wrongedwife Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband recently cheated. I was prepared to forgive him and move on, he said it was because I had hurt him by not being there as much as ne needed when his father passed away 18 months ago. I had no idea he felt this way unrolled after I found out about the cheating. So since it was because I had inadvertantly neglected his needs and caused him to lash out I thought I could give him a second chance Now it seems she may be pregnant, she has left him several messages saying they need to talk that there is a problem, but she wont take his calls. So we don't know for sure. He tells me he will let her know he thinks she should have an abortion as it is not something he wants. But it really is her choice. I know I can't stay if she has his baby even though I love him too much to leave. I can't help but think she has planned this, I know in the heat of the moment you may not use a condom if you are on the pill. But if you arent a normal woman would get the morning after pill wouldn't they? pre the stair she was doing everything she could to get my husband to hate me, including calling his boss and saying I had abused her (she is a customer of his). So even though it wasnt planned by him I can't help but think she planned the whole thing. The worst part is that she can give him something I can't, he desperately wants kids but I most likely can't have them. He says he wants me not her, that he doesnt want her kid, but i vant help feel that he is lying. It was hard enough to try and deal with this affair before, but with the possibility of a child my head is telling me to run, and my heart is starting to agree, we could never move on if she is always there in our lives. I just can't believe he did this to me, I may have hurt him, but he never told me. I thought everything was fine until 6 months ago when he started a friendship with her and he became distant, I tried to find out what was wrong but he would never tell me, then we had a huge fight because she told his boss I abused her, which I didn't, and he ran to her. I guess i want opinions, should I stick by him no matter what, or wait to se what she wants to talk to him about and make a decision then. Does his reason sound genuine if he held onto these feelings so long?
ShatteredReality Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I would say the decision to stay with him would need to be based on you and him...if she is in fact pregnant would he be a part of the childs life? A friend of mine had several children with her husband...she had two, then he had an affair and got the OW pregnant...she stayed with him, though, and he worked out a custody arrangment with the OW during the pregnancy. It wasn't an easy situation at all - about a year after the baby was born, though, she had another baby with him and then had two more after that...so he's got the five with his wife and one from OW. He gets his son every other weekend and during vacations and such... It can be done...but you do need to choose whether or not you can handle the stresses that would come with the situation...
Darren Steez Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Everyone is to blame in this aren't they? You for not being there for your husband when his dad died, and this woman for luring him into bed then not using a condom when she forced him to have sex with her and forcing him to ejaculate inside her. Yes? Look your husband cheated, if he was really as cut up about you not being there when his dad died he should have come and talked to you but he didn't, he went and had sex with another woman, there is always an excuse with this guy and now you're making excuses for him as well. Two grown people had sex and potentially brought a living person into the world, now you may want her to get an abortion so you can erase the cheating and get back to your lives but actions have consequences, maybe she's not taking the calls because she knows your husband wants an abortion and she wants to keep it. Now you'll always have a reminder of his infidelity when you cant have kids of your own, maybe you're worried he'll eventually bond with the child and form a family with her? Who knows but if you don't get to the root of your problems, why he cheated, where you stand with him and if this lady continues with the pregnancy.
Author wrongedwife Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 What you said is really hurtful, I am trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings, and thought I should try a forum. I didn't expect people to take my side and tell me he is wrong I am right, I wanted some honest feedback and advise, not to be attacked. I know we need to get to the root of the problem. That is obvious. If I wanted to feel attacked I wouldn't have come here. I read several threads before joining and posting and thought these people are supportive, guess I was as wrong about that as I was about my choice of husband.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) Your husband created this mess, not you. Sure, you had a helping hand in the demise of the marriage, but HIM choosing to cheat is all on him. His justification is a crap reason, he chose to not talk to you and go outside of the marriage. HIS FAULT, not yours so don't let him put blame on you for that. Ever! With that said, he doesn't seem too remorseful of his cheating.. Has he given you passwords to his email? Allowed you access to his cell anytime you want to look/check up on him? How do you know for sure their A is completely over? Also, why would she be calling him to talk, then NOT take his calls? Sadly, I think your H isn't being completely honest with you. Get some counselling in to help you cope, talk to your friends and family too. I doubt this OW is going to abort her baby.. And she shouldn't be pressured by your H to do so. No decision has to be made yet, take time to figure things out, but can your marriage survive this by going to marriage counsellng with your H? Is he willing to go and work on himself/fix himself so he won't cheat again? Edited May 30, 2011 by whichwayisup
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 What your H has done is awful. Whether or not the OW intentionally got pregnant or if it was an accident doesn't matter now. Fact is, he cheated and took a chance by having sex! Please get yourself checked for STD's.. And once that baby is born, a paternity test to make sure the baby is infact, his! Sorry for your pain, I know you must be going through hell right now.. Please continue posting, more will reply as the day goes on..
