kash123 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Hey guys need your advice quickly. I just recieved a message from my ex desperately asking for financial assistance. I broke up with her 4 months now, and said my final goodbyes to her a month ago after resisting her constant breadcrumbs and have maintained strict NC. Now my ex lives alone and doesn't maintain family contact (although for 4 months I don't know what she has been up to or anything). She moved closer to me to be with me, but by now she definitely has made friends. I used to support her financially before she broke up with me to start her own business with someone who I don't know. But now she texted me asking me that she doesn't have enough money for her outgoings and needs some help with money. I've got mixed feelings from this. She dumped me and I am not obliged to help her (I shouldn't be her get out of jail card), but then again I could be harsh, knowing she's on her own and stuck being with her for 7 years don't know what to do?
victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 noooooo do not do it. I feel into that trap and lent my ex £100 last week! it was her choice to have you out of her life and she shouldn't be able to have you around when it suits her. My ex did the same, made me feel I owed him something as he was used to relying on me financially. More hassle than its worth believe me. Its natural to feel guilt but you owe it to yourself to stay strong.
Author kash123 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Well I responded back to her saying that I have no obligation towards you nemore and I'm not settling to be her get out of jail card. Although I offered her a loan but it had to be formally written down with an agreed date. She responded back saying forget i asked you, giving me a lecture on how she's alone in this city after she left me and still is now.She doesn't know anyone else well enough to give her money. Then explaining it was me who wanted to cut off ties and she only asked me cuz she really needed it. She left her job and her business is risky and isn't generating income. Thanks and bye. Funny she says all of this when she was telling me she was having a great time when she left me enjoying herself.
victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Surely a family member could lend her some money? I know you said she hasnt had contact with them but still worth a try. You offered her a loan which is more than most people would do so you weren't unreasonable. She is playing on your guilt just as my ex was, saying he hasn't got anyone else to ask and only ate one meal the day before blah blah. Despite the fact he spent all the money I gave him in 2 days!! You know a persons true colours once they cant get their own way, as my ex got very abusive when I stopped dancing to his tune. We will never earn respect unless we stand firm!
Author kash123 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Surely a family member could lend her some money? I know you said she hasnt had contact with them but still worth a try. You offered her a loan which is more than most people would do so you weren't unreasonable. She is playing on your guilt just as my ex was, saying he hasn't got anyone else to ask and only ate one meal the day before blah blah. Despite the fact he spent all the money I gave him in 2 days!! You know a persons true colours once they cant get their own way, as my ex got very abusive when I stopped dancing to his tune. We will never earn respect unless we stand firm! I agree with you. She had loads of people to support her as she went through the coping period whereas I lost all mine because I gave her all the attention in the world. Now I've slowly began to reconnect with people and I've got serious personal development to do so don't want to lose my progress. I definitely do not want to be her plan and I 10000000% agree with the highlight part of your statement. There is no point being truly selfless for people because you end up losing respect that way.
victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 yeah I'm trying to keep strong and not cave into his guilt trips, but I'm sure I'll slip up every now and then but I'm trying to keep on the right path. My kind nature has always been taken advantage of, but it gets to a point when you need ti know the line between kind and doormat. And I always seem to do too much! As they say time heals and it will get easier to ignore. My ex has a big family so should expect their support and not mine.
marqueemoon4 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 my God don't do it.. bad enough loaning money to friends much less an ex that DUMPED YOU. .
Author kash123 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 yeah I'm trying to keep strong and not cave into his guilt trips, but I'm sure I'll slip up every now and then but I'm trying to keep on the right path. My kind nature has always been taken advantage of, but it gets to a point when you need ti know the line between kind and doormat. And I always seem to do too much! As they say time heals and it will get easier to ignore. My ex has a big family so should expect their support and not mine. I know what you mean, I've been brought up to think like that and only now do I realise through experience its wrong. We shouldn't have the need to feel appreciated by only fulfilling people's needs by helping them out with finance and always doing things for them especially when they don't put the same amount of effort into you. People should actually want us for who we are and not need us if that makes sense:o my God don't do it.. bad enough loaning money to friends much less an ex that DUMPED YOU. . Don't worry I've said no and ignored her guilt tripping messages. I'm not willing to go down that road again!
