girlish334 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 My husband had a 3 week emotional affair with both of our co-worker. Although short it was really intense. She asked him to leave me after two times of hanging out. I still cry? My therapist says everytime I obsess I am traumatizing myself over and over. He has been really supportive throughout all of this. Meeting my needs and making me feel special. He has told me everyday since this happened. He gets me flowers and surprises all the time. He cut off all ties with her since I found out. She even got fired from her job so she is totally out of the picture. It just hurts. How could he? Now he is starting to get defensive when I am trying to get support from him. Sometimes I come off as mean when I get upset about it. I am just so sad and angry. He will say things like "I made a mistake and you have to forgive me". Or he says " Why don't you leave me? I know you want to. I bust my ass every day. What else do you want from me...?" " I never loved her". "I didn't want to be in the situation" How should I be acting? How do I be strong? Am I doing something wrong?
michelangelo Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 And have not had enough time to work through the pain. Cut yourself some slack, mourn what you have lost and do not let your cheating husband to dictate how long it takes to recover from his abysmal behavior! You may be able to repair things together, but now while he is pressuring you to get over what he has done.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 You need to be patient. Be persistent but expect progress to be slow. He will say things like "I made a mistake and you have to forgive me". Or he says " Why don't you leave me? I know you want to. I bust my ass every day. What else do you want from me...?" " I never loved her". "I didn't want to be in the situation" Pretty d*ckish things to say by the way.
Glinda Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Buying you flowers and being sweet is not the same as owning his actions. In fact, it's done so he won't have to own them. His defensiveness comes from him not wanting to own what he's done. It says a lot about his character. He hurt you with his actions. Part of the consequences of that hurt is that each and every time you have a question, cry, or rant, he should answer your questions. He should not make excuses and put it off on you to just get over it yourself.
Linda9999 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 He isn't truly remorseful. Telling you you NEED to forgive him?? Uh, no, he needs to beg for your forgiveness and apologize ten thousand times if that's what you need. My husband was like that briefly until I sent him a bunch of reading material and wrote him some letters and we talked about the reality of the situation. He just wanted the whole thing to GO AWAY because he was so embarrassed and ashamed. Once he realized that he was being completely selfish with that attitude it quickly changed.
Spark1111 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 And find a new therapist! I am appalled by the number of therapists who seem to think that the only way to heal from infidelity is to ignore it, as if that works! A betrayal is a betrayal; it takes time to restore trust, a long time. He needs to find out what was so appealing that he was willing to jeopardize his relationship with you. He needs to assure you, maybe for years, that this will never happen again. You need to figure out if this triggered a time in your past when you felt less safe. Did it? And you both need to work on ways of better communicating about this in a kind and compassinate manner. Please ask your therapist WHAT makes him qualified to treat infidleity, because right now, he/she sounds like they are clueless.
Woman In Blue Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I would strongly advise that you prepare yourself for 'trickle truth.' That's when more bits and pieces of the story eventually come out - it's like facing another betrayal all over again. I find it very hard to believe that these two merely "hung out" together and there was no physical contact. The chances of that are very unlikely - especially since she asked him to leave you. That type of request doesn't usually come from a woman if she merely "hung out" at the local coffee house or pizza parlor with him. I don't believe you've been given the entire story. Most cheaters ONLY cop to what they absolutely HAVE to, and unless you have solid proof of more, they're not going to hand anything over to you on their own. Why would he? He'd be a fool to dig himself a grave like that. It's all about self preservation for these cheaters. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Spark1111 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I would strongly advise that you prepare yourself for 'trickle truth.' That's when more bits and pieces of the story eventually come out - it's like facing another betrayal all over again. I find it very hard to believe that these two merely "hung out" together and there was no physical contact. The chances of that are very unlikely - especially since she asked him to leave you. That type of request doesn't usually come from a woman if she merely "hung out" at the local coffee house or pizza parlor with him. I don't believe you've been given the entire story. Most cheaters ONLY cop to what they absolutely HAVE to, and unless you have solid proof of more, they're not going to hand anything over to you on their own. Why would he? He'd be a fool to dig himself a grave like that. It's all about self preservation for these cheaters. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. Excellent point, WIB! This may be why you are crying and obsessed. You may intuitively know there is a lot more to the story, so the betrayal continues. Are you sure it is over? Do you check his cell, know his whereabouts, is he completely transparent? Know all his email passwords to ensure he is still not it contact with her? Stay calm, and try to gather as much info unbeknownst to him as possible. Check and verify, without him knowing, any way possible. Have you scoped out work and know for SURE she is gone?
