How common is it for A to resume after d day?

[Crazy chick1]

Hi all,

 

I had an intense A with a MM, which ended abruptly when his W found out & all hell was let loose. At the time MM chose to work on his M & made it clear we weren't to keep in touch. Only now 11 weeks on he has contacted me & hinted that he is still interested. I'm really shocked as he seemed so determined to make things right with his W. Is this common? And has anyone experience of it happening? It seems really distasteful for him to be acting like this so soon after devastating his W (he's been married 25+ years).

[Rozyo20]

i think he just wants sex from you otherwise he would have left his wife be careful

[Idalis]

Would it be more tasteful if he waited a year??? NO. This guy obviously has issues. And you'd be a 'crazy chick' to resume the A.

[TigerCub]

Hi all,

 

I had an intense A with a MM, which ended abruptly when his W found out & all hell was let loose. At the time MM chose to work on his M & made it clear we weren't to keep in touch. Only now 11 weeks on he has contacted me & hinted that he is still interested. I'm really shocked as he seemed so determined to make things right with his W. Is this common? And has anyone experience of it happening? It seems really distasteful for him to be acting like this so soon after devastating his W (he's been married 25+ years).

 

hehe, I'm sorry but that part is funny - its distasteful to do this to her NOW, but it wasn't when he was cheating on her before?

 

Anywhos...yeah its common to resume an A after Dday - some spouses don't leave the cheaters and don't ask for major changes - so there are no consequences to the cheaters - and so the MP finds the AP again.

 

some OW don't get discouraged by the fact that the MP chose their spouse when push came to shove and are willing to stay on the side - and so allow the MP to come back.

 

I'm not saying this in a judgmental way - just answering your question from what I've read here and what I've seen in real life.

 

so yes, Affairs resume after DDay a lot of the time.

[whichwayisup]

Hi all,

 

I had an intense A with a MM, which ended abruptly when his W found out & all hell was let loose. At the time MM chose to work on his M & made it clear we weren't to keep in touch. Only now 11 weeks on he has contacted me & hinted that he is still interested. I'm really shocked as he seemed so determined to make things right with his W. Is this common? And has anyone experience of it happening? It seems really distasteful for him to be acting like this so soon after devastating his W (he's been married 25+ years).

 

You have a choice to make. HE never is going to willingly leave his wife..Only way he'll leave is when she kicks his ass out and he will be yours by default. So, you can continue on with your A, be the OW, play second fiddle and help him lie/betray/hurt his wife or you can look at this guy and see him for who he is, even though you love him, want him, keep in mind HE IS A LIAR, he's selfish and cruel. He is pretending to fix his marriage, all the meanwhile now looking to continue on with you. IF you choose to be the OW again, accept things and own your part in this.

 

OR, be STRONG and tell him to go F himself, to leave you alone. Then go NC and let yourself grieve and heal so you can one day find a single guy when the timing is right and find love and happiness with someone who won't be a cheater.

 

The choice and the path you take is in your hands.

[Crazy chick1]

Thanks guys. You're all right I know & it is hard because I adore him (which he knows). I was shocked when he came back because he seemed so damned remorseful & determined to fix his M. I never dreamt he would be back saying the things & recreating the closeness we once shared. I guess he's missed the way I treated him & looked up to him & hopes to get some of it back? To be fair he has told me that he will not contact me again but has definitely left the door open for me to contact him, whereas after D day he made it clear that we could not have contact, which I respected. It's just something about the things he said & the tone of voice he used, which were back to how he was before he got caught out.

 

So I could be wrong but my gut reaction is that he wants to be back in touch with me, possibly as friends. Maybe that could be possible?

[Noregret]

Thanks guys. You're all right I know & it is hard because I adore him (which he knows). I was shocked when he came back because he seemed so damned remorseful & determined to fix his M. I never dreamt he would be back saying the things & recreating the closeness we once shared. I guess he's missed the way I treated him & looked up to him & hopes to get some of it back? To be fair he has told me that he will not contact me again but has definitely left the door open for me to contact him, whereas after D day he made it clear that we could not have contact, which I respected. It's just something about the things he said & the tone of voice he used, which were back to how he was before he got caught out.

