johan Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Would he really do that at Dumplings King (whatever that is)? I don't think I'd do that kind of thing in a public place.
A O Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 First off, it greatly matters, that is from a motivational perspective. From what I recall of your posts in general, they're always from not only your personal perspective but assumption of male perspective and what's good for the man within the relationship, rather than addressing your advice for the good of the opening poster. I have stated my perspective. I view her as if she's someone that's close to me. I have highlighted the other perspective, the male perspective sparingly in comparison. It is not what is truly important to me here. Your baggage, being fed up with the so-called abusers here is clouding your perspective. My perspective desires nothing but the best, relationship-wise, for the OP. Yours on the other hand, you're in full-on protector/bash mode. That's admirable - skewed perspective aside. Sure there's balance. Read ALL my posts to everyone in this thread. If I appear on one side only, it's to offset the continuous abuse that she receives on LS of which you're part of the abusive bullying mob. You preach to me balance. To me. Now, that's fine as long as you practice what you preach. But that is not the case between us. I've been accumulating data on ES for 5 years now. She's trending upwards.You're too close to her, many of you here are. Your objectivity is compromised. Few of you can see what she really needs and that's a terrible shame. Five years and I'm guessing that she probably hasn't had one meaningful, drama-free, long-ish relationship in that time. Now, who the heck would want someone close to them to have a relationship history like that. Certainly not me, especially at her age. There comes a time when people, the advisers have to realize that their advice is having, little meaningful affect on someone. It can be a hard lesson to learn but infinitely valuable once the penny has dropped. .
heartshaped Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 You know what bothers me about you OP? You put up with far too much crap. There are red flags everywhere in this thread from his behavior which I suppose some tend to ignore because of your behavior and emotions, but I find that irrelevant. I don't care if you stripped down nude and jumped off your rooftop that doesn't negate the problems or red flags in this relationship. I'm thinking this 'we need to talk' thing is a breakup. Not to be negative, just giving my honest opinion. He hasn't held a long term relationship despite his age and he has a tendency to run hot and cold. If I had to take a guess I'd say this has been his issue in all his relationships. He has an interest in someone, but then fades on them from time to time unable to commit or be consistent. If he doesn't break up with you, he's going to lecture you about your neediness or something along those lines or ask for a break. The phrase we need to talk in the history of mankind has never been a good one. Also willing to bet the reason for the public place is so you don't go into hysterics or things don't get uncomfortable as it would if you were at one another's homes.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 heartshaped, yes it is VERY puzzling to me that he hasn't had a LTR at his age. As I said, he appears to be very level-headed, patient, doesn't seem to be afraid of commitment (he was ready pretty early on to meet the parents, to change his relationship status on FB, to introduce me to everyone - from friends to co-workers). He is outgoing, has tons of friends. He knows how to treat a girl, from paying for expensive dinners to flowers, to candlelit dinners at his place and love songs in the background. Something doesn't add up there. Not sure what it is. Girls also like him, at least two girls in his group of friends pretty much want to murder me because I am with him. Yet, he couldn't hold down a relationship past 9 months, ever. His lack of contact and decline in attentiveness is worrying. It started even before I attempted to break up with him. Even the amount of sex has decreased. I think that he perhaps has a pattern of getting bored and gradually losing interest..... Even if he doesn't dump me tomorrow, all the flags will remain.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Would he really do that at Dumplings King (whatever that is)? I don't think I'd do that kind of thing in a public place. The clue is in the name: Dump-lings
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 So I just got this e-mail from him: (I have sent him a song yesterday which he completely ignored) and yes he checks his e-mail ALL the time. -------------------- BTW my darling, I loved the song - I have never heard it before. I hope you had a nice day. I have to ask you something. I need to get a new passport and I know that you travel a lot. How should I go about this? -------------------- I felt a surge of hope at opening lines of his e-mail, but then he just wants to use me for information :(
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 They'll call me when they need to. What do you mean?