StoneCold Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 but with the possibility of a child my head is telling me to run, and my heart is starting to agree, we could never move on if she is always there in our lives. Looks like you just answered your own question
scatterd Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I am so sorry for your pain this is truly one of the worst hurts.I think you and your husband need counseling to help you through this. Hopefully she is not pregnant what made him come to the conclusion that is what she wants. I don't know if she would talk to you but I would try just to hear the other side of this.you can get through this but it takes time and he will have to prove to you he can be trusted to never do this again. I wish you well hang in there and be true to yourself.
Author wrongedwife Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 I just want to explain why I feel she planned it, not necessarily getting pregnant, but planned to seduce him. First she would constantly call him, I feel this was to try and force me to confront him. Then her call to his boss saying I had abused her when I had never even spoken to her before then, like she was trying to turn him against me. She presented herself as a victim and someone who would be there, and painted me as a jealous vindictive wife. So when H and I had a substantial fight he ran to her. This is a woman that seems to follow a pattern, what little information I have of her is that at 28 she has been pregnant at least 7 times, had two miscarriages and 5 kids that live with her mother in another state, apparently she had her kids taken off her at some point, not all 5 of the kids have the same father. Having had so many pregnancies and your children taken it would seem to me a person would take precautions against pregnancy, condoms, morning after pill. Early on in their friendship pre affair, H told me that she has been involved with several MM, he was trying to help her as a friend through a break up with a MM. All this makes me think she planned it. I know H is not blameless, he could have said no, but this woman has a history, and tried her best to turn him against me. I do believe him when he said it happened once and tore him up, he was a different person in the two weeks after, very moody and angry at everything, that is what lead me to check his phone and find out what went on. But now he has locked his phones and won't give me the codes, I previously knew his email and computer passwords but he has changed them. I asked him why, he said it is because there are things he is not yet prepared to share. To protect me from pain. I told him I need truth not protection, but he is not ready to talk. I am not sure if that means he is hiding something more about the affair, or more affairs, or just that he is not prepared to share his feelings due to the hurt I caused him. I am gutted to know I could hurt someone I love that much and not even realise. I know it is not my fault he cheated, he chose to bottle his feelings up and go to her rather than me. But I can't help but feel responsible. I am being torn in so many directions emotionally. I just wish we knew what we wanted so we can get on with our lives, even if it means divorce, I just need to know, I would call her my self, but she must have gone through his phone and got my numbers as they have been blocked, found out when I tried to confront her before my H as I thought I would mor likely get the truth from her. Yet another of her actions that made me think she planned the affair. Thanks everyone for your advise so far, it is really helpful.
Author wrongedwife Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Also want to clarify the H wanting her to abort if she is in fact pregnant, he told me it is because though he desperately wants children he wants them with someone he loves not someone he made a terrible mistake with. I have let him know I won't pressure him or her in the decision as it is not mine to make, it is theirs. I haven't actually given him an opinion on this. When I found out they had unprotected sex I said I can't handle you having her child, that was two weeks ago before she said they have to talk. And during the first few days of my confronting him about it. My opinion is she should because why have another child if you can't take care of the 5 you already have, yes I would hate it if H had a kid to another woman when I probably can't have any, but I am not part of this decision, and have made it clear to him I know I am jot part of it. Once we know if this is the case, and once we know what she decides to do, we will work out if we can live with it. It really sucks that the father of unborn children have very little say in the situation. I keep hoping her wanting to talk is because her boyfriend wants to beat H up, or she wants him back, they are easier problems to handle.
