John Michael Kane Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I'm ignoring the rest (though I feel for you) and focusing on the bolded part. What happened after his father died? Do you feel you were not there for him? How did things progress? Ignoring the affair, was there alienation between you? Yea ignoring the rest will get you nowhere. All of that doesn't matter at this point. This is over.
Author wrongedwife Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I'm ignoring the rest (though I feel for you) and focusing on the bolded part. What happened after his father died? Do you feel you were not there for him? How did things progress? Ignoring the affair, was there alienation between you? I never got along with his father and it showed. I probably wasn't there enough, I thought I was but looking back I can see I said and did things that I shouldn't have. I didn't visit his parents much when his father was sick (I always felt like I was being attacked by his father for everything I did or said, so avoided seeing his parents). When H told me his father had passed the first thing I stupidly said was I am not sure I can get time off work (I had used all my sick and annual leave days). But I did get the time off, I took leave without pay for a week, to help him and his mum work through all the funeral plans, and their grief, I WAS there, and I was supporting, I organized most of the funeral myself, I made sure his mum was notifying all the relevant places where he had accounts of his passing, I was cooking, cleaning, doing everything for them so they could grieve. I left to come home before them, I said it was because I had to get back to work, but I wanted to give the two of them time and space to grieve together. I should have told him that then, not that I had to work. It was a stupid thing to say. When he came back, he hardly spoke, I thought it was just him dealing with losing his father so I let him be silent, I told him several times during this period I was there for him to talk to, but he never talked about his sadness, just everyday stuff. After a few weeks things seemed to be back to normal, we seemed to be in just as good a relationship as before, having fun, happy in love. I had no idea he was upset with me, he didn't show it, he didn't say it. About 3 months before dday was when I noticed a change in him (his father died November 2009, dday was 17 may this year). He became withdrawn and distant, and as I said before the OW started constantly calling him about this time. Hindsight tells me I probably wasn't the best wife at that time, but at the time I didn't know I was making him hurt so much. I thought I was doing everything I could, and his return to his normal self after a few weeks confirmed to me I was helping him at that time. I just want to thank you all for your advice, though harsh at times, I think it helped me make the right choice for right now about my marriage.
Woman In Blue Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband recently cheated. I was prepared to forgive him and move on, he said it was because I had hurt him by not being there as much as ne needed when his father passed away 18 months ago. I had no idea he felt this way unrolled after I found out about the cheating. So since it was because I had inadvertantly neglected his needs and caused him to lash out I thought I could give him a second chance. Wow, he's good. He acts like a scumbag and manages to get YOU to accept the blame for it. May I also assume that you're to blame for world hunger and strife in the Middle East? He tells me he will let her know he thinks she should have an abortion as it is not something he wants. Then the idiot shouldn't have been thinking with his d*ck. Not only did he open you both up to the possibility of an STD but he's also now created a possible pregnancy that he didn't want. Have you been tested for STDs? I can't help but think she has planned this, I know in the heat of the moment you may not use a condom if you are on the pill. But if you arent a normal woman would get the morning after pill wouldn't they? Wow, he's totally blameless, isn't he? It's ALL her fault that he chose to act like a pig, isn't it? Ooops, correction - it's YOUR fault for 'neglecting' him and it's HER fault for being an evil, soul-sucking She Devil who forced him to have sex with her. Damn! This guy should run for a political office or sell used cars, because he's great at lying and manipulating people. So even though it wasnt planned by him I can't help but think she planned the whole thing. Those damned evil She-Devils. Your poor 'victim' of a husband never stood a chance, did he? I guess i want opinions, should I stick by him no matter what, or wait to se what she wants to talk to him about and make a decision then. Does his reason sound genuine if he held onto these feelings so long? I have zero patience for lying, manipulative cheaters, but that's just me. Maybe if he actually owned his SH*T and took responsibility for his behavior instead of blaming everyone ELSE for it like a little weasel, I MIGHT consider staying. I suppose he's going to blame YOU for the fact that he was stupid enough to risk your sexual health by not having safe sex, too? Hell, why not? He's blamed you for everything else. Good luck to you if she IS pregnant. If you stay with him, you've just bought yourself approximately 21 years of drama, constant court battles about custody and support etc., and a reduced financial status because a good portion of his paycheck will be handed to her monthly for at least the next 18 years. I wouldn't stick around if you paid me, but that's just me.
