Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I am just wondering... in an established exclusive relationship, is it OK to sometimes go a day or 2 without any form of contact?
oaks Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I am just wondering... in an established exclusive relationship, is it OK to sometimes go a day or 2 without any form of contact? Yes, it should be fine, but everyone is different. Call him!
tigressA Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Yeah, it's no big deal. It happened a handful of times in my current R before we shacked up.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Yeah, it's no big deal. It happened a handful of times in my current R before we shacked up. Did you get anxious when it happened T?
tigressA Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Did you get anxious when it happened T? Ehh...it was mostly annoyance as it usually happened when I had asked him to call me/he said he would call on a certain day and it never happened. I knew he was just tired from work and forgetful but it was still irritating. If I really wanted/needed to talk to him about something I would just call him instead and it was no big deal.
utterer of lies Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I am just wondering... in an established exclusive relationship, is it OK to sometimes go a day or 2 without any form of contact? Sure. Don't let your anxiety ruin stuff again.
carhill Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I am just wondering... in an established exclusive relationship, is it OK to sometimes go a day or 2 without any form of contact?IMO, it would be odd if one is cohabiting and/or married and not subject to extenuating circumstances, like travel away from communication, but otherwise pretty normal IME. People, even people who pair bond, lead separate lives at least part of the time. Some of this time their partner is not on their mind. Each person is different in this regard. I see it as one aspect of compatibility. Even within a marriage, partners have differing levels of and timings for needing 'alone time'. This is where another aspect of compatibility, communication, comes into play. OP, you have a certain attachment 'style' and emotional 'style'. If you find that few people match up with those styles, it might be something to look at with a professional. Otherwise, it's a matter of circumstantial exposure to those with synergistic styles with whom you can possibly grow a relationship. If you're 'anxious', accept that. It's part of you. You can work with it. You have choices how that anxiousness impels word and action. You choose. What choice will you make today?
iJester Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 If it's not like him to do this, he's probably second guessing you and the relationship.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 If it's not like him to do this, he's probably second guessing you and the relationship. Yeah, it's not like him. And you are right I think. I just wish that he would tell me that he is having doubts so that I can move on. It's hard to just move on based on an assumption. It's also not wise to have "is everything OK with us" talks... Time will tell if this is his way of slowly distancing. I am just going to wait it out.
iJester Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Yeah, just try to occupy yourself with something else. When I start thinking bad things like this, I just act preemptively(maybe not the wisest move). Just go out with your friends and start talking to other guys. Don't cross the line and actually cheat, but get some guys to buy you drinks or something. Hell, give out your phone number if it makes your feel better. Or actually start setting something up in case your guy bails, who knows you might even find you like the new guy better, in which case you can break it off and move on from a guy that doesn't want to communicate with you.
Jono85 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 ^^ that's horrible advice and any guy who's gf would do that deserves much better anyway.
Kamille Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Yeah, it's not like him. And you are right I think. I just wish that he would tell me that he is having doubts so that I can move on. It's hard to just move on based on an assumption. It's also not wise to have "is everything OK with us" talks... Time will tell if this is his way of slowly distancing. I am just going to wait it out. You seriously have to stop putting the whole relationship in question every time you feel anxious / or your bf doesn't meet your (uncommunicated) expectations. Your bf, who otherwise has shown you he's crazy about you, hasn't called in one or two days. There is most likely a logical explanation, one that has very little to do with the worst case scenario you're imagining. Also, if being in touch every day is important to you: tell him so. You could also, call him yourself. Once a relationship is established, I think an initiaiton ratio of 1:1 is normal. And to answer your original question, yes, bf and I can go for one or 2 days without talking to each other.
Intricategirl Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Wasn't there a previous thread where he had a complaint that you have never called him? If so, is this the same man? If so, why are you still not calling him? I don't think it's a big deal at all. If it is a big deal to you though, you know his phone number and should dial it.