 

So I could be wrong but my gut reaction is that he wants to be back in touch with me, possibly as friends. Maybe that could be possible?

 

Nope this is all about SEX SEX and SEX!!! Remember, if he left you once, he will leave you again if you let him walk over you!!! Be the bigger person, stick to what he started, and that is -- NO CONTACT!

 

If you go back, you are showing that you are weak! If you love someone and vice versa, you should be able to accept them openly. And you should not be told what to do and how not to behave... this is just my point of view. I recently went through something similar. My MM was hinting going back to our haunts, but I stayed firm. This helps you develop respect for YOURSELF and YOUR BODY!

[TigerCub]

Thanks guys. You're all right I know & it is hard because I adore him (which he knows). I was shocked when he came back because he seemed so damned remorseful & determined to fix his M.

The thing is, he felt the panic when it first happened, he probably feared that his W would leave, and he really wanted to be good.

The problem is - we always forget the exact feeling we had at one point in time.

You are forgetting the exact pain and the exact feeling you had when he chose her and not you, when he told you he wouldn't be contacting you again.

 

We're human, and part of that is that sometimes no matter how serious something is, or how painful, we tend to forget that exact feeling and we repeat our mistakes because time passed and the same problems we had before are still there - nothing has really changed.

 

I never dreamt he would be back saying the things & recreating the closeness we once shared. I guess he's missed the way I treated him & looked up to him & hopes to get some of it back? To be fair he has told me that he will not contact me again but has definitely left the door open for me to contact him, whereas after D day he made it clear that we could not have contact, which I respected. It's just something about the things he said & the tone of voice he used, which were back to how he was before he got caught out.

He knows how to play you.

By that I mean he knows how to tug on your heart strings. He knows how much you care about him and all the right things to say.

 

I hope that you wont let him play you and be in a position where he can hurt you again. This man doesn't deserve your heart.

He's not putting you first and he's lying to both you and his wife (I"m sure he saw the amount of pain he caused her with the Dday) and yet he's more than willing to resume things with you.

 

That shows what a selfish heartless person he is. I hope you will spare yourself the pain.

 

So I could be wrong but my gut reaction is that he wants to be back in touch with me, possibly as friends. Maybe that could be possible?

I tried to be friends with xMM, but honestly, it can't really be done - because it all started with friendship with a weird EA that I didn't even realize at the time, so being friends just keeps the door open for more to happen again.

 

Furthermore, this guy is using you - what kind of a friend is that?

 

I just saw this new thread posted

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280324/

give it a read, it speaks so much truth. I hope it will give you some perspective.

[Lucky_One]

If he wanted to be friends with you, then he and his wife would invite you over to cook out on the deck.

 

The heat has cooled at home, and he is missing the excitement that the EMA brought to his life.

[Crazy chick1]

The thing is, he felt the panic when it first happened, he probably feared that his W would leave, and he really wanted to be good.

The problem is - we always forget the exact feeling we had at one point in time.

You are forgetting the exact pain and the exact feeling you had when he chose her and not you, when he told you he wouldn't be contacting you again.

 

We're human, and part of that is that sometimes no matter how serious something is, or how painful, we tend to forget that exact feeling and we repeat our mistakes because time passed and the same problems we had before are still there - nothing has really changed.

 

 

He knows how to play you.

By that I mean he knows how to tug on your heart strings. He knows how much you care about him and all the right things to say.

 

I hope that you wont let him play you and be in a position where he can hurt you again. This man doesn't deserve your heart.

He's not putting you first and he's lying to both you and his wife (I"m sure he saw the amount of pain he caused her with the Dday) and yet he's more than willing to resume things with you.

 

That shows what a selfish heartless person he is. I hope you will spare yourself the pain.

 

 

I tried to be friends with xMM, but honestly, it can't really be done - because it all started with friendship with a weird EA that I didn't even realize at the time, so being friends just keeps the door open for more to happen again.

 

Furthermore, this guy is using you - what kind of a friend is that?

 

I just saw this new thread posted

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280324/

give it a read, it speaks so much truth. I hope it will give you some perspective.

