threebyfate Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think it's a simple either/or. And I don't think most people (the vast majority) are attacking ES or that these tangents are truly helpful. They're pointing out blind spots, which may or may not be true, and may or may not be helpful. Nobody here is really claiming "truth" are they? At the end, it all gets hopelessly lost in ego. Which is all I see with ES bringing up the last guy and how she was "right" about that situation (in her view) and all sorts of people on LS were "wrong" because he apologizes to her now. All that discussion asserts is ego. I rarely think anything is as simple in life as "That guy is no good" or "You are no good" or "That girl is no good." (Wouldn't that be lovely and simple?) It's all about where people are and the reactions produced together.If no one is claiming truth, then why the need to call ES "dysfunctional" or the need to hammer her on a detail like glancing at her watch or the need to continuously suggest that every little move she makes is "wrong"? How about people start balancing and start pointing out both good and bad, much like the way Kamille does it?
Kamille Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 At the end, it all gets hopelessly lost in ego. Which is all I see with ES bringing up the last guy and how she was "right" about that situation (in her view) and all sorts of people on LS were "wrong" because he apologizes to her now. All that discussion asserts is ego. I agree with a lot of what you've said ZG and find it very insightful. If every time I posted a thread on LS, a bunch of posters showed up to tell me I was dysfunctional, I would probably eventually want to show them that I wasn't always completely wrong. ES does know the situation better than any of us here. What these posters don't realize when they talk dysfunction is that they're hitting a nerve. ES herself has often touted the belief that she's somehow too flawed for a relationship. That belief is complete bs of course, but it's also one of her worst fears. So the way I see it, her compulsion to defend herself to the naysayers is also an affirmative action: Yes, her instincts were right, no, she isn't too flawed for a relationship. It's part of her gaining confidence in her own judgement. Edited to add: I hadn't seen TBF's last post before starting to post this, but thanks TBF.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 For what it's worth zengirl, I believe that you are well intentioned (unlike few others). Kamille doesn't agree with me a lot of the time but she frames her advice in such a way that I never feel attacked and am thus more willing to listen. As for my current situation, I have decided to do nothing. I have already discussed issues with him both, few weeks ago and yesterday and there has really been no change. I have also layed my feelings for him on the table and he has only gotten more distant. I will still be willing to listen to what he has to say if he contacts me. I do hope that he will at least have enough decency and respect for me to have some sort of a break-up talk rather than just fade away. But we shall see.
threebyfate Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 You're so crazy, ES. Hate to admit this but the way you give advice to ES is pretty even keeled. But if you mention this again, I'll deny it.
A O Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 If no one is claiming truth, then why the need to call ES "dysfunctional" or the need to hammer her on a detail like glancing at her watch or the need to continuously suggest that every little move she makes is "wrong"? There is one over-riding truth and that is time. Time has shown that she continually moves from one relationship drama to another. That suggests that there is something wrong (dysfunctional) in how she interacts with men. It doesn't matter what we call it, what matters is that her general behavior hasn't changed sufficiently enough, over all her time here to, to allow her to interact in a less drama-fueled manner. What these posters don't realize when they talk dysfunction is that they're hitting a nerve. She is long past listening to anyone here other than those who help keep her in her current state of being. That is something that people here truly need to get. .
johan Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Hate to admit this but the way you give advice to ES is pretty even keeled. But if you mention this again, I'll deny it. I'm just trying to provide the father figure she obviously needs. I'm sure I'll screw it up sooner or later. If I didn't just now...
threebyfate Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 There is one over-riding truth and that is time. Time has shown that she continually moves from one relationship drama to another. That suggests that there is something wrong (dysfunctional) in how she interacts with men. It doesn't matter what we call it, what matters is that her general behavior hasn't changed sufficiently enough, over all her time here to, to allow her to interact in a less drama-fueled manner.The bolded is your main concern, rather than ES. What you're failing to see is that it's not about genders and your personal preferences about how YOU or men would like to be treated or thought of. It's about trying to help ES. You don't have any idea what's going on in her b/fs mind. You also don't have any real idea of how their relationship works on a regular basis. All you see is what she's posted and not only that, but what you're perceiving is YOUR perception of what's going on. None of this amounts to "dysfunctional" beyond the fantasy playing out in your imagination. So now, imaginary story = ES must get professional help? Balance.
A O Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 The bolded is your main concern, rather than ES. What you're failing to see is that it's not about genders and your personal preferences about how YOU or men would like to be treated or thought of. It's about trying to help ES. It is not a gender issue. Her problems coincide with her interactions with as it happens to be - men. You don't have any idea what's going on in her b/fs mind. You also don't have any real idea of how their relationship works on a regular basis. All you see is what she's posted and not only that, but what you're perceiving is YOUR perception of what's going on. Most of your thoughts about me are simply your perceptions and projections thereof. Its to be expected. Whether they're right or wrong is neither here nor there in most instances. None of this amounts to "dysfunctional" beyond the fantasy playing out in your imagination. So now, imaginary story = ES must get professional help? Balance.First off, there is no balance from your side. There is no objectivity from your side because most of your responses here are simply a build-up of the responses of many people towards the OP over a long period of time. I'm the one who just happens to be copping the backlash. Luckily, I understand exactly what is transpiring hence I overlook the vast majority of your behavior. Also, you shouldn't get hung up on the term dysfunction. All it does is describe an aspect of a person, in this case - certain thought processes. It does not describe the person in general and never has done. .
