Jman171 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 My ex just sent me a text asking me if I wasn't talking to her. Should I make it clear that I'm busy with my own life, or just simply ignore it? Comments are appreciated.
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Not replying sends a stronger message... What were the circumstances of your break up?
PelicanPete Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Either or is fine, whatever makes you feel most comfortable about it. As long as you aren't acting like her little pooch, you're moving on in some way,shape, or form. I told my ex when she'd never hear from me again, and she had a few hissy fits but nothing worth sticking around for. So if you want to formally tell her to "GTFO" [in a polite way of course ] go for it. If you're fine just vanishing off the radar, thats perfectly fine as well.
Author Jman171 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 @D-Lish: The break-up wasn't mutual, and it wasn't a bad one (no screaming/fighting/or distrust). One week after I tried to make a plea for her to come back but was shot down. I tried to get her to tell me why she broke up with me but kept implying she, "didn't want to talk about it." So I made the decision to go NC and have been for about 3 weeks. She continues to text me things like, "How's it going," "You doing good?" Things along those lines like 3 times a week. I'm probably going to remain no contact just because I know it's better for me, and that's what I'm really focusing on..just me....
Fedor Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 @D-Lish: The break-up wasn't mutual, and it wasn't a bad one (no screaming/fighting/or distrust). One week after I tried to make a plea for her to come back but was shot down. I tried to get her to tell me why she broke up with me but kept implying she, "didn't want to talk about it." So I made the decision to go NC and have been for about 3 weeks. She continues to text me things like, "How's it going," "You doing good?" Things along those lines like 3 times a week. I'm probably going to remain no contact just because I know it's better for me, and that's what I'm really focusing on..just me.... Remain no contact and avoid the breadcrumbs. I wouldnt reply unless she started begging to get you back.
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Was someone else...then go NC. Some people say it's better not to know...but I don't think so here..you deserve to know why the r/s has come to an end, and if she's like hesitant in telling you...it's because she's testing out someone else. Before even thinking of going NC to force some sort of her missing you, u must find out if she actually will....maybe that'll force u into NC longer, as you have an actual r/s to avoid.
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 @D-Lish: The break-up wasn't mutual, and it wasn't a bad one (no screaming/fighting/or distrust). One week after I tried to make a plea for her to come back but was shot down. I tried to get her to tell me why she broke up with me but kept implying she, "didn't want to talk about it." So I made the decision to go NC and have been for about 3 weeks. She continues to text me things like, "How's it going," "You doing good?" Things along those lines like 3 times a week. I'm probably going to remain no contact just because I know it's better for me, and that's what I'm really focusing on..just me.... In that case- put her on ignore asap!! That's pretty unfair of someone to do. Do you answer her texts? Her behaviour is selfish. She broke up with you, refuses to give you closure, but she "pokes" at you a few times a week knowing you are trying to heal. Go full no contact, I wouldn't even say anything to her. Trust me, the silence is more effective than anything else.
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Was someone else...then go NC. Some people say it's better not to know...but I don't think so here..you deserve to know why the r/s has come to an end, and if she's like hesitant in telling you...it's because she's testing out someone else. Before even thinking of going NC to force some sort of her missing you, u must find out if she actually will....maybe that'll force u into NC longer, as you have an actual r/s to avoid. He may deserve to know why- but that falls in the lap of the other person that's refusing to tell him. Sometimes you have to create your own closure. She could have broken up with him for a number of reasons, but if she doesn't want to tell him why- it's not in his best interest to stick around while she plays games with him.
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 He may deserve to know why- but that falls in the lap of the other person that's refusing to tell him. Sometimes you have to create your own closure. She could have broken up with him for a number of reasons, but if she doesn't want to tell him why- it's not in his best interest to stick around while she plays games with him. You're right...but he has to find a way to get it out of her. Seriously, if he doesn't know, HE WILL BREAK NC. No question about it..people don't invest their time into someone, then just accept that person's suddenly changed, unless they were arguing like cats n dogs beforehand. If this was sudden...you have to get her to tell you..even if you say by not telling me...I trust you but I must assume it is because there is/was someone else. Nothing can be this bad, and if you're not going to help me for the future, cause if it's not about another man, to break up with me seems like something I need to fix, then you're playing terrible games with me and I didn't need to get into all of this, invest in all of this. You have to get her to tell you, but as D says, try not to waste too much time doing it, or you'll look like a loser.
