threebyfate Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 What do you want from this guy for both short and long-term, ES? You need to nail these down first.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Okay, so if it's a bad time because of work, how are you going to pull that rabbit out of the hat? This is the problem with taking a roundabout approach. Now he's going to think you're doing everything possible to get time off, when you've said here that you've decided not to go. Or has your desire to go changed because he reassured you that he wants you to go? And by calling it one of your "old tricks" you already realize the game you're pulling. Get the impulse control locked in, and stop yourself before you start. Besides, if you really want to gauge his interest, you could have told him, "Sorry, I can't go. Bad time at work" and waited to see if it got a sad face and pout from him. Furthermore, there are no turns to call. If you're needing the communication that much, it's your turn. Oh that's easy. I am going to genuinely ask my boss and I am 100% sure that he will say no. Then I will tell my boyfriend that my boss said no. Technically not lying.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 What do you want from this guy for both short and long-term, ES? You need to nail these down first. I want stability, security, consistency. I want to be in a relationship with him where there will be an every day flow of easy communication. I don't want hot/cold behavior. The problem is that I am not sure if my boyfriend is capable in providing that. For short term, I want every day contact and seeing each other at least twice a week with at least one night spent together. For long term, I want marriage and kids.
threebyfate Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I want stability, security, consistency. I want to be in a relationship with him where there will be an every day flow of easy communication. I don't want hot/cold behavior. The problem is that I am not sure if my boyfriend is capable in providing that. For short term, I want every day contact and seeing each other at least twice a week with at least one night spent together. For long term, I want marriage and kids.What you want is very reasonable. Whether he can provide it, only he knows so he's the one you need to discuss this with. Open communications seriously kicks ass. Can't stress this enough. Also, I'm basing my advice on the assumption that you love him and beyond the hot/cold behaviour, would love to be with him long-term.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Thanks for your help guys. I think that a lot of my anxiety and over-analysis stems from the fact that I am 32 and if I want kids, I don't exactly have much time left. If I was in my 20's, I could afford to chill and see where things go. Now, blowing a year on the wrong guy is pretty devastating. I am trying to predict the future so that I can move on as soon as the guy shows signs of not being what I am looking for. It's incredibly hard to gauge when that time is though
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Of course it is. I think it would be extremely weird if you talked every day. No it isn't. When I was dating and quite serious with my now H, we talked every single day. I want stability, security, consistency. I want to be in a relationship with him where there will be an every day flow of easy communication. I don't want hot/cold behavior. The problem is that I am not sure if my boyfriend is capable in providing that. For short term, I want every day contact and seeing each other at least twice a week with at least one night spent together. For long term, I want marriage and kids. You may not want hot/cold, but that is who he is. He's told you this. It's just the way he is, like it or not. I have a friend who is moody and needs time alone on occasion. Her husband makes an effort to give her that space she needs.. How long have you and this guy been dating? Are you at the stage of talking about marriage and kids? I assume not since you're asking about talking everyday.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 We have been dating for 3.5 months. ---------------------------------------------------- I just had the following conversation with my boss: Me: "I have some annual leave left so I was thinking of going to Europe for 4 weeks on 15th of July" Boss:"To visit your family?" Me:"No, with my boyfriend" Boss:"What are you smoking? Did you forget when grant applications are due????" Me: "What about 2 weeks?" Boss: "Not even 2 days." Me: ":( OK, thank you for your time"
Cracker Jack Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Damn, that sucks. Answer might've been different if you said you were going to visit family, but probably not.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 ES I am going to tell you a story that I have told here before but it bears repeating. Good strong relationships can survive without constant contact. Consider the case of John and Abbigail Adams. About half of their married life John was off working in the Continental congress or in Europe conducting politics, diplomacy and war on behalf of our cause. They could only send letters by sailing ship. It took months and months to get a letter from Europe to America. Even then by the standard of the day they wrote infrequently. Yet they stayed married over 50 years until death. The lesson I am trying to pass on to you is that a relationship that is truly strong does not need constant affirmations of love and affection. So relax if this relationship is really secure it should be easy if not then perhaps it's not even worth your worry.
OliveOyl Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 ES I am going to tell you a story that I have told here before but it bears repeating. Good strong relationships can survive without constant contact. That may be true, but she wants daily contact, which I don't think is unreasonable at all for the stage her relationship is at now. Things tend to follow the tone set early in the relationship. When she gets married, they will need learn to be comfortable with daily contact.
Star Gazer Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I am just wondering... in an established exclusive relationship, is it OK to sometimes go a day or 2 without any form of contact? IMO, no, it's not okay.
