Mimi99 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I met this guy online, we kinda hit it off. Texted alot and spoke on the phone occasionally. We set up a date and we met for lunch. The date lasted 8hrs. I thought it went pretty well. I was kinda taken aback when I first saw him, he was way more attractive than his pictures. I felt so shy and wasn't really myself. He is the most attractive man I've ever gone out on a date with. I wasn't really chatty and thinking back, not so intresting. After our date, he texted me the next day to say hi and see how my day went. I replied and asked about his day, then he ignores me. I keep on initiating texts and he reponds, but doesn't make any plans with me or call or even text anymore. I asked him out last week and he said he was busy. I asked him today to see a movie and he said ok, but we didn't agree on the time, because he wanted to meet earlier cause he has to be somewhere later. obviously he's not interested. But, do you think he's feeling sorry for me and that's why he's responding to my texts and why would he spend 8hrs with me, pay for everything that day but not ask me out again or communicate?
ladyinlimbo Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I met this guy online, we kinda hit it off. Texted alot and spoke on the phone occasionally. We set up a date and we met for lunch. The date lasted 8hrs. I thought it went pretty well. I was kinda taken aback when I first saw him, he was way more attractive than his pictures. I felt so shy and wasn't really myself. He is the most attractive man I've ever gone out on a date with. I wasn't really chatty and thinking back, not so intresting. After our date, he texted me the next day to say hi and see how my day went. I replied and asked about his day, then he ignores me. I keep on initiating texts and he reponds, but doesn't make any plans with me or call or even text anymore. I asked him out last week and he said he was busy. I asked him today to see a movie and he said ok, but we didn't agree on the time, because he wanted to meet earlier cause he has to be somewhere later. obviously he's not interested. But, do you think he's feeling sorry for me and that's why he's responding to my texts and why would he spend 8hrs with me, pay for everything that day but not ask me out again or communicate? It's entirely possible he's married/involved and his ability to communicate (and respond) is limited.....and also why he's unable to firm up future plans. The fact that he spent 8 hr with you on your first meet could have been just because his Significant Other was out of town. This makes the most sense because it makes NO sense that if he wasn't interested he would have texted you the next day to ask how your day had gone. Generally if a guy isn't interested, you won't hear from him again. I would seriously stop contacting him, he's not worth it. If he's not reciprocating or showing any interest, it's a waste of time on your part and you don't want to look desperate or like you're chasing him (even if you never see him again).
Author Mimi99 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks "Ladyinlimbo". I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I did or didn't do on the date. I thought that maybe, I came on too hard, by asking him out 3 days after our 1st date. That maybe he didn't like what he saw after meeting me in person. But then again, he spent all that time with me and his money too. He bought lunch, coffee, parking, drinks later on and even offered to pay for dinner. He said we should do this again and we hugged at the end of our date. A little longer than necessary. I thought it was the best date I've been on in my entire life. So, you can imagine my dissapointement at his lack of interest. I guess he has alot of women chasing after him. Gorgeous guy!