Kodo Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 You're right...but he has to find a way to get it out of her. Seriously, if he doesn't know, HE WILL BREAK NC. Why will he? Her actions obviously show she broke up and isn't interested. That's all you need to know. Who cares what she says? So he pushes her into talking and she comes up with some bull **** excuse like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" which will be even more confusing than I "don't want to talk about it". Hell what if it's worse. What if there has been foul play? Do you really want to find out? Walk away while you're still standing. Let her crawl back.
sinnister Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) Why will he? Her actions obviously show she broke up and isn't interested. That's all you need to know. Who cares what she says? So he pushes her into talking and she comes up with some bull **** excuse like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" which will be even more confusing than I "don't want to talk about it". Hell what if it's worse. What if there has been foul play? Do you really want to find out? Walk away while you're still standing. Let her crawl back. I disagree...she's going to keep hounding him, then she's gonna call him a jerk...he puts the ball back into his court by directing her "breadcrumbs" into asking about the reason of the b/u, which she is being vague on. Yeah, she b/u..but she can still win if NC is used like a battering ram of rudeness she may not have deserved. Yeah, no one wants to get friendzoned..but he could learn something from this. No need to act bruised/hurt/childish b/c she did. Let him find out, then stay NC. Again, she is trying to sate her conscience by making him look like a child. NC is meant for moving on yes...but r/s were built on trust, open communication NOT simply convenience..if there was something wrong w/either of them in an LTR that wasn't made known through some argument...he'll be letting her WIN by just disappearing. I know people may not care about this..but a person couldn't have strip me of my time/investment then just win on me, especially if they done it with another person. That is not alpha, and even if you get her back...she won't respect you for it...you have to put the screws to her, and give her a reason to go fix herself and let yourself have peace. It will be a hit to the pride, but I'd rather know, I'm sorry, then deal with the betrayal, instead of her coming back later, taking her back w/out any work done for either of us or simply for one of us. She's not talking cause it's about someone else, but she is going to still make it about him. Edited May 30, 2011 by sinnister
ummike26 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 My ex left me out of the blue greater then 6 weeks ago and I have remained NC ever since. I simply vanished off the face of the Earth.. She lied, cheated, and tried to trick me so I wouldn't be home when she moved her stuff out.. She has texted a few times and I simply ignore.. As time goes by I care less and less all b/c she is a complete stranger to me now.. Just another person in the big world we live in... Stay NC!
D-Lish Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 You're right...but he has to find a way to get it out of her. Seriously, if he doesn't know, HE WILL BREAK NC. No question about it..people don't invest their time into someone, then just accept that person's suddenly changed, unless they were arguing like cats n dogs beforehand. If this was sudden...you have to get her to tell you..even if you say by not telling me...I trust you but I must assume it is because there is/was someone else. Nothing can be this bad, and if you're not going to help me for the future, cause if it's not about another man, to break up with me seems like something I need to fix, then you're playing terrible games with me and I didn't need to get into all of this, invest in all of this. You have to get her to tell you, but as D says, try not to waste too much time doing it, or you'll look like a loser. He doesn't have to find a way to get it out of her- he only needs to find a way to get his closure. He can't control her or what she is willing to say or not say... Most people aren't going to be truthful in a break up. All my ex could say was "we aren't right for one another".... That's all I got from him-I didn't get any closure from that- who would? That's all I was getting though- so you accept what you have to work with and you muddle through it. He can't waste energy going at someone until they finally say something that may or may not bring some closure. He's got to start healing- he needs to put distance in between him and his ex- not push her for answers. Someone says it's over- OKAY, it's over, it sucks- but why revisit looking for answers over and over- it's not healthy.
sinnister Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 My ex left me out of the blue greater then 6 weeks ago and I have remained NC ever since. I simply vanished off the face of the Earth.. She lied, cheated, and tried to trick me so I wouldn't be home when she moved her stuff out.. She has texted a few times and I simply ignore.. As time goes by I care less and less all b/c she is a complete stranger to me now.. Just another person in the big world we live in... Stay NC! How did you know if she lied or cheated? I agree, it is your option to go NC after finding out...vanish. But how did you find out...unless it was done during the r/s and you just knew you didn't want to deal with the what-ifs anymore.
sinnister Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) He never got one. I'd admit once it is found out...rehashing and explaining and pleading is perilous..but someone says it's over and a normal person "disappears"? Not to say that isn't the strong move...but there's lots of shades of grey here...unless you have like tons of options just lined up and the r/s was just of convenience...if that's the case why be in one? Damn, dumpers have it pretty easy. I think we need to loosen up the standards of what is loser-behavior and when NC should be applied..but that's just my opin. I just don't let people "off the hook"...I've walked when told why...only was overwrought twice...first and this last r/s for very different reasons...but I'm not a loser..and I found out. Never been in a forum on any r/s bf this one..it was just so extreme..just saying. Dumpers can't get it this easy. Edited May 30, 2011 by sinnister
ummike26 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 She told me she cheated on me 2 months before she left me with a guy from work. According to her it was just a quick kiss... She cried and got me to forgive her by telling me she loved me etc.. I stupidly forgave her and I thought we were working things out.. However, one day she just left me and left a note on the counter of are apartment. After 2 years together she didn't have the guts to tell me to my face.. This guy must have really turned her against me... So anyways in order for me to retain my self respect I had to vanish.. There was no repairing what she did.. I think silence speaks volumes.. Her behavior was so disgusting I cant even recognize her anymore.. It was hard at first but now the memory of her fades each day..
