justanotherface Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I'm struggling so much right now. I am so lost and I don't know what to do. I've been crying for 3 days straight and it's not getting any better. I had to take a leave of absence at school. I am 29. I married the first man I ever loved. We were together 3 years and married for 4. June 26 is our anniversary. Most of our 7 years my husband has not worked (because of legal reasons) and I have had to provide for both of us. I have struggled and work damn near 80 hour work weeks. I believe my husband was experiencing some type of severe depression because he started picking arguments with me everyday. Sometimes multiple arguments a day and he always seemed down. He didn't show me any affection. This went on for about 10-12 months. So when the New Year came in, I decided I was fed up and that I wasn't going to do this anymore and I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. He apologized for how he had been and we agreed to try to work on it, but at that point I felt like I didn't love him and I didn't want it to work so I didn't try. I behaved like this about 3 months. I would hang out with my friends and not give him much attention and I even told him I did not love him. He insisted that we could fix it. Our relationship has been good except for this past year and a half. I have a lot of trust issues and it would seem every time I turned around my husband was doing something to make me loose trust in him more. In the last year I have found naked pictures in his phone back and forth between women at his job. Text messages. This weekend he disappeared for the whole weekend. He told me he was helping his friend move, but he left the house in flipflops and didn't come home until 2 days later. It was birthday weekend. I sent him pictures of the birthday cake, roses, and card I got him. He never texted back. I flipped out and I left the house and stayed in a motel for 3 days. When I came back we hardly talked. I asked for counseling for us. He told me he didn't want to talk about our marriage or fix it, he just wanted to move out. I would just drive him back and forth to work. It seemed like things were getting better and he started talking a little bit. We started eating breakfast together. Then he told me on Friday that he didn't need me to pick him up from work because his friend was taking him to an auction to look at cars. I followed him. He has been going to look at cars for about 3 weeks and he has no money and before that he would go every Friday to look for a job and not come home until 2am. Anyway he met up with a woman and went back to her apartment. I cant say what happened in there. They weren't in there long and they left and I lost him. He was driving her car the whole time. I was so hurt. I packed up all his clothes and set them outside on the porch and told him to come get them. He did. He tried to explain that the woman was his friends wife, but I had specificity asked him while I was following him if he was with a male friend and he lied repeatedly. This woman happened to be the same woman he sent naked pictures to. I checked the call log on his phone and they had thousands of calls back and forth over more than 3 years. I am just broken now because even though I feel in my heart he has cheated. I can forgive him, but this does not seem like a case of simply cheating for sex. There seems to be time and emotion invested here. I asked him again for counseling but it seems like that is not the path he wants to take. I have not had contact with him since he left. I run to my phone every time I get a text, call, or email and it is not him. The pain is so great I can barely breathe cause I love him so much and he is gone. Nobody understands. They tsk and say how I am so much better off, but they don't know the pain of not sleeping next to him at night. I have not slept alone in 7 years. They don't know how it feels to step in the shower and smell him there. Of seeing his toothbrush in the the toothbrush holder. Seeing him everywhere I go. The pain of his empty side of the closet, of his empty drawers, of this empty feeling in my heart. I feel so crushed. I feel like I just can't go on. No amount of hanging out with friends can reduce this loneliness because they go home and he is still not here. Leaving the tv on can't replace the sound of his voice, and clutching my pillow can not replace the emptiness of arms. I know telling him all this is not what I should do, but I did and I got no response. I feel like both he and her are reading my messages and laughing at how completely ridiculous I am.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 jaf Sorry to see that you are now in that dark place. If it is any comfort, almost everybody who posts here has been there at one time or another, and a good many are there now. I am also sorry to report that there are no quick fixis, or magic bullets that you can take that will make this all go away. However I can report, that with time, you can work through this and there will come a time when you will get over this and move on in life. And that is the first step, move on in life. I am sorry to say, but he does not sound like the catch of a life time and I think that you were right in beginning to push him out of your life. In my case I caught my ex-wife in the arms of another man on our six month anniversary. I reacted by kicking her out, and she reacted by bringing her new boy friend to a neighbors BBQ a couple of days later The things and incidents that remind you of him are called triggers. Triggers are nasty little beasties, in that they always remind you of the good times, and omit the bad times. I too was in that dark pit at one time, the question was not whether I would ever be able to be happy again, it was so low that I wondered whether I might be able to do something as simple as laughing again Trust me, it will take some time, but you will laugh, and you will love again, and here is the big surprise, you will find some one so much better. It is called trading up. I sure did. For the past 15 plus years I have been sharing my life with the sweetest, kindest woman that I have ever met. She is out of my league in the looks department, but I am able to trust her completely. This is no fairey tale, I am actually living it. You had a loser for a partner, it is time that you adjust your life so that a winner will come calling There are steps that you can take that will help you lead you to your recovery. First believe in yourself and that life will get better, and trust yourself in that you are taking the right steps in breaking away from this loser relationship. Begin by removing all of the physical reminders of him that are still in your life. The next step in moving on is to work on yourself. Me I turned back to my hobbies and taught myself how to cook some gourmet meals. Every second that I spent concentrating on my hobby or my cooking was a second that I did not think of her. The seconds turned into minutes then hours, etc. In short find something to occupy your mind and at the same time improves your life. Get busy, get active. There are lots of ways to do this, hobbies, schooling, friends, volunteering, think of it this way. You are free to explore your life. It will take awhile, and there will be up days, to be followed by down days, which we call the roller coaster. But before long the dips and drops will level out, and then when you least expect, there will be this pretty face (in your case - handsome face) looking down at you in your pit and wanting to know if you would like to come out and play, and if you are smart you will jump out of your pit forever. My ex-wife cheating on me was the best thing that ever happened to me
love4me2c Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I'm reading a great book called "Getting Over Your Breakup." It has really made a difference to me. There are tools in there to help you move on with your life. Regardless if reconciliation is possible or not. Amazon has it and I'm sure other bookstores too. I can't say enough about how good this book is. I really think it will help you out a lot. I've been where you are and it is not fun at all. Know that this soon shall pass.