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 You're so crazy, ES. WTH johan
florence of suburbia Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 What these posters don't realize when they talk dysfunction is that they're hitting a nerve. You're too kind, Kamille. Unfortunately, I'm afraid these posters smell blood. Why they want to kick someone when she is down, I don't know. Maybe it is a way of making themselves feel superior? That's how it reads from an observer's perspective.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I just got a cryptic text from him: "Dumplings King. Tomorrow 7pm. We need to talk." Here we go....I am going to be broken up with. It actually beats the uncertainty.
threebyfate Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It might be a break up or might be something else. My fingers are crossed that it's the latter.
Kamille Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I hate it when people say : "We need to talk" without specifying what about. I hope everything turns out for the best. And remember, no matter what, you will be fine.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 It might be a break up or might be something else. My fingers are crossed that it's the latter. Thanks TBF. I am pretty sure it's the break up. I replied and added his pet name and kiss at the end. He didn't respond to that. Not a good sign When we used to text before, if I send him a kiss he would always go "kiss you back 10 times" and then I would go "kiss you back 100 times" etc etc. He is cold as ice.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I hate it when people say : "We need to talk" without specifying what about. I hope everything turns out for the best. And remember, no matter what, you will be fine. Thanks Kamille, I have been there before with other guys and I was always fine. I will probably give dating a break for about 6 months afterwards.
Titania22 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Thanks TBF. I am pretty sure it's the break up. I replied and added his pet name and kiss at the end. He didn't respond to that. Not a good sign When we used to text before, if I send him a kiss he would always go "kiss you back 10 times" and then I would go "kiss you back 100 times" etc etc. He is cold as ice. That sucks ES. I hope you get some resolution soon. I think the waiting and wondering are actually worse then the finalising.
threebyfate Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I hate it when people say : "We need to talk" without specifying what about. I hope everything turns out for the best. And remember, no matter what, you will be fine.I know. What a psyche out. Thanks TBF. I am pretty sure it's the break up. I replied and added his pet name and kiss at the end. He didn't respond to that. Not a good sign When we used to text before, if I send him a kiss he would always go "kiss you back 10 times" and then I would go "kiss you back 100 times" etc etc. He is cold as ice.((hugs)) Just wait and see. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here too.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 That sucks ES. I hope you get some resolution soon. I think the waiting and wondering are actually worse then the finalising. Yep Titania, waiting is the worst..... I couldn't help it so I texted again "No kiss back for me? :(" (I know this is whiny and clingy but what can you do) He responded "I am WORKING ES. I will kiss you tomorrow "
eerie_reverie Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yep Titania, waiting is the worst..... I couldn't help it so I texted again "No kiss back for me? :(" (I know this is whiny and clingy but what can you do) He responded "I am WORKING ES. I will kiss you tomorrow " Is there a betting pool? I'm betting he's NOT breaking up with you. I HOPE TO GOD you don't dump him pre-emptively.
Titania22 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yep Titania, waiting is the worst..... I couldn't help it so I texted again "No kiss back for me? :(" (I know this is whiny and clingy but what can you do) He responded "I am WORKING ES. I will kiss you tomorrow " Nice! (I know exactly how you feel sometimes getting no response winds me up so much, and the only way to feel better is to send another text or call directly.)
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Is there a betting pool? I'm betting he's NOT breaking up with you. I HOPE TO GOD you don't dump him pre-emptively. Nope, not going to dump him pre-emptively. Didn't even cross my mind. I am just going to ride it out.
Star Gazer Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I can't fathom what makes you believe that you are the sole arbiter of how ES needs to be spoken to, what will help her, what is bad for her, etc. Where does that come from? Frankly, I disagree that you have any idea what would help her. But I don't presume to truly know. And obviously, if TBF had all the answers, ES would be fixed by now. She has, after all, been here for over 5 years. TBF doesn't know any better how to "fix" ES than anyone else here.
bittersweet memories Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Nope, not going to dump him pre-emptively. Didn't even cross my mind. I am just going to ride it out. Good Girl!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Good Girl! Heh, yes I learned from my mistake. I already dumped him pre-emptively once and it was a silly move. He got over it but if I did it again it would turn the relationship into a complete joke. I think that regardless of what happens here, it was still a good experience. I have learned how to truly connect and be intimate and vulnerable with someone. This is the only (romantic) relationship in my life where I have felt that I emotionally connected to someone on a deeper level. I have learned that patience always trumps acting out. We have had some really good times. I am going to write some computer code for the rest of today to keep my mind off things.
Recommended Posts