 

This post is fantastic & very insightful. D day was horrendous for me & I know it was dreadful for them too. But one thing he said to me when we spoke was that I should do as he does & remember all the good times we shared & forget the bad things that happened. There is no way this would have been possible until recently because the pain was all consuming. I get the impression that things have steadied a little for him now & one of the main things he needed from me in the A was emotional support. Maybe he needs that more than ever now, I guess that makes sense?

 

I really appreciate your responses because being emotionally embroiled in it, I don't want to misinterpret the situation, though I don't think I am. It saddens me though because silly as it sounds, I actually respected him for seeming so determined to resolve his M & it shows how incredibly selfish & uncaring he is IF he really is trying to ease me back into his life.

[Crazy chick1]

If he wanted to be friends with you, then he and his wife would invite you over to cook out on the deck.

 

The heat has cooled at home, and he is missing the excitement that the EMA brought to his life.

 

Lol! There is zero chance of his W being friends with me! He has told me that she hates me & does not want him to speak to me ever again, which is presumably why he has told me he won't contact me again as he is then playing ball. That implies he is doing the right thing. It's just that he mentioned a few scenarios where I could contact him (& he had no need to do this & he certainly wouldn't have suggested them a couple of months ago), which along with telling me how he misses me & thinks of me all the time amongst other things sorta convince me that he would be interested in re-establishing something. I could be reading too much between the lines though as he certainly didn't blatantly say he wanted to rekindle the A so maybe I'm wrong?

[TigerCub]

This post is fantastic & very insightful. D day was horrendous for me & I know it was dreadful for them too. But one thing he said to me when we spoke was that I should do as he does & remember all the good times we shared & forget the bad things that happened.

oh CC, he used that exact same line with his wife when she found out and was all upset and probably considered leaving him.

Apparently it worked on her, now he's trying to test it out on you.

Don't fall for it.

Yeah its nice to remember the nice things - would you ever suggest it to a woman with an abusive husband, would you ever say "oh, hang in there, just remember the times he gets you flowers after he beats you - don't focus on the beating" - NO, you wouldn't say that, no sane person would say that, so why is emotional abuse and emotional manipulation any better than physical abuse?

The answer here is - its not!

 

There is no way this would have been possible until recently because the pain was all consuming. I get the impression that things have steadied a little for him now & one of the main things he needed from me in the A was emotional support. Maybe he needs that more than ever now, I guess that makes sense?

I totally get where you're coming from, believe me, I do - I've been there.

But the thing I learned is that its not my place to fix his life for him - and the same goes for your MM.

If he really is that miserable and his wife is just not meeting his needs- he would be long gone and he would have used the dDay to get out - but he didn't.

 

sure you're filling a void for him and making his life easier, but it all comes at a cost to YOU. Not him, to YOU.

Why should you be paying that cost, and wasting years of your life because he's not happy with his choices?

He made his bed, he can be miserable in it - Don't make it your problem.

 

 

I really appreciate your responses because being emotionally embroiled in it, I don't want to misinterpret the situation, though I don't think I am. It saddens me though because silly as it sounds, I actually respected him for seeming so determined to resolve his M & it shows how incredibly selfish & uncaring he is IF he really is trying to ease me back into his life.

Sure I don't know him, but I'm willing to bet $ that this is exactly his intention.

 

I'm really sorry CC, but do yourself a favor and be the one to block him and be the one to walk away before he takes so much more from you.

[TurboGirl]

Thanks guys. You're all right I know & it is hard because I adore him (which he knows). I was shocked when he came back because he seemed so damned remorseful & determined to fix his M. I never dreamt he would be back saying the things & recreating the closeness we once shared. I guess he's missed the way I treated him & looked up to him & hopes to get some of it back? To be fair he has told me that he will not contact me again but has definitely left the door open for me to contact him, whereas after D day he made it clear that we could not have contact, which I respected. It's just something about the things he said & the tone of voice he used, which were back to how he was before he got caught out.

 

So I could be wrong but my gut reaction is that he wants to be back in touch with me, possibly as friends. Maybe that could be possible?