tornintexas Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I feel your pain and share it with you your situation brought tears to my eyes. I too have a wayward spouse whom I cared and provided for many years. We have been fighting the good fight to save our marriage for but the whole time she was cheating. Our spouses used and abused us. They trampled our feelings under foot like an old cigarette. But we have to be strong, do not give in to this feeling of despair for it will pass. I lost many of my family members to death early in life. This feels much the same. I know the despair will pass and the pain will dull but at the moment it is severe. It is a dark pit, cold and full of demons. Each death changed me forever and so too will the deaths of our marriages bring change again. I know that soon I will find my footing and climb out of this pit just as you must do as well.
coolheadal Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It's a shame this happen to you! You seems so caring but your spouse wasn't the same with you. Being a man on this side and reading what you type from your heart and mind is so sad. Friends, family and leaving on TV is not the same as that special person being right next you always. Once they're gone out of the picture your left to sort things out in your life. This is hard, I've felt this myself the late couple of weeks. the Wife is cold and don't think what she's doing to me. I have to stand strong otherwise I'll fall apart. No one wants to be lonely in there life you need to have someone that respects you and most of all really wants to be with you. It has to be 100% or 50/50 not 99/1%.
Author justanotherface Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Hello everyone thanks for the advice and sympathy. I have not spoken to my husband since Saturday and I've cried myself to sleep every night. Yesterday something broke in me and all of the sudden I feel better. I feel like whatever is meant will happen. I'm afraid because the sadness was so intense and today I feel so much better and I didn't even think of him today as much. I haven't cried today and all my sad songs I listen to make me smile. I'm afraid that this is a false happiness and it will all come crashing down and I will be in that same place. He texted me just now to tell me Thursday he will be coming to bring me money for the bills and so we can talk. I don't know what to do.
coolheadal Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Why can't he just drop off the money for bills in your mail box. Why would you want to talk to him? Make sure if you decided to have a family member or friend there to be with you. I think it's a bad call though. Just going to to make you more upset later on.
Flgirl44 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 If it (affair) has been going on for 3 years out of the 4 you were married then that was likely the reason you were pulling away from him and fell out of love. It probably wouldn't have lasted due to his "depression" or the other reasons that were already present anyways. Don't let the emotions that go with cheating trick you into believing that the relationship is worth saving or revisiting. It isn't. It was bad before you found out and you should go by those feelings, that's what I think at least.
Steadfast Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 We suffer more with betrayal when our heart and head are waging war. The heart knows nothing of the crap he's laid on you; it just loves. The head listens to everything; trying to process it all and searching for the best direction to go. Reading how you jump between anger and sadness illustrates this, but you'll begin to heal when your head and your heart are closer. While you're working through that, ask yourself why you'd want to be with someone who lies to you. I know what the heart feels and am not oblivious to the loneliness your suffering, but it's important to understand that you must go through this to fully heal and grow from it. Look at it this way; if you wasn't depressed, sad and missing him, it would mean you didn't really love him. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. If your husband isn't feeling the same way, then he doesn't care about you the same way you care about him. He's a selfish jerk...who wants a selfish jerk for a husband? The lessons you learn from this experience will make you wiser, smarter, and a better all around person. Do yourself a favor and avoid him. In fact, avoid him for a good, long time. Know the what's good and what isn't. Day by day right now. Get some legal advice on your rights. Rest. Eat.
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