softballsweetie12 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for over four years now, living together for 2 of those years. Hes wonderful, sweet, caring, and accepts all my flaws with out question, and has been there for me through alot! but heres the catchI want to get married and start having babies, and weve talked alot about marriage in the past and currently, but he keeps pushing back the time, at one point we were up in the 30s range, and if i really start to talk about it seriously, he gets irritated, and says even though he knows im the one, he has this redikulous list or pre-reqs before, that arent garunteed to even happen first before he wants to propose, or get truely serious about getting married. some of the tings on his list are, he wants us to be absolutel financally stable ( major problem with this, while we live together, he still works on his family farm 3 hours away, so every weekend that i work, and while we were still in college every school break, he has been out there working for not very much money, and has yet to apply for more then one job here in the town we live in.), hes talked about wanting us to own a house first,(which interrupts the financial situation again) and is a problem cuz he would eventually like to move a state away ( his parents are moving back there to be closer to family this summer) and he wants me to be completely done with school, im enrolling in a masters program a year from now. I love him with all my heart, and he says he loves me more then life, i just dont know how long i can wait for him to decide. my other problem is hes very close with his parents almost too close sometimes, as he leaves me no matter what im going through most times to go run to help them with little things, like babysitting the dog so they wont have to put him in a kennel overnight even though, I was waiting on the results of my state boards for my rn liscence and told him i wanted him to stay with me and even offered to pay for the dog to be in the kennel for his folks. all to no avail. everytime it happens i end up in tears feeling like ****, because his mom is an alcoholic and his dad works alot, but hes 25.....and sometimes no matter how much i need him, somedays it dosent seem to matter, even though he always apologizes and makes me feel worse for thinking badly of him for leaving me, even after my sibling passed away suddenly and i had to beg him for 3 hours after the funeral not to leave me, so he left the next evening and made some bs excuse about he thought i should be with my family instead of him. his grandparents, friends, and all his extended relatives keep asking him when were going to get married, his parents say the love me all the time, and even jokingly refer to me as their daughter-in-law, but his dad will make little comments here in there, like oh i dont think you guys should rush into anything, ect...and i truely am torn at this point do i stay, do i give an ultimatum, do i wait another 5 or 6 years until the stars are supposed to magically allign....im 24, and ready to get married, i would like at least an engagement before my masters program (which leaves roughly 14 months for him to make that happen) which should take me only 2 years at this rate, and ive agreed to wait until after that to have kids, but he wont even get me a promise ring at this point (and yes i know it seems highschoolish at this age, but i just want something from him to say he has every intention of keeping me forever, something to show im his, to where i can wear it and say yeah its from my boyfriend were waiting just a bit more for the real deal...)....at this point im scarred im going to get hurt either way, at this point my gut is telling me to walk away before i waste anymore time on something that isnt going to happen, which will hurt like hell, or i can wait a few more years to have him tell me that its just not gonna happen, and be dumped on my ass after waiting soo many years....but my heart says stay, maybe he really does want to marry me, and that i will get him to ask me to marry him, because at this point i just wanna marry him i dont care if the ring is something outa of a quater machine, or a simple band, and he knows that, i would go to the justice of the peace today in sweats and a tshirt hair messy, and marry him today if he asked, and he knows that..... so folks who wins....the gut or the heart....to wait or not to wait......
TigerCub Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Hi OP, I'm sorry, I really don't get you. You say that you just want to marry him - it doesn't matter if the ring is from a machine - I'm not making a huge deal of the ring, but the question is - what will it change if you 2 get married today? You already live together, he's already committed to you, so what would that piece of paper change for you? I think his concerns are right. He wants to be financially stable and own a house - what's wrong with that? I think that's the smart way of going about it. Also, you're 24, and he's 25 - you want to make that promise of 'I'll be with you FOREVER" - well thanks to medical technology - forever is a long f'n time nowadays - do you really think that BOTH of you can commit the next 60 or so years to each other? What's the big rush? You're going to be really busy with your masters program, he's going to be really busy working and trying to make money and attain some kind of financial success - so why the need to add marriage to the mix at that time? I think the greater issue is that he's simply not there for you when you need him - That thing about you having to "beg" him to stay with you when your sibling passed away - that's complete bullsh** on his part - he should have been there for you without you even asking. I think that you feel insecure in your relationship with him because he doesn't make the effort to be there for you - maybe you hope that getting married is somehow going to prove something to you - but honestly, it wont. Getting married isn't going to fix it. Furthermore, if he marries you when he's not ready - he's going to blame you for it afterwards. If he's not ready, don't push this on him. I honestly don't see your rush - but everyone does things differently. If you're happy with the life you 2 have - why do you need the marriage? When I was younger - around 23, 24, marriage was a goal for me, it was just something I wanted to do. now, I'm so glad that I never got married, because I'd rather be with the right person for me, than just 'be married'. so yeah, maybe with time and different experiences, I just realized that now, I'd rather be happy than married. Any idiot can get married, and it doesn't guarantee anything, because people cheat, people get divorced, s**t happens. Its more important to actually be happy with someone that you're compatible with, someone that's there for you, that you can trust, that truly loves you. ...but that's just my take on it. Good luck
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