My boyfriend and I need to have "the talk"

[Whipple]

I previously discussed my story in this thread:

 

Read me

 

For a summary of my situation, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months now. I found out a couple of months ago that I would be moving 200 miles away for work-related stuff. At that time, we discussed and decided upon taking everything day by day and close to my moving day we’ll come to a final decision of whether or not to continue the relationship by doing LDR or breaking up. Well, the time is coming up in a few weeks and so we need to have “the talk” very soon, probably within a week or two. The problem is I don’t know what to say and how to prepare myself for the worse case scenario (he wants to break up).

 

I want to tell him that I like him a lot and that I at least want to try a LDR since we have nothing to lose and although we both have bad histories with LDRs, the distance this time isn’t too terrible. I also want to end the distance in 1 year or 2 years. But I don’t know how to effectively tell him that and also how to not get over-emotional. Sometimes when I get nervous and emotional, I start making really pessimistic statements and that’s not going to help my situation.

 

I’m worrying myself sick over this. I especially have this bad feeling that he's not even gonna want to try a LDR since all of his past relationships have ended in LDR due to lack of visits. Anyone have any advice on how to approach this, have things to say, and prepare myself?

 

Thanks all in advance for any advice! Anything is appreciated

[Idalis]

My bf and I went LD over a year in to our relationship. At the time there was no question in either of our minds that our relationship would continue even though we knew it meant at least 3 years of being apart. 250 miles or so. We're still going strong, but I will be the first one to say it is DAMN HARD to keep our relationship strong. We require more communication, more understanding, more patience, etc etc than "normal" couples and sometimes we get frustrated.

 

Now, back to you, why do you have a feeling he won't want to do the LD thing?? If you've been in an LD before then you know it takes to 100% willing parties to be in it. Otherwise, it will fail, and you both will get hurt.

 

If you are 100% sure about continuing this, then I would bring up the subject and then let him take the lead and see what he wants to do. The last thing you want is to have to be the one convincing him in to an LD. He'll end up resenting you, or worse, you'll end up feeling his lack of participation once you move away. I know its hard but 6 months in to it you're still at a spot where your heart is probably not completely invested (I'm assuming here since you said you'll tell him you "like" him a lot, not "love" him a lot). Anyhow, I know its hard but if you have to convince him in to it I'd probably just walk away. It might be where you're sad for a while and then meet someone else in your new location OR he might miss you, and realize he made a huge mistake, and make an effort to make it work.

 

Best of luck, I hope everything turns out the way you want it too!

[Whipple]

My bf and I went LD over a year in to our relationship. At the time there was no question in either of our minds that our relationship would continue even though we knew it meant at least 3 years of being apart. 250 miles or so. We're still going strong, but I will be the first one to say it is DAMN HARD to keep our relationship strong. We require more communication, more understanding, more patience, etc etc than "normal" couples and sometimes we get frustrated.

 

Now, back to you, why do you have a feeling he won't want to do the LD thing?? If you've been in an LD before then you know it takes to 100% willing parties to be in it. Otherwise, it will fail, and you both will get hurt.

 

If you are 100% sure about continuing this, then I would bring up the subject and then let him take the lead and see what he wants to do. The last thing you want is to have to be the one convincing him in to an LD. He'll end up resenting you, or worse, you'll end up feeling his lack of participation once you move away. I know its hard but 6 months in to it you're still at a spot where your heart is probably not completely invested (I'm assuming here since you said you'll tell him you "like" him a lot, not "love" him a lot). Anyhow, I know its hard but if you have to convince him in to it I'd probably just walk away. It might be where you're sad for a while and then meet someone else in your new location OR he might miss you, and realize he made a huge mistake, and make an effort to make it work.

 

Best of luck, I hope everything turns out the way you want it too!

Wow, 3 years apart! I'm glad to hear that you're hanging in there! That's definitely not a small feat.

 

You're right. The last thing that I want to do is force him into an LDR. I played the whole "chasing game" in my last LDR and I don't want to play it again. It was so emotionally exhausting and not worth it at all. But when should I tell him how I feel? One of my close friends told me that I should start out by putting it all on the line right away by telling him how I feel. I haven't told him that I love him yet because I really want to reserve that word because I threw it around a lot in my previous relationship and it basically had no meaning. I don't know if I should tell him that I love him for the first time in this conversation. But trust me, if I wasn't invested in this relationship, I wouldn't even be having this dilemma. If I had just average feelings for him, I'd probably just cut him loose.

 

I do know that this conversation will tell me how he feels about me and how much he values the relationship. If he doesn't want an LDR, well then I know that he doesn't care about me the way I do for him. It's gonna hurt a lot and I'm terrified of it. I'm so tired of getting hurt.

