soulm8 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I could really use some advice. I hope I'm doing the right thing, but would like your perspective. Him: 39, never married, no children, good career, has a mortgage, lives in Calgary. I've "known" him since third grade, our parents know each other, and throughout school I could tell he liked me. I liked him too, but neither one of us made a move on the other until one night when we were in college and we were out drinking and dancing. He sat with me, bought me drinks, danced with me and made it obvious that he was into me. My memory is fading, but I remember him asking me "out" -- which meant he wanted to be my bf, back then. I accepted and was excited. We set up a date and I remember having a good time with him and feeling like we were connecting, getting to know each other better, etc. He professed having had a crush on me for a long time, and I admitted the same. We starting making out at a local "make out spot". The sparks were flying but I wasn't ready for anything sexual yet. I stopped him from trying to put his hand in my pants. I'm pretty sure I gently explained that I wasn't ready and wanted to go slow. He did seem embarassed and surprised but I thought he recovered well and was pleasant as he took me back to my dorm. I kissed him goodnight and looked forward to seeing him again... but he disappeared on me. I was so confused and sad. He didn't return my phonecall and avoided me, so I just told myself he was looking for an easy girl and went on with my life. A year later, I moved to Vancouver. I ended up meeting my husband and had a couple of children. Fast forward to 2007... I'm going through a divorce and get back in touch with Mr. soulm8 through Facebook. He apologized for what he did and tells me that he regrets how immature he was. He also told me that I was his first girlfriend. We messaged back and forth a bit but life went on and we lost touch again. I don't collect friends on Facebook, so if we're not staying in touch, have a special friendship or related, I purge people. He sent a friend request back in Nov 2010. I accepted and again, he tells me that I was his first gf, he was an idiot to let me go, etc. He thinks my ex is a retard for letting me go and thinks me and my children are beautiful. What started out as an innocent "hey! how's it goin?" poke on my part, has turned into a DAILY barrage of at least 2 pokes... seemingly when he gets up, when he gets home, and when he's thinking of me. I poke back to let him know I'm thinking about him too. Every month or so, he asks me when I'm going to come visit him. At first, I'd just banter back that I can't afford it but wish I could. (I'm a single parent after all). Last time he asked, I told him to come visit me (because he misses Vancouver more than I miss Calgary). His first reply was that he doesn't miss the cost of Vancouver, he makes a good living there, and has room for me. He knows my kids are here every other week, but in July they'll be gone for about 3 weeks to visit their grandparents. He said he'd check with work because they're busy in the summer, but would love to see me. I keep poking him back, but resist asking if he's checked with work yet (it's only been 7 days). Am I setting myself up for disaster or is it best to see if he walks the talk? Sometimes, I think I should just ignore him and continue focusing on my kids and career but I also wonder if we have what it takes to make an LDR work until we can be together? Should I just come right out and ask him what his intentions are?
Kaplan Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I've "known" him since third grade Gross! Wait, you mean "known" in the Biblical sense right? Since it's in quotes? Seriously though, Seems to me like this guy is just going to try to put his hand in your pants again. Your assumption that he was looking for someone easy was probably right. Maybe he's changed since then, it's possible. But it doesn't seem likely.
sugarmomma Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I would definitely follow his lead just to see where it goes. Let him initiate and make the efforts to see you. If he doesn't, you have your answer. Simple.:bunny:
Author soulm8 Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Yes, I figured following his lead is the best way to handle this. I'm trying not to think about him too much. Easier said than done... I'm a romantic and sick of dating. The thing is, until I know what's going on between us (if anything), I feel somewhat stuck. I think that's why I have so little motivation to date right now.
EasyHeart Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I'm not up on Canookistanian geography, but I think Calgary and Vancouver are pretty far apart. The sad reality for those of us who are grownups is that we're usually tied down to a certain place by our jobs, family, friends, responsibilities, etc. and can't just pick up and move. Part of finding a suitable partner is finding one who is available, and that includes emotionally available, legally available and physically available. Realistically, he's not going to move and neither are you, so he's not an available partner. Most likely, you're responding to frustration in your dating life and probably some nostalgia and fantasy wish-fulfillment about the past. Keep your memories, but keep this guy in your past. And in Calgary.
Author soulm8 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 There's the voice of reason I was waiting for! Thank you EasyHeart
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