GivenUp0083 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) Well, I didn't send the long email I've written intended for my ex. And I'm lucky to have good people on here to convince me otherwise (especially Darci). But I have come to understand something: This is not for me. I truly believe people are intended for specific purposes, and I think by pursuing a life-long partner, keeping options open, trying to create opportunity to meet people.....something just isn't right with me. I know it in my heart and I know that there is just something about me that doesn't appeal to that lifestyle. I've realized I've been chasing a lie. Despite getting a real good taste of that life for 4 and a half months, I've realized it was just that...a tease. It's not meant for me to have, and wanting to be with someone and do all that I know to make them happy is not in my destiny. I was meant for something else. I don't know what that is, but I realize I need to go back to just focusing on myself and preventing myself from falling in the trap of thinking there is still hope for that life and that happiness. I need to create new avenues and fulfill my happiness in other ways to fill the void of knowing that there is no future for me in that life of being with someone. There are many benefits to a life of being single, and I need to become more accustomed and appreciative of those benefits. Happiness is in the eye of the beholder, and I have to create it for myself. I've been able to make myself happy for years on my own, and I now realize that trying to find someone to share that happiness is wrong, and impossible. It's not for me, I know others believe it is there for everyone, but I know in my heart I just don't appeal to people in that manner and I'm probably not the best suited to fill that role anyway. I need to focus on my strengths and build on myself, instead of longing for someone else to make happy. It doesn't hurt to realize this, it only hurts when you fall into the trap and realize you've been burned. By not allowing myself to fall into the love trap, I can maintain a high happiness level that I have complete control over, rather than putting my faith in someone else and trusting them with the ability to crush my soul at will. It is over now, I've learned, I've understood, and I will grow stronger and not make this mistake again. Edited May 29, 2011 by GivenUp0083
Juliet24 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Let therefore, no man love anything; loss of the beloved is evil. Those who love nothing and hate nothing, have no fetters. -Dhammapada 211
radiodarcy Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 hey GivenUp! i'm glad we could help. you made the right call in not sending that email. and while i think it's GREAT that you have decided to focus on yourself, i dont think the fact that this last relationship didnt work out means you're not cut out to be in a relationship period. i mean if you don't want to be in a relationship because you don't like the headaches that go along with them fine. but not wanting to be in one because you don't think you're cut out for them is different. if you want to find someone to be happy with, you will. you just need to work on being happy with you and where you are. i think there are people who view a relationship as the overarching structure in their lives - - in that it gives them a sense of purpose and identity. and then there are people who see a relationship as part of their lives but not their whole lives. i tend to fall into the latter group. the only reason i went crazy the last time is because by ex refused to give me any kind of stability. he refused to define what we were yet we still did benefits stuff and talked every day. so it felt like a relationship. yet -- he also talked to other girls as well. whether or not he was doing benefits with them too i have no idea. i wouldn't be surprised though. but in the face of so much uncertainty i was left feel beyond insecure and unstable; i was constantly second guessing and doubting myself. and yes -- i sent several of the same emails to my ex that you were smart enough not to send yours! and his responses to those emails only confused me more. so yes - - going NC and focusing on me has been a godsend to my self-esteem and it will be to yours as well. but i certainly don't think you should take this as a sign that you can't ever be in a relationship again. i understand where you are coming from though. i thought the same thing of myself as well. but the longer i stay NC and continue to get myself back. the more i find myself abandoning that idea. i mean - - there are plenty of people who get involved in relationships who really arent cut out for it. but the fact that you have been willing to come here and talk about your feelings and get the help that you need shows that you have learned a lot about healthy relationships, boundaries and sharing feelings. that alone tells me at least that you are anything but not cut out to be in a healthy mutually loving relationship. of course that's not to say i'm urging you to jump into one now. i do think you're right in that you need to take time and focus on you. feel the pain your feeling now and once you start feeling better, start focusing on other interests and activities that make you happy. work on discovering and re-discovering yourself and what makes you tick. you can re-visit the relationship stuff later.
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 You don't have me convinced. You're saying all this now, and that's perfectly fine. You may feel that you are never meant for this. And that's good, go about your single like and seek out your own happiness, that's good. But I bet one day, right when you think you've got the rest of your perfect single-life future planned out, someone special will come along and make you want to love again. But that's the entire point, you don't need to actively seek it out, you don't need to "want" a relationship, many people say it always comes along when you aren't looking. So you don't need to "desire" a partner to share your life with, but you don't need to slam the door on the possibility either. Just go about your life and see if someone special comes along some day.
Mack05 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) Given up you can't give up! No matter how bad things get you can't give up on yourself. I agree you can be happy by yourself (and you must be, before entering a relationship. I learnt that lesson the hard way) but we all want someone who makes us feel whole. Who loves us for us and would literally die for us. Yes, losing someone we love is gut wrenching. Sadly we nearly all have to go through it and it's part of life's cycle. I like most people on this site is going through this tough process. I have been trying to convince myself that I never loved my ex, but it's nonsense. Course I did, I still do. I am in a very tough place like you (I am 36 and scared I missed my chance at happiness). But I refuse to accept defeat. I will find the right girl, no matter how bad the situation looks. Everytime I need motivation I look at this clip. Go to 1:20 in this clip. Yes people may look down at the Rocky movies and Stallones acting, but this is a great clip about life... "Now If you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth but you got to be willing to take the hits and not pointing fingers saying you aint where u want to be cause of him, or her or anybody. Cowards do that, and that aint you! You're better then that" Givenup you are better then that. NEVER GIVE UP... Edited May 31, 2011 by Mack05
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