 

To answer your question as to why I don't think he'll want to do an LDR... First of all, he's been in multiple ones in the past and they all ended due to lack of visits. I don't think he's gonna want to do it again. He's busy with school and the whole LDR thing will be a burden to him. I know he cares about me but he's such a nice guy so he cares for everyone. I don't know if what I have with him is special in his eyes.

[Whipple]

Well I did what you told me to do. I flat out asked him what he wanted to do. He agreed to at least give it a try. In essence he said that we'll just continue to take one day at a time as we've been doing and see how things go. His tone was a little pessimistic but he did discuss people that he knows who are in LDRs currently and how it's just something a lot of young people have to do these days.

 

So I guess this is good news? He didn't make any promises or guarantees, but I guess those cannot be made...

[madjac74]

So I guess this is good news? He didn't make any promises or guarantees, but I guess those cannot be made...

 

Promises can certainly be made! You were mature enough to consider his feelings on whether he wants to continue this relationship despite the fact that you are moving away and he responds by being "iffy"? That sounds like a childish response to me.

 

You also said after 6 months together that you "like" him a lot. Do you think you are in love? Love can survive an LDR. Like can not. In my humble opinion

[madjac74]

In essence he said that we'll just continue to take one day at a time as we've been doing and see how things go.

 

Oh and I must say that is the weakest cop out ever! He basically just said that if something better comes along and its local then he is going to jump on it. He wasn't strong enough to say "I'm committed to you and nothing.... especially a few hundred miles will come between us" Sorry to be so blunt but you handled this well and he basically handled it like an infant.

[Whipple]

Oh and I must say that is the weakest cop out ever! He basically just said that if something better comes along and its local then he is going to jump on it. He wasn't strong enough to say "I'm committed to you and nothing.... especially a few hundred miles will come between us" Sorry to be so blunt but you handled this well and he basically handled it like an infant.

Well, what do you recommend that I do? Should I call him out on it?

 

I didn't post the first part of our conversation, but maybe I should:

 

Me: So what do you want to happen to us when I leave?

Him: It's difficult to work out the specifics (he said something along those lines) until there's actually distance.

Me: But what I really want to know is if you want to try and LDR.

Him: (I forgot what exactly he said, but he agreed)

etc etc etc

 

I don't know what to think. He's very dependable and loyal. He calls when he says he's gonna call and always returns my calls, never cancels dates, sacrifices time with friends and even school (which is a big deal for him) in order to spend time with me, makes me presents, drops everything when I'm having a bad day, respectful...

 

So him acting really weak/jerk is a stark contrast to how he usually is. He's very forthcoming and painfully blunt at times so I would figure that if he didn't care about me, he would let me know.

 

I also want to throw in the detail that he's been in multiple LDRs before and they failed because there weren't enough visits, according to him. There's probably more to it but that's all he told me.

 

So what do I do?

[madjac74]

ok so its very possible he is trying to "man up" and act indifferent about the whole situation when inside he is very upset that you are moving. This is very infantile and I have been guilty of it myself in my LDR. There was a point I blamed her for moving and not loving me enough even when I knew she couldn't pass up this opportunity. He probably needs reassurance at this point so if you really want him you may have to stroke his manhood a bit.

[madjac74]

you may have to stroke his manhood a bit.

 

That wasn't meant to be dirty! haha

[Whipple]

That wasn't meant to be dirty! haha

But in all seriousness, how? If you're in the same position, what would you specifically want to hear from a girl to make yourself less upset?

 

ok so its very possible he is trying to "man up" and act indifferent about the whole situation when inside he is very upset that you are moving. This is very infantile and I have been guilty of it myself in my LDR. There was a point I blamed her for moving and not loving me enough even when I knew she couldn't pass up this opportunity. He probably needs reassurance at this point so if you really want him you may have to stroke his manhood a bit.

You might be on to something there... He's always available when myself or one of his friends is emotionally upset. However, when it comes to his own emotions, he's very static. I've never seen him overtly sad, angry, nervous, disappointed, frustrated, etc. He always appears his usual self and he knows that's the impression he gives people because he openly acknowledges (again, he's very forthcoming) that he keeps his emotions to himself.

[madjac74]

There maybe nothing you can say. I dont know your boyfriend and dont know how selfish or immature he is but a lot of people in this case will only focus on what they are losing rather than what their loved one is gaining.

 

I guess you just need to reassure him that you really just want him and that your moving away wont change that. He may have thoughts that you will find someone else wherever you are moving and you may need to reassure him thats not the case. I think you just need to get him to show some emotion and open up to you.

 

Being an emotional robot is not the best trait in an LDR.

[LostInTurn]

Hi,

 

If there's one thing I know, it's that no one can predict the future. As for you and you're significant other, quite honestly 200 miles (I believe you said) really is not that far. You could be moving across the country.

