eerie_reverie Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks Ariadne. Almost 4 months now. There are problems though = so I doubt it will last. Jesus ES. Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?
yah Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I like consistency so if there was no contact for 2 days, which is out of the ordinary, I'd be worried. I'd call to make sure he's OK. If it becomes a habit then I guess that's just his personality. I'd just have to learn to accept that he doesn't initiate contact sometimes and that it doesn't have anything to do with me or the relationship.
threebyfate Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Jesus ES. Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?Something's currently off-kilter. She's expressed a need and insecurity and he's reacted by doing the exact thing she's expressed concern over. She's got reason to be wary of this form of passive-aggressiveness. If he didn't agree, he should have expressed this as at the time they discussed it and explained his reasoning. Red flag is up.
sanskrit Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Put away the magic 8 ball and ouija board, your relationship is not your life. You desperately need some hobbies, friends, something to occupy your time with other than conjecture about what the tiniest fact or behavior says about your BF's feelings towards you.
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks Ariadne. Almost 4 months now. There are problems though = so I doubt it will last. Yeah, I´ve been following. Dunno now. See what happens. He already had the "take a break" thing before, and now lame message after no contact. Good luck though. (Men pain in the as)
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Something's currently off-kilter. She's expressed a need and insecurity and he's reacted by doing the exact thing she's expressed concern over. She's got reason to be wary of this form of passive-aggressiveness. If he didn't agree, he should have expressed this as at the time they discussed it and explained his reasoning. Red flag is up. Exactly Very soon into the relationship, something felt "off". What would you do TBF? Is it premature to break up with him over this?
threebyfate Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Exactly Very soon into the relationship, something felt "off". What would you do TBF? Is it premature to break up with him over this?I'd do the 1, 2, 3 thing. If this is the first time you've expressed your needs, I'd remind him of it and see how he responds. If he does it again after that, I'd walk. Wasted my time with a guy like this who couldn't and wouldn't communicate so I'm the last person who will encourage you to keep giving him chances.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 I'd do the 1, 2, 3 thing. If this is the first time you've expressed your needs, I'd remind him of it and see how he responds. If he does it again after that, I'd walk. Wasted my time with a guy like this who couldn't and wouldn't communicate so I'm the last person who will encourage you to keep giving him chances. Thanks. The last thing I want is to waste time in a dead end relationship. In the meantime, should I pull back completely and not initiate communication?
OliveOyl Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I managed to hold out in not contacting him first this time. I even deleted his number so that I am not tempted. It took him almost 2 days, but he did contact me tonight with a lame text. Something like "I nearly burned my house down when cooking just now. Imagine if I burned off my eyebrows. Would you leave me if I did? :D" I responded 2 hours later "Of course I would. So better watch what you do :D" (this had a double meaning for me). Basically, he DOES have some issues. I am not just making stuff up. Even he admitted to having issues. Some people are consistently inconsistent. As long as you what their pattern is, then it's nothing to be concerned over. If he's not contacting you for a day, what's wrong with your initiating contact after a day? Set the pattern now.... get him used to the fact that you want daily contact, and if he doesn't initiate... then YOU will. You're well past the game-playing, "is s/he interested or not?" phase so this shouldn't be a problem. However, after a few months, if someone had a problem with daily contact, and I'm just talking on the level of even one simple text exchange, then I would think they had intimacy issues. I don't like it when guys say stuff like "would you leave me if... " even if they are just jokes. That would be a yellow flag for me. None of this is stuff to break up over though at this point, noooo. I would stay steady and calm ES. If you stay steady but there is an inherent/building issue then it will come out through HIM, not you. If it's not an issue it will simply blow over.
threebyfate Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks. The last thing I want is to waste time in a dead end relationship. In the meantime, should I pull back completely and not initiate communication?I'd suggest you discuss it with him again, in a very clear and concise, non-emotional way since it's a same shyte, different day scenario. "Do you remember our discussion about inconsistent communication and how much it bothered me?" Then see what he says. If he dissembles, you've got a problem. If he apologizes and gives you solid reasons about why this has happened again, then perhaps he deserves another chance.
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks. The last thing I want is to waste time in a dead end relationship. In the meantime, should I pull back completely and not initiate communication? Remember that guys always come back to you one way or another. There is a saying in Spanish: He who leaves without being kicked comes back without being called. And I don´t think he´ll find a better girl and match than you. Maybe he is getting scared and doesn´t want to get serious so fast? But who knows really. Have faith.
johan Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Just call him and say hi, for God's sake. Every time he hiccups you think it's the end of the world. You can't have a successful relationship if you run for the door every time something doesn't go your way. Make up your mind that you want to be with him, and then work with him, not against him. It's completely reasonable for things to vary. You might find that next week he will be ringing your phone off the hook. Or maybe he's feeling insecure and wants to know you'll take the initiative and call him. R-e-l-a-x. Do the right thing. Not what your fears tell you to do.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 That's another thing Ariadne. He seems to have problem with intimacy and consistent communication. On the other hand, he told me two weeks ago that he is really serious about me and that he is already thinking about marriage. He even invited me to go to Europe with him in July (for 4 weeks) to meet his extended family.
threebyfate Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Was this before or after you broke up? If it's after, what he said prior shouldn't necessarily be factored into the equation. What do you want ES? Do you want a healthy relationship full of solid communication and compatibility or do you want one fraught full of anxiety?
johan Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 You're blaming him for your anxiety, when you know perfectly well that it's caused by you. I mean sure, low contact is an issue, but it's an issue that can be talked about, worked out, understood, compromised on. It's something you can deal with, and it's not a constant thing. It's just an occasional problem. Your anxiety is caused by you and your own inability to communicate. This is something you need to come to terms with about yourself. If you can find a way to understand it, you may be able to control it. He's not responsible for it.
