OriginalPenguin Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 So my GF of six months has revealed to me that she is convinced that a friend of mine that goes way back does not like her. To be fair to both parties, I have known my friend for a very long time and I love him like a brother but he can be a bit of a tool. He can get really negative and if hes not having a good time will complain a lot. I myself have had falling outs with him in the past but like family, we still keep in touch. And to the first point, my GF and I have had talks about this and she really is convinced that he looks down on her or something. I have tried to convince her that it's all in her head but she is really hung up on this notion. This bothers me at times and at other times I think "Meh, so what, not every body gets along" What I am not crazy about is having to either avoid things that he will inevitably want me to do or just go alone; neither sounds very appealing to me. Has anyone been through something similar and if so, what's my best move here?
BobSacamento Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Have a talk with him. Ask him what he thinks of your GF. That is what I would do. If he doesn't have a problem with her than he probably is just taking his rage out on her because he can. Next time tell him not to talk to her like she's a piece of crap. You could do that or tell him to go to therapy.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Express to her that you understand he can be a tool, but you accept him as a good friend in spite of his flaws. Let her know you see her side and understand, and hope she can do the same for you. Then reassure her that he will never intrude or interfere in your relationship. And don't let him. Be patient if she expresses frustration with him from time to time, and repeat the above. Eventually, she will realize he is no threat, and let it go.
Sabali Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Has anyone been through something similar and if so, what's my best move here? Yes, I had a similar situation years back with two situations being the most significant since one of them was a very close friend and the other still is. The first buddy of mine was killed but the other one is still one of my best friends. The two women that I dated that had problems with them (relatively) are long out of my life while my other buddy still has my back with fierce loyalty. I even stood up in his wedding.
Dust Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 My girlfriend also finds some of my good friends annoying. Really though that’s not going to stop me from hanging out with them. I don’t enjoy all of her friends either.
GG3 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Yes I have been the girlfriend in the same situation. Like someone else said here, I would ask your friend how he feels about your gf. Next time you are all hanging out, pay attention to how your friend treats her. It may be all in her head, but it is how she feels.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Thanks for the tips everyone. Yes I have been the girlfriend in the same situation. Like someone else said here, I would ask your friend how he feels about your gf. Next time you are all hanging out, pay attention to how your friend treats her. It may be all in her head, but it is how she feels. I have talked to my friend, and he really does not have any problems with her. She doesn't want to hang out with him (or his wife) at all and it's difficult for me because they are good friends, although they CAN both be hard to take sometimes. To be honest I have found myself not liking being around them at times, so I can understand. She is really convinced that they don't like her and I just don't know how many times I can say "It's all in your head"
GG3 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 In my situation, for almost 5 years, me and his friends (a married couple) never really "clicked." I hung out with them all the time but it really wore on our relationship. How much do you hang out with them each week? It's not possible to spend time with them without your gf? In my situation, I never even considered asking my ex to not being friends with that married couple. They went way back too. Of course I wanted to spend lots of time with my ex and would have preferred to be with him, but if he would have been willing to let me do my own thing sometimes instead of always hang out with them with him, I would have been much happier I think. What wore me down, is that I felt that the married couple did not like me (and am pretty certain they didn't in my case) and I gradually did not feel good about myself. And not feeling good about yourself...well I started to feel unhappy all the time and just felt like "nobody liked me" and I wasn't always in the best mood anymore. Do you guys have other friends to hang out with too? Some friends that you both mutually like? I think that helps too.
BobSacamento Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Thanks for the tips everyone. I have talked to my friend, and he really does not have any problems with her. She doesn't want to hang out with him (or his wife) at all and it's difficult for me because they are good friends, although they CAN both be hard to take sometimes. To be honest I have found myself not liking being around them at times, so I can understand. She is really convinced that they don't like her and I just don't know how many times I can say "It's all in your head" Some people just like to play the victim. Since you have confronted your friend about it I think you did your duty. It is now her responsibility to fight her own battles. If you have her back she should be able to stand up for herself.
