milkmaterial Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 i have had chances to be with an mm but i always look at things this way...when i am with a man i imagine myself to spend the rest of my life with him..that way i feel i am not wasting my time nor his. and if it doesnt work out..(i got jealousy problems, and have been insluted in another thread for it..hehe) then i will just try again. ive done so for the past few years. so the married man calls me, asks me out. i know he wants sex. the fact he is a married man is a turn off for me, for some reason it screams "hes is just not into you" - if hes married. its like a standard thing in my head. if i ever would be, in any circumstances, be in a relationship w/ a married guy it would destroy my self esteem to have him come home to another woman. i'd be imagining them doing the "deed"..stuff he does with me he does with her. its like im giving her head too if i give him head..u know what i mean? i know it sounds absurd, used to be an old high school joke. anyway im just saying, i dont think there is a good thing to getting with a married man. especially if he still comes home to his wife and kids. it would annoy me and drive me crazier. well i know its difficult to turn him down if he looked like..george clooney..but the mere thought of him going to another woman --- i dont think i can handle it.
DCMNW Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 What you have to realize is that a lot MM paint the picture of being in a sexless, dead end marriage. For me, I wasn't thinking of xMM going home and "doing the deed" with his W, as he told me they hardly even spoke to each other when he was at home, let alone had sex. I was under the impression the marriage was basically over it was just a matter of getting the finances in order, filing for separation, and sorting out the details of who would move out, etc. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way-the situation was much more complicated as reality hit him and he realized how much he had to lose, and eventually decided to work on the marriage.
Silly_Girl Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I'm a jealous person and if the guy I am involved with was like the stereotypes being painted here, it would have been a non-starter!
OWoman Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 when i am with a man i imagine myself to spend the rest of my life with him..that way i feel i am not wasting my time nor his. So you only ever date guys you'd want to marry??? :eek:And consider anything else a waste of time? What enormous pressure for those guys - do they know that every date is a working interview to ascertain their marriage potential, and that you consider them a waste of time if they're not Mr Marriage Material? No wonder some guys have such weird ideas about women...
jj33 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 If its not for you its not for you. Your life will be less complicated if you never get involved with someone who is married. Curious as to why you posted in the first place as this forum would seem to be of no interest to you
Woman In Blue Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I believe that 99% of married men that want to cheat say they are in a sexless marriage. Sooner or later someone falls for the line. Paradoxically many paint OWs as malicious women that go after MM, however quite often they are quite naive and innocent. MMs also tend to pay a lot of attention to potential OW and are much more romantic than single men. A good MM is smooth and knows what to say at all times. Single men can be awkward and not smooth. IN addition single men have a zillion potential women to choose from. OTOH, MM have few choices (women that do not mind being an OW). Therefore, they work harder in the courting. Pierre's absolutely right - a MM has to work much harder at getting - and keeping - a woman's attention. After all, it's not like he has anything to offer, other than stolen moments and lots of surgary, empty words that really mean NOTHING in the scheme of things. I read here all the time that everyone's affairs are 'different' but really, they aren't. They're all the same - built on deceit, lies, and the calculate manipulation of the betrayed spouse's perception of their reality. Been there, done that, and I'll never waste my time or compromise my pride and dignity like that again.
Woman In Blue Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) Double post. Edited May 29, 2011 by Woman In Blue
Summer Breeze Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I don't know about anyone else but the draw to the xMM had nothing to do with him being married. We became friends and I knew enough people who knew his situation to know it was true. He never lied to me and he never treated me like a second class citizen. The attraction was to the man and I still love him. Everyone goes into any R differently than anyone else so there'll be all sorts of stories.