John Michael Kane Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Wrongedwife you certainly are a wronged wife, along with an unremorseful husband who most likely knocked up somebody's woman. He didn't make a terrible mistake. If he didn't even want to get her pregnant, he would've at least wore rubbers on her. If he didn't even want this to happen at all, he would've never cheated on you. What both of them did was planned. She may have chased him and yes she knew he was married but who gave in? Who wanted it? Your husband did and without a thought on how it would destroy you. He probably planned to knock her up anyway, knowing that you could not bear him any kids. Instead of him separating or divorcing he chose to hurt you in one of the most damaging ways. This is in no way your fault and if you try and shoulder this crap he'll use it against you. You say you can probably live with this now, but lets see what you'll say in the future. There are even fewer people who stay with someone who knocked up someone else, than those who stay after someone cheated with no other children in the mix. You do not want to be stuck with a cheating husband, paying for somebody's child that's not yours. So sorry for the situation you're in.
Author wrongedwife Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Thank you for your thoughts John, even if they are the harsh truth, sometimes people need to hear that. You expressed some f the things I feel but don't want to admit to myself.
John Michael Kane Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Thank you for your thoughts John, even if they are the harsh truth, sometimes people need to hear that. You expressed some f the things I feel but don't want to admit to myself. You take care of yourself, ma'am.
D-Lish Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 That happened to me almost 10 years ago with my exH. He got another woman pregnant, and as a result, I left the marriage. For me personally, it was not something I could come to terms with. As hard as it was to leave, I knew it would be harder to stay. It was one of the hardest things I had to go through, but I don't have regrets now looking back. Our marriage hadn't been solid and we had been growing apart before it happened. I agree with what others are saying though- instead of being able to have an open conversation about feeling neglected, he choose to have an affair. You're not to blame for his affair- that lies solely on him. He made the choice to lash out in that manner. I am betting that if he had come to you during that time and told you how he felt, you would have listened to him and done what you could to help him. I'm sorry you are going through this, I've been there, and it's not easy. Your decision won't be an easy one, hopefully you will gain some insight and help from this forum to help you make your decision.
Author wrongedwife Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Thanks D-Lish. Wish I knew for sure what she wanted to talk to him about. We are just assuming pregnant, as it seems to make sense and given her past history (H was very open about their friendship until about 2 months ago, when believe it may have turned into an EA, so I know some of what she had been through in the past with other MM). She very well could not be pregnant, and is maybe trying to just get back in contact, or has an STD, or something. Has been three days since she said they had to talk, and still won't take his calls. I am just glad I have let H know that what ever happens I love him and will support him, even if I can't live with his decisions. I am going to try the 180 thing I have read about in other threads, wish i had known about that earlier, might have made the last two weeks a bit easier on both of us. I have known in my heart since the day I met him I wanted to be with him forever, i can forgive the infidelity, i know that. I just have to hope he feels the same, and nothing happens with OW that I am unable to live with despite my love for him. The waiting kills me, I want to know, so we/I can move forward one way or the other, just feel like I am in limbo at the moment. Sorry for all the long posts. I don't have anyone to talk to, we both decided not to tell family and friends as the extra stress of other people we are close to adding their two cents in won't help either of us until we know what is going to happen with us, it is unfair to make those closest to us choose a side, plus it will make things awkward if we do work it all out and stay together. So being able to post here is helpful in getting all those feelings off my chest.
