Neutral Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Well to start off I'm 28 and my husband is 27 years old. Been married for 5 years. Everything was pretty good. Both of us working decent jobs. We didn't start to have problems until I got pregnant in our 3rd year of marriage. I was having a lot of stress carrying our son along with my many mood swings, etc. I took it out on him and that led to many arguments between us. A few months after I gave birth to our son he started cutting himself off from me, emotionally. Asked him why and he told me it was because of the way I treated him when I was pregnant. I didn't do nothing to solve the issue. We both grew resentful of each other and then I had used that to have an affair with a former mutual married friend of ours for 4 months last year. I summed it up in my mind that my marriage was dead and that I deserved it. I felt entitled to it and my affair partner kept blowing up my head. Husband caught us having sex in our basement. He had a camera and recorded us. Confronted me with the recording and I confessed everything. We went to counseling and I tried my best to be remorseful as I could for cheating on him and treating him like **** in our marriage. He was angry sometimes during our recovery, but for the most part he bottled it up. He assured me constantly that he was okay with where we were and I thought we were doing fine for the past couple months until yesterday when we were laid up in bed. He just up and told me he was tired. He yelled at me for a long time about how I am a bitch and how he's frustrated because he sees a lot of happy couples and thinks he's settling for less. I asked him if we have a divorce would that make him happy and he said he's thinking about it. Last night after I came home we had intense sex. Now today he's still mad at me. It's like a whole set of different waves coming at me from all different angles. I just want to know what can I do for him. I love him and don't want to lose him. Sorry for the long post.
anne1707 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I tried my best to be remorseful as I could for cheating on him and treating him like **** in our marriage. This stood out to me. Either you are remorseful or you are not. Trying is not good enough. How do you really feel?
StoneCold Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 There really isnt anything that you can do. How he handles this as far as he is concerned is up to him (no matter how "right" or "wrong" it may be). One thing he needs to do is come to a solid conclusion whether he wants to stay or go because it doesnt seem very clear.
Bryanp Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I really do not have much advise except to say that most men who could actually see their wife having sex with a mutual friend after giving birth after 4 months would be very long gone. This double betrayal and viewing it would be simply too much. If the roles were reversed how do you think you would be feeling? Hopefully you both have been tested for STD's.
StoneCold Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 This stood out to me. Either you are remorseful or you are not. Trying is not good enough. How do you really feel? That too......say/show how you feel...if you're not remorseful then you're not remorseful; if you are then you are. it is how it is and it will probably help you evaluate your situation and come to the best possible conclusion.
jnj express Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Hey neutral---it takes 2 to 5 yrs---to even have a half--way decent/calm mge.--- There actually may be misery for both of you, from now on----WHY do you now all of a sudden LOVE your H---when prior to/during the A.---you sure as HE8L did not---why now---Could it be cuz you are scared shi*less of being put out into the big world, as a single divorced mother with a child, who cheated on her H---that tag won't get you much in the way of a decent guy Your also looking at doing everything for yourself----that which you used to do as a couple---bad as it might have been You either suck it up, or you can go out on your own---by the way if you go out on your own---take the want ads with you!!!!!
Author Neutral Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Anne to be honest I feel bad right now because husband has a lot of hurt now. I want to keep my marriage intact. It's what I'm very sure about. I'll scream it to the world if I have to.
anne1707 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 For your marriage to work, you both have to want this more than anything. Your H is understandably in tremendous pain and is dealing with a whole range of emotions including anger. He also does have the additional trauma of catching you together. To be honest, I am amazed that he is still with you after that (and I am a former WS). It is a very tough thing for him to do if he chooses to stay with you. You need to recognise his pain and allow him the space and time to deal with this. I think you both need to attend IC and MC to see if you can find your way through to the other side. It may not work but the counselling will help deal with the fall out in a way that might help you both to move on to healthier relationships in the future. Your marriage, if it works, will never be the same again. But that is the whole point. It needs to be different from how it was before your affair for it to stand a chance of being successful. The work you will need to put in to this is huge and it will take years (my H and I are 3 years post Dday now). You need to be strong for both of you and prove to your H that you are truly remorseful and that you want him more than anything else. Do not take him for granted, do not push him into making decisions, be completely honest and open with him. He needs to see you mean this if he is to ever decide to fully commit to trying to make this work.
