don't judge me

[Kariva]

Let me just say I have never done anything like this before. I am married and met a married man online through a game. He pursued me alot. He and I are both Christians and have alot in common. Initially, I turned him down and then began to fall for him. I've never met him and this emotional affair has only lasted two months or longer, I'm not sure. We've talked on the phone alot. My marriage has been to a verbally abusive man so this new man has really helped me boost my self esteem. I've fallen for him. I know he feels the same although we have never said we love eachother.

 

He told me about two weeks his wife was becoming suspicious and said "you aren't here anymore, you are some place far away, aren't you". My husband would never suspect anything.

 

Yesterday, he resigned from the game and said his wife found our texts and asked him to choose. He said he had to resign and told her she could have full access to his texts. I didn't get that message right away so started a new game. He played once and said he was sorry but he promised his wife he would have no contact with me.

 

I them resigned from the game and haven't contacted him since. I don't plan on it. I'm not sure if he will call me or not once the long weekend is over. He would always call from work so she wouldn't find out.

 

I certainly didn't expect this to hurt so much! I haven't slept since it happened. That was yesterday. I tried to nap today and woke up when I started dreaming about him.

 

Is this normal? Do you think he will contact me this week by phone? I'm just so hurt he ended it via text message. It felt like I was punched in the stomach. Is this normal?

 

Thanks for any insight you have.

[bentnotbroken]

Read your bible.

[OldOnTheInside]

If you are with an abusive husband, having an affair is one of the least intelligent things to do. Just saying.

 

Do you have any kids?

How long have you been married?

 

If you have told your H that he is verbally abusive to you, and he has not made any effort to change, I would recommend separation if possible.

[Kariva]

I've been married for 25 years. I've talked to my husband over the years about his abuse and he will get better for awhile and then revert back to his old ways. My kids are grown. I have 3 and 2 of them are getting married and leaving home this year.

[whichwayisup]

Let me just say I have never done anything like this before. I am married and met a married man online through a game. He pursued me alot. He and I are both Christians and have alot in common. Initially, I turned him down and then began to fall for him. I've never met him and this emotional affair has only lasted two months or longer, I'm not sure. We've talked on the phone alot. My marriage has been to a verbally abusive man so this new man has really helped me boost my self esteem. I've fallen for him. I know he feels the same although we have never said we love eachother.

 

He told me about two weeks his wife was becoming suspicious and said "you aren't here anymore, you are some place far away, aren't you". My husband would never suspect anything.

 

Yesterday, he resigned from the game and said his wife found our texts and asked him to choose. He said he had to resign and told her she could have full access to his texts. I didn't get that message right away so started a new game. He played once and said he was sorry but he promised his wife he would have no contact with me.

 

I them resigned from the game and haven't contacted him since. I don't plan on it. I'm not sure if he will call me or not once the long weekend is over. He would always call from work so she wouldn't find out.

 

I certainly didn't expect this to hurt so much! I haven't slept since it happened. That was yesterday. I tried to nap today and woke up when I started dreaming about him.

 

Is this normal? Do you think he will contact me this week by phone? I'm just so hurt he ended it via text message. It felt like I was punched in the stomach. Is this normal?

 

Thanks for any insight you have.

 

You have to respect his decision to end things with you. If you care about him and what is best for him, let him go.

 

He isn't going to contact you, he chose his wife. She told him to choose and he did. Sorry, I know it hurts but reality is, what you two shared is over.

 

My suggestion is for you to seek some counselling to help you get strong, gain confidence so you can divorce your husband. You aren't happy being married to an abusive man.

[Kariva]

You should get divorced from your abusive husband.

 

Then, find a real live man to love, who is not already in a relationship.

 

Easier said than done. Everybody thinks he is wonderful and I have always been a stay at home Mom so I have no money. I am going back to college in the fall to get some indeoendence, but after being married for 25 years, I wouldn't even know how to leave him.

[Kariva]

Also, I feel like him dumping me via text messaging was an awful thing to do.