SJC2008 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 This goes for women and men. Unless a date is a total whackjob, how can you sum them up in one night? I think you should go on about 3 dates with someone before making a decision whether or not you choose to date them further. I think women do the one date and make a decsion more than men but men do it to. If you can TRULY sum up a person in one date, than you have a skill that I don't so more power to you. You'll be alright though, the no second date has happened at least once to most people. It is hard on the ego though, makes you look at yourself.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks "Ladyinlimbo". I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I did or didn't do on the date. I thought that maybe, I came on too hard, by asking him out 3 days after our 1st date. That maybe he didn't like what he saw after meeting me in person. But then again, he spent all that time with me and his money too. He bought lunch, coffee, parking, drinks later on and even offered to pay for dinner. He said we should do this again and we hugged at the end of our date. A little longer than necessary. I thought it was the best date I've been on in my entire life. So, you can imagine my dissapointement at his lack of interest. I guess he has alot of women chasing after him. Gorgeous guy! Yes, I know how disappointing it can be. I'm sure that everyone, male or female, who's done online dating can relate . I remember once having met someone on a dating site; he was a single Dad and finishing up his final training to be a cop so we talked on the phone for a good 2-3 weeks before his schedule eased up enough for us to meet. We had the best phone conversations, had so much in common (morals, values, interests, life goals), similar upbringings, he seemed so down to earth. When we finally met, I was (like you) taken aback by his gorgeous looks. His pics online didn't begin to do him justice. He was so good looking that I was a little overwhelmed and felt self-conscious a bit (that's no like me! lol). We met a a neighborhood pub close to me, they had a band (god I hate corny house bands) that night......we got the last table, right next to the speakers.....we had to yell to hear one another...it was awful and awkward. It made for horrible conversation. I wasn't myself, also because meeting someone that way was new to me. He hugged me goodbye and the next day I got an email telling me that he didn't think we clicked. I tried to explain that I wasn't really my usual self, we'd met in an environment not conducive to talking, maybe we should meet once more. He wasn't interested. I was kinda gutted for a bit............we seemed to have so much in common, how could he just forget that? Anyway...I know what it's like. And it's possible with your guy that he has so many ladies on the line that he doesn't see the point of making time to get to know just one......I'm sure it's a real ego boost to have so many show so much interest. Just don't contact him again. Let him come to you if he's interested, then you'll know he really is. But keep dating others, don't just sit waiting for him.
sanskrit Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 No reason at all to think he is married or attached, if he was, he would have pressed much harder for sex during the first 8 hour date when he had so much free time (too long for a first date btw). He may have other options on the site, or generally and is being responsive because he hasn't ruled you out yet, or is just being nice. Would cultivate other options and go on more dates with different men.
Author Mimi99 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 yeah. I've decided to give up on him and move on. I'm glad you can relate "LadyinLimbo". Sure does make me feel a little better. I was just trying to make sense of it. Men are so cruel sometimes. Obviously he was attracted enough to spend all that time, but then again he could've been bored out of his mind and didn't have anything better to do. I can totally relate with what you said about not being yourself. I didn't know who I was the entire time. I was like a 15yr old. So shy and had nothing too interesting to say. "SJC2008" I may have decided not to date this guy after a 2 or 3rd date. But the initial attraction was just something I've never felt before, so naturally i wanted to see him again and was over eager. I'm normally the type that tries to play hard to get. But, Not this time. I broke all the dating rules in the book. Lost my pride but atleast after he agreed to go to the movies with me the second time I asked him out, I told him maybe another time, because he wanted to go early and I wanted later. I just didn't want to rush, because he was trying to squeeze me in his busy schedule. He could've made plans earlier during the week, if was interested. I think he just felt sorry for me and didn't want to hurt my feeling.
Author Mimi99 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 No reason at all to think he is married or attached, if he was, he would have pressed much harder for sex during the first 8 hour date when he had so much free time (too long for a first date btw). He may have other options on the site, or generally and is being responsive because he hasn't ruled you out yet, or is just being nice. Would cultivate other options and go on more dates with different men. Thanks "Sanskrit". Yeah, you're probably right. I guess he was just being nice by responding to my texts.
Author Mimi99 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 I should add, Mimi, in my experience posted above, it got me even more because we'd exchanged many recent pics prior to meeting.....so I truly looked no different in person. I felt we didn't connect because we in an awful environment that just wasn't conducive to anything. It made it all the more difficult to understand his sudden change of heart. In your case, I don't think he was responding to your texts just because he was just being nice. He would have never spent 8 hours with you had he not been interested, no way in the world. And if he'd not felt a connection, there was no way he'd have been the first to text the next day. I strongly suspect his dance card is just really full and he's like a kid in a candy store. Is he relatively new to online dating? Maybe he is and he's never had so much attention and interest shown to him before and he's just dating tons....but that can really get old after awhile (not to mention expensive for him!). @ ladyinlimbo. Yes he's new to online dating and where he relocated from, he said there are more men than women and that it's the opposite here. So yes, I think you're right about him being a kid in a candy store. He's getting way too much attention. I wouldnt be suprised if all the women on the site have been contacting him. And he did say, I looked like my pics. It's just so dissapointing how things turned out. But, our situation is so similar! Atleast your guy had the decency to let you know what he thought and didn't keep u guessing.
