Hopeless_1116 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) ***Moved this to the coping thread as I realized I had posted in the wrong spot***If anyone knows how to delete a post, let me know! Thanks*** Hi everyone, I am new here but not new to the site. I have been reading your posts on here for quite a while. I messed up big time and could really use some friends Here's some background first: My ex and I dated on/off for almost a year. We were very much in love but there were external factors that contributed to our break up. He was going through a depression it took a huge toll on me and our relationship. I tried me hardest to be there for him and love him as best as I could, but one Sunday morning 3 months ago it seemed I had reached my breaking point. I cried and told him I didn't think I was good for him anymore. He didn't seem bothered by this fact, and basically said that he didn't believe it was really over between us. I insisted it was and left.....once I had come to my senses, I regretted having left the way I did. I reached out to him but he suggested we take some time apart. After a month, we agreed to meet up but on the day of he cancelled saying he wasn't ready to see me and that while he loved me very much, he felt that our relationship was "out of control" and it might be best to pick up the pieces and go our separate ways. I was hurt and angry at the time and didn't understand how he could just walk away after I had stood by him through so much. I said some hurtful things to him for which I apologized for the next day and then we both went NC, until yesterday that is....when I broke the silence with an emotional email that read: Dear <Name>, How are you? I'm surprised to find myself writing this email, but you've been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe it's the familiarity of the season when we were first getting to know each other, but I can't seem to shake this feeling. I understand that I am taking a huge risk and potentially making a complete fool of myself by reaching out to you, but in my opinion this is the better alternative than the regret of "what if". The last time we talked I was hurt and angry and closed the door on any future communication, so if you're not interested in speaking with me I completely understand. That being said, I always find myself coming back to thoughts of you and me and felt the need to reach out to you. Maybe I am naive to still believe that what we had was special and rare, but I do. I often think about the first time I met your family and you described our first date as "life changing" when we were playing the game at the kitchen table. That's how I truly feel about having met you. You changed my life - you made it better and chaotic at times, but it didn't matter if we were up or down because most of all you showed me what it was to truly love someone unconditionally. I think about the morning I walked away and still think we broke up due to a misunderstanding and didn't agree with you when you said it would only continue to happen and referred to us as "out of control". I assume that if you thought you were wrong or had made a mistake, you probably would have reached out to me long ago, but I still can't help but wonder if things could have been different. I still love you and miss you every day. I just wanted you to know that, and if nothing else maybe we could be friends someday. <Me> I had no control over myself....I had been crying for days and days and NEEDED to reach out to him. I love him and miss him so much. I felt like I had weighed the pros and cons of sending the email but after the fact I feel foolish. He could have another girlfriend for all I know and think I'm a pathetic mess. Life is too short to have regrets, and if I hadn't sent the email I would have always wondered "what if" I had reached out to him just one time.....but this feeling sucks Any encouraging words would be appreciated. Thanks for reading Edited May 30, 2011 by Hopeless_1116
Freesia120 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 You have done all you can...It might take sometime before he gets back or not.I know that feeling of giving it a second chance and being the bigger person and wanting to work things out. I also felt foolish for contacting my Ex after he is the one who did me wrong and I was harsh with my words...Im still waiting to hear from him...Just want the yucky feeling to go away now
Solear Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I fully understand the feeling your going through now. Although when mine got back in touch i didnt respond well. She'd hurt me too much for me to just talk to her straight off the bat. I wanted her to know what it felt like. Well I may have burned my bridges now. It hurts a lot and I know what you mean about the seasons. I'm dreading September.
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 It's nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way. At this point, I am highly doubting a response which is a tough pill to swallow. Even a polite acknowledgment would have been better than the silent treatment, but oh well....I feel like I said what needed to be said now that the anger and resentment has passed. I love him and told him so, and for that I will not apologize because there is no reward without risk and I am not a coward!!
Livelovelearn Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 girl, i know how hard it is my first love broke up with me last year and i have never felt so much pain in my life, a year later it does get better and we are not back together and i am glad. he recently contacted me and i find that he has a gf..but sending mixd messages just move on....dont get back into that relationship..its done with..trust me..ur better off looking for someone else, date around get to know others trust me it does get better but u have to be willing, change ur mindframe and you'll find u will get better
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 date around get to know others trust me it does get better but u have to be willing, change ur mindframe and you'll find u will get better I have been dating, a few guys actually....I think that's actually what made me miss my ex so much. We had such a strong connection. A chemistry that I believe is rare. We just sort of "clicked". I appreciate your advice. I do believe that sometimes there are other factors that affect a relationship. In my case, there was no cheating or anything like that. It was two people who loved each other but had a communication breakdown due to depression. I hear ya though....i've done all I can do. With his silence will come acceptance that it really is over.
Livelovelearn Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 okay so that just means its too early to date for you, one thing i did was get in touch with my friends and just did so much things with them especially during the summer it was perfect timing. spend time with family and children as well it really helped me appreciate more things in life rather than just focusing on a bad relationship. communication is key in a relationship im sure you know that. and if you do get back im sure there will be alot of walking on eggshells...just work on focusing on you and enjoying yourself.. depression is a big thing it happened to my ex as well but once they come out of it, they are different, people grow and change, it happens learn to accept this and youll find you expect it alot more in life and when it does happen, you wont be as hurt when relationships change
ladii Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think you should have sent that at the start of NC then just sent a how are you message after the 2 months...I really think it hurts to bring up the past again...start a fresh...so I think it would have been better to open up at the start of NC so that way he had 2 months to seep those thoughts in...
