bikinibeach Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 My ex and I had this connection I've never felt before from day one. It was just there and so strong. However, I knew from the first day, that there was something a bit off. And then the next week I got another red flag...and another. - our first date, he cut it short telling me he was going to a party and hurried me along. (i thought: ....wouldn't it make sense to invite me since we're hitting it off") - the first time i slept over, i woke to find him dressing frantically and handing me my things. i asked what was wrong and he said he was meeting "m---" for lunch. (I thought: WOW! he is so frantic! it must be a special occasion. or maybe she is leaving town soon or.... NOPE! turns out she just wanted him to randomly meet her at her office so they could get sandwiches together...again....i wondered why he didn't even think to invite me?) - new years. i invited him out with my friends and i. he said he spends every new years with his family (that lives one block away from him, btw) but that we could meet up after midnight to hang out....lol. this guy is 27, btw. basically, he and his ex (his "best friend") are codependent on each other. i finally broke up with him for good on monday when he proudly told me that he had considerably cut their hang out time in half. when i asked what that meant, he said that they were ONLY seeing each other twice a week now!!!! :):) on thursdays, they would go out for dinner and discover new restaraunts together and then one other night, they'd just hang at her place where she cooks for him and they watch tv and listen to music. he said this is the BARE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM they could agree to.lol how i let this go on for 5 months, i do not know. we broke up and got back together soo many times. i should have just had the guts then. i will say that i DO think that we were made for each other, but he messed up his fate by keeping her in his life after they broke up. they were not meant to be together, he should have left it alone. i can now safely say i will NEVER go back to him. nor will i allow myself to be added to his "platonic" harem of past love interests. the thing that bugs me most is that HE THINKS he just needs to find someone who is ok with being friends with exes. also, that it's alright for him and this girl to deceive the people they date in the future by lying about having almost gotten married before. i look back now and although i think i should want to kick myself, i have never been with (or hell, even KNOWN) a guy this messed up in MY LIFE so if anything, i think i've done pretty good considering he is an anomaly. I had many a moment when I thought to myself "OK. In the past when a red flag came up and you ignored it, you always regretted it. What are you going to do this time??" Rationalize it what I did. And allow him to justify and explain away my concerns. All the justifying in the world doesn't stop actions. Actions that hurt you. I sent him this email a month and a half in. He sent me back one 3 times as long that justified and explained and danced around etc etc i now will ALWAYS, always stick to my guns. listen to your gut first, and then your heart. "I was wondering.. other than not living or sleeping together, if M--- is your best friend, what differentiates her from a girlfriend? To me, based on your closeness and the amount of time that you spend together, you are basically continuing your relationship without sex or expectations. You don't have to marry her, but she'll be a big part of your life forever.Wow...cake. If she is your best female friend, then what does that make me? The one you have sex with? More cake. I think your best friend of the opposite sex should be the one that you are with. I'm not sure if you feel like you need to know me better or longer before that happens or if that is something is isn't going to change for you two. I don't think that I deserve to be second best friend but first sex partner. You aren't in a sexual relationship with her, but you are in an emotional one and that is clear to me. You need an emotional and a sexual relationship to make a whole. But I don't think that your having a sexual one with one girl and an emotional one with another is my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, what we have is definitely more than sex but when you looked into my eyes told me, emphatically, that SHE was your best friend, it made me feel bad. You have the right to have relationships the way that you want them. I have the right to decide whether or not I want to be involved with that. I would never issue an ultimatum or ask you to choose- that's a little drastic. Also controlling and a little crazy. All I can hope is that you can see where I'm coming from and really hear what I'm saying because it bothers me. I have thought about it a lot and I'm quite sure that I'm right about this one. Maybe I should be in a relationship with someone who shares the same views on being best friends with an ex? I don't know. I do know that I can see you being my best friend in the near future. My feelings for you are deepening and I don't want to get further invested if this is not something that I can live with. And that has nothing to do with my level of maturity. I don't know what to do. I don't like having to feel this way and I don't know if I want to put myself through that until M--- gets a new boyfriend. I hope none of this seems harsh, I'm not angry just expressing what is on my mind. I don't want to hurt you. I want to be with you! You haven't done anything wrong before now. But now you know. Sorry to email you but I had to write it. Maybe I need some time and space. "
iJester Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 He's trying to make to make you think you're crazy, and even said so directly. He expects that you'll come running back to him. Don't respond to any subsequent contact from him(I bet there will be a lot of it.)
BookerT Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Women are very intuitive. The only reason they get played by men, or men getting played by women for that matter, is because once a person is emotionally attached, their reasoning ability goes out the window and they don't want to accept the truth.
milkmaterial Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) you know i really dont get why he insisted on being in a R with you when he sort of had one w/ his ex. i know about guys and girls being their best friends but usually these girls know when to back off and give space for you and the bf. he could've just been w/ her instead..not unless he thinks being with you makes her want him more, in a sick kinda way. i know people (esp. other guys) will tell you that youre crazy, that your feelings are nonsense and you must be losing it for feeling this way, that the guy is innocent blah blah..dont listen to them, listen to yourself. you're the one suffering. i wont even have to sit here and ask peoples opinions if its normal or not. if it hurts then maybe something is wrong, maybe this setup works for other people (like the ones telling you that you're wrong) but certainly it doesnt work for you. theres a reason why an ex is an ex. Edited May 29, 2011 by milkmaterial
Sanman Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 OP, I have been where you are and the truth is that you did the right thing by leaving. You can't have a relationship where one considers another second to you. I have friends with a opposite sex best friend. He still realizes his fiancee come first and his friends puts her husband first. You can be friends, but the boundaries in the situation you describe are severely compromised and not healthy.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I'm in a similar situation, although maybe not quite as drastic, (I'm not sure), I'll write in more detail tomorrow, your post stuck a lot of chords with me
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