D-Lish Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Thanks D-Lish. Wish I knew for sure what she wanted to talk to him about. We are just assuming pregnant, as it seems to make sense and given her past history (H was very open about their friendship until about 2 months ago, when believe it may have turned into an EA, so I know some of what she had been through in the past with other MM). She very well could not be pregnant, and is maybe trying to just get back in contact, or has an STD, or something. Has been three days since she said they had to talk, and still won't take his calls. I am just glad I have let H know that what ever happens I love him and will support him, even if I can't live with his decisions. I am going to try the 180 thing I have read about in other threads, wish i had known about that earlier, might have made the last two weeks a bit easier on both of us. I have known in my heart since the day I met him I wanted to be with him forever, i can forgive the infidelity, i know that. I just have to hope he feels the same, and nothing happens with OW that I am unable to live with despite my love for him. The waiting kills me, I want to know, so we/I can move forward one way or the other, just feel like I am in limbo at the moment. Sorry for all the long posts. I don't have anyone to talk to, we both decided not to tell family and friends as the extra stress of other people we are close to adding their two cents in won't help either of us until we know what is going to happen with us, it is unfair to make those closest to us choose a side, plus it will make things awkward if we do work it all out and stay together. So being able to post here is helpful in getting all those feelings off my chest. Oh wow, on top of everything else, you have nowhere to turn... Firstly, try marriage counselling- you'll need that to keep your sanity. You should consider one on one counselling as well. I'm sorry for everything you are going through- I was a mess when I found out. You have to find an outlet to talk about this, and my suggestion is to make sure you have some individual counselling to help you through this. Are you okay? You haven't talked about your feelings, you've been more focused on logistics. Wanna talk more about how you are feeling? I'm happy to listen and I know may others will be as well. Be warned, many people will tell you to leave him- It is an option, something to consider- that must have been something you have thought about after hearing the news. What's going on in your head? Play it out here- we're listening. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this, it hurts. I offer you a ((hug)). I know how you are feeling.
Author wrongedwife Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I feel shattered, like my world was turned upside down and inside out. Am no longer angry, got angry over and done with quickly. I am afraid I will get angry again, so am trying to not focus on what he did, but to try an focus on a future. Trying to decide what kind of future I want and if it involves him. My first instinct was to kick him out and cut all contact. But as I said before I knew from the day I met him he was the one, so I think I owe it to myself to try and make it work, not to him. There are times when all I can do is cry, I have spent many a lunch break in the loos on a different floor at work crying. I am not eating regularly, the thought of food makes me sick, and what I do eat goes right through me (TMI, I know, but highlights the stress I am feeling). I hardly sleep, I spend most of my nights staring at the ceiling, watching him sleep, or reading books, not that I could tell you what is going on in the books I have been reading. I wish we could take some time apart, seeing him hurts so much, but unfortunately our financial situation doesn't provide funds for a hotel, and since we are keeping it from friends and family one of us can't borrow a couch for a few days. Even though I want space, when he is gone I go crazy with worry (he visited his mum for a few days, the trip was planned pre dday and he hadn't seen her for a while so the trip went on as planned). I spend my days at work wondering if he has had contact, though recent events tell me he hasn't. I feel like a fool for wanting to stay with him, and for believing what he says now, but at the same time I know I'd feel like a fool if I just kicked him out without making an effort to save our marriage. I am being torn in so many directions emotionally, sometimes I don't know what I feel. To help cope I started writing down all my feelings when I feel them, I have found this to be very therapeutic, though it is yet to help me sort them out, at least I can express them in someway without causing more damage by yelling at him, or acting irrational. I was so ful of rage the day after Dday I stole his phone called her up and called her a whore, it felt good at the time, I even told H what i did and said as soon as I did it because I suspected she would do the same, which she did, from what H told me she exaggerated what I said, but since I got in first with telling him, he got to see that she lies! Which felt like a small victory. Petty, I know, but at the time it was what I needed to do, and I am a little ashamed to say it made me feel better, and vented a lot of the anger I felt, even if it may have been misdirected. Don't worry he got a serving too i didnt focus all my anger on the OW, he got a serving! about 3 days after dday H told me about the hurt he had been feeling that lead him on this path, the shock of hearing that floored me as much as discovering the affair. I asked him why if he had been so hurt he didn't share it earlier, if I had known he was that unhappy, I would have done something about it! We could have been rebuilding our marriage before it got to crisis point! He said he felt he couldn't tell me, which again floored me. And