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 That's another thing Ariadne. He seems to have problem with intimacy and consistent communication. On the other hand, he told me two weeks ago that he is really serious about me and that he is already thinking about marriage. He even invited me to go to Europe with him in July (for 4 weeks) to meet his extended family. Yeah, the guy went from not having a gf for a long time to being with a foot in the altar.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Was this before or after you broke up? If it's after, what he said prior shouldn't necessarily be factored into the equation. What do you want ES? Do you want a healthy relationship full of solid communication and compatibility or do you want one fraught full of anxiety? It was said after we broke up and when getting back together. He repeated it again last week and asked me if I asked my boss for the time off (I told him that my boss is away but I will ask when he gets back) July is a really bad time for me to go work-wise. I might have seriously considered it if our relationship was more stable, but I am going to tell him no. Of course TBF, I want a healthy relationship. The bottom line here is that after our serious discussion, he told me some things that bothered him about me. I really made an effort to correct them all since. Yet, I only asked for every day contact and he couldn't even do that.
threebyfate Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Ah, okay, I get it. It's not only that he's not meeting such a simple need but that he doesn't even acknowledge that you've addressed all of his. This could be a way to address the issue with him. Ask him if he's noticed your amended behaviour to meet his needs. Then ask him if he's amended his behaviour to meet your needs.
kiss_andmakeup Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 ES, though I don't reply I often (because I currently consider myself in no place to be giving advice), I have been following your threads. It seems like you've expressed your needs (and interestingly enough, he's expressed the same ones!) and he's not really trying to meet them. I think lack of communication is one of the hardest things to deal with in the early stage of a relationship. It leaves you always questioning, wondering, thinking...no matter how many other activities you occupy yourself with. I would have trouble not hearing from someone I've been seeing for several months for days at a time. I don't think your needs are unreasonable, and considering he's expressed insecurities with lack of communication, he should be able to comprehend yours. So either he still doesn't comprehend them (unlikely), or he just doesn't care or is seeing how far he can push it. I think you should talk to him about it.
oaks Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Yet, I only asked for every day contact and he couldn't even do that. I suspect I'm on ignore, but anyway... Is the rule that he has to contact you and not the other way round? Or do you really mean that you (plural) couldn't even manage every day contact because you didn't contact him either? Or was it just his turn to call?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 I suspect I'm on ignore, but anyway... Is the rule that he has to contact you and not the other way round? Or do you really mean that you (plural) couldn't even manage every day contact because you didn't contact him either? Or was it just his turn to call? I have done more than my fair share of initiating contact lately. It was definitely his turn. I am not assuming anything here - he told me himself that he has issues with being hot and cold and that he is just that type of person. This just magnifies my anxiety. It also makes me feel so distant from him, my walls go up and it's hard for me to be loving when I see him. Not the best situation for me to be in.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 I am up to my old tricks and decided to gauge where he is at with this question sent through FB. Me: "Hey, my boss is back from his trip so I am thinking of asking him about 4 weeks off in July so that we can go to Europe Just wanted to check with you beforehand if it's still on!" His reply: "YES it's still on. Please hurry because we need to book accommodation in London, Paris, Croatia etc. as well as the plane tickets. If he can't give you 4 weeks, ask him for 2 so that we have at least some time together. GO GO GO ASK".
johan Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 So do you feel better or worse? Call him, silly woman. That is if you want to talk to him. If all you want is for him to want to talk to you, then wait until he has something to say.
Intricategirl Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I am up to my old tricks and decided to gauge where he is at with this question sent through FB. Me: "Hey, my boss is back from his trip so I am thinking of asking him about 4 weeks off in July so that we can go to Europe Just wanted to check with you beforehand if it's still on!" His reply: "YES it's still on. Please hurry because we need to book accommodation in London, Paris, Croatia etc. as well as the plane tickets. If he can't give you 4 weeks, ask him for 2 so that we have at least some time together. GO GO GO ASK". Okay, so if it's a bad time because of work, how are you going to pull that rabbit out of the hat? This is the problem with taking a roundabout approach. Now he's going to think you're doing everything possible to get time off, when you've said here that you've decided not to go. Or has your desire to go changed because he reassured you that he wants you to go? And by calling it one of your "old tricks" you already realize the game you're pulling. Get the impulse control locked in, and stop yourself before you start. Besides, if you really want to gauge his interest, you could have told him, "Sorry, I can't go. Bad time at work" and waited to see if it got a sad face and pout from him. Furthermore, there are no turns to call. If you're needing the communication that much, it's your turn.
nothappyjan Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Look i don't think you are being unreasonable wanting daily contact. It's not hard to send a quick text asking how someone's going. While i dont expect daily contact when first dating, once in a r/ship I do expect it and I dont think you should feel bad for being paranoid about it. I like to work out how many times a week a guy makes me feel anxious, happy, safe, worried etc and if the negative emotions outweigh the happy emotions then maybe the relationship isn't fulfilling all my needs?
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