[FightClub]

Kariva,

 

I wouldn't fault you for what you are feeling and where things have progressed for and how they apparently have ended. I want to present to a slightly alternate perspective, I am a single man whoa met a married woman the same age as of myself through an online game.

 

( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253073/ ) <---My story

 

 

I can tell you when we met, it was as penpals and it grew over the course of a year. Once we met in person all the fantasy we talked about became a reality, we fell for each other that night and it ended seven months ago.

 

We met each other when we both vulnerable but I couldn't see it in the moment.

 

The pain was immense when it ended and I can guarantee you that the pain will be multiplied if it went from a emotional affair and then a physical affair, you may not like the person you become in the end.

 

It's a vicious cycle that will leave you up and down until you step off the roller coaster.

 

It could get much worse before it gets better, I know it must hurt even more wondering 'what could have been,' but he made a choice, honor that choice, respect his wishes...and walk away.

 

Work on yourself and find why you chose to step away from the marriage and take actions to make a decision, work with therapists & counselors to find the best possible option to live a happier life.

 

All the best !

 

-FC

[Kariva]

What also pisses me off is I did not pursue him. He pursued me alot. Now I'm the one left hurting Do you think he is hurting too?

[whichwayisup]

Easier said than done. Everybody thinks he is wonderful and I have always been a stay at home Mom so I have no money. I am going back to college in the fall to get some indeoendence, but after being married for 25 years, I wouldn't even know how to leave him.

 

You can get a job. Any job, in retail or something.. You can learn.

 

Plus, if you and your H divorce, there will be ailmony because of the length of marriage, plus dividing up the house and other finances. Just because you didn't work, doesn't mean he is off the hook with $$. You raised your kids and gave up a career.

 

It doesn't matter what others think of him, they only see what he shows them, and from the outside. They have no clue what goes on behind closed doors.

 

Do some counselling to help you get strong.

[BB07]

You have to respect his decision to end things with you. If you care about him and what is best for him, let him go.

 

He isn't going to contact you, he chose his wife. She told him to choose and he did. Sorry, I know it hurts but reality is, what you two shared is over.

 

My suggestion is for you to seek some counselling to help you get strong, gain confidence so you can divorce your husband. You aren't happy being married to an abusive man.

 

 

This is great advice! You should consult an abuse hotline to find some help and they will start helping you with a plan to leave if that is what you want.

[whichwayisup]

Also, I feel like him dumping me via text messaging was an awful thing to do.

 

Yes it was..And he has no balls to call you and end it.. But, seeing as you both are married and it was an online affair, he doesn't "owe" you. I know it hurts..Yet he has lied to his wife and done stuff behind her back, he treated her poorly so to think he would treat you any better than her is unfounded.

 

Be glad it was only a few months and not years. Keep busy and focus on other things in your life.

[whichwayisup]

What also pisses me off is I did not pursue him. He pursued me alot. Now I'm the one left hurting Do you think he is hurting too?

 

Maybe, depends on how emotionally attached he got to you.

 

He pursued you, though you didn't say no... Each of you have your part in this online affair, so don't put all the blame on him.

[OldOnTheInside]

Easier said than done. Everybody thinks he is wonderful and I have always been a stay at home Mom so I have no money. I am going back to college in the fall to get some indeoendence, but after being married for 25 years, I wouldn't even know how to leave him.

 

Since your children are at an age where they can take care of themselves, I would presume that you have a lot of free time, right?

 

To start off with, you should consider getting a job in retail, the service industry, or manual labour. The pay isn't good but you don't need any strenuous qualifications (it's the realm of college students so you should fit right in). Save up your earnings in a hidden account.

 

Can you live with your friends or family for a little while? Or maybe the church can offer you shelter.

 

If you see a divorce lawyer, note that your H's verbal abuse can be used against him. Maybe you should record what he says to you.

 

You should get enough money from a divorce settlment to survive for a while.

 

Man, this is a depressing afternoon...