2sunny Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 8 hours is too long for a first date. you should have left after and hour or two... so he has something to wonder about. mystery is always a good thing. and don't chase. that's not good in the beginning either. and then you wanted Saturday. Saturday is always set up for their number one gal - and they line that up early in the week. so back away... he's probably got many lines baited and in the water. IF he finds you intriguing - he'll ask you.
alexlakeman Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 But, do you think he's feeling sorry for me and that's why he's responding to my texts and why would he spend 8hrs with me, pay for everything that day but not ask me out again or communicate? I had a 4+ hour date with a lady this past Friday; we actually hit two different bars together...had a decent time, wouldn't say great, but pretty good.. we texted that night afterwards; but I woke up the next day and said to myself , "nahhhh, forget it"... She texted in the am....I didn't respond, was going to ignore her... she called a few hrs later... I didn't take the call......... she texted back in the evening.. at which point I just texted her back I didn't think there was enough chemistry, but nothing against her... So he probably had second thoughts once he evaluated the evening, how ever great it was.
alexlakeman Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 and don't chase. that's not good in the beginning either.. So who's going to chase? The guy? Is that the rule?
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 So who's going to chase? The guy? Is that the rule? No, I think what she meant was OP is doing all the initiating and he's not responding by making plans or reaching out to her first. That's a sign of low interest on his part. She's showing interest, he is not. because of that, she shouldn't chase him. Everyone would be telling a guy the same thing if he was getting the same kind of responses. My last ex asked me out again at the end of our first date, and he continued to set up dates with the end of each subsequent date... I knew he was interested- and he knew I was. It was mutual. This situation isn't mutual, he's growing a bit cold- which is why people are suggesting she not chase him- and she shouldn't- he isn't giving her reason to. It sucks when things don't work out when you have an attraction to someone- but if they aren't giving you the right signals, you have to pull back, no matter what your gender.
SJC2008 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Mimi99, a girl I dated a few months ago did the same thing to me. I felt terrible, so I feel ya, I was SO attracted to her, without exaggerating I have only been that strongly attracted to a woman once before so that makes it all the more worse. Attraction is strange, if you put an average or pretty person that you are "attracted" to next to a supermodel, the person you are attracted to will be prettier in your eyes any day of the week.
Author Mimi99 Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Yeah, attraction is very strange. And sometimes we make excuses for those we're attracted to and accept all the things we never did with anyone else. It's funny how people play games while dating. The cat and mouse chase, is very annoying. It's the first time I've been the cat:) But Like everyone said, I'm gonna back off. He decided to contact me today, figure that out:rolleyes: It's so strange. I had been in 2 long unsuccesful relationships all through out my 20's and I have no real experience with the dating world. I'm learning though. I felt like a little school girl for the first time since I was a teenager with this guy Thanks for everyone for the advice. I love this forum!!
thatone Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 there's really no way to know without telling him what you think and seeing what he says in return. everyone has been in your shoes at some point, and his shoes as well for that matter. you got two dates in one week and you assume you'll like one more than the other, so you put more effort into one than the other. then maybe your mind changes after meeting both. happens all the time.
spiderowl Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 It seems likely he's sort of interested but has other distractions too, hence the sporadic messages and lack of direct response. Do you really need someone haphazard like that? His behaviour is irritating, tedious and nonsensical, certainly no basis for a relationship. What struck me was that you were very impressed he was a gorgeous guy. Physical attractiveness is pretty special but you may well find that if you spend more than one evening with this guy, you'll realise he has little in the way of personality or the qualities you'd really like in a guy - for example, intelligence, politeness, kindness, gentleness, consideration. It is easy to be so blinded by looks that one becomes more tolerant without realising it. I'm not saying the guy is awful because he looks good but it's worth being more discerning. Next time you meet someone you find so physically appealing, try pretending you can't see him and listen to what he's saying and notice how he treats you. Such an exercise can be very revealing. Working on that basis, the guy you went out with is erratic and thoughtless. He's possibly 'occupied' elsewhere with someone else. Good looks aside, is that the kind of guy you'd like in your life?
