sumu Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 My ex and I were together for 9 years. Things probably weren't right for quite some time towards the end, and I think we basically fell out of love with each other. I found out he'd been cheating on me within the last 6 months or so of our relationship. It was a really difficult time because he was totally dishonest about the situation, and didn't ever admit to any of the things he was doing. He was telling me on the one hand that he wasn't sure that we should split up as he was worried he'd regret it, but was continuing to see this other girl (but refusing to admit it). I basically sent myself crazy over this period, because in my gut I knew that he was lying to me, but he would flat out deny it. I became obsessive about it, looking for evidence for him seeing her (and often finding it), but he would still deny it. I found out he'd slept with her in my house, and other horrible horrible things. Eventually we came to the descision to split, and went through the whole process of moving into new houses etc. It was really hard, but definitely the right decision for us as the love was gone. That was nearly a year ago, and for some reason I just can't move on. He lives with the girl he was cheating on me with, and it makes me feel sick. I just feel like I've been totally replaced and tossed aside without him caring. It's still the first thing I think about in the morning, and it fills up most of my spare time thinking. I feel so, so angry with him, that he has just moved on seemingly unscathed from this. I think about them together, and I feel angry that he hasn't had to feel what it's like to be on his own. I resent her, and as I see that she's becoming friends with his friends, I feel like she's stolen my life. It's not even as if he's with the love of his life, apparently they have quite a volatile relationship, and he has told people he isn't particularly happy with her. I know rationally that this means he's probably got issues about not being able to be on his own, but it doesn't really console me much. I saw them out together last night, and I felt insanely jealous that they were with people who are also friends of mine. Of course I know that it's not my friends fault, but part of me feels angry that people still want to know him. I feel left behind by it all. I feel so lonely. I've got lovely friends and family. I'm always busy as I'm working and studying. I have a good social life, go out lots, exercise lots and do nice things. Outwardly everything's great.But when I'm home on my own with only myself for company, it seems like I feel as bad as I did when we first split up. I feel frustrated because it feels like I'm doing everything I can to cope, but nothing seems to be working, and don't feel like I can go on like this. I'm totally up for dating and meeting new people, but you know the way it goes - when you're looking there doesn't seem to be anybody! Sorry for rambling, I just feel pretty desperate at the moment. I 'm fed up with myself for wasting my energy on this, as I don't want him back at all, and know I can do better than a cheat. So why can't I move on??? Any advice / sharing of similar experiences would be really appreciated. Thanks
Gisele Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 i want to give you a hug, i know EXACTLY how you feel in terms of feeling replaced and as if you're being pushed out of your own life I was only going out with my ex for a few months, and i just turned 20 so i know it doesn't really compare, but the girl he's with now was one we both knew. I like to believe he didn't cheat on me, but they were always very friendly, and a few days after we split (and a few HOURS after she got dumped by her boyfriend of nearly 2 years), they slept together. I was there to see them kissing etc before going to get a taxi together. THAT was a rough night They are both on my course, and i have to see them both everyday. For about 8 hours a day, 9 at worst. A lot of the mutual friends we made together in those months now see them as the 'It Couple' and i very much feel pushed to the side and forgotten about He treated me very poorly, and although some good friends who witnessed his behaviour would never give him the time of day, it does hurt to see them not only together, but together surrounded by friends who i'd have considered my friends too. I feel forgotten about, and very lonely, just like you. it really helps venting about it here, and i try to limit contact with them both as much as possible. i wish i could give solid advice but im just as stuck as you seem to be It gives me comfort to try and remind myself that they most likely WON'T last forever, and if/when they break up they'll have made things vey awkward for each other socially as well I try not to focus on that too much though, because then it just feels worse the longer they DO remain together She complained about my ex as well in the beginning, said she missed the boyfriend who dumped her, but weeks down the line they're going strong, and he talks about how 'insanely happy' he is I spend too much time feeling rejected and unappealing over this And yes, when you're looking to move on, it does seem like there are no other fish!! At least you know that their relationship isn't all sunshine and roses. It's unlikely it'll last long term, and if it does, you'll know that he isn't completely head over heels, so he's settling. Due to his own insecurities. It's a bit of a give-away if they're already complaining in the 'Honeymoon' phase. Please know that i understand how you feel. Why do they get a happy ending, and we don't?