 

 

I doubt very much that he wants to be "friends" with you. Perhaps friends with benefits! If you allow him back now, you are signaling that you will accept whatever crumbs he is willing to throw to you... kinda demeaning to your self esteem. Of course he wants to you back! OF COURSE!!! He misses the companionship and the great sex, and the thrill of having sexy sweet wonderful all adoring you in his life. He went back to the wife, apparently half heartedly... now he's smoothed things over and feels safe enough venturing out again. He put out the fire at home, calmed her down and now he's ready to resume.

 

Please don't go there... I went through that with my xMM and honestly our A was never the same. We didn't go here & there and do things which we had previously done b/c he was afraid he would be seen. Please preserve your self respect & self esteem and don't allow him back. He may say he wants to be "friends" but that is just to get back in.

[Lucky_One]

Lol! There is zero chance of his W being friends with me! He has told me that she hates me & does not want him to speak to me ever again, which is presumably why he has told me he won't contact me again as he is then playing ball.

 

Which is exactly why NO, he is NOT wanting to be friends. He might phrase it as such, you might tell yourself that you are "just friends" if you two keep in contact, but no - you aren't going to be friends for a long, long time - if ever.

 

He is testing the waters to see if you are over your anger and pain and subsequently would welcome him back into your bed, and he gave you ways to contact him so that he can truthfully say to his wife that you are the one who did the chasing this time.

[Crazy chick1]

It's just so hard because much as I hated not having the contact with him, at least the pain was easing albeit very slowly. I feel a lot of pain again now, it was so hard hearing his voice again. I haven't decided whether or not to follow through & contact him again in the future, but I know that the main thing putting me off is the embarrassment if I've misinterpreted the situation, especially as he mentioned that he still loves his W too much to leave her. He also explained why he'd made the decision to stay, which I totally understand & told me that if he had have been single he would definitely be in a R with me. I should probably point out that I am 14 years younger than him & I think he is flattered by my love for him.

[whichwayisup]

Lol! There is zero chance of his W being friends with me! He has told me that she hates me & does not want him to speak to me ever again, which is presumably why he has told me he won't contact me again as he is then playing ball. That implies he is doing the right thing. It's just that he mentioned a few scenarios where I could contact him (& he had no need to do this & he certainly wouldn't have suggested them a couple of months ago), which along with telling me how he misses me & thinks of me all the time amongst other things sorta convince me that he would be interested in re-establishing something. I could be reading too much between the lines though as he certainly didn't blatantly say he wanted to rekindle the A so maybe I'm wrong?

 

He is fishing and HE IS seeing if you will take him back without actually saying the words.

 

So what if you miss him. So what if he misses you. The guy isn't leaving his marriage!!!! He wants an affair.

So, unless you want to go back being the OW and have another Dday, with lots of pain and heartache, face his wife, and help him cause even MORE pain, go ahead and see him, get the A going again. You will wish you left it alone and regret helping yourself to him.. You'll end up worse off than you were before and suffer MORE pain and guilt, even possible his wife will contact you and contact your family, your work, friends to "out" you that you slept with her husband and kept the A going.

 

BE STRONG and say no! Respect yourself and don't settle to be second fiddle.

 

And, no friendship can happen. If you believe that you two can be 'just friends' you're fooling yourself.

[whichwayisup]

It's just so hard because much as I hated not having the contact with him, at least the pain was easing albeit very slowly. I feel a lot of pain again now, it was so hard hearing his voice again. I haven't decided whether or not to follow through & contact him again in the future, but I know that the main thing putting me off is the embarrassment if I've misinterpreted the situation, especially as he mentioned that he still loves his W too much to leave her. He also explained why he'd made the decision to stay, which I totally understand & told me that if he had have been single he would definitely be in a R with me. I should probably point out that I am 14 years younger than him & I think he is flattered by my love for him.

 

Do not mistake what he is looking for. Either he is fishing to make sure you're still into him or he's looking for an EA/A again.

If you want to open that can of worms, feel that pain again, go..Call him and see how it goes. Or, you can just ignore him and NOT see him, tell him to F off and focus on his marriage and leave you alone. TELL him to respect YOUR wishes and stay in NC mode.

[myname]

An affair can resume after numerous d-days, if you let it, which I did many times and it just got worse and worse, well maybe not always worse but never any better.

 

After another d-day that I thought was the d-day to end them all 3 weeks ago, xMM is back trying to resume things with me again.

