one she replaced me with. Will her anger ever end....the delusions? I know people say that the breakup means that a person doesn't love you anymore..but she did it under the heat of a stupid argument in an extreme period...but while she was vulnerable...she opened her mind to not being exclusive=having that mindset anymore....and still loved me through that transition..but still used the other dude...said she loved him later to stick the knife in my heart. There's little indication they have a true r/s. I's an LDR like we had...even if this is inconsequential to my question...more clarification can be found on other threads..mostly the GIGS one. Thanks for any help/advice/demand for clarification as this sh-t is rambling...just an open question.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Yes... Although it will take sometime, your relationship, who and how you were will be what your Ex sees and remembers. I have had friends who had the parents and some even had the cops involved in a messy break up. They have reconnect with their Exes (sometimes years later) and they all laughed and joked about the fights, drama and BS that happened at the end. A few even started dating again and are now married. I have personally experienced this 3 times... from women that I dated in my twenties. They had all the makings of a good Lifetime Movie... fights, drama, BS and in one of the break ups the parents had to get involved. We have reconnected and like my friends... We said we were sorry and had some good laughs about it all. There were no hard feelings or resentments. The one where there parents were involved... We still met up for lunch and email each other from time to time to see what is going on in each others lives. This break up was 17 years ago. Universal Truth: There is no such thing as a "good" break up. Thanks for that...I just wished I'd seen this site first. I didn't really need anything during the r/s...we were so tight, nearly if not psychic in our intuitiveness. Seriously, we would say what the other thought sometimes...it was after a high..n it was something we'd not talked about before. Just don't know how a person can tell you even during the worse you're everything they'd wanted..but still able to be so f--king selfish about their needs. I offered many alternatives to go out of a high note...even just meeting for 15 mins...she let me buy the tickets as a chance to both meet and talk. THere was pressure..but I had too much **** to do last November to put the screws to her and we had a great last cam session on Skype in Oct. It was something had to make her want to win this...even as I said it wasn't a test of wills..just right/wrong...what you've said/actions when tested. She's passed every moral test before breakup. Not that I told her so like a dick...she was just the perfect girl. Anyway..don't hate this is a person that slept/woke to me on cams..beautiful morning face..for about a year. Thanks again...I have some growing to do..but I just can't bear this being some unfillable void of pain/shame in my life. Even if it could be false hope, at least I've found a place to get it for once lol. Others just kept yelling NC..NC..NC....acceptance..w/o caring/knowing sh-t.
sun_moon Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 How long were you two together? Am I the only one having trouble finding out what happened? What I can tell you is that NC seems to work for everyone, no one likes to do it, but in the end they all appreciate the outcome. Its like eating healthy or eating your veggies, you dont want to do it, because it doesnt taste good and there is no instant gratification, but the long term affect, a better healthier body, is a great outcome. Except, for NC, its for a healthier mental state of mind and a healing heart.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=251986&page=15 Sad tale is in the last two pages of Homebrew's GIGS..basically refuting it with BDP lol. His class makes me think both r separate now(ish) lol.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=251986&page=15 Sad tale is in the last two pages of Homebrew's GIGS..basically refuting it with BDP lol. His class makes me think both r separate now(ish) lol. So you dont think she was BPD after all?