Author Mimi99 Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Yes I was blinded by his looks, and I thought I wasn't shallow. I Just don't come across guys who look like him and I couldn't believe a good looking guy like that would give me so much attention( this was before the date), and when it stopped I started second guessing myself. I think he's more interested in me stroking his ego with my texts more than anything else.Now that I think of it, he's clearly not interested enough to date me. And "spiderowl" you're right. I should be more focused on a guys personality instead of his looks. That's probably why I'm still single. I don't think this would workout even if he were to ask me out again. I don't like to ignore people if they text or call me. Do you think I should ignore any texts from him? I think he deserves it. What do you think?
dispatch3d Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Unless he texts you asking you out, or asks you out directly in another way, I would move on. Don't contact him first anymore. I'd just stop active pursuit of this one altogether. In short, move on to other prospects unless given good reason to go back. I wouldn't do anything to try to "make him like you" or whatever. Doesn't really work. You can't control how he feels.
dispatch3d Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Yes I was blinded by his looks, and I thought I wasn't shallow. I Just don't come across guys who look like him and I couldn't believe a good looking guy like that would give me so much attention( this was before the date), and when it stopped I started second guessing myself. I think he's more interested in me stroking his ego with my texts more than anything else.Now that I think of it, he's clearly not interested enough to date me. And "spiderowl" you're right. I should be more focused on a guys personality instead of his looks. That's probably why I'm still single. I don't think this would workout even if he were to ask me out again. I don't like to ignore people if they text or call me. Do you think I should ignore any texts from him? I think he deserves it. What do you think? I'm not you, but I wouldn't ignore stuff he sends you. Maybe he has cool friends.
Author Mimi99 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Isn't it weird that when I stopped chasing him, he started initiating contact via text. Last weekend, he kinda invited me to go hang out this saturday. I didn't contact him all week, and he texts me asking" how's it going?" today. Never mentioned his inivation to hangout. we texted back and forth a couple of times and he then he just disappeared on me, ignoring a question I had asked him. I know he's flaky, but what would make someone act this way? I'm just don't get it. Is he playing games?
spiderowl Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 If he was really keen on you, he'd be there - texting, phoning, inviting you and turning up. He would be interested in you and your life, not just a 'how's it going' text. If he's really good looking, he'll have lots of options. He'll be used to women chasing him. Unless you are sure he's a really good guy, why bother? If you really do want him, then don't chase. Let him work for you. You are a special person too as looks aren't the only thing that matters. It might be time he learned that his looks won't get him every girl at the drop of a hat.
Silivren Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Have you ever seen the movie "He's just not that into you?" or read the book? ...seriously, says it all. If a guy is into you he will make the effort to see you, communicate with you.. period. I highly recommend it. It's really good.
Author Mimi99 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 If he was really keen on you, he'd be there - texting, phoning, inviting you and turning up. He would be interested in you and your life, not just a 'how's it going' text. If he's really good looking, he'll have lots of options. He'll be used to women chasing him. Unless you are sure he's a really good guy, why bother? If you really do want him, then don't chase. Let him work for you. You are a special person too as looks aren't the only thing that matters. It might be time he learned that his looks won't get him every girl at the drop of a hat. Thanks Spiderowl! It's just a mystery to me, why people choose to act so weird, like that. I normally, tell someone I'm not interested in that I'm not interested in them romantically. Sparing them the pain of trying to figure things out. But, yeah, I'm definetly not chasing anymore. I took everyone's advice on that one.
Author Mimi99 Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Have you ever seen the movie "He's just not that into you?" or read the book? ...seriously, says it all. If a guy is into you he will make the effort to see you, communicate with you.. period. I highly recommend it. It's really good. LOL! Silivren. I did watch that movie. I know, but I guess sometimes we try to ignore that gut feeling that " he really isn't that into me", because we don't want it to be true.
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