rose27 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I've recently joined this forum to vent a little...or maybe a lot in my case. In January this year I broke up with my boyfriend just shy of our 4 year anniversary. It was a hard decision for me but I knew it was for the best. He became quite abusive and had a lot of anger in him during the second year of our relationship. It was more verbal as opposed to physical, but the reason I made the decision to leave was because he hit me after I said something that made him angry (the smallest things would set him off). He was also unhappy within himself, but always seemed to make me feel like crap by putting me down. He shot my confidence into pieces. There was a lot more crap that went on, but to cut a long story short- we just seemed to bring out the worst in each other. His mum was also diagnosed with terminal cancer about 2 years ago. I know this year has been worse and I think she is close to her final days. He told me when we did break up that he knew it was for the best also, and only wanted to focus on his mum. My biggest fear was him moving on with someone else and I told him that. He assured me that he wasn't interested in anyone. It just would have killed me to see him move on so soon. You can imagine my shock when I found out that he was already seeing a girl who is actually supposed to be his third cousin (I know it's gross). I don't know if I was more shocked that they were related or the fact that he moved on after 2 months! I was so hurt by it all, especially because I knew this girl and I actually thought that she was nice. I didn't think it was serious, I thought of her as the rebound because it seemed ridiculous. So anyway, just as I was getting over the fact that they were together, I find out that over the weekend he PROPOSED TO HER!! TWO MONTHS TOGETHER AND THEY'RE ENGAGED. I know that it shouldn't bother me as we have broken up and I know that he wasn't right for me, but it really does! I don't understand why he's being so irrational. It just really hurts! I spent 4 years of my life with him and went through hell, hoping that he might change. Then this girl comes along and two months later BAM she's his future wife. I feel like she's taken everything I had ever hoped for with him. Even though I suffered towards the end, I secretly hoped that he would change and that things could have worked out between us. I keep thinking of things that happened leading up to this and I did not expect this at all. I even had a civil conversation with him about 4 weeks ago and I was telling him that I'd always have a place in my heart for him, he said the same about me. He even told me that if I needed anything that he'd be there for me. Now this...it's crazy! I know I said that we broke up because of the way he was, but seeing him happy with someone else so soon just kills me. It makes me think that he didn't love me at all during our relationship. That's the worst feeling in the world. I was hoping that I could just have some advice on how to get through this and maybe some of your thoughts on my situation. I guess I feel as though it will help me out.
PelicanPete Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Welcome! First of all, it doesn't really seem fair for you to have a say in his love life when your breaking up with him. His engagement just shows that you dodged a bullet. He's insecure about himself and needs somewhere to be there in his life because of your break up and his mother, so it probably amplified the intensity of the relationship with the third cousin. I know how you feel, because my ex was engaged a month after she broke up with me for another guy, and married him 3 months after that. Finding out they were engaged quickly just made me feel like there was something wrong with me, but after getting all the emotion out of the way I realized it was just a product of my ex's insecurity. She needs to have someone else to define her, because she has a void that needs to be filled due to lack of self identity [which caused problems when we were together]. If your ex can get engaged that fast, it just shows you're much better off without him. You don't want to be with a person like that, and that's why you broke up with him. Be happy its not you, because you know a lot better what he's really like. You were smart enough to not marry him
Author rose27 Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Thank you for your thoughts on my situation. It helps to know that I'm not the only one that has been through this. You've definitely hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that your ex has a lack of self identity. My ex is exactly like that and I know that he's doing this because it's a distraction from what is going on and he can't deal with his emotions on his own. He sent me a text last night asking if I was okay, clearly he has a guilty conscience. Anyway, I guess I'll have to move on with my life and not let it affect me. I'm definitely in a better place now than when I was with him.