cyabye Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 My heart is saying stay and work it out, but my brain is telling me to leave before my heat gets broken even more. I fear that if i follow my heart I will live to regret it. Follow your brain. That's why you have one. The fear is normal because it's a life changing event. Turn to your family. Move if you have to. I thought the same way as you before everything ended and guess what? I HAVE NO REGRETS! cya
Author wrongedwife Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Wow, he's good. He acts like a scumbag and manages to get YOU to accept the blame for it. May I also assume that you're to blame for world hunger and strife in the Middle East? Then the idiot shouldn't have been thinking with his d*ck. Not only did he open you both up to the possibility of an STD but he's also now created a possible pregnancy that he didn't want. Have you been tested for STDs? Wow, he's totally blameless, isn't he? It's ALL her fault that he chose to act like a pig, isn't it? Ooops, correction - it's YOUR fault for 'neglecting' him and it's HER fault for being an evil, soul-sucking She Devil who forced him to have sex with her. Damn! This guy should run for a political office or sell used cars, because he's great at lying and manipulating people. Those damned evil She-Devils. Your poor 'victim' of a husband never stood a chance, did he? I have zero patience for lying, manipulative cheaters, but that's just me. Maybe if he actually owned his SH*T and took responsibility for his behavior instead of blaming everyone ELSE for it like a little weasel, I MIGHT consider staying. I suppose he's going to blame YOU for the fact that he was stupid enough to risk your sexual health by not having safe sex, too? Hell, why not? He's blamed you for everything else. Good luck to you if she IS pregnant. If you stay with him, you've just bought yourself approximately 21 years of drama, constant court battles about custody and support etc., and a reduced financial status because a good portion of his paycheck will be handed to her monthly for at least the next 18 years. I wouldn't stick around if you paid me, but that's just me. Haha I love your way with words, I am over blaming people other than him for making that choice, I now see it wasn't her fault or mine, he could have always said NO! I have learned that he chased her, and started the emotional affair. I have decided to leave (see other thread in breakups). I am not too worried about stds, because of my health problems we hadn't been intimate for some time, but I will get checked as who knows how long it went on, have caught him in so many lies since Dday I know he can't be trusted. I don't even know for sure if she texted him saying they had to talk which lead to the whole thinking she was pregnant. We had a fight last night and I saw the man he has become, I think I finally got some truth out of him, and he apparently can lie about something as innocent as telling his mum he cheated, he had told me he had told no one and even got angry when I double checked. Today when he left because he couldn't face my parents he finally admitted he has feelings for her, and said he was hurt I asked him to go non contact because he knew her longer! I changed the locks after he left, and cancelled his access to my bank account. He wants to come home after my parents leave but I won't let him, he has lied to many times, and has said he can't be open and honest with me, because I broke his trust by snooping on his phone! I just think he is angry he got caught and is scared to go it alone, I am no longer scared to. I spent the morning before I called my mum figuring out if I could afford to live on my own and imagining my life without him, and I can do it, I need to do it. It just sucks you have to be separated 12 months here before you can file for divorce. Or I would have done it today!
Mimolicious Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I'm ignoring the rest (though I feel for you) and focusing on the bolded part. What happened after his father died? Do you feel you were not there for him? How did things progress? Ignoring the affair, was there alienation between you? AND let me guess C999- You will come back and pin this on this BS because she "alienated" her H and poor thing NO WONDER he went and and found a crying shoulder that he can get pregnant while at it. Is the solution to RL issues cheating? Seems like too many people have the same ideas. No wonder this world is going to shytes. "Ignoring the affair"? Really? Whoa! This chick is 28, 7 pregnancies and 5 kids??????? That's a whole lotta facking!!!!!!!!! No TV? Anyway, WW. I feel for you, this breaks my heart. The only thing that I can tell you is this (and you probably wont believe me or want to hear it). THE EASIEST LESS PAINFUL way out of this is for you to remove yourself from this situation. Believe me. I know that it is easier said and done but what you will have to deal with if you stay with this sham-of-a-man is going to be 10000x worse than just leaving his a$$. DO you really deserve to deal with the child that your H ENJOYED making with ANOTHER WOMAN? Think about that. I know that it's going to hurt like there is no fricking tomorrow to just read that BUT that is reality. I am sorry to have to tell you in a blunt way. I see in your last post that you have gotten some b@lls. GOOD FOR YOU! Stick to your words though. I bet you that if his OW wants nothing to do with him, he'll come crying and begging. DONT TAKE HIM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a feeling that someone will come and bring up your health issues as a valid reason why your MM had to go and look for a$$ else where. Some people hold on to any excuse to justify their immoral actions. Yeah, ok you had health issues but he already knew this right? Yeah, you weren't as supportive when his father died... Only you know the reason why, still doesn't justify what he did. He could have gone to a therapist not go stick his hotdog in a bun. Do yourself a favor. Let this charming loser live with his "mistakes". Set yourself free and you will find someone that doesn't love you just for his personal satisfaction. Good luck!
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