Star Gazer Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 She's expressed a need and insecurity and he's reacted by doing the exact thing she's expressed concern over. She's got reason to be wary of this form of passive-aggressiveness. If he didn't agree, he should have expressed this as at the time they discussed it and explained his reasoning. I find it really...odd, that anyone assumes that everything they do causes a reaction in another, or that they are so "ultimate" that their SO's behavior must have been caused by them. Yes, she expressed a need and insecurity. But what he's doing now isn't necessarily a reaction to or caused by what she expressed, or a form of passive-aggressiveness. We're not mind readers.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 I just told him that I can't go to Europe. He said that he is disappointed but understands. We agreed to go to Thailand this summer. He asked me how I feel about him. He claims that he has told me multiple times and given me so many compliments and I never said anything but "thanks". I actually haven't even realized that I have been doing that. So I gave him some compliments etc...we had a good talk. I will see him on Wednesday night so I decided not to hit him with any hard stuff about contact until I see him and think through what I am going to say. It's funny. I haven't realized how guarded I have been about my feelings.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 He also told me that after the first time we had sex, he felt like we had a moment...but then I started talking about real estate market lol
oaks Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I have done more than my fair share of initiating contact lately. It was definitely his turn. I am not assuming anything here - he told me himself that he has issues with being hot and cold and that he is just that type of person. This just magnifies my anxiety. It also makes me feel so distant from him, my walls go up and it's hard for me to be loving when I see him. Not the best situation for me to be in. Fair enough. So, is he just being inconsiderate, or flaky, or did something come up that distracted him or meant he was too busy to call? Maybe you just need to tell him, again, that you really need to hear his voice every day. I.e. give him another chance to improve.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 I still don't entirely trust him. I dunno, something just feels off. He is an extremely intelligent guy who could be easily manipulate me. I basically bared all, my insecurities and vulnerabilities. I am trying to squash dark thoughts but at the same time, I am scared. He just wrote an entry on his Facebook blog. It's something about politics and I agree with everything he said. It's like I have written it myself. There are so few people that I find intelligent, funny and interesting, and he is one of them. If this thing with him is not right, I just hope it ends soon. I have grown increasingly attached to him
oaks Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I still don't entirely trust him. I dunno, something just feels off. Is it just that you need him more than he needs you? That could explain both the feeling and his failure to keep up the every day contact. (Or "like" instead of "need".) On a positive note, perhaps there are date activities you could do to build trust.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Here I am again, heading straight ahead into heartbreak.
oaks Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Here I am again, heading straight ahead into heartbreak. Don't be so silly.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Don't be so silly. Yeah, I have those momentary freak outs. The important thing is to stay away from the phone and Facebook and just do nothing
Kamille Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I want stability, security, consistency. I want to be in a relationship with him where there will be an every day flow of easy communication. I don't want hot/cold behavior. The problem is that I am not sure if my boyfriend is capable in providing that. Those are great relationship goals and you do deserve all of that. You have to realize that this all goes both ways though. The way I see it, you also struggle with communication in this R (he has to ask for you to start calling him; point out you never compliment him); you also go hot and cold (one minute you're into him, the next you want to break up; you delete his number so as to not contact him when you feel insecure). So the question is double: is he capable of providing that... and are you? I think that a lot of my anxiety and over-analysis stems from the fact that I am 32 and if I want kids, I don't exactly have much time left. If I was in my 20's, I could afford to chill and see where things go. Now, blowing a year on the wrong guy is pretty devastating. I am trying to predict the future so that I can move on as soon as the guy shows signs of not being what I am looking for. It's incredibly hard to gauge when that time is though You're just justifying your anxiety here. If you preemptively end this relationship so as to not waste time, you will carry over your anxiety to the next guy, and behave in much the same way you do here, with the same excuses as to why you're sabotaging a relationship (ie, because you "don't have time to waste"). The solution is really to relax and learn to open up in the relationship you have, instead of putting walls up and pulling back the minute your bf doesn't meet your expectations. It's much easier to build something strong with someone who is already willingly there, than it is to gamble on the dating market. In other words, stop finding reasons to justify your all-or-nothing thinking. See if you can make this relationship, with a man you admire, work.
oaks Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I think that a lot of my anxiety and over-analysis stems from the fact that I am 32 and if I want kids, I don't exactly have much time left. Youngster! You have years left. Not decades, perhaps, but there's plenty of time to give this relationship (and, if necessary, many more) adequate time to see if you can make it work.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 This sort of stuff really bothers me. I opened up with him this afternoon and told him about my feelings. He didn't contact me since. He usually texts me good night, but I received nothing today. And this is after I gave him a bunch of sincere compliments. It's just off. If a girl you really like just told you that she really likes you too, it doesn't really make sense to go cold and not even text her good-night (something you do every day). There are many little things like this that just don't make any sense. I deleted his number again because I have poor impulse control. Lack of communication from his side is really killing me. It's even worse because I told him that it bothers me and he is still doing it I don't think I can take much more of this.
Kamille Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 This sort of stuff really bothers me. I opened up with him this afternoon and told him about my feelings. He didn't contact me since. He usually texts me good night, but I received nothing today. And this is after I gave him a bunch of sincere compliments. It's just off. If a girl you really like just told you that she really likes you too, it doesn't really make sense to go cold and not even text her good-night (something you do every day). There are many little things like this that just don't make any sense. I deleted his number again because I have poor impulse control. Lack of communication from his side is really killing me. It's even worse because I told him that it bothers me and he is still doing it I don't think I can take much more of this. You opened up using which mean of communication? Considering how sensitive you are, I would recommend opening up in person. You're right that something doesn't make sense in the above scenario. So you're sure he's already off to be without wishing you goodnight?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 You opened up using which mean of communication? Considering how sensitive you are, I would recommend opening up in person. You're right that something doesn't make sense in the above scenario. So you're sure he's already off to be without wishing you goodnight? Yes - it's after 1am and he goes to bed 11-12am - he ain't going to wish me good night. The only plausible explanation is that he doesn't feel the same way. I just wish he would let me go already.
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