[fooled once]

Own your part. You keep stating he pursued you...online!!! You had choices. You chose to log in. You easily could have said no. But you didn't. You are just as guilty as he is. Owm it.

 

As for being dumped via text....you yourself said you never met him. Maybe he didn't want to have to deal with you crying, begging or yelling at him? Who knows. The only good thing he has done was to end it.

 

I suggest professional counseling. So you have been a SAHM even after your kids have grown up? Part of the issue is you have no goals, no plans for yourself. Get involved with something so you don't have time to be playing games online.

[Kariva]

Thanks so much for all of the replies especially from the online gamer

 

I know I could get a job. I do have a photography business that is part time that I love. My husband built a studio in my basement for me. Financially he has given me everything I want and I'm not sure if I want to give everything up. I know I need counseling. I was online the other day looking for a counselor. I know if I met the right person, I would have an affair. I know you all probably think I'm a bad person now. I'm really not.

 

If I left my husband, it would kill my parents and kids. They would never forgive me. I told my husband a week or so ago I want out. He's been trying once again to be nice. I just feel there is more to life than this. Now I am hurting. I won't contact the mm again because I respect his wishes, but it hurts alot. I am an attractive woman and have kept myself in good shape.

 

I just want the hurt to go away. I'm so confused.

[Kariva]

Own your part. You keep stating he pursued you...online!!! You had choices. You chose to log in. You easily could have said no. But you didn't. You are just as guilty as he is. Owm it.

 

As for being dumped via text....you yourself said you never met him. Maybe he didn't want to have to deal with you crying, begging or yelling at him? Who knows. The only good thing he has done was to end it.

 

I suggest professional counseling. So you have been a SAHM even after your kids have grown up? Part of the issue is you have no goals, no plans for yourself. Get involved with something so you don't have time to be playing games online.

 

Actually I am a professional photographer with a part time business and as I stated before, I am going back to school in the fall. I knew you guys would think I am a loser, I am sorry.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure if they knew how he abused you they wouldn't be upset, they would be happier for you to know that you aren't suffering anymore.

 

Does he hit you? or is it emotional abuse?

 

Your kids must have known and seen his behaviour. Picked up on vibes growing up and if he has a temper, I'm betting all your kids have seen it or heard him yelling. After 25 years of marriage, especially in an abusive one, you should be getting support from your family and kids, not disappointment.

[Breezy Trousers]

You should get divorced from your abusive husband.

 

Then, find a real live man to love, who is not already in a relationship.

 

I agree with Kriss, but it's easier said than done.

 

You're deep in love fog. Most of us here probably won't support love fog, but we are here to support you.

 

Is it possible you were hoping MM would rescue you? No one can do that but you. You can find your power again, but it requires support. I understand how difficult it can be to leave an abusive marriage, but many do. You have other choices available to you besides infidelity, which is like pouring oil on a fire.

 

Infidelity is an especially dangerous choice for women with abusive husbands. You could have endangered yourself and others. MM did you a favor.

 

I hope you follow the advice here and get support -- come here to LS and read our experiences with affairs, get into therapy, find a support group, read books about these topics to make yourself more aware, and stay in no contact.

 

You're doing the right thing by coming here and sharing.

[whichwayisup]

Actually I am a professional photographer with a part time business and as I stated before, I am going back to school in the fall. I knew you guys would think I am a loser, I am sorry.

 

STOP IT! NOONE thinks you're a loser. Stop putting yourself down. You are doing this to yourself.

 

Therapy has to happen so you can gain self confidence and learn to not worry so much what others think. Put yourself first in the sense of not caring what outsiders think or feel about you and your life.

 

Work on your photography. Do freelance..See if any local newspapers or magazines, even the free newspapers if you have them in your City are accepting freelance photo's. If this is your passion and you're good at it, then make it into a job!!

[OldOnTheInside]

I knew you guys would think I am a loser, I am sorry.

You're making it an even more depressing afternoon.

 

Do you always put yourself down or has it only been happening after you met your H?