zengirl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 A lot of it depends on what the truth of it is. I would say it's well within your rights to ask him to be kind to her, and if he doesn't, that's a different kettle of fish than if he is. If he's truly a friend, he'll be kind to a gal you really care about who could be a potential life-partner for you. I don't know what about them is "hard to take" so I'm not sure the truth of it. I also don't know how often you bring her around them. I could tolerate just about anyone who wasn't outwardly awful to me for a BF if I saw them around once in awhile in big groups or whatnot---less so, if they were around 24/7. There was only one instance where I've ever asked a guy to stop hanging around someone, and it wasn't a close friend. And it was a guy who actively tried to break us up. So, as a rule, I'd never ask a guy to stop being friends with someone. HOWEVER, I will balk at spending too much time with someone who is unkind to me or treats me uncomfortably. And any good friend who's frequently and outwardly rude to me in front of my BF is going to be someone I refuse to spend ANY time with unless he can get them in line. So a lot of it depends on what makes them "hard to take" really.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 How much do you hang out with them each week? It's not possible to spend time with them without your gf? ... Do you guys have other friends to hang out with too? Some friends that you both mutually like? I think that helps too. We really do not hang out that much anymore, but when I was single and with a prior GF we saw each other more often. That is part of the situation really, these guys don't have much in common with my girl and it clashes sometimes. For my part, I can get along in different situations but the other elements (my GF and this couple) are much less compatible. For example, these friends of mine are heavy drinkers and smokers. My girlfriend is neither. They would rather sit in a corner bar and drink all night. Me and her would rather go dancing, see a band or just chill and watch a movie, etc. She is a real "girly girl" and they are sort of crass. In fact the last time we were out I got ticked off at them myself, because they KNOW that she doesn't smoke and would rather not be bathed in it all night yet they bring an ashtray over and start puffing away, I had to tell them to go someplace else. See, I can see both sides of it because even tho they are friends I am fully aware of the way they act sometimes, and we have had falling outs as well. It's a really old friendship that has been on and off. That is what I meant about "a bit hard to take". It's not like they are insulting her all the time or something, they are just very different people than what she is used to. And I don't blame her for being uncomfortable around them but I just wish I had a magic wand I could wave to fix it. As it sits now I feel like I have to either make excuses when they invite us somewhere, or show up by myself. I don't want it to get to some weird situation where they start to wonder why she never comes with and before you know it THEY are the ones saying "Why doesn't she like us"? Ugh.
BobSacamento Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Dude, every time you post something about this chick it makes her sound worse and worse. I have to honest and say she sounds like a pain in the ass princess. I mean going to a bar and complaining about smoke...holy crap. And to add to that she doesn't drink...the more I read the more you are truly telling my worst nightmare.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Dude, every time you post something about this chick it makes her sound worse and worse. I have to honest and say she sounds like a pain in the ass princess. I mean going to a bar and complaining about smoke...holy crap. And to add to that she doesn't drink...the more I read the more you are truly telling my worst nightmare. Every time? I am confused, I have not even said much about her. You must be thinking of somebody else... As far as drinking, I never said she doesn't drink. I said she is not a HEAVY drinker. There is a big difference between just sitting at a bar and pounding drinks until you are inebriated and having a few. I fall somewhere between the two, I can be happy pounding them or just having a few so I can fit into either camp. And she didn't complain about the smoke, it was ME that complained. And I also smoke, but out of respect for non smokers I will not smoke around them. As far as I am concerned, there is no such thing as majority when it comes to forcing other people to breath in toxic fumes and it is common courtesy to go someplace else with it.
zengirl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It seems like these are friends you're starting to outgrow, and her dislike of them is perhaps affecting and magnifying that situation. Anyway, the smoke thing I see from her POV, but that's because I get really sick if I inhale too much 2nd hand smoke. I don't care what people do, but smoking in my face---no thanks. I'd just tell someone it makes me sick, though, and go elsewhere if I had to (though any BF that didn't follow me and understand that wouldn't be my BF for long). As to heavy drinking, I guess it depends if she is prissy about it just not her thing. It sounds like she just sort of amplifies the things you see in them that you wish weren't there, and perhaps they do the same for her? I don't think there's much you CAN do about it but navigate the best you can.
Author OriginalPenguin Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 It seems like these are friends you're starting to outgrow, and her dislike of them is perhaps affecting and magnifying that situation. It sounds like she just sort of amplifies the things you see in them that you wish weren't there, and perhaps they do the same for her? I don't think there's much you CAN do about it but navigate the best you can. Outgrowing them...that is an interesting take that I had not thought of. While I think they will always be friends, the desire to hang out with them has been decreasing even before I met my current GF. So you may be on to something there.
mtber75 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Major red flag of insecurity if she worries too much about what others think of her! Your best friend might be telling you something here...like run!
GG3 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I think zengirl is onto something. My ex's friends were heavy drinkers. I just wanted a couple of drinks for the night. Also, the wife didn't work and her husband was very alpha-male in his relationship. I worked an engineer job and I expected to be treated equal. Is it possible to make up some excuse if you hang out with them and she isn't there? "Cindy" signed up for this evening class a few nights a week.... Or signed up for a bowling league or some sort of lessons. Very similar to what me and my ex went through. He refused to allow me to not go to these outings. It really hurt the relationship. Of course I don't fully know your situation, but in mine I am pretty certain that his friends never really liked me. In fact on one trip we took, the wife screamed about it on the trip, lol.
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