ladyinlimbo Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I've really been struggling with this. My sister (a few years younger, and a size 3) tells me I'm just far too hard on myself but I know she's my sister and she sees what's on the inside....so in a sense, she's obviously going to be biased. I've gained about 30 lbs over the past 2 years, found to be due to an underactive thyroid that standard thyroid bloodtests didn't detect. I knew there was something going on, I begged my doctor to look further, she wouldn't. I'm in the health care profession myself so I knew something just wasn't right. After much research on my own, I got the proper tests ordered that confirmed what I suspected finally (based on my research) 3 months ago. Thank God. Now I'm on medication to improve my thyroid function (and metabolism) and now with continued proper eating and exercise, I know I'll lose the weight. But at present I'm still 30 lbs overweight and I'm very self-conscious of it. I don't even feel like 'myself' (was thin and trim all my life). Over the past 2 years I haven't dated - by choice, because of a previous long term relationship that was a relationship from hell and I just decided to spend some time single (I've been married or in long term relationships all of my life, I'm in my early 40s, and I've really never been "single" for more than a couple of months so decided I just needed a break). I've recently met a guy through an online dating site and we haven't yet met in person. At least on paper/through emails and phone calls, we connect an many levels and have a fair bit in common. But I feel I'm at a crossroad because I'm terrified to meet him in person, being in the shape I'm in. This truly isn't something I've ever in my life face. I feel it would be very wrong to waste his time and to continue to communicate with him if I can't bring myself to meeting him in person, that's so not fair to him. I wouldn't like it if someone wasted my time. He's very active. He runs a lot, into sports, his kids are very much into sports. He's about 3 yrs younger than me. I don't know what to do. I would seriously die if I met someone I felt a connection with, only to get home after doing so and getting an email that said "you seem like a great person but I don't think there's any physical chemistry there on my part, I wish you the best." The thing is, great guys (and he seems great, again it's only on paper/through email/on the phone) don't come along everyday. Should I just end things now and wait a few months until I've lost the weight.........and then try to meet someone or should I just get up the courage to meet him now and see where it goes? But say I do the latter, we connect and he's still interested, how I deal with the fact that summer is here and I feel too self-conscious now to even think about wearing shorts or a bikini top...........I'm not about to go on some crash diet to lose the weight; I will do it sensibly so it would take 3 months or a little more. I believe I likely am a lot harder on myself than others would be.....but still. I can't avoid trips to the beach or hikes and such because it's too hot to NOT wear this kind of stuff? I just don't know what to do. I know that men are very visual and I don't begrudge them for being that way. That IS the way it is. I have a lot of great qualities and things/love to offer someone.........there's a lot of good stuff on the 'inside' but I know that most guys (understandably) want a mix of both the inside and outside. Should I just say forget it and wait until I've lost the weight to begin dating again? Should I be honest and tell this guy I'm a little overweight and out of shape and am working on it? I just don't want to waste his time, he deserves better than that. Thanks.
OliveOyl Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I was originally planning to wait until I was in great shape to start online dating. I'm not considerably overweight, but I would like to lose a few pounds. I was also going to wait until I was completely officially divorced (am separated 1.5 years) and had a great new job. One weekend I just said "what the heck" and filled out my profile anyway. I met someone who is in a similar situation as myself (except he has a good job). I'm glad I didn't wait. Your situation is slightly different because you've already connected with someone who intrigues you. Were you reasonably honest on the online dating site as to your current figure or do you have recent full body pictures up? I would be completely honest with him about where you are now and your fitness goals. You never know, it may not be an issue for him. And you wouldn't "die" (I know you weren't being literal here, of course) if he said there was no physical chemistry. You would cope.... on your way to getting back to your desired figure.
yaamaanu Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Just be yourself if that guy really likes you then u don't have to worry. We're on d same boat, I'm not little overweight coz "I am overweight"lol but I don't care as long as I'm happy and not hurting others. Be yourself and be proud no matter how big/small you are. Have u guys tried cam to cam (skype/ym) dating?
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 I was originally planning to wait until I was in great shape to start online dating. I'm not considerably overweight, but I would like to lose a few pounds. I was also going to wait until I was completely officially divorced (am separated 1.5 years) and had a great new job. One weekend I just said "what the heck" and filled out my profile anyway. I met someone who is in a similar situation as myself (except he has a good job). I'm glad I didn't wait. Your situation is slightly different because you've already connected with someone who intrigues you. Were you reasonably honest on the online dating site as to your current figure or do you have recent full body pictures up? I would be completely honest with him about where you are now and your fitness goals. You never know, it may not be an issue for him. And you wouldn't "die" (I know you weren't being literal here, of course) if he said there was no physical chemistry. You would cope.... on your way to getting back to your desired figure. I met him on EHarmony. It doesn't show a person's physical shape/status in their profile info....and I guess it was EHarmony that matched us. I have 3 pics, one is of me sitting on the couch from the waist up. In order to get these pics taken, (too embarassed to tell the person taking them what they were for)...well I knew the person taking them would think it was strange if I said "can you take a full body shot of me?" so I didn't. I know I still have a cute butt and hips, and my waist it still small........always was tiny in proportion. I hate having my pic taken, it always looks so staged and fake.......pics only ever look natural if they're taken in natural settings as opposed to just posing.
sanskrit Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Would start dating unless you are tiny and the 30 pounds really shows or causes you to not have any waist at all or lots of rolls. 30 pounds overweight just isn't that much these days. I was 30 lbs overweight when I started online dating years ago, but did fine meeting women, and by the time I got good at it, had shed the weight, so was experienced when I started to be able to date the top profiles. Maybe it would work out that way for you also? Wouldn't worry too much about chasing the right one off due to 30 pounds.
Mimi99 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Would start dating unless you are tiny and the 30 pounds really shows or causes you to not have any waist at all or lots of rolls. 30 pounds overweight just isn't that much these days. I was 30 lbs overweight when I started online dating years ago, but did fine meeting women, and by the time I got good at it, had shed the weight, so was experienced when I started to be able to date the top profiles. Maybe it would work out that way for you also? Wouldn't worry too much about chasing the right one off due to 30 pounds. I know it can make you feel less confident when you know you're not your best self. But as long as you're working on it ( working out and eating right). That should be enough, for now. If you've already connected with him, You should tell him that you're working out and trying to lose some pounds this summer. You can just mention it to him as a BTW kinda way. Do this before you meet. If he likes you, it shouldn't matter how over weight you are, as long as you're working towards your goal. Take care and remember its how you carry yourself that matters. I see plenty of attractive, sexy full figured women everyday.
Arikel Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 As long as its a fair enough picture, and recent, just go for it. You didn't lie by putting an old pic, or a fake/touched up one, so I wouldnt worry about it too much. You do need to be confident of what you are right now, and where you will be, but dont go talking about it tho
carhill Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Waiting doesn't hurt anyone else but you. I can only give you my perspective as a mature man, and that is I accept women as they are physically. Chemistry and intimacy doesn't flow from a lady's dress size or BMI, for me. It's *who* she is which feeds the chemistry set. Some active men want their 'woman' right next to them and tolerate no less. Others could care less. Active and physical is their passion, exclusively. They don't project it onto others. I was married for ten years and my now exW was overweight (more than 30lbs) for the entirety of our M and wasn't nearly as interested in physical activity as I was. Was that a negative factor in our M? Not from my perspective. I accepted her as she was, physically. It was how she treated me which drove my dissatisfaction with the M. I don't see that perspective changing. One datapoint. Good luck
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