Author milkmaterial Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) @otherwoman: no i mean, if i am dating a guy its usually long term...i am just a "romantic" not much of a realist here although im striving hard to be cause thats how life is. back then, my friend told me she was dating this guy but she wont move in w/ him cause his toilet doesnt even have a seat. i wont date a guy if i have that kind of attitude towards him. i accept him for everything..warts and all. i dont mean to sound like i pressure them to marry, no. but i accept them enough to marry..if we ever last that long in our dating bf/gf relationship. also i didnt ask this cause i hate other women or other men, believe me..i have cheated in my relationships before. im in fact the cheater in my relationships..the only time i didnt cheat, i got cheated on. lol. so i have been trying to be straight for the past few years..i am getting old, too old for games. my best friend is also the other woman..but i cant ask her much without getting into a fight w/ her. he did tell her he was sexless w/ his wife but we found out he knocked her up during the month he first met my friend. my dad i think was cheating on my mom before but they never let us know about their problems. was in my early 20s when they finally separated she said he was cheating on her since i was 6. i just really feel/believe if there is still a piece of paper it means hes not fully mine. i want rights goddammit! if i have to pee on him to mark my territory..i'll do it! so be it!!! (jk but who knows) jj33: i dont really know if it wouldnt be of interest to me..thats why i asked. Edited May 29, 2011 by milkmaterial
YellowShark Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Here's the parts that I wonder about because an affair has so much baggage connected to it. So let's say you hook up with a married person: 1) Your relationship is based in secrecy and subterfuge. You can't be 100% open about it, and you aren't meeting at his/her place to pick them up for dates are you? 2) You never know who might see you and your "soul mate" while your out in public. So you run that risk as well. It could blow up in your face at any moment. Literally. 3) If this person can cheat on their spouse, then sure as hell they can cheat on you too. So they are untrustworthy. 4) Eventually there is a D-Day. Whether it is your own, or involves the BS.. it's still coming. 5) The destruction and hurt that is created when a BS becomes aware of the affair is real, sometimes children are involved. Why the hell do you want to be responsible for all that pain and carnage? I would not want that on my conscience. Those are 5 good reasons off the top of my head why I would steer away from a married affair partner... too much risk, too much baggage, too much pressure, to much effort, and real innocent people can get hurt. No thanks!
somedude81 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I think there is a certain appeal of a taken man. In essence if a woman knows a guy is in a relationship, then he's been pre-approved. Pierre also made a point that single men can often be awkward and not smooth. So they don't seem attractive as the MM. But they are single. Give the guys a chance.
swimmingfreely Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I don't know about anyone else but the draw to the xMM had nothing to do with him being married. We became friends and I knew enough people who knew his situation to know it was true. He never lied to me and he never treated me like a second class citizen. The attraction was to the man and I still love him. Everyone goes into any R differently than anyone else so there'll be all sorts of stories. I don't think many of us woman go into this situation because the man is married. I think it is the same things that you are attracted in MM as if he were single. It could be his sense of humor, the fact that he listens, his intelligence, his drive (not sexual), your common interests, sexiness or whatever. Why would your attractions be any different just because he is married.
Silly_Girl Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I don't think many of us woman go into this situation because the man is married. I think it is the same things that you are attracted in MM as if he were single. It could be his sense of humor, the fact that he listens, his intelligence, his drive (not sexual), your common interests, sexiness or whatever. Why would your attractions be any different just because he is married. Agree entirely. If it was attractive to me that he be married I've worked with predominantly men since I was 21 and have had plenty of opportunities... It was the person I fell in love with, I wish he'd been single when we met.
alexandria35 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I don't think anyone is saying the other woman is attracted to the MM because he is married, I think some posters are just pointing out that the MM works harder to hook the OW with his charm and attention because he has nothing else to offer her. The OW falls for the MM because he treats her like she is the best thing since sliced bread, but he can't back it up with anything meaningful.
SoleMate Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 ...the MM works harder to hook the OW with his charm and attention because he has nothing else to offer her. The OW falls for the MM because he treats her like she is the best thing since sliced bread, but he can't back it up with anything meaningful... Right. I have noticed this time and again in LS MM/OW stories.
Summer Breeze Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I don't think anyone is saying the other woman is attracted to the MM because he is married, I think some posters are just pointing out that the MM works harder to hook the OW with his charm and attention because he has nothing else to offer her. The OW falls for the MM because he treats her like she is the best thing since sliced bread, but he can't back it up with anything meaningful. It's no different than a player who is single. They do exactly the same so it's not really exclusive to MM. With my xMM he was himself. We had a great connection and great fun together. He backed it up with everything he knew he ever said he could and would and the whole thing was extremely meaningful and he backed it up for years. I do say that the tone of the OP was asking what the attraction of a married person is. To me that means why is the married part of them an attraction to an AP. I answered as I read.
Woggle Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Unless a person just wants sex which some do I can't see a single advantage to dating a married person. Why deal with all that drama?
Summer Breeze Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Unless a person just wants sex which some do I can't see a single advantage to dating a married person. Why deal with all that drama? Why on earth would you go after a married person for sex? Talk about unnecessary drama.
Woggle Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Why on earth would you go after a married person for sex? Talk about unnecessary drama. Nothing about dating a married person appeals in any way to me but the only slight advantage I can think of is easy sex with no strings. Men who do cheat will screw anything and women who cheat are pretty easy to get in bed themselves so it's a very lazy way to get laid. Other than that what good can possibly come of it? How is it worth all the pain and drama?
