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Posted

Hating this guy is just as much of a waste of time as loving him was.

Posted
I've read quite a few of your posts. You seem overly eager to discredit people. Why is that?

 

I read BT's post above, which contradicts what I thought was BT's past. If she hasn't been in love with a married man, as I have, it helps me to understand why our views differ. I don't call my question 'discrediting'. I do like to understand the perspective of posters who post frequently, or with depth. I'm not alone there.

Posted
Do you mean I re-write my history? How so?

 

Not you hon, just some people in general.

 

Can't speak for 26, but just want to say that many of us here don't "need" LS. We come back to share what we learned -- just as we learned from others who shared on LS while we were deep in love fog/affairs.

 

LS does tend to be anti-affairyland, but it's not necessarily anti OW. It may bring people down, but only down to earth. That's what 26 seems to be seeking support for.

 

Affairs are very isolating experiences, often treated with open scorn from the public. What better place for her to come than here?

 

I agree!

 

I've read quite a few of your posts. You seem overly eager to discredit people. Why is that?

 

Interesting that others have noticed this too!

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Posted
Don't know if this will help you 26, but it helped me in an affair I once had that ended so ridiculously badly I can actually laugh about it now. Yes, it's been along time. Anyway, if you can instead of hating him try to forgive him and thank him for the wisdom he gave you. I know this probably feels impossible right now. You are angry, hurt and devastated. But your anger is only hurting you. He has to live with himself and he has to go back to his life and his wife and deal with the disaster he created. That is his journey. Yours is to take care of you and by forgiving him and thanking him for the lessons he has taught you, you can let go of the negative and make it postiive. Also, do not diminish the love you shared with him. It was real. Just because the situaiton was bad, just because he lied, doesn't change the fact that you loved him and he loved you too. It is difficult when we find out someone we loved isn't as good a person as we thought they were. Not only because we feel betrayed but also because we feel it is a reflection on us. How could we choose to love someone who isn't "good"? Remember, no one is all good or bad. We all make bad choices sometimes. You loved the good parts of him and your love was real. Don't minimize it. I don't know if that helps you at all but it helped me. And, you WILL heal from this. Yes, it will leave some scars but eventually the pain will lesson and you will move on to something or someone else with all the knowledge you have taken from this experience. Hugs to you...I know it hurts....been there done that TWICE! You would think I had learned my lesson the first time.

 

Gemini, this was a very helpful post for me, thanks. I understand that the anger/'hate' phase is normal but I feel better when I feel loving than hateful, so it's hard for me to deal with & I appreciate your recommendation.

 

At another LS member's suggestion I attended a unitarian church a few weeks back . . . I am not religious but needed some apriitual grounding . . . & they did a meditation where we were to sit there & think 'May I be happy, may I be safe, may I be healthy, may I live with ease.' I wanted these things so much that I literally cried while thinking it. Luckily I was sitting in the back row & I so hope that no one noticed . . . it was right after I went NC & I was a broken-down mess; I pretty much cried throughout the whole service while trying to keep my emotions under wraps. Then we were to think that meditation towards someone we love who is close to us; I chose my sister, & then towards someone who had hurt us & who we were angry at. I didn't want to think about xMM because I was trying to hard to let go & be over him, but, I couldn't help it because the description fit him to a T. So I thought that mediatation towards him - 'may he be happy, may he be safe, may he be healthy, may he live with ease' - & it actually really helped.

 

I have realized I can't NOT think about xMM ever, that's just impractical. I try to stay focused on myself & not dwell on him or the past but when those thoughts do surface, I am really going to try to look at it in terms of forgiving him [like i'm forgiving myself] & wishing him the best/happiness. As messed up as it all was I do know he loved me. Yeah it was the wrong kind of love, it wasn't enough, it was for the wrong reasons, it was a selfish love, etc. [& i guess I could say all the same things about my love for him], but it was love, it's not that he purposefully set out to hurt me. Wow when I think like this I get so sad. :-( I don't know what's worse- the anger or the sadness. Boy I can't wait to get to indifferent!!!! It feels like it will never come. :-/

 

Thanks so much for the help Gemini & good luck on your own journey.

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Posted

I have more to say but am meeting some people who may want to buy my furniture [wish me luck!], so I'll come back & post more later. For now I just want to thank everyone & I hope the mood stays peaceful because I really do appreciate everyone's support. I come to LS to gain helpful insight on my situation, such as I've received here. If some of you think I am just making all of this up, well, I sure wish you were right. But in any event I don't think it's worth fighting over. :-)

  • Author
Posted

Turnstone- I'm still not sure what you're trying to get at & I don't know enough of your story to question your own motivation for questioning -my- story, so, I am just going to drop it & I do appreciate your having dropped it too as I am here for encouragement, not criticism. :-)

 

B07- I've wanted to say since yesterday but I've been very busy that I appreciate your steadfast support. :-) We -have- had a kindred feeling from the beginning & I'm so glad you can relate so well to me. :-) you are the one who helped me figure out how to truly end it - with the goodbye text that gave me the closure I needed - & I am so grateful for you. :-)

 

I'm almost all moved in to my new place!! I feel deliriously happy for some reason. My sister said it's because I'm getting a new start. :