made me feel sick that I could have hurt him so much and not realize it, made me feel like such a terrible person for being so blind to his pain for so long. All I wanted to do at that point was throw myself in front of a bus or a train, but that would have been selfish, but the urge was very strong, it took all my strength not to. There have been days since then when that is all I have wanted to do, but I know that is a very selfish thing to do, and I couldn't cause my family that pain. My heart is so broken I sometimes think it will never heal. Ther are times I feel so bad about the pain I caused him I feel I don't deserve to heal. I know that no matter what he was feeling about us, cheating was the wring way to deal with it, and though I am sure I can forgive the cheating, I am not sure I can forgive him for not coming to me sooner. He knows the face he turned to her for support hurts me more than the physical aspect of the affair. I am worried that though I can forgive him, he can't forgive himself, I truly believe him when he says he regretted it, he changed after it happened, and not just towards me, he was distracted at work and his bosses noticed, he snapped at co workers, was justbin general angry atbthe world, it showed. It got so bad at his work that he had to tell them what was happening because ofvthe change in his attitude and huge dip in productivity. That is why I believe him when he says he is sorry, and is remorseful, he was showing signs of regret before he was even found out. I just worry he will never forgive himself, and that makes me so sad. I would love to talk to a friend, but all my friends are his friends, and as I said I feel it is unfair to involve them till we know 100% what we are going to do. And not to protect him, it is hard to sort a private matter publicly. And friends shouldn't have to choose sides it is unfair to our friends and family. Plus it is a little embarrassing to admit you want to stay with a cheating partner. Believe me if I had a friend that was just my friend I would be pestering them all day with my feelings, insecurities and irrationality. I have thought about therapy, but I think it is all a load of crap, if I can't start sorting my self out soonish though, I will definitely give it more serious consideration. Sorry for another long post!
Author wrongedwife Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 She told his boss I had called her a slut and a few other things, at that point I had never called her, spoken to her or even seen her, the only time I have was when I called her after finding out about the affair and called her a whore. H knew about all the children, as I said they had been friends, he doesnt know why her children live with her mother interstate, she wouldn't tell him. All he knew was that she couldn't see them. I am assuming they have been taken from her, I don't know any mother that would be willing to live in another state from her children, we don't have a poor job market here, she could easily get a job closer to the kids. I could completely have the wrong end of the stick with that, but the fact she would share that her 5 kids live with their grandma but not why seems sus, then again, I am not fond of her so will think the worst. I did actually think about adopting the child should she actually be pregnant, it is an option. But it is not my choice, I don't have a choice if she is pregnant. My H and her have to make that decision. And I think I am being very reasonable, even though it hurts so much, in letting him know if that is the case to not consider me when talking about the options with het, have let him know it is their decision, just keep me in the loop as it affects me also. But she won't talk to him, so we don't know. I know H would be devastated if she had the child and it went to her mother like her other children, I don't know how I would feel, probably a little selfishly relieved that he wouldn't have to see her, but sad for him that access to his child would be limited. Though before all this happened we had been talking about moving to the city her mother is in late next year, so if that was the case he would get to see his child. If we were still together that is. I am no longer positive that I cannot stay with him if they have a child, I might be able to do it, though that is a discussion we will leave for when we know what is happening, no point potentially having that argument before it is a reality. All I can do is weigh up possible scenarios and see if it is the case what I will be able to cope with, be prepared for the worst as best I can be. H said something interesting today, I txted him asking if he had been able to speak to her because if she is pregnant and abortion is something they want they are running out of time as it is only legal up to 5 weeks (5 weeks is the limit here unless there are medical reasons then you have up to 20 weeks), he replied with "there are plenty of places that will terminate up to 20 weeks, sighting mental issues as a medical reason, don't worry I have done research and even made phone calls", made me wonder about her, seriously wonder. I hate to say it but no one here including me can really judge her, none of us know her, I only know a few things he shared with me when their friendship was just that, a friendship, and a few details regarding how it all came to happen (I stupidly asked, I shouldn't have, I didn't need the mental image). For all we know she is perfectly normal person who made a few wrong choices, I just am not too happy about her existence and am probably painting a worse picture of her than necessary. Hmm maybe I am healing already, I have gone from wanting her dead to kind of feeling sad for her, I think that is progress in the right direction!
bentnotbroken Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Looks like you just answered your own question She certainly did.