Silly_Girl Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 I don't think anyone is saying the other woman is attracted to the MM because he is married, I think some posters are just pointing out that the MM works harder to hook the OW with his charm and attention because he has nothing else to offer her. The OW falls for the MM because he treats her like she is the best thing since sliced bread, but he can't back it up with anything meaningful. That wasn't the case for me. He was modest, and in fact had a fairly low opinion of himself, relatively. He was natural, not what I'd call 'charming', or overly attentive. And none of it was 'hard work', on either part. I find these threads confusing because so many people, with conviction and sincerity, believe there's one type of MM who ceases to be faithful in his marriage. One M.O., one outcome. Yet posters here, and my experiences in real life, don't bear that out. What frustrates me is a fair proportion of the posters who claim to know all about MMs and how it goes, haven't had a meaningful relationship with a married guy. Yet those who have are considered to be lying when our experience does not match the stated stereotype. Ah well, its stand-off I guess
Silly_Girl Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Nothing about dating a married person appeals in any way to me but the only slight advantage I can think of is easy sex with no strings. Men who do cheat will screw anything and women who cheat are pretty easy to get in bed themselves so it's a very lazy way to get laid. Other than that what good can possibly come of it? How is it worth all the pain and drama? You're way off the mark. Way off! Sad.
swimmingfreely Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think anyone is saying the other woman is attracted to the MM because he is married, I think some posters are just pointing out that the MM works harder to hook the OW with his charm and attention because he has nothing else to offer her. The OW falls for the MM because he treats her like she is the best thing since sliced bread, but he can't back it up with anything meaningful. Some of us knew our MM's as friends before we got involved. I knew him strictly as a friend before we got involved. His personality and treatment of me has been the same since day one. I do notice that he is a lot more stressed since all this started. However he is the same charming, hilarious, and super fun guy I knew before. I fell for him because of his characteristics, 100 percent not cause he was married !
OWoman Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Here's the parts that I wonder about because an affair has so much baggage connected to it. So let's say you hook up with a married person: 1) Your relationship is based in secrecy and subterfuge. You can't be 100% open about it, and you aren't meeting at his/her place to pick them up for dates are you? 2) You never know who might see you and your "soul mate" while your out in public. So you run that risk as well. It could blow up in your face at any moment. Literally. 3) If this person can cheat on their spouse, then sure as hell they can cheat on you too. So they are untrustworthy. 4) Eventually there is a D-Day. Whether it is your own, or involves the BS.. it's still coming. 5) The destruction and hurt that is created when a BS becomes aware of the affair is real, sometimes children are involved. Why the hell do you want to be responsible for all that pain and carnage? I would not want that on my conscience. Those are 5 good reasons off the top of my head why I would steer away from a married affair partner... too much risk, too much baggage, too much pressure, to much effort, and real innocent people can get hurt. No thanks! Taking each of the above assumptions in turn: 1) Not all As involve secrecy and subterfuge. Some couples are open. In my case, for example, only the W did not know. In other cases on LS, the MM and OW have lived openly together as a couple. "secrecy and subterfuge" characterise only a subset of As. 2) This is related to assumption 1. If you are not a secret, why does it matter who sees you in public? 3) Anyone is at risk of being cheated on in any R. If one party has a history of having had an A at some point in their history, it surfaces this possibility and obliges the couple to confront the possibility and actively address issues both within the person with the A history, and in the couple, to ensure as far as possible that the R is protected against such threats. Prioritising the R in that way can make for a far healthier and happier R than one involving two complacent people who don't stop to consider the possibility that their R may be vulnerable to threats such as infidelity. 4) Not all As involve DDays. I've never experienced such a thing. 5) The only "pain and carnage" - if indeed there was any - was when my H's xW realised that her own actions had caught up with her. I have nothing on my conscience. No innocent people were hurt, and several innocent people are far happier and objectively better off as a result of the A. Sure there's risk - there's risk in any R. Sure there's baggage - there's always baggage unless you only date teens. Pressure? Effort? A lot less than in previous Rs, IME.
OWoman Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think anyone is saying the other woman is attracted to the MM because he is married, I think some posters are just pointing out that the MM works harder to hook the OW with his charm and attention because he has nothing else to offer her. The OW falls for the MM because he treats her like she is the best thing since sliced bread, but he can't back it up with anything meaningful. My experience is very different to this assumption. If all he had to offer was "charm and attention", we would certainly not be happily M now
Viscious Vendetta Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 "meaningful relationship with a married guy" is an oxymoron unless you're the moron part.
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