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I think you should have sent that at the start of NC then just sent a how are you message after the 2 months...I really think it hurts to bring up the past again...start a fresh...so I think it would have been better to open up at the start of NC so that way he had 2 months to seep those thoughts in... I hear what you're saying about bringing up the past; although, I have read so many posts on here about "breadcrumbs" and being that I was the one who initially broke it off and closed the door on future communication, I didn't want to send the "How are you?" message. I guess I wanted him to know that even after three months, I still feel as though we could have resolved our poor communication. I have not heard a word back and at this point I don't think I will. I will leave it alone now.
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 So he responded, and it's not what I had hoped for, but the lines of communication are open.....should I meet up with him and see what happens? Hi <me> I admit that I'm just as surprised to hear from you as you were to be writing the email to me. It's been a while. I received the message over the weekend, but wanted to let it absorb before responding. The truth is, I will always love you and hold a special place in my heart for both you and <my son>, but too much has happened between us and I don't think it's healthy for either of us to get involved with each other again. We have this ability to love each other stronger than perhaps either of us has ever felt before (that was the case for me), but that's also opened us up to be hurt by each other worse than we ever have before and I can't be the cause of anymore of your tears, nor do I think I can handle a lot of the hurt that I felt again. I have so many amazing memories of you and <my son> and find myself in tears just thinking about it now. I wish we'd had less of the bad so there could be more good days ahead… I really do, but I'm too afraid to open myself up again. It wasn't foolish of you to reach out to me. I'm actually glad you did. I've almost sent you several emails over the past months, but your last email to me suggested you'd moved on so I respected your space. I haven't been able to get into another relationship since ours and really wish that I felt differently now about everything. I've always said that you never know what the future holds and I would love to be your friend when you're ready as I'd really like that. I'll leave it in your court if you'd like to keep in touch based on my response. I'd love to grab a coffee or drink now that the weather is so beautiful <Him>
radiodarcy Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 you can. but i wouldn't expect much to happen. based on his response, he's made it pretty clear that while he values you a great deal, he's not interested in pursuing a second chance. based on what i'm reading his decision sounds pretty final. but you know him and the situation better than any of us do. so - -maybe there is. if anything, i would wait awhile before meeting up - - just so you can prepare yourself for how things go either way.
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 So, I didn't get much feedback regarding my ex's response to my email, maybe it was pretty clear that he didn't want to pursue a second chance with me, but I am more confused than ever now and could really use some help from you guys!!! I responded back to him telling him that I would love to have a friendship because I genuinely care about him and miss him as a person, but if I were to pursue a friendship with him right NOW, I would be doing it for the wrong reasons - hoping that it would turn into something more - and this wouldn't be good for either of us. I explained to him that after our break up, I started seeing a therapist to address certain behaviours I seemed to be repeating in every relationship since I split from my abusive relationship with my son's father and for the first time in a long time I feel strong and in control of my emotions and don't want to lose that my creating a friendship with ulterior motives. The confusing part was his response to this email "I think you and I deserve a drink or coffee together. So much has happened and we didn't leave off on good terms, so I think we should. Let's talk about it when I'm back from Texas."......WHY would he insist on getting together after I explained that I can't be his friend at this point in time because I'm still interested in working on our relationship??? Should I get together with him? I've been working on myself and feel strong, but if I see him knowing I'm still in love with him and he doesn't want me, it will be painful. It seems selfish to me, but is he trying to tell me maybe there is hope? His email seemed pretty clear to me. What do you think???
radiodarcy Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 honestly, i would come out and ask him - - before you meet face to face. if he says "no" that there is no second chance, then re-iterate what you told him before about not wanting to meet on a friendly basis as you feel it would keep you from fully recovering from the break up. you did the right thing in setting your boundaries. stick to them and don't bother trying to decipher what he meant in that last response. all i read it as is he's missing you and wants to catch up. which is nice. but he needs to respect your need to heal and give you the space you've given him so you can heal too. if he's not willing to give you a second chance then he should understand why you need to skip that meet up for the time being until you've moved on to the point where you can handle it.
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 honestly, i would come out and ask him - - before you meet face to face. if he says "no" that there is no second chance, then re-iterate what you told him before about not wanting to meet on a friendly basis as you feel it would keep you from fully recovering from the break up. you did the right thing in setting your boundaries. stick to them and don't bother trying to decipher what he meant in that last response. all i read it as is he's missing you and wants to catch up. which is nice. but he needs to respect your need to heal and give you the space you've given him so you can heal too. if he's not willing to give you a second chance then he should understand why you need to skip that meet up for the time being until you've moved on to the point where you can handle it. Thanks very much for your advice, Radiodarcy! I really appreciate it! My initial email said all it needed to say in terms of where I stand, and he didn't seem interested. I don't think asking him at point blank will change anything. We've exchanged a few more emails catching up a bit and he said he respects my decision not to get together right now and if/when I'm ready, I should "give him a shout" lol Seems I am just one of the guys!!! lol C'est la vie
radiodarcy Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 your welcome! it sounds like you're doing fine on your own. just keep doing what your doing
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