Sugarkane Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I can so relate to your story. I understand about the whole friend thing too. My ex cruelly dumped and insulted me by text completely out of the blue. I was good friends with all my exes friends. but after he did a 180 on me, he somehow poisoned them all against me. I not only lost my ex, but after the breakup the so called "friends" didn't even want to know me aswell. To say that the breakup was difficult would be an understatement. I really needed support and nobody cared at all, now that I wasn't part of a couple. I'm sure that my ex cheated on me. He refused to even talk to me about the breakup, let alone meet up with me. I saw him 2 weeks later and he already had someone else. I just want you to know that the chances of this new love lasting with your ex is probably slim. If he's cheated before, will he cheat again? Its pretty likely.
Author sumu Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Awwww thank you. I really feel for you, it must be really difficult having to see them It's comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way - sometimes it feels like I'm losing the plot!!! I really really hope that things start to get better for you soon.
Author sumu Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 @ Sugarkane. Thanks for replying. That must have been horrible losing friends aswell. And not talking to you about the breakup is super harsh!!! It's horrible when you don't have answers. I'm kind of the same, but it's because my ex refuses to tell the truth about anything that happened - even now!! Why is it so hard??!!!
Mimi99 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I understand how you feel, but I say the best revenge is to completely focus on yourself. If you don't workout already, join the gym, get a makeover, make new friends, focus on your career or school work, join fun classes like salsa or zumba. Basically, keep yourself busy by doing fun things everyday and take care of yourself. When you feel good about yourself, and you look the best version of yourself, you'll feel like you can conquer the world. Then start dating other guys.He'll see that and regret he ever split up with you. People really can sense when someone isn't a happy person and that would also drive away potential dates. So find happiness within yourself first. You said you're having difficulty finding dates. Join an online dating site. Hope I helped a bit. Take care.
9Lives Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 my ex is on my mind everyday but i dont let it bother me anymore. It is just going to be there and that all there is to it. It takes time to stop loving and caring for someone. You just have to accept it. Just because you are thinking about someone doesnt mean you are not moving forward. it just part of breaking up. it is just natural and eventually, it will go away.
Author sumu Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 I understand how you feel, but I say the best revenge is to completely focus on yourself. If you don't workout already, join the gym, get a makeover, make new friends, focus on your career or school work, join fun classes like salsa or zumba. Basically, keep yourself busy by doing fun things everyday and take care of yourself. When you feel good about yourself, and you look the best version of yourself, you'll feel like you can conquer the world. Then start dating other guys.He'll see that and regret he ever split up with you. People really can sense when someone isn't a happy person and that would also drive away potential dates. So find happiness within yourself first. You said you're having difficulty finding dates. Join an online dating site. Hope I helped a bit. Take care. That's kind of the problem... I've done all this, but it's just not working I go to yoga, cycle everywhere, go to the gym, have a weekly night out dancing, have started university, have been buying loads of nice new clothes - the list goes on ha!! And when I do all these things, I genuinely have a good time. It's just those times when I'm at home on my own that it all goes a bit... bleugh.
Author sumu Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 my ex is on my mind everyday but i dont let it bother me anymore. It is just going to be there and that all there is to it. It takes time to stop loving and caring for someone. You just have to accept it. Just because you are thinking about someone doesnt mean you are not moving forward. it just part of breaking up. it is just natural and eventually, it will go away. Yeah definitely, I kind of accept that he's always going to be in my mind somewhere as annoying as it is. It's just frustrating that I still spend a lot of time crying about it (most days)...
9Lives Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Yeah definitely, I kind of accept that he's always going to be in my mind somewhere as annoying as it is. It's just frustrating that I still spend a lot of time crying about it (most days)... yeah, I was the same way for a long time. Out of no where my ex email me to say he was thinking of me and hey. It messed me up just a little and made me think about him even more. he is thinking about me and so is your ex. You dont just forget people who you been with for a long time. Just let the thoughts be on your mind and do your best to move forward with your life. Its just not going to go away for a while. The more you fight it, the stronger they get. Just work on moving forward. You cant erase the past. he is a part of it. but you are have a new life to start and he is a ghost now.
Author sumu Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 yeah, I was the same way for a long time. Out of no where my ex email me to say he was thinking of me and hey. It messed me up just a little and made me think about him even more. he is thinking about me and so is your ex. You dont just forget people who you been with for a long time. Just let the thoughts be on your mind and do your best to move forward with your life. Its just not going to go away for a while. The more you fight it, the stronger they get. Just work on moving forward. You cant erase the past. he is a part of it. but you are have a new life to start and he is a ghost now. Thank you for that. It's so true. I think I waste so much of my energy on wishing there had been a different outcome, that the split wasn't so messy and that he hadn't lied. But I can't change what's happenned, and the only thing I CAN change is my outlook on it.
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