PhoenixRise Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Wrongedwife I want you to think really long and really hard about the fact that your husband never mentioned all of this supposed hurt he felt you caused him after his father's death until AFTER you discovered he had betrayed you in the worst way possible. Then I want you to look up the term "gaslighting" At this point, you can not accept his version of reality without questioning it. Think about what you know for sure is true. Is it true that you didn't support him when he was grieving for his father? Not talking about what he says he feels. I'm Talking about what you actually did. I am willing to bet that you were VERY supportive of him and his family when his father died. And even if he feels that you didn't do enough (it is possible that it was impossible to do enough) whatever you did or didn't do doesn't equal the kind of betrayal he dished out to you 18 months later. Don't allow him to make the two situations equivalent. All that would accomplish is that your pain at his deliberate betrayal never gets dealt with. And he never has to take responsibility for his own actions. Think very hard about the fact that he is now actively hiding things from you. He has locked his phone and you no longer have access to his emails, passwords, etc. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. There is more going on with this OW than you are aware of. Within two weeks you decided you would forgive him and work on the marriage? And now you are thinking that maybe you can accept the existence of a child in spite of the fact that you probably can't have children of your own? Really? I get that this is so hard for you and that your feelings are all over the place. I know how much you must be hurting and I even understand that you probably just want your life to go back to normal, but I think what you are doing now is going to blow up in your face and cause you more pain down the road. Your husband betrayed your trust in the worst possible way. He shouldn't even have the option of locking his phone or having private passwords. For the chance to try to win you back he should be volunteering complete transparency. What have you required from him from you to stay in the marriage? Anything?
Author wrongedwife Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I think I am going to leave my husband, I thought we could get through this. Then I had a feeling he was lieing to me, hiding something big. I discovered the pin code to his phone and checked his messages, he sent her several messages over the past few days (he knew I was no longer checking his online phone records) professing his love for her and talking about meeting up with her. I confronted him about this, he said he was doing it to find out if she was pregnant or not, and that she stood him up. He got very angry and we had a very huge fight in which he threatened me with physical violence. I was truly afraid he would hit me. I was so scared of losing him I convinced him to stay and talk, he revealed more lies! And told me that he has feelings for her and was hurt that I had asked him not to see her anymore. He didn't seem to think it was fair that I should want him to cut contact withsomeone he had known 16 years. I am his wife damn it, how can her friendship be more important to him than his marriage? I explained why I asked him to cut contact, even though it is friggen obvious, he didn't seem to accept that as a reasonable excuse. He says he wants to stay with me, but he needs to figure out what he feels, how can he expect me to wait to see who he loves more? Or who can give him the better deal. He said his heart is torn between two people, one he loves deeply (apparently me) and one he cares for who might have his baby. I know now the lieing won't stop. He will never let me in. He is so angry at me, when he was the one who cheated! He is acting like ther person who was wronged, like I betrayed him, sure I shouldn't have looked in his phone without asking, but he wouldn't have let me if I asked. My snooping is a much smaller betrayal than his, but he is acting as if I am the one who made all the mistakes. I dint even think he is sorry. He is so focused on how he feels he is forgetting how he betrayed my trust. I was to distraught to go to work today, am going to take today to really think. Then have a talk to him about it all on the weekend. I have a feeling that after the weekend I will be a single woman. I can't live with his lies anymore, his hiding things. And if he really told her he loves her just to find out if she is pregnant, what kind of man is he? I can't believe I spent 10 years with this man and didn't know his capacity to lie. Was so blind to the person he was. My heart is saying stay and work it out, but my brain is telling me to leave before my heat gets broken even more. I fear that if i follow my heart I will live to regret it. I am just so scared to go it alone, I will have to file for bankruptcy because of all the debts in my name I have because of him. Without anyone to help me throu all this, my parents live in another state, and while it sounds self serving I am 1 year away from getting long service leave from my job so I don't want to lose that, have worked hard at my job for almost 10 years for that, I don't want to throw it away (it is 2 months of paid leave on top of regular leave entitlement) but I don't know if I can do this alone. I just don't know what to do.