 

I'm glad to read this post cos it reminds me why I don't want to go back into it ever again, while he is doing his best charm offensive.

 

No more d-days, I'm waiting for v-day, that'll be the day I'm over him completely.

[Crazy chick1]

I've just discussed the situation with a friend & she doesn't seem to think he's trying to re-establish anything, so it could be that I'm reading too much into things & he was just being friendly?

[BB07]

I've just discussed the situation with a friend & she doesn't seem to think he's trying to re-establish anything, so it could be that I'm reading too much into things & he was just being friendly?

 

 

Seriously.......you've been given the scoop and you are still asking that.:confused: Your friend doesn't have the benefit of the hard won knowledge here.

Haven't you read up on the commonalities on affairs? Haven't you listened to people that have told you he is fishing to see if you will start up with him again?

 

You can't fool us......but more importantly you shouldn't fool yourself.

[FightClub]

Crazychick1,

 

I was going through something very similar to what you are going through in terms of the xAP coming back to write or contact you.

 

I consulted with close friends, kept it in my mind for a few days and eventually came to the conclusion my exMW is more than anything trying

to re-establish contact by breaking NC.

 

As everyone else who has been is pointing out, it's very likely your exMM's situation at home has cooled down, he's bored and misses the attention and EA/PA that you brought for his selfish reasons.

 

Let this one go, stick to your decisions and let him sort his life out without you...it's the most caring thing you could do for him.

 

You've walked away, now keep walking...and let the future surprise you.

 

-FC

[OpenBook]

Hi Crazychick,

 

I agree with the others' advice here - your best bet is to walk away from him - NO MORE CONTACT, period. Whether you actually inform him of this or not, is up to you (I don't have a strong opinion on that, either way) - the important thing is to ACTUALLY WALK AWAY from the whole thing.

 

If you & he are meant to be, then it will happen down the road. Right now, he is still married and doesn't appear to be taking steps to end his M. That's his business to be responsible for & take care of - not yours. You don't want to have ANYTHING to do with THAT hot mess!!!

 

Also keep in mind - he is AT LEAST as (if not more) confused than you are, about everything!! He doesn't know his @ss from his elbow right now. He is certainly in no position to love you in the way you deserve.

 

No, the best thing for everybody (especially yourself) is for you to get up and walk away. Right now. It takes enormous strength and intestinal fortitude, but I know you can do it. It's the only way to "right the ship" and reclaim your life, yourself, and the Goddess within you - all necessary to have that happy life you want in the future, regardless of what happens with him. Good luck, and I will be cheering you on! :bunny:

[bigmomma1974]

you had an affair with a married man, his wife found out and he cut you loose. Now 11 weeks later things are calm at home and he contacts you. you are the other woman he chose his wife over you that should tell you something right there. I would call his wife and tell her but that is just me. He thinks he can play you like a puppet and you will let him, be strong tell him to get lost and move on. Do you really want to play second best and be the otehr woman? i would think that would make a person so sad and sdepressed. I dont know but the ball is in your court and I would cut all ties with him

[Crazy chick1]

This has affected me much more than I thought it would & I'm finding it hard to think of anything else. I will definitely allow myself a couple of weeks to decide what to do. I would be absolutely amazed if he ever wanted to resume the A as surely he wouldn't dare take the risk again. I also found it difficult being in the A & felt so jealous of his M but I do miss him so much & believe I could handle just being in touch with him again.

[whichwayisup]

This has affected me much more than I thought it would & I'm finding it hard to think of anything else. I will definitely allow myself a couple of weeks to decide what to do. I would be absolutely amazed if he ever wanted to resume the A as surely he wouldn't dare take the risk again. I also found it difficult being in the A & felt so jealous of his M but I do miss him so much & believe I could handle just being in touch with him again.

 

Less focus of the why's and how's of your exMM and put more focus on yourself. Why you were even CONSIDER being friends with him again. All that will do is keep your feelings alive for him and prevent you from getting to know, getting to like any other (single) guy in the future.

 

Sadly I think you're going to go down that road, try friendship and see that it just won't work..For so many reasons besides the obvious. Then you'll be back and wanting support on how to stay in NC mode and how to deal with MORE pain that you'll be self inflicting on yourself.