 

I was in an LDR for about, six months. The relationship started that way. COnsidering the two of you have been together for a bit now, this may be a bit easier to take. How often do you plan on seeing one another? Has this been discussed? There are logistics to this scenario.

 

I am a firm believer (and I never was) that space is the key to success in a relationship. Many people think they need to be joined at the hip and spend most of their time together. This is wrong. This does not allow for personal time with friends and an ability to maintain your own identity outside of the relationship (what I mean here is you have a less chance of losing yourself)

 

I wish you luck, I will say that. I hope this works out for you. I am impressed that you took the initiative to make this move for your career and did not put your heart first. That speaks volumes. This also means, that if he's not the one you didn't put yourself second.

[LostInTurn]

Well I did what you told me to do. I flat out asked him what he wanted to do. He agreed to at least give it a try. In essence he said that we'll just continue to take one day at a time as we've been doing and see how things go. His tone was a little pessimistic but he did discuss people that he knows who are in LDRs currently and how it's just something a lot of young people have to do these days.

 

So I guess this is good news? He didn't make any promises or guarantees, but I guess those cannot be made...

 

He may not have made any promises or guarantees, but this move is about you right now. I wouldn't recommend taking any promises or guarantees if they were offered. Why? Because this is a new chapter in your life. Embrace it.

[Whipple]

There maybe nothing you can say. I dont know your boyfriend and dont know how selfish or immature he is but a lot of people in this case will only focus on what they are losing rather than what their loved one is gaining.

 

I guess you just need to reassure him that you really just want him and that your moving away wont change that. He may have thoughts that you will find someone else wherever you are moving and you may need to reassure him thats not the case. I think you just need to get him to show some emotion and open up to you.

 

Being an emotional robot is not the best trait in an LDR.

I'm doing my best to reassure him, but maybe since he had bad experiences in the past with LDRs he's being more pessimistic. I don't know, I don't know. He doesn't talk about how good it is that I'm leaving for new opportunities but he doesn't talk about losing me. Like I said, he's even-keeled.

 

Hi,

 

If there's one thing I know, it's that no one can predict the future. As for you and you're significant other, quite honestly 200 miles (I believe you said) really is not that far. You could be moving across the country.

 

I was in an LDR for about, six months. The relationship started that way. COnsidering the two of you have been together for a bit now, this may be a bit easier to take. How often do you plan on seeing one another? Has this been discussed? There are logistics to this scenario.

 

I am a firm believer (and I never was) that space is the key to success in a relationship. Many people think they need to be joined at the hip and spend most of their time together. This is wrong. This does not allow for personal time with friends and an ability to maintain your own identity outside of the relationship (what I mean here is you have a less chance of losing yourself)

 

I wish you luck, I will say that. I hope this works out for you. I am impressed that you took the initiative to make this move for your career and did not put your heart first. That speaks volumes. This also means, that if he's not the one you didn't put yourself second.

Well, I didn't really have an option of where to move; I was assigned to that city but yes, I'm glad it's not too far. My options were A) Move to that city or B) Be unemployed for a year and have a huge black mark on my resume. I was once in an LDR that was 10x this distance so I have some experience.

 

We're two busy individuals so if I wanted to be attached to the hip, it would be impossible. But fortunately we're both independent and need our space. This relationship has progressed more slowly than past ones but this is the first one where I haven't lost myself. I couldn't be more thankful.

 

The logistics are really going to vary. My schedule changes monthly and some months will be more hectic than others. He works almost daily and sometimes he has to go out of town for a few days. So we're gonna play it by ear monthly. But I will be the one doing most of the visits. I don't mind. The bus ride is very cheap and I can sleep on it.

 

He may not have made any promises or guarantees, but this move is about you right now. I wouldn't recommend taking any promises or guarantees if they were offered. Why? Because this is a new chapter in your life. Embrace it.

Yeah, I'm bitter when it comes to promises and guarantees. I'm a doubting person and I've been promised stuff before in the past from friends, SOs, family and it always fell through. Now I don't believe in promises.

[LostInTurn]

 

Yeah, I'm bitter when it comes to promises and guarantees. I'm a doubting person and I've been promised stuff before in the past from friends, SOs, family and it always fell through. Now I don't believe in promises.

 

Of all the things you wrote... this one statement of yours stuck with me. I think it's common (I have done it, and I'm currently doing it) to not 'believe' anymore. It's an easy cycle to fall into. We take hits in life, and once we have our fill it's a heck of a lot easier to turn our backs to the thought that something can actually be believable, but sometimes... sometimes we have to do it. We have to believe. I am struggling with that right now. There are some things / people I would like to believe in and it's like moving mountains for me to wrap my head around accepting and following through.

 

Don't let life get ahead of you and don't punish yourself for past disappointments.

[Restless_Journeyman]

EDIT: Point was already addressed earlier.

Edited June 14, 2011 by Restless_Journeyman