John Michael Kane Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I think I am going to leave my husband, I thought we could get through this. Then I had a feeling he was lieing to me, hiding something big. I discovered the pin code to his phone and checked his messages, he sent her several messages over the past few days (he knew I was no longer checking his online phone records) professing his love for her and talking about meeting up with her. I confronted him about this, he said he was doing it to find out if she was pregnant or not, and that she stood him up. He got very angry and we had a very huge fight in which he threatened me with physical violence. I was truly afraid he would hit me. I was so scared of losing him I convinced him to stay and talk, he revealed more lies! And told me that he has feelings for her and was hurt that I had asked him not to see her anymore. He didn't seem to think it was fair that I should want him to cut contact withsomeone he had known 16 years. I am his wife damn it, how can her friendship be more important to him than his marriage? I explained why I asked him to cut contact, even though it is friggen obvious, he didn't seem to accept that as a reasonable excuse. He says he wants to stay with me, but he needs to figure out what he feels, how can he expect me to wait to see who he loves more? Or who can give him the better deal. He said his heart is torn between two people, one he loves deeply (apparently me) and one he cares for who might have his baby. I know now the lieing won't stop. He will never let me in. He is so angry at me, when he was the one who cheated! He is acting like ther person who was wronged, like I betrayed him, sure I shouldn't have looked in his phone without asking, but he wouldn't have let me if I asked. My snooping is a much smaller betrayal than his, but he is acting as if I am the one who made all the mistakes. I dint even think he is sorry. He is so focused on how he feels he is forgetting how he betrayed my trust. I was to distraught to go to work today, am going to take today to really think. Then have a talk to him about it all on the weekend. I have a feeling that after the weekend I will be a single woman. I can't live with his lies anymore, his hiding things. And if he really told her he loves her just to find out if she is pregnant, what kind of man is he? I can't believe I spent 10 years with this man and didn't know his capacity to lie. Was so blind to the person he was. My heart is saying stay and work it out, but my brain is telling me to leave before my heat gets broken even more. I fear that if i follow my heart I will live to regret it. I am just so scared to go it alone, I will have to file for bankruptcy because of all the debts in my name I have because of him. Without anyone to help me throu all this, my parents live in another state, and while it sounds self serving I am 1 year away from getting long service leave from my job so I don't want to lose that, have worked hard at my job for almost 10 years for that, I don't want to throw it away (it is 2 months of paid leave on top of regular leave entitlement) but I don't know if I can do this alone. I just don't know what to do. Get out now. And the next time he threatens you please call the police.
StarChick Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 He got very angry and we had a very huge fight in which he threatened me with physical violence. I was truly afraid he would hit me. I was so scared of losing him I convinced him to stay and talk, You see the problem with this statement, right? After he did that, I would think you would WANT to lose him. Love doesn't hurt. Love shouldn't hurt. Not like this. Not physically or emotionally. You know what you need to do. And I'm so very sorry you have to. Best wishes and luck to you. ((((HUGS))) Stay strong, honey.