 

If I left my husband, it would kill my parents and kids. They would never forgive me.

Tell them what your H is really like.

 

Do you think that you could make enough from your photography business to be financially independent in the short term?

[whichwayisup]

People are suckers for baby/toddler/young kids photo's and also pet photography is a big thing now a days. A friend of mine recently started taking pictures of women who are pregnant, so look into this..Advertise and put yourself out there, word of mouth or put out buisness posters in certain places that will get you noticed and work.

[BB07]

Thanks so much for all of the replies especially from the online gamer

 

I know I could get a job. I do have a photography business that is part time that I love. My husband built a studio in my basement for me. Financially he has given me everything I want and I'm not sure if I want to give everything up. I know I need counseling. I was online the other day looking for a counselor. I know if I met the right person, I would have an affair. I know you all probably think I'm a bad person now. I'm really not.

 

If I left my husband, it would kill my parents and kids. They would never forgive me. I told my husband a week or so ago I want out. He's been trying once again to be nice. I just feel there is more to life than this. Now I am hurting. I won't contact the mm again because I respect his wishes, but it hurts alot. I am an attractive woman and have kept myself in good shape.

 

I just want the hurt to go away. I'm so confused.

 

The hurt will go away. Be thankful that you didn't get in any deeper than you did.

 

Please consult that abuse hotline, because of the abuse you are vulnerable for another affair. An affair is NOT your answer, it will only cause you more pain and possible violence from your husband.

 

Also........you can't have it both ways, if you want to leave, of course you will have to give up some of your comforts. Seems a small price to pay if it's bad enough. Also........that is hogwash about your family not forgiving you if your husband is abusive, who would want someone they love to stay in that situation? Don't your kids know? Didn't they see it/hear it? Don't you realize that you are setting them up to be treated badly by example?

 

Maybe you and your husband can seek counseling and get things straightened out instead of leaving since it's such a long term marriage. Please do something so you don't get yourself in this kind of situation again, because it will only bring you more grief and an affair is not the answer to your problems.

[Kariva]

My husband has never been physically abusive, it's verbal. After 25 years of it though, I am sure it has affected me. I know I need counseling. My husband travels alot with his job and always has. My kids used to cry when they knew he would he was coming home. I could go on and on. I have talked to them somewhat about his behavior and they know it isn't right.

 

I do appreciate the support here. I am also in a leadership role in my church and if I left him, I would be ostracized from my church which is where all of my friends are.

 

My parents have seen his behavior over the years and know he can be abusive yet I think it would be sad for them if I left.

 

I have had my photography published in newspapers. I do not think I could live on the income from it right now, but maybe someday I could.

[Breezy Trousers]

My husband has never been physically abusive, it's verbal. After 25 years of it though, I am sure it has affected me. I know I need counseling. .

 

Verbal/emotional abuse is just as bad as physical, if not actually worse. Experts recognize this. Twenty five years is a long time. I'm sure it's affected you. Abusive marriages are like affairs in that people often don't realize how crazy the situation was until they have the benefit of months of no contact.

 

My husband travels alot with his job and always has. My kids used to cry when they knew he would he was coming home. I could go on and on. I have talked to them somewhat about his behavior and they know it isn't right. .

 

The traveling probably allowed you to stay in the marriage this long. The kids crying is heartbreaking.

 

I do appreciate the support here. I am also in a leadership role in my church and if I left him, I would be ostracized from my church which is where all of my friends are.

 

I understand Kariva, but you truly deserve a better church and better friends, if that's the case. Ostracizing you for leaving an abusive marriage is hardly loving or Christian.

 

My parents have seen his behavior over the years and know he can be abusive yet I think it would be sad for them if I left.

 

Kariva, was one of your parents abusive? That's the only way I could see your parents tolerating this situation for you and their (crying) grandchildren. Abuse would have to be their "normal." Regardless, they'll adjust. Whyare you putting everyone's feelings above your own feelings and your children's feelings?

 

I'm not criticizing you but am asking you to consider some of this.