Freesia120 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Some people can't bear to be alone even if it means he will take his cousin it really doesn't matter he just needs somebody there with him .Four years is a long time so I can imagine how you feel, you have invested your time and you feel like you came out empty but that was both a bold and smart move.You can only do what is best for you and your future. Just remember all the problems you have been having with your ex will now be carried by the bride to be... he will still remain who he is. I have recently broken up with my ex and if he moves on so fast I would feel hurt but the hurt is better than walking on eggshells and wondering what I have done to deserve the silent treatment for days.I will heal with time but can't bear the silence when there hasn't been any rows.Stay positive and keep the company of your good friends or family that is what keeps me going
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah, people who find someone else right away are just WEAK! Most of us here are alone and hurt and scared, and we have to dig deep and find courage just to keep going, and then we start reading about how to improve ourselves and how to be a better person, etc.... these people who just jump to someone else NEVER do that kind of work! They will be the same person 10 years from now. We'll be more in touch with ourselves and better able to love other people. My ex ended up sleeping with someone else while she was still trying to decide about coming back to me (or so she claimed). And now they'll probably end up together, so she can just avoid working on herself and let someone else make her happy. Good for her. I'm gonna work on myself, I quit smoking the second she stopped coming around without her influencing me, started eating healthy again after 2 months of living like a pig while she strung me along, etc. It hurts when someone moves on to a new person quickly, but realize they are doing it because they are cowards. They'd rather have someone new to look at than go look at themselves in the mirror for a while and think about how they behave.
Snooks Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Hi, this appears to be a common theme. My ex left me last September after 10 years together. She immediately moved in with another guy and subsequently married him 5 months later. My sister summed it up by saying it all reeked of desperation. Desperate for my ex to prove to everyone, including her parents who were unhappy with her, and possibly even to herself that she had done the right thing by splitting up with me and that her new guy is the one for her. It was tough for me at first but in a way, her actions have helped me to move on. I too think that people who "move on" in this way do not know how to be alone and need to be in a relationship for whatever reason. All I can say is try and move on yourself. Difficult I know but it does get easier with time.
PelicanPete Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Hi, this appears to be a common theme. My sister summed it up by saying it all reeked of desperation. Desperate for my ex to prove to everyone, including her parents who were unhappy with her, and possibly even to herself that she had done the right thing by splitting up with me and that her new guy is the one for her. Definitely true! When my ex broke up with me, she was very forward about telling everyone that the new guy was the best bf in the world, giving the impression that she's over me and that I wasn't a good boyfriend. All of our mutual friends thought she was crazy by breaking up with me, and I doubt her family was very supportive of her decision since they loved me like one of their own and wanted me to marry her. She made rumors up about me to make me seem worse after our breakup, and praised how great of a bf the other guy was basically everyday.
Kilty Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yep Rose - you are not alone Me included is in the same boat Within a month of split she went out with a guy who she had rejected when we were still together, went on holiday with him 2 months later and came back engaged. Wedding and honeymoon booked for August which will be approximately 1 year 3 months of being together and having not known each other before. He is desperate and just needs to be with someone - and she is just lapping it up as she is just as insecure as he is. - And to understand that you really need to see him and know of his past. And i have to work in the same building as the pair of them Great eh
Author rose27 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 It definitely seems like a common occurence these days! I've seen it happen to other people, I just never thought I would have to go through something like this. I am convinced that anyone so desperate to move on so soon after a breakup is clearly unable to deal with their own emotions. I consider people in our situation be the lucky ones as we are giving ourselves a chance to deal with our emotions and face reality. I believe that's what makes us stronger. Good luck to them!
Snooks Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I was just thinking, it takes two to tango. Our exes have got engaged/married so quickly and we've commented on them but what about their new partner? They must have some kind of emotional issue also to want to commit so soon to someone that has just come out of another relationship. I wonder what the success rate is for these types of relationships/marriages where they are made up of possibly two emotionally unstable people?
Kodo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I was just thinking, it takes two to tango. Our exes have got engaged/married so quickly and we've commented on them but what about their new partner? Speaks volumes doesn't it? Either they are just as pathetic or they are completely oblivious... I wonder what the success rate is for these types of relationships/marriages where they are made up of possibly two emotionally unstable people? Depends how you define "success". These sorts of relationships can go forever with neither person leaving out of fear that they can't do better or are afraid to lose what they have.
Snooks Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Depends how you define "success". These sorts of relationships can go forever with neither person leaving out of fear that they can't do better or are afraid to lose what they have. That's a good point. I would have thought though the chances of them lasting were low as neither party has had a real chance to get to know each other properly. Certainly where my ex is concerned, I hope it does last and that she is happy.
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