carrie999 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I just want to explain why I feel she planned it, not necessarily getting pregnant, but planned to seduce him. First she would constantly call him, I feel this was to try and force me to confront him. Then her call to his boss saying I had abused her when I had never even spoken to her before then, like she was trying to turn him against me. She presented herself as a victim and someone who would be there, and painted me as a jealous vindictive wife. So when H and I had a substantial fight he ran to her. This is a woman that seems to follow a pattern, what little information I have of her is that at 28 she has been pregnant at least 7 times, had two miscarriages and 5 kids that live with her mother in another state, apparently she had her kids taken off her at some point, not all 5 of the kids have the same father. Having had so many pregnancies and your children taken it would seem to me a person would take precautions against pregnancy, condoms, morning after pill. Early on in their friendship pre affair, H told me that she has been involved with several MM, he was trying to help her as a friend through a break up with a MM. All this makes me think she planned it. I know H is not blameless, he could have said no, but this woman has a history, and tried her best to turn him against me. I do believe him when he said it happened once and tore him up, he was a different person in the two weeks after, very moody and angry at everything, that is what lead me to check his phone and find out what went on. But now he has locked his phones and won't give me the codes, I previously knew his email and computer passwords but he has changed them. I asked him why, he said it is because there are things he is not yet prepared to share. To protect me from pain. I told him I need truth not protection, but he is not ready to talk. I am not sure if that means he is hiding something more about the affair, or more affairs, or just that he is not prepared to share his feelings due to the hurt I caused him. I am gutted to know I could hurt someone I love that much and not even realise. I know it is not my fault he cheated, he chose to bottle his feelings up and go to her rather than me. But I can't help but feel responsible. I am being torn in so many directions emotionally. I just wish we knew what we wanted so we can get on with our lives, even if it means divorce, I just need to know, I would call her my self, but she must have gone through his phone and got my numbers as they have been blocked, found out when I tried to confront her before my H as I thought I would mor likely get the truth from her. Yet another of her actions that made me think she planned the affair. Thanks everyone for your advise so far, it is really helpful. I'm ignoring the rest (though I feel for you) and focusing on the bolded part. What happened after his father died? Do you feel you were not there for him? How did things progress? Ignoring the affair, was there alienation between you?
Fugu Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband recently cheated. I was prepared to forgive him and move on, he said it was because I had hurt him by not being there as much as ne needed when his father passed away 18 months ago. I had no idea he felt this way unrolled after I found out about the cheating. So since it was because I had inadvertantly neglected his needs and caused him to lash out I thought I could give him a second chance Now it seems she may be pregnant, she has left him several messages saying they need to talk that there is a problem, but she wont take his calls. So we don't know for sure. He tells me he will let her know he thinks she should have an abortion as it is not something he wants. But it really is her choice. I know I can't stay if she has his baby even though I love him too much to leave. I can't help but think she has planned this, I know in the heat of the moment you may not use a condom if you are on the pill. But if you arent a normal woman would get the morning after pill wouldn't they? pre the stair she was doing everything she could to get my husband to hate me, including calling his boss and saying I had abused her (she is a customer of his). So even though it wasnt planned by him I can't help but think she planned the whole thing. The worst part is that she can give him something I can't, he desperately wants kids but I most likely can't have them. He says he wants me not her, that he doesnt want her kid, but i vant help feel that he is lying. It was hard enough to try and deal with this affair before, but with the possibility of a child my head is telling me to run, and my heart is starting to agree, we could never move on if she is always there in our lives. I just can't believe he did this to me, I may have hurt him, but he never told me. I thought everything was fine until 6 months ago when he started a friendship with her and he became distant, I tried to find out what was wrong but he would never tell me, then we had a huge fight because she told his boss I abused her, which I didn't, and he ran to her. I guess i want opinions, should I stick by him no matter what, or wait to se what she wants to talk to him about and make a decision then. Does his reason sound genuine if he held onto these feelings so long? No, get the hell out of this now while you can. I don't automatically advocate leaving someone after cheating, but this is a time when one should. You're married and presumably don't have kids yourselves...why wait for him to have one with another woman? He's just a right schmuck, that guy. Find someone else. ETA: just saw the part where you said he threatened you with violence and there was a huge fight between you two. This guy is a narcissistic cock. He believes he's entitled to things, and when he doesn't get them, he goes off. He expects you to tolerate it. The best thing you can do is not tolerate it. Move out and move on.
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