John Michael Kane Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Anne to be honest I feel bad right now because husband has a lot of hurt now. I want to keep my marriage intact. It's what I'm very sure about. I'll scream it to the world if I have to. No you don't and there's no need to lie to us and yourself. If you honestly valued your marriage this wouldn't be going on right now. You just don't want him to tear down your sand castle. You like the security and life you have now. It makes you feel safe like every other woman who cheats and then tries to be quiet, hoping their man won't get so angry and disrupt their little world.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Here's a charming little metaphor for you... Your husband is walking along a path, you run up, knee him in the groin, and sh*t all over him. You can support him by offering him some soap and a cleaning cloth, but at the end of the day, he has to be the one that cleans himself up. If you don't get it, I'm basically saying that it is up to him to decide if he wants to forgive and stay with you or not. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you, not a lot people like being covered in sh*t.
John Michael Kane Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Here's a charming little metaphor for you... Your husband is walking along a path, you run up, knee him in the groin, and sh*t all over him. You can support him by offering him some soap and a cleaning cloth, but at the end of the day, he has to be the one that cleans himself up. If you don't get it, I'm basically saying that it is up to him to decide if he wants to forgive and stay with you or not. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you, not a lot people like being covered in sh*t. Love the boo-boo analogy.
Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Wow a lot of bitter posters here. Jeez all I asked was how can I help my husband. I mean I know to do some of the obvious things but I was looking for specifics, not personal attacks. Anyway Anne thanks for the advice. I know I must want this along with husband, but I know I must obey his wishes on what road he decides to take.
Author Neutral Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Kriss I have never cheated on my husband before we started having issues. My affair was 4 months long and me and my affair partner saw each other twice a week.
SoulStorm Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 You cannot expect to betray your husband with infidelity and not endure his anger. Enduring his anger is a consequence of your actions. Now he should not "abuse" you verbally or physically, but he should be allowed to express his anger about it. All you can do is ride the rollercoaster that you both are on. He is responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage..but you are 100% responsible for your approximately 32 acts of infidelity with the OM. That is what your BH is living with. Mind movies of the two of you together. You would be no different if the tables were reversed. You would have movies too. You need to apologize to him unprovoked. You need to reassure him by being open and honest. You must also get counseling to get to the bottom of why you would think because you and your BH has disagreements, it's ok to go sleep with someone else. Someone who used you as you also used him for "revenge" against your BH. Your BH is wrestling with staying with you because his ego is saying leave. "She cheated on you two times a week for 4 months" while the other side is saying stay because you love her. Can you not see how difficult it is for him? You gave yourself to another man, how would you feel if he did the same thing to you for 4 months? It would hurt you too. You would want him to be remorseful, you would want him to do all he could to make you feel safe despite your anger. You owe him that.
2sunny Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 IF you are remorseful - then act as if you are. your behavior will tell him everything he needs to know... either you are acting as a loving wife or you are acting as the *itch he described to you. which is it? how are you behaving now? words mean nothing if the action doesn't align with the words. if you can make life look completely different than it has been - you stand a chance at REPAIRING the damage you have caused... can you do that? what exactly do YOU plan for that to look like? how will you carry that out? he may be frustrated if you haven't changed enough to never cheat again. what changes have you implemented? are you still in touch with your OM? the fact that you stated that you felt entitled to cheat is very concerning. have you done counseling to find out the root of why you would hurt someone you love that way? no one should feel "entitled" - IF you considered it- you should have divorced before taking action. you have caused harm, what are you going to do to repair the harm you caused?
OldOnTheInside Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Who are the bitter posters OP? Even JMK's points are valid, no matter how harsh he may be. Divorce is a very real possibility at this point. Face it, you had an affair and got caught red-handed. Now accept the consequences like an adult. What did you think would happen? If you are really sorry, then you may wish to read up on anne's history and advice, since she has quite a bit of experience in this area. Might help you understand your situation better. Just accept the possibility that your husband might leave you, no matter how hard you try to get him to forgive, or how much you want him to stay. His choice, not your one. That's life.