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Which I do. Fedor's..(forgot to quote) situation sounds like GIGS as it was a gradual cessation of attraction/dedication to the relationship..but ONLY if the asking for space and that drama/coldness wasnt about a direct other guy OR a guy didn't start her down that road..but just wanting to explore life in general. This drama is about her really scared of pulling the trigger in a GIGS scenario to try to enjoy her college w/o reporting to you/me, lol. If they were...my exe's history alone screams BPD..but I'm hoping she matures like a GIGS, let's put it that way. Most really cold/bad/sudden breakup with a 3rd party is male/female BPD imho. I've never had the reason to try to diagnose a b/u so I have lived through the reengagement from a GIGS breakup..although I don't put them near what my ex was...but he's right about the stabilization of SOME, lol. I only have 3rd party exp with what a BPDer matures into...n w/o help...IT ISNT GOOD. Her traumas/past/parenting/issues b/f during the r/s screams BPD..but she trusts me...I think she will get that looked at as even during the freeze out, she checked out the links I gave her for it..we were far into the weeds by then. I know she doesn't want to end up like her mum..but she showed A LOT of signs of it during the work that lead to the breakup and the fallout..so it could be her safe mode. Damn, life is too f--kin complicated...WE COULD BE TAKING THE WORLD TOGETHER RIGHT NOW. Everything was falling into place..now one distraction after another...I know how each of u here feels. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Which I do. Fedor's..(forgot to quote) situation sounds like GIGS as it was a gradual cessation of attraction/dedication to the relationship..but ONLY if the asking for space and that drama/coldness wasnt about a direct other guy OR a guy didn't start her down that road..but just wanting to explore life in general. This drama is about her really scared of pulling the trigger in a GIGS scenario to try to enjoy her college w/o reporting to you/me, lol. If they were...my exe's history alone screams BPD..but I'm hoping she matures like a GIGS, let's put it that way. Most really cold/bad/sudden breakup with a 3rd party is male/female BPD imho. I've never had the reason to try to diagnose a b/u so I have lived through the reengagement from a GIGS breakup..although I don't put them near what my ex was...but he's right about the stabilization of SOME, lol. I only have 3rd party exp with what a BPDer matures into...n w/o help...IT ISNT GOOD. Her traumas/past/parenting/issues b/f during the r/s screams BPD..but she trusts me...I think she will get that looked at as even during the freeze out, she checked out the links I gave her for it..we were far into the weeds by then. I know she doesn't want to end up like her mum..but she showed A LOT of signs of it during the work that lead to the breakup and the fallout..so it could be her safe mode. Damn, life is too f--kin complicated...WE COULD BE TAKING THE WORLD TOGETHER RIGHT NOW. Everything was falling into place..now one distraction after another...I know how each of u here feels. After reading through your story, it does sound like GIGS. She couldnt live with the pressure of getting drunk and hooking up with other guys? Man, she needs to develop more self control and maturity before you ever think about going back to her. It seemed like she cares about but at the same time she tortured you. Women are confusing
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Lol...mine is the one with at least 9 out of 10 DSM-IV STRONG traits of BPD..but she's very introspective/intelligent...so I believe she can beat it...UNFORTUNATELY...she's very deferential to her friends/authority figures...which is why she's constantly complaining about being undervalued/used...our conflicts came for trying to have a backbone for her...making me look like a heavy..n with family problems here..that was just a bitter person hating a/the woman in my life (mum)...my ex thought that she couldn't have the idealic married life yet with me. I don't know..Homebrew could be right to avoid that hurricane of the breakup..but her actions during the r/s..could've just been depression...but I'm sure she was just a BPD with far more control. This was just her first time out of the house..far away with out her "good girls" chaperoning. She was by herself and fitting in as they do. That's BPD mirroring..letting the environment make u.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Dude... Your chick does not have BPD! She just graduated High School and is 17 years old. She has no clue who she is or what she wants. She was upfront and honest with you and broke up in a very kind and thoughtful way. She got scared and is scared of the unknown... So that is why you are seeing the back and forth thing. What she does know, is wants to go have the "college experience". That is all your situation is... There is nothing wrong with you or her. lol shes about to go on 19 and I was asking if he thought his situation was still BPD! I dont think my ex is BPD! At least I hope not anyway lol