oaks Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I just got a cryptic text from him: "Dumplings King. Tomorrow 7pm. We need to talk." Here we go....I am going to be broken up with. It actually beats the uncertainty. I hate it when people say "We need to talk." It's never good, in my experience. I hate it more when the talking can't take place straight away. If I knew you better this would be the point where I offer a hug. Good luck.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 If they want to set something up then they'll call me. Relationships are a side project. If something happens then it happens. If not then whatever. They aren't my life. They are a leisurely activity. You are weird but I like it. Hmmm what if I take the importance of this relationship down a few notches...as in do absolutely nothing...don't initiate contact...don't ask to see him...prioritize work and friends over him. It shouldn't take over my life and all my head space. I never knew how to be balanced. Today is such a bad day. My code is not working and I can't figure out why. I have to meet my boss tomorrow. I also have a headache and just want to take a bath and go to sleep BTW, A_O, Mme_C and Star are now all on ignore. Ahhhhhhh that feels so good.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I hate it when people say "We need to talk." It's never good, in my experience. I hate it more when the talking can't take place straight away. If I knew you better this would be the point where I offer a hug. Good luck. Thanks, you are sweet I would actually prefer to be broken up with through text. At least then they can't see me cry
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 And the plot thickens. He has sent me the following text: "Hey beautiful, what do you think about inviting John and his girlfriend to Dumplings King - or did you want it to be just the two of us?" I said: "That's cool but I thought you wanted to talk about something?" Him: "Nah, it's nothing important - we can do it another time." Me: "OK" Him: "Why one word answer? I sense some distance. Is it because I didn't send you a kiss back?" Me....(haven't responded yet), perhaps I will in a few hours I seriously don't know what his deal is. Did he want to break up and then had a change of heart? F... this.
oaks Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I seriously don't know what his deal is. Did he want to break up and then had a change of heart? F... this. Ask him what he wanted to talk about? or tell him no to the guests so that you can talk? I guess he wasn't going to dump you at dinner afterall!
utterer of lies Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Ask him what he wanted to talk about? or tell him no to the guests so that you can talk? I guess he wasn't going to dump you at dinner afterall! Of course he's not, she's just freaking out for no reason, as usual. Damn, being so insecure must suck.
johan Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 ES, sooner or later you really have to learn that trying to read his mind is a bad strategy. You can't do it.
heartshaped Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Hm, I'd force the issue. Whatever it was, it seems now he is trying to directly avoid talking about it with you and if I were you, if something was so important that the two of you had to meet up to 'talk' I'd want to know what it is.
LexiB Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) And the plot thickens. He has sent me the following text: "Hey beautiful, what do you think about inviting John and his girlfriend to Dumplings King - or did you want it to be just the two of us?" I said: "That's cool but I thought you wanted to talk about something?" Him: "Nah, it's nothing important - we can do it another time." Me: "OK" Him: "Why one word answer? I sense some distance. Is it because I didn't send you a kiss back?" Me....(haven't responded yet), perhaps I will in a few hours I seriously don't know what his deal is. Did he want to break up and then had a change of heart? F... this. Hmm, sample response: "No, it's because you kinda freaked me out with the whole 'we need to talk thing', silly! You know you can't drop line like that on me and not give anything up! So out with it, did something good happen/bad happen...r u sad, mad, glad, what?" Obviously tailor to fit your style, but bottom line, keep your response light and cute while still making it clear that you want to know what he wanted to talk about. In light of what he just texted you, The Talk could very well have been nothing of import. Or maybe he wanted to work out plans for your trip to Thailand. Whatever it is, definitely ask him about it if it's bothering you. No sense torturing yourself. Edited May 31, 2011 by LexiB
Star Gazer Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 heartshaped, yes it is VERY puzzling to me that he hasn't had a LTR at his age. Yet, he couldn't hold down a relationship past 9 months, ever. But, but, but... NEITHER HAVE YOU! His 9 month relationship dwarfs any of yours! How can you hold him to a higher standard than you hold for yourself?!?! If he doesn't dump me tomorrow, all the flags will remain. For BOTH of you! Stop nitpicking this guy apart! He's learning as he goes - JUST LIKE YOU!
Star Gazer Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 He probably wants to talk about how he can't keep up with your level of communication. For example, when you whined, "What, no kiss back? :(" and he responded with "I am WORKING, I will give you a real kiss later" - that was him being very clear that you need to back off with needing constant communication and stop making him feel guilty when he doesn't respond the EXACT way you'd want him to.
threebyfate Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Why not return the favour? "We need to talk." j/k...kind of...yes j/k but man, what a temptation, no? I like what LexiB's suggesting but something tempered a bit. "Be nice. Don't leave me hanging, wondering what 'we need to talk' is all about."
carhill Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 You wanna piece of me? Now that's my kind of contact...
LexiB Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 My response would be: "You want a sitdown, hey? Who the fck do you think you are? Don Corleone?" Then I would pistol whip him. "No sitdowns, capiche? Say what you are going to say or don't say it at all." :laugh:
eerie_reverie Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 To reiterate my POV, I don't think he was EVER planning to dump you. But it is disturbing how insecure you are.
threebyfate Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 To reiterate my POV, I don't think he was EVER planning to dump you. But it is disturbing how insecure you are.Right, like break up wouldn't cross your mind if an SO said "We need to talk tomorrow". It would cross mine and my attachment style is secure.
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