2sunny Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 having sex with your MM in YOUR OWN HOME is an angry act in itself. most spouses would have an EXTREMELY difficult time getting passed that form of betrayal. for him to have suspected - and gone to the effort of setting up a camera - you must have been putting off some serious cheating signals... and i'd bet money he asked for your truth and you lied about it to his face, yes? why would you do that to him? i'm interested in hearing that part.
John Michael Kane Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 having sex with your MM in YOUR OWN HOME is an angry act in itself. most spouses would have an EXTREMELY difficult time getting passed that form of betrayal. for him to have suspected - and gone to the effort of setting up a camera - you must have been putting off some serious cheating signals... and i'd bet money he asked for your truth and you lied about it to his face, yes? why would you do that to him? i'm interested in hearing that part. I agree. Maybe she wanted him to know, since she felt "entitled".
wrongedwife Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 As a BS myself I can emphaise with you H. You need to let him rage, let him cry, let him get out all his feelings, and you need to take it on the chin, don't make excuses or try to explain, unless he asks you to, own what you did don't excuse it or explain it away. The marriage may have been broken before the affair, but you literally sh*tted on it. Your actions have hurt him more deeply than you could ever know, and I would never wish that pain on anyone. You need to show you are sorry by letting him rage, cry without excuse, appologise when appropriate, not when he is raging, that just seems forced and not genuine. Make a change in your behavior, full disclosure of your activites phone calls etc, even if it means telling him you have had contact no matter how insignificant with OM I.e. Saw him at the shops even if you didn't speak. Show him you want to make it work. If he wants the same thing he will come around when HE is ready. You need to work to his timetable not one of your own, it could take months or even years for him to fully get over this betrayal. If you can't handle it, end it. It does neither of you any good to stay if you can't handle the consequences of what you did. I sincerely hope that the two of you are not letting your issues affect your young son. He may still be an infant but he will be able to pick up on your moods, and these are important years for him developmentally. Sometimes having a home with both mum and dad is not the best thing for a young child. I would suggest if possible the two of you have some time apart, even if it is jet a few nights, it will give both of you time to think about what you want without the other person there clouding your thinking. I know a lot of what I said has been said by other posters, but it seems to me it is good advise, at least from the perspective of the BS it does. I am just telling you to do the things I need my WH to do for me. Every marriage is different so there is no 1 sure fire cure for this issue. But letting him express himself is something you need to do, no matter how long it takes. If you want to help him sort his feelings and he won't seek counseling suggest he writes all his feelings, fears, angry thoughts etc down at the time he is feeling. Either in a book, or using a notes app on his phone. I have been doing this and it has helped to some degree. I still feel shattered, but getting those feelings out when I feel them, even though it is just on paper, stops me stewing on them all day till I see the WH, i am sure it has prevented several fights that were not necessary. If he chose to do this, it may even be helpful for him to let you read it, so you have an understanding of what he is feeling, but that is something he would have to decide to do, as they are his innermost thoughts, he may not want to share them all with you. I showed my WH a portion and he said it broke his heart to know that was what I was feeling. I couldn't show him the whole thing, the hurt is still to fresh to bear my soul to him at the moment. But it might be worth suggesting this to you H. I sincerely hope you and your H can sort this out, but unfortunately it will be his decision to continue, not yours, you just have to be patient and supportive while he try's to sort out all the hurt he is feeling, he needs time to break through the pain before he can start to heal, and workon the marriage, if that is something he wants to do. You can't make him stay, not matter how much you love him. Making him stay when he doesn't want to isn't good for either of you,or your child. I wish you all the best.
wrongedwife Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Me again. I looked up the 180 for myself, and though it is usually for the BS, it may also be helpful for you, obviously not al the steps would apply to the WS but it may help in giving him space to grieve. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
wrongedwife Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I think it is crap, but I know it works for some people, so since I don't know these people it is a viable option for them if they believe it can work.
Recommended Posts