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Dude... Your chick does not have BPD! She just graduated High School and is 17 years old. She has no clue who she is or what she wants. She was upfront and honest with you and broke up in a very kind and thoughtful way. She got scared and is scared of the unknown... So that is why you are seeing the back and forth thing. What she does know, is wants to go have the "college experience". That is all your situation is... There is nothing wrong with you or her. Again all bets r off in Fedor's sit if he finds out that there was a man involved. At any point b/f the space needing. One day/week is pretty f--kin weird, if there's nobody else giving her attention, esp if his girl was like mine and needed him around ALL THE TIME..b/f just cutting him off needing space. Could be he spoiled her n she had nothing to conquer..but if that first req for space was about a man....it's BPD n she just kept him around cause a few nibbles on her hook failed.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 GIGS=young/breaks up respectfully/gradual change BPD=Any age-worse when college age cause hotter n can get more people to rally to her side/confusing/borderline psychotic/arguments-jealousy-projection b/f chaos/another party involved n NO RESPECT FOR PARTNER after a confusion grace period.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Seriously... She met Fedor and started dating him when she 15 years old. She is now 17... Total G.I.G.S. all the way! She is not damaged goods! She is like 99.9% of all other teenagers in the world! This was never going to be a "forever" relationship... She's 19 he says LOL. N you're right it wasn't supposed to be a forever r/s..but it could've been. I don't know HER history, but I know mine. Still, both acted similarly post b/u..even as my ex is only 2 years older lol. But she was horribly bad on herself/me for attention in some points during the r/s and definitely after in thie opposite. I'm just saying...I trust Fedor's girl..slightly. I just want him to verify. It couldn't hurt...but they r so similar but mine needed me then hated me for needing me so much...her whole b/u was about not "needing" me cause it caused her pain when I did such...and she perceived such such...lol. I think Fedor got the same thing. CFM def had a BPD chick.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Guys, shes 18 going on 19. Maybe she's wanting to find herself because she doesnt know what the world has in store. Idk!GIGS? Sure! Another man? Maybe? But I dont think BPD is the problem!(always possible though) Lets keep the discussion to Sinnisters situation.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Guys, shes 18 going on 19. Maybe she's wanting to find herself because she doesnt know what the world has in store. Idk!GIGS? Sure! Another man? Maybe? But I dont think BPD is the problem!(always possible though) Lets keep the discussion to Sinnisters situation. Fair enough..but just quickly...tell me about her r/s with her parents. What is her personality like? Passive/assertive/deferential? And the biggest, was there any sexual traumas in her life. Now, combine these answers with current actions and you have a diff btw GIGS/BPD that is more scientific. Mine has a parent that was checked out of the r/s with mum but still lived there and drinks ALL THE TIME...Mum is a hysteric, with a warm heart only when it didn't/really counted (just like mine).... raped twice (that I know)..bullied alot...is a mix of passive/assertive/def b/c she's intelligent and resourceful but is always distracted over bull****, like image issues. Got depressed n made up facial flaws...measured her head size against starlets...pondered plastic surgery on some dent she claimed was on her butt...that just seemed like a patch of fat..still sexy.. N crazy about trying to win approval from older people, but hated them otherwise.