Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 You cannot expect to betray your husband with infidelity and not endure his anger. Enduring his anger is a consequence of your actions. Now he should not "abuse" you verbally or physically, but he should be allowed to express his anger about it. All you can do is ride the rollercoaster that you both are on. He is responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage..but you are 100% responsible for your approximately 32 acts of infidelity with the OM. That is what your BH is living with. Mind movies of the two of you together. You would be no different if the tables were reversed. You would have movies too. You need to apologize to him unprovoked. You need to reassure him by being open and honest. You must also get counseling to get to the bottom of why you would think because you and your BH has disagreements, it's ok to go sleep with someone else. Someone who used you as you also used him for "revenge" against your BH. Your BH is wrestling with staying with you because his ego is saying leave. "She cheated on you two times a week for 4 months" while the other side is saying stay because you love her. Can you not see how difficult it is for him? You gave yourself to another man, how would you feel if he did the same thing to you for 4 months? It would hurt you too. You would want him to be remorseful, you would want him to do all he could to make you feel safe despite your anger. You owe him that. Harsh words here but I generally get what you're saying and quite frankly you're right. I do owe him a lot. I honestly don't know what I would do if he had an affair himself. I hope in the future it doesn't come to that.
Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 IF you are remorseful - then act as if you are. your behavior will tell him everything he needs to know... either you are acting as a loving wife or you are acting as the *itch he described to you. which is it? how are you behaving now? words mean nothing if the action doesn't align with the words. if you can make life look completely different than it has been - you stand a chance at REPAIRING the damage you have caused... can you do that? what exactly do YOU plan for that to look like? how will you carry that out? he may be frustrated if you haven't changed enough to never cheat again. what changes have you implemented? are you still in touch with your OM? the fact that you stated that you felt entitled to cheat is very concerning. have you done counseling to find out the root of why you would hurt someone you love that way? no one should feel "entitled" - IF you considered it- you should have divorced before taking action. you have caused harm, what are you going to do to repair the harm you caused? I make sure that he knows where I am when I'm out and my cell phone, email and FB accounts are available to him. I even offered to put a tracker in my truck but he didn't want to. Sometimes I'll ask him does he want to talk about it and he'll just simply say no. I always tell him I'm there if he wants to talk. And no I'm not in touch with my affair partner. We used to live near him and his wife's house but we moved far away from them, after husband confronted him. The counselor I had told me my behavior may have stemmed from my rough childhood but nonetheless stated my cheating shows highly narcissistic behavior. I am going to do everything I can to save this.
Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Who are the bitter posters OP? Even JMK's points are valid, no matter how harsh he may be. Divorce is a very real possibility at this point. Face it, you had an affair and got caught red-handed. Now accept the consequences like an adult. What did you think would happen? If you are really sorry, then you may wish to read up on anne's history and advice, since she has quite a bit of experience in this area. Might help you understand your situation better. Just accept the possibility that your husband might leave you, no matter how hard you try to get him to forgive, or how much you want him to stay. His choice, not your one. That's life. I understand.
Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 having sex with your MM in YOUR OWN HOME is an angry act in itself. most spouses would have an EXTREMELY difficult time getting passed that form of betrayal. for him to have suspected - and gone to the effort of setting up a camera - you must have been putting off some serious cheating signals... and i'd bet money he asked for your truth and you lied about it to his face, yes? why would you do that to him? i'm interested in hearing that part. Yes he did ask me was there something I wanted to tell him and I lied to him. Thought it was of no concern to him. Honestly I did it because I was resentful over everything. I was upset with how stale my marriage was, along with dealing with our son and a few other issues. My affair partner was filling up my head and I soaked it up. Thought he was actually trying to help me and then that's how our affair started.
Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I agree. Maybe she wanted him to know, since she felt "entitled". Not true. I actually thought I was doing my best to hide it from him. I got too full of myself and underestimated my husband.
Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 As a BS myself I can emphaise with you H. You need to let him rage, let him cry, let him get out all his feelings, and you need to take it on the chin, don't make excuses or try to explain, unless he asks you to, own what you did don't excuse it or explain it away. The marriage may have been broken before the affair, but you literally sh*tted on it. Your actions have hurt him more deeply than you could ever know, and I would never wish that pain on anyone. You need to show you are sorry by letting him rage, cry without excuse, appologise when appropriate, not when he is raging, that just seems forced and not genuine. Make a change in your behavior, full disclosure of your activites phone calls etc, even if it means telling him you have had contact no matter how insignificant with OM I.e. Saw him at the shops even if you didn't speak. Show him you want to make it work. If he wants the same thing he will come around when HE is ready. You need to work to his timetable not one of your own, it could take months or even years for him to fully get over this betrayal. If you can't handle it, end it. It does neither of you any good to stay if you can't handle the consequences of what you did. I sincerely hope that the two of you are not letting your issues affect your young son. He may still be an infant but he will be able to pick up on your moods, and these are important years for him developmentally. Sometimes having a home with both mum and dad is not the best thing for a young child. I would suggest if possible the two of you have some time apart, even if it is jet a few nights, it will give both of you time to think about what you want without the other person there clouding your thinking. I know a lot of what I said has been said by other posters, but it seems to me it is good advise, at least from the perspective of the BS it does. I am just telling you to do the things I need my WH to do for me. Every marriage is different so there is no 1 sure fire cure for this issue. But letting him express himself is something you need to do, no matter how long it takes. If you want to help him sort his feelings and he won't seek counseling suggest he writes all his feelings, fears, angry thoughts etc down at the time he is feeling. Either in a book, or using a notes app on his phone. I have been doing this and it has helped to some degree. I still feel shattered, but getting those feelings out when I feel them, even though it is just on paper, stops me stewing on them all day till I see the WH, i am sure it has prevented several fights that were not necessary. If he chose to do this, it may even be helpful for him to let you read it, so you have an understanding of what he is feeling, but that is something he would have to decide to do, as they are his innermost thoughts, he may not want to share them all with you. I showed my WH a portion and he said it broke his heart to know that was what I was feeling. I couldn't show him the whole thing, the hurt is still to fresh to bear my soul to him at the moment. But it might be worth suggesting this to you H. I sincerely hope you and your H can sort this out, but unfortunately it will be his decision to continue, not yours, you just have to be patient and supportive while he try's to sort out all the hurt he is feeling, he needs time to break through the pain before he can start to heal, and workon the marriage, if that is something he wants to do. You can't make him stay, not matter how much you love him. Making him stay when he doesn't want to isn't good for either of you,or your child. I wish you all the best. Wrongedwife thank you for posting. I know I must let my husband vent his anger and I must take it. This is something he needs to do for him and I see that.
wrongedwife Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Just be there for him as best you can, and show him through not only your words but also your actions that you are willing to change and make it work, he will eventually know what he wants, and hopefully that is you and your family.
dale_gribble Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 The intense sex is called "hysterical bonding," I refuse to engage in it. My tries to initiate intimacy but I rebuff her every time. It grosses me out to even touch her right now. You REALLY ****ed up. She actually tried to get in the shower with me once, and I totally lost it- told her to never do that again- "get the **** out of here NOW!"
John Michael Kane Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 The intense sex is called "hysterical bonding," I refuse to engage in it. My tries to initiate intimacy but I rebuff her every time. It grosses me out to even touch her right now. You REALLY ****ed up. She actually tried to get in the shower with me once, and I totally lost it- told her to never do that again- "get the **** out of here NOW!" I feel you brother. My ex wife did the same things your wife did. It was disgusting to even look at her let alone touch her. No more sloppy seconds.
Author Neutral Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 He's been very quiet this evening and it kind of creeped me out because he was staring at me for a long time without moving while I was watching TV. I could've sworn he didn't blink. Only time he said something was when he was playing with our son. Hopefully we can talk tomorrow.
What_Next Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Hell I don't much blame him. Try and stop thinking of yourself for once, and think of what he is going through. Why not just try to support him, god knows why he wanted to stay with you in the first place, a recording of it, my god.
dale_gribble Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Jesus... you even had scheduled meetings with HIM. How DIABOLICAL. I know my wife probably did the same. "The counselor I had told me my behavior may have stemmed from my rough childhood." Here we go again. I had a ****ed up childhood too, but didn't go off screwing every women that threw hherself at me.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Anne to be honest I feel bad right now because husband has a lot of hurt now. I want to keep my marriage intact. It's what I'm very sure about. I'll scream it to the world if I have to. Why keep it? The only part of your marriage that truly sucks is you. Give him custody of the child and go away. Based on what you have written here and your overall attitude... I don't believe you are in any way a fit parent. Wow a lot of bitter posters here. Jeez all I asked was how can I help my husband. I mean I know to do some of the obvious things but I was looking for specifics, not personal attacks. Anyway Anne thanks for the advice. I know I must want this along with husband, but I know I must obey his wishes on what road he decides to take. You can help your husband by getting divorced. Let him move on. He's been very quiet this evening and it kind of creeped me out because he was staring at me for a long time without moving while I was watching TV. I could've sworn he didn't blink. Only time he said something was when he was playing with our son. Hopefully we can talk tomorrow. The only reason you try to keep your marriage is to torture him. You are like the gum I step on while walking down the street... disgusting, nasty, used up by someone else, and won't go away.
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