EasyHeart Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I am just wondering... in an established exclusive relationship, is it OK to sometimes go a day or 2 without any form of contact?Of course it is. I think it would be extremely weird if you talked every day.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 To clarify, I have called him since that thread and initiated communication many times. And Kamille, we have had a long talk where I told him that lack of communication bothers me. So he KNOWS and still does it. He even admitted that he has a tendency to get distant sometimes. I just don't get why he would cry when I attempted to break up with him only few weeks ago and then do the very thing that he knows irritates me the most. Anyway, I am not going to act pre-emptively again and break up. I have also found out that at 31 his longest R was 9 months. It strikes me as odd because he presents himself as very level-headed and stable. He doesn't appear to be commitment phobic at all. He is also very social and outgoing, has tons of friends and used to go out a lot with them before he met me. Given all that, it's hard to understand why. When I questioned him, he told me that it's because he is "complicated". Just to add, I don't think that 9 months thing is THAT strange by itself, it's just strange when you put it together with his personality (as he presents himself). If he were impulsive as I am, I would understand. If he were an introvert and a loner, I would understand. If he were passive and shy, I would understand. But he is none of those things.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 He is also inconsistent when it comes to contact. Some days, he will send me super affectionate texts every hour or so. Other days, he will barely send me 1 brief cold text. And no, he is not busy. He has a regular 9-5 job and barely any hobbies. He has a pattern of being hot/cold...and that's a problem for me. (he also admitted to hot/cold thing so I am not just imagining it). In our long talk, he told me few of the things that bother him (that I never called and that I never invited him to my place). I did both of those things since. He stayed at my place for few days where I cooked and did everything for him. Yet, he didn't even acknowledge it. The only thing I asked of him is some form of communication every day. And he is not holding up his end of the bargain. The whole thing just makes me feel more distant from him and less able to trust him.
eerie_reverie Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 You need to chill the fcvk out ES. Don't you have anything better to think about than your boyfriend?
johan Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I think the problem is that you think you can read his mind. You're attributing motivations to every one of his actions. When it's something that bothers you, you figure his motive is the worst kind. But you know that you've always found that his motivations are good ones, or are at least harmless. You need to stop doing that. You don't know what he's thinking. But if you want to know what he's thinking, get in touch with him and ask. Relationships aren't constant. They have little waves like people have moods: lots of contact, then not as much. Lots of sex, and then not as much. It all comes and goes, and you have to be able to understand that that's how it is. So call him or text him or email him. Just say hi. Ask him why you haven't heard from him. Accept his explanation, and leave it at that.
OliveOyl Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Hmmm I don't think it's unusual or extreme to want some form of contact every day. I know I do. There was a question/quiz on OKCupid about that and a lot of guys answered they did want some form of contact every day. But I also think that not having contact every day doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is getting worse. Some people just need more space and "hot/cold" is their normal style. I've known people like that.
Intricategirl Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 To clarify, I have called him since that thread and initiated communication many times. Okay, and you can't this time because?? It's his turn, or what?? I have also found out that at 31 his longest R was 9 months. It strikes me as odd because he presents himself as very level-headed and stable. He doesn't appear to be commitment phobic at all. He is also very social and outgoing, has tons of friends and used to go out a lot with them before he met me. Given all that, it's hard to understand why. When I questioned him, he told me that it's because he is "complicated". Just to add, I don't think that 9 months thing is THAT strange by itself, it's just strange when you put it together with his personality (as he presents himself). If he were impulsive as I am, I would understand. If he were an introvert and a loner, I would understand. If he were passive and shy, I would understand. But he is none of those things. Which really doesn't have anything to do with him going 2 days without calling. To put it in different terms than Johan, this is not Sherlock Holmes type stuff. Apart from those books, you cannot reasonably deduce that the muddy footprint was left by a 3' woman carrying weights and wearing men's shoes. And you cannot reasonably deduce that he's going away forever because he hasn't called in 2 days.
threebyfate Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Passive-aggressive shyte is so annoying! To be fair, the two of you have the same issues, just the flip side of the coin. He wants YOU to contact him more and you want consistent contact FROM him. What this means is that one of the two of you will need to step up to the plate to break the impasse. At present, looks like both of you are playing a power and proof game.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 spookie, YES I know I need to chill the f... out johan, your waves explanation makes sense. Now that I think about my long term friendships and even family relationships, their intensity comes and goes in waves. It's just that I obsess less about them so I don't even notice. AGH, I need to stop thinking and just let things be, for however long they last. At least I didn't cause a scene or attempted to break up this time.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Passive-aggressive shyte is so annoying! To be fair, the two of you have the same issues, just the flip side of the coin. He wants YOU to contact him more and you want consistent contact FROM him. What this means is that one of the two of you will need to step up to the plate to break the impasse. At present, looks like both of you are playing a power and proof game. I managed to hold out in not contacting him first this time. I even deleted his number so that I am not tempted. It took him almost 2 days, but he did contact me tonight with a lame text. Something like "I nearly burned my house down when cooking just now. Imagine if I burned off my eyebrows. Would you leave me if I did? :D" I responded 2 hours later "Of course I would. So better watch what you do :D" (this had a double meaning for me). Basically, he DOES have some issues. I am not just making stuff up. Even he admitted to having issues.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Good luck ES! Thanks Ariadne. Almost 4 months now. There are problems though = so I doubt it will last.
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