0hpenelope Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Wow! The nerve of this woman. Well I responded back to her saying that I have no obligation towards you nemore and I'm not settling to be her get out of jail card. Although I offered her a loan but it had to be formally written down with an agreed date. THAT is very prudent. I learned something new today and will keep this in mind for future reference. I hope I will never need to use this knowledge, though. She responded back saying forget i asked you, giving me a lecture on how she's alone in this city after she left me and still is now.She doesn't know anyone else well enough to give her money. Then explaining it was me who wanted to cut off ties and she only asked me cuz she really needed it. She left her job and her business is risky and isn't generating income. Thanks and bye. What? She was the one who wanted to cut off ties in the first place and you are under no obligation to be supportive to her. We choose who to be friends with and if you chose to not be friends with her, that's just too bad for her. She wanted the break up, she got it! She can take out a personal loan if she "really needed" the money. Situations get skeevy when money becomes involved and it sounds like she isn't looking to borrow just $20 or something. Funny she says all of this when she was telling me she was having a great time when she left me enjoying herself. Goes to show you (and I hope this will serve as an example for the rest of us, too) that there's no telling what's really going on with the ex, good things and bad things. One of the best ways to get on with healing is to just not know about 'em.
Author kash123 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 What? She was the one who wanted to cut off ties in the first place and you are under no obligation to be supportive to her. We choose who to be friends with and if you chose to not be friends with her, that's just too bad for her. She wanted the break up, she got it! Thanks for your response sorry I didn't make this part clear. I went into NC and she was referring to me cutting her off completely because I told her it was all or nothing for me and I sought my closure. She actually wanted to keep me around because I have a stable job and she's starting up a new business with someone. She has no income whatsoever and she's lucky to have a place as she doesn't have to pay any bills or anything like that. But she still has some expenses and before she left me she was working and earning but she told me today she left that job. But why I didn't want to be around her is because firstly I need to heal, I've had a difficult upbringing and I managed to attract a very unhealthy relationship for 7 years of my life so I started going NC/just have her out of my life and I've made some good progress though it's difficult because it's like for the first time I'm learning to love myself which I've never ever done. I've always put others needs before me like ever. I still believe it shouldn't be me bailing her out. I mean when she dumped me she had a whole load of people she'd be speaking, going out with, was showing to me how life was great, having fun meeting new people and things and today she gave me the excuse she was alone when she left me and is alone now. She's doing business with someone so there must be a level of trust she has with him, so why can't he help? When she left me, I had no one to fall on to whatsoever apart, I found good advice from LS, stuck to it and I picked myself up again. So when she said she was alone that felt like an insult to me. It just seemed like it was a part of her plan that she expected me to give money to her, she mentioned in her message that I'd support her if she reallly needed it but I've changed and know by giving her money it'll only drag me backwards not forward. I refuse to lose respect towards myself.
Author kash123 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Goes to show you (and I hope this will serve as an example for the rest of us, too) that there's no telling what's really going on with the ex, good things and bad things. One of the best ways to get on with healing is to just not know about 'em. I've taken NC seriously, literally threw my ex out of my life after I had some sense in my head.This is important for codependent people like me who have the unhealthy habit of doing so much for people and never feeling appreciated and lost of self esteem and confidence in the process. I just come back to LS to remove my weaknesses in emotions felt towards her and vent it out here till I feel strong again.
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I hope you stick to nc and don't give her any money. She had a job that she left- did she not realize that would leave her without an income? How is any of this your problem? Don't fall for her guilt trip.
victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I too am codependent so know how addictive it feels to be "needed". But you have done the right thing, and as you say people should want us for us not what we can do for them. And I'm sure someone is out there that will do that.
threebyfate Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Well done kash! Can't believe she had the nerve to ask. But then who would quit a job and start a business with no substantial nest egg? Sounds like you dodged someone who's dumber than a bag of hammers!
Author kash123 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 I hope you stick to nc and don't give her any money. She had a job that she left- did she not realize that would leave her without an income? How is any of this your problem? Don't fall for her guilt trip. I'm definitely sticking to NC, you know I've felt a lot better, I mean I deserve better, I did so much for a person and then they left me hanging for a while the just left me. I might have been weak then when I was with her but not anymore. I still think about her naturally because being my first love and just putting everything into it but I'm not letting my guard down this time. I too am codependent so know how addictive it feels to be "needed". But you have done the right thing, and as you say people should want us for us not what we can do for them. And I'm sure someone is out there that will do that. Yes definitely but as people mention time and time again on this forum, work on yourself. I go gym and play for a sports team, managed to become captain too which helps me alot as I'm trying to combat some social anxiety problems as well as many other issues I have. Well done kash! Can't believe she had the nerve to ask. But then who would quit a job and start a business with no substantial nest egg? Sounds like you dodged someone who's dumber than a bag of hammers! I know before when I was naive and blinded, would have probably given in but not this time round. I just feel sorry for her to an extent, she has some major problems (BPD disorder I think) herself and seems to jump on to things without clearly thinking. Very excitable and enthusiastic but no stability in terms of career/studies. I don't know the person she's doing business with, but I don't think she herself realised the amount of effort and thought that requires in starting/maintaining a business nor do I think the guy knows what she's like. But all the best to her, I hope it goes well and I myself will be carrying on with a fresh new start to life.
Recommended Posts