sinnister Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 She told me she cheated on me 2 months before she left me with a guy from work. According to her it was just a quick kiss... She cried and got me to forgive her by telling me she loved me etc.. I stupidly forgave her and I thought we were working things out.. However, one day she just left me and left a note on the counter of are apartment. After 2 years together she didn't have the guts to tell me to my face.. This guy must have really turned her against me... So anyways in order for me to retain my self respect I had to vanish.. There was no repairing what she did.. I think silence speaks volumes.. Her behavior was so disgusting I cant even recognize her anymore.. It was hard at first but now the memory of her fades each day.. See, this is different than just disappearing. You had evidence, you knew what the score probably was...or just didn't want to deal with what it could've been. But with how close together it was..you didn't let her off the hook..she knows what you think it was and u pulled the strong move and saved your dignity...that's cool s--t. The OP needs this chance so he can make up his own mind to...then afterwards..the rest of the posters r right. Don't let them completely off the hook..plus in this case she wins by making him into a baby.
D-Lish Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 He never got one. I'd admit once it is found out...rehashing and explaining and pleading is perilous..but someone says it's over and a normal person "disappears"? Not to say that isn't the strong move...but there's lots of shades of grey here...unless you have like tons of options just lined up and the r/s was just of convenience...if that's the case why be in one? Damn, dumpers have it pretty easy. I think we need to loosen up the standards of what is loser-behavior and when NC should be applied..but that's just my opin. I just don't let people "off the hook"...I've walked when told why...only was overwrought twice...first and this last r/s for very different reasons...but I'm not a loser..and I found out. Never been in a forum on any r/s bf this one..it was just so extreme..just saying. Dumpers can't get it this easy. Taking control over your own situation isn't loser behaviour. What is he supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? Sure, we can hammer our ex's trying to figure out the real issue- but that makes us pathetic in our ex's eyes. For the most part, our ex's have fallen out of love with us- for whatever reason- and as much as that hurts, they can't explain that anymore than we want them to. Is it going to help us to know there is someone else on the wings? No, it's going to hurt us more. What people are missing is that we have control- when we are dumped, we can choose to walk away with our head held high. That's what I've done. It's been 2 months for me, and I want to talk to him every day- but I am not going to do it. There could have been someone else, maybe he's gay... So many scenarios- but all I hear is that it's over- therefore time to move on. I can't stress over getting to the bottom of why I am not his soul-mate if he's not willing to tell me. We can create our own closure, and work on our own healing- we use the tools at our own disposal.
ummike26 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Sinnister your right about his situation. I just felt like telling my experience to get it off my chest w/o starting another thread.. I am in school and work full time and can't deal with the drama of a situation I already know the outcome too. The best way for me to heal was disappear. What I don't know can't hurt me.. She probably feels guilty and her texts are solely for the purpose of relieving that guilt.. Well I am not biting.. She treated me like a stranger and well now we are strangers..
sinnister Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) Taking control over your own situation isn't loser behaviour. What is he supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? Sure, we can hammer our ex's trying to figure out the real issue- but that makes us pathetic in our ex's eyes. For the most part, our ex's have fallen out of love with us- for whatever reason- and as much as that hurts, they can't explain that anymore than we want them to. Is it going to help us to know there is someone else on the wings? No, it's going to hurt us more. What people are missing is that we have control- when we are dumped, we can choose to walk away with our head held high. That's what I've done. It's been 2 months for me, and I want to talk to him every day- but I am not going to do it. There could have been someone else, maybe he's gay... So many scenarios- but all I hear is that it's over- therefore time to move on. I can't stress over getting to the bottom of why I am not his soul-mate if he's not willing to tell me. We can create our own closure, and work on our own healing- we use the tools at our own disposal. You don't have to hammer...I mean she's pretty much baiting him into some behavior...instead of him agonizing about what to do with her communiques, might as well use it for more clarity so he can REALLY figure out what to do next. He's being gamed either way...I wouldn't want to walk with her smelling like a rose when she isn't. I wasn't calling him a loser, but sometimes people call dumpee's that dont go STRAIGHT TO NC losers. It's not for just closure. Closure is finding out what lead to the changed feelings...mostly with cheating. This is finding out what the hell caused the breakup...now if it wasn't an LTR..I'd say forget it.. Anything after 6 months needs some kind of explanation..u were committed to this person for half a year or more...then u let them walk. Over a year, it's criminal to be a sh-t about it. You do have a choice whether to find out or don't..but it's not hammering the ex to ask...hammering is what you do after you find out. She is choosing as the dumper to try to stay in his life. I feel she is doing it to sate her conscience..NC w/o leverage is lose/lose here. Get leverage, then NC if you want her back eventually..if you don't...just disappear..but you lose the high ground plus if you change you mind and get back one day...n this happens again..you've already accepted that you won't ask for explanation.so you'll never get any..bad move. Edited May 30, 2011 by sinnister
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