Flgirl44 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) I agree with the trickle truthing. Generally speaking if they are capable of the deception of cheating they will only let out what they absolutely have to so save their own butt. Mine went from saying it was a ONS to it 4 times and asked her to spend the night and go out to dinner. Way more involved than a ONS. He only told me this because pictures with dates on them and receipt dates didn't match up, he didn't offer up the info himself. Funny he also tried to make it up to me by taking me on a 5k trip to New York among other things. The worse it is the more they try to "make it up" to you. aka relieve their guilt. As far as getting over it, I can say from experience it took about a year for the feelings to subside and see things clearly. Looking back there was nothing but time that wouldn've made any difference as far as some of the emotions went. That's just how it goes, that's one of the reasons I find it so demeaning. It takes away time from you and in many ways it can't be helped. Edited June 1, 2011 by Flgirl44
Kismetly Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I get the posts that say the WS is not remorseful and he's not owning it. I also respect the post that says to give yourself time, not enough time has passed for you to grieve the fantasy of the marriage you thought you were living in. (How long ago did the EA end?) But ... really ... I'm kind of with your therapist. It was a 3 week EA. The OW is off the scene and your H has recommitted to you. Where is your emotional resolve? You know it's a free world. You had the choice to decide that his behaviour was unacceptable and leave him ... OR ... you had the choice to forgive him and recommit to your marriage. You decided on option b. You have to make the commitment to forgiving him or it just won't work. A lot of worse things could happen you know? He could have been involved in an accident and been seriously injured. You might have been touched by cancer. IF you have children, one of them could have become ill or had some other awful experience. He had a 3 week emotional affair!!! Keep it in perspective. I know it means you have to reevaluate everything you thought about your marriage. You saw him as the man you wanted him to be. Now you get the chance to fall in love with the man he is ... or not! Let it go. Letting go is a choice that only you can make. Let it go because holding on to it is only hurting you .... Good luck.
Author girlish334 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 You r are so right...I dunno why it's so hard to get over. The firl has done this many times before. I am just another wife. Why is there so much peon?
TaraMaiden Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I repeat my question: how long ago did this happen, and/or (as Kismetly also asks) how long ago did it end?
Author girlish334 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 I found out Feb 1 so 5 months ago. He ended it that same day and was fired from her job where we all worked together.. I keep a close watch on him even though I am trying to rebuild trust. He has no contact with her, hates and resents her. She has a bit of a rep for being wacky. I knew this from high school but he isn't from this small town that we live in now. I agree that I can't torture myself with this for the rest of my life. What good comes from reliving the memories over and over. It has been five months.... I think getting over it and forgiving takes courage and strength.
Author girlish334 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) HjhI think I have mourned most of everyday for many months now. Although I have grown stronger I will not be the victim forever . I will come out stronger and feel like a strong woman who knows that nothing can have power over me and nothing can happen that will make me loose myself. I am wise and I trust myself when I say nothing can define me and no wound that doesn't kill me can't be nurtured back to health. I am optimistic that one day this will not bring me such strong emotions. One day I will again be able to focus on today and tomorrow. See this for what it was.... J's biggest mistake of his life and a reminder that a am a strong woman who is confident, capable and unsinkable. I won, she lost and I will always be the winner. So if that home wrecking little girl or one you like her is reading this know that we (the silly boring housewives) will always be in a better situation from all this. With a husband that has never worked harder, genuine and completely well rounded sense of self and a clear image of our human man who like us is capable of good or evil but. There is so much to learn about ourselves and our life when we are forced to question it. If I didn't like the man j is after all of this.... If this was a symptom of bad charecter then the perfect revenge is to let her have him. J is a naive idiot who is full of shame and remourse but he has made it clear everyday that she made his life a nightmare and more importantly show me everytime we are together that I am the most important thing to him. He may be defensive sometimes but he tries more them even the honeymoon period to peruse and court me. Although I have never felt much pain it's nice to get the excitement, attention satisfaction of being a shiny new toy. It's nice to watch him try to impress me again. By the way.... I know I am right, it's not too soon and there is no shame in honoring my vows, rise to the occasion and claim my ground and life again! Edited June 7, 2011 by girlish334
Kismetly Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hey girl - that's better ... I like the empowered passion and the new vision of yourself as a strong woman, rather than a victim. Go easy on the vitriol though, huh? Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself ... J is a naive idiot who is full of shame and remourse. ... not a very kind, sympathetic or loving way to talk about the man you have decided to make your life partner .... ya know?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hey girl - that's better ... I like the empowered passion and the new vision of yourself as a strong woman, rather than a victim. Go easy on the vitriol though, huh? Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself ... ... not a very kind, sympathetic or loving way to talk about the man you have decided to make your life partner .... ya know? Neither was his cheating ways....ya know?
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 ... not a very kind, sympathetic or loving way to talk about the man you have decided to make your life partner .... ya know? Focus on your own mental state (which she's doing)...and then your cheating partner. I'd say girlish is playing smart.
Author girlish334 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I think it is my turn to be a bit selfish. I would have to be naive Nd dumb to not face the fact thAt he made dumb decisions. But this is not the time for me to neglect myself..... He didn't include me on the decision to rock my world and make me. Broken person
TaraMaiden Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I personally think committing to this guy would be a huge mistake, myself. I think you can - and should - do better.
michelangelo Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 There is a clever way to catch monkeys that seems to me to be apropos to the situation. If you want to catch a monkey, put rice in a basket that only has an opening wide enough for a monkey's hand not holding anything. If the monkey tries to pull out a fistful of rice, it can't! But the monkey hangs onto that fistful of rice with all it's might because, it so wants the rice. The monkey knows that rice is delicious. The monkey is hungry, that rice would be perfect if only it could get it out of the basket. The monkey has had rice before that wasn't in the basket. Too difficult to realize that the rice in the basket is really a trap based on the monkey's past satisfaction when eating rice. You're the monkey (no offense), your guy's current behavior is the basket, the rice is what you once shared together.
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