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Funny but lets call a spade a spade and be honest. Dumpees A LOT of times force / cause the dumper to be crazy, psychotic, arguements, jealoust projection, confusing, chaos, etc because they just don't accept the break up and end up torturing the dumper into their crazy state. I don't know about you... but I have dumped some women that I had to almost get a restraining order on because they refused to accept the fact that I was done. They harassed me, involved my friends, my fmaily, constantly were calling / texting, emailing, etc. They showed up at my house, wrote letters, made scenes, showed up at my work, called people they thought I was dating, even got in touch with an ex to compare notes, etc. Look at a lot of the dumpees on LS and what they do... even when there Ex was CRYSTAL CLEAR. I did everything but the last four. But she wasn't clear about it being over..so don't put me in that camp. It was so contrary to who she was as a person..granted, that place, as she said 2 months later may have raised the spectre of living a grand open life on her own terms..but we broke up when she was sick/tired/drinking and mad about slavery and her only out was either on a damned computer or with her friends that were too **** to keep her from another man. Her best friend there even told me that cheating was normal..long as you don't screw the guy and she had on hers before. So? I was in a haze..but I'd never behaved like this on ANY other..I seriously thought they had brainwashed her, she was suffering massive fatigue as she worked long hours but didn't sleep cause she had to club at night....or it was just a complete misunderstanding about a few issues that sprung up there. I wasn't an asshat until she tortured me with the other guy when she'd been so scared that I'd cheat first...n lots of things she used b/f going there/while there stoked that insecurity..lol..but it a more fun way to deflate/dismiss than how it sounds. She was just an innocent...but not completely naive..it's weird how mature she was..which is why I wanted to marry her in the first place. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 What was I thinking... At 19... She should already know and want to be in the "forever" relationship. I mean seriously... Who has ever heard of a 19 year old that wants to date around and party? It must be BPD or better yet... it might even be as bad as a brain tumor... You should call her parents and discuss treatment options with them so she can get "fixed" and not want to party or date other people... Cmon guys! We are not here to berate each other! I dont think anything out of the normal is wrong. She tells me one thing, but she does the opposite. Can we leave at that
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Cmon guys! We are not here to berate each other! I dont think anything out of the normal is wrong. She tells me one thing, but she does the opposite. Can we leave at that I'm not berating...I highly respect the both of you. This is just a debate of GIGS vs BPD. I'm sorry your r/s is a case study..but a lot of people see it after the fact..but if you know what you're dealing with..you save urself a lot of pain. It's not a death sentence or ANYTHING to be ashamed about..but if you don't want it to get really ugly later, it is best to know what you have.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 What was I thinking... At 19... She should already know and want to be in the "forever" relationship. I mean seriously... Who has ever heard of a 19 year old that wants to date around and party? It must be BPD or better yet... it might even be as bad as a brain tumor... You should call her parents and discuss treatment options with them so she can get "fixed" and not want to party or date other people... Intentionally hurting people is out of the norm. Aberrant/maladaptive behavior is out of the norm. BPD isn't a brain tumor..but it can affect the thyroid if left untreated..and cause maladjustive problems. I think they're actually pretty cool after being with one...I just know not to stay to get burnt, unless it's from my ex-soulmate, lol.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Fair enough..but just quickly...tell me about her r/s with her parents. What is her personality like? Passive/assertive/deferential? And the biggest, was there any sexual traumas in her life. Now, combine these answers with current actions and you have a diff btw GIGS/BPD that is more scientific. Mine has a parent that was checked out of the r/s with mum but still lived there and drinks ALL THE TIME...Mum is a hysteric, with a warm heart only when it didn't/really counted (just like mine).... raped twice (that I know)..bullied alot...is a mix of passive/assertive/def b/c she's intelligent and resourceful but is always distracted over bull****, like image issues. Got depressed n made up facial flaws...measured her head size against starlets...pondered plastic surgery on some dent she claimed was on her butt...that just seemed like a patch of fat..still sexy.. N crazy about trying to win approval from older people, but hated them otherwise. Alright. Her and the parents dont really see eye to eye. She has a pretty great family but she is one who has no real motivation. They fight alot about stupid stuff because they feel she underachieved. I agree and I may have pushed her away in away maybe because at some points I felt like her Dad? But anyway, she has a family I kind of wished I had but she wouldnt agree. Her older brother parties all the time and does bad things but she is against those things.
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 And I didnt think you were berating anyone just thought Homebrews comment was a little to sarcastic. lol
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Dude... It happens to the best of us... I said above that I acted like a complete idiot and was put through the ringer in my twenties. I finally learned the following principles: 1. Look at their ACTIONS and not what they SAY. 2. People will treat you the way you let them. 3. I do not have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be / want to be with me... 4. If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them. 5. This isn't complicated... If they want to be with you, they will. 6. I am me. They either liked it or they don't. 7. If someone does not know who they are or want they want... I do not pursue them, date them, want to enter a relationship with them, marry them. 8. I do not pursue EXes who dumped me. 9. If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them. 10. If there is smoke... there is fire. How did you learn this useful philosophy. I practiced it too...it's just whatever this is, knocked me on my ass. I'm thinking it was the BPD..could've been the type of RS, length..investment..environment/influences that started/caused the b/u...actions before/during/after...just a human that lost her humanity/empathy..pretty much turned into the sorriest thing I'd ever known in my life in half a year, from the best, n that's not just my opinion...I'm literally scared to tell people how really low she went after she felt he was secured.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 How did you learn this useful philosophy. I practiced it too...it's just whatever this is, knocked me on my ass. I'm thinking it was the BPD..could've been the type of RS, length..investment..environment/influences that started/caused the b/u...actions before/during/after...just a human that lost her humanity/empathy..pretty much turned into the sorriest thing I'd ever known in my life in half a year, from the best, n that's not just my opinion...I'm literally scared to tell people how really low she went after she felt he was secured. *How did you learn this useful philosophy, meaning it is IMPOSSIBLE to always practice it. I practiced it too..people HATED that it did..but I kept the drama low in my life and personal growth was my aim..
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I agree... My comments were meant to be sarcastic to put things in perspective for the two of you. We have same sense of humor..and I've seen Homebrew's handiwork by now...trust me..I can debate w/o taking things personally..n I really respect people that can too. Thank you lot for that.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Alright. Her and the parents dont really see eye to eye. She has a pretty great family but she is one who has no real motivation. They fight alot about stupid stuff because they feel she underachieved. I agree and I may have pushed her away in away maybe because at some points I felt like her Dad? But anyway, she has a family I kind of wished I had but she wouldnt agree. Her older brother parties all the time and does bad things but she is against those things. Yeah, how many more sibs she has. This sounds like GIGS. She really just wants her freedom n live w/out expectations for awhile. I've probably GIGS on a couple women b/f. But this is not your fault..you're SUPPOSED to motivate in a LTR..you just need someone mature enough to handle it...as long as you keep it respectful. Still, don't call anyone under 23 an underachiever...it's hard to really know what you want to do, unless you have a guaranteed job waiting. We educate people to be jacks/trades instead of telling them where the money is...the letting their dreams guide them. Underachieving is thinking that getting a gas station job for a couple years is the shiznit b/c you can hang out outside n smoke n look cool.
Author sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) What your Ex is doing is all part of the growing up process... She will figure it out and return to her normal self. I don't know about you... but me and most of my friends all had a good 5 year run of being complete wild man in our early twenties. Most if not all are happily married with children and LOVE IT and wouldn't trade it for the world. We turned out okay and more than likely your Ex will too. It's just a phase... Here is what will happen to your Ex: 1. She will grow out of it. (She will get tired of all the BS and Drama that goes with the lifestyle.) 2. She will finally get hurt enough. (Backstabbing Friends, Bad Boys, etc.) 3. She will hit rock bottom. (DUIs, Arrests, pregnant, etc.) Yeah...but I'm like Fedor...at least you all got to experience some glow of that awe in person, play in that innocence you both shared lol...she became so damned selfish. With all the confusion..I was willing to let her go after she met me...disappear respectfully...knowing I'd lost. She even just kept being cold as the time was coming to take that away from me too...if we couldn't make love to end it...if we couldn't just talk it over...and I'd, by mutual approval spent so much money and my first abroad vaca to go finally meet and complete something we'd waited for that long...why the f--k not just do something for someone else. She'd already won..and it's not really GIGS..she left me to BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE..she transferred OUR R/S TO HIM basically. In the process, talked up trying to be a national of that sheety place, lol..feel that much in love with an experience. If it wasn't so callous..I WOULD HAVE LET HER GO. We were so respectful/empathetic to each other during the r/s....why did she let some stupid pressure..just devolve the memory to THAT point. I've heard no explanation for that...she's nuts...and maybe I should't apply that to other sits..but they sound similar when I do...just in different phases. I'm not trying to make the world BPD..but I'm becoming better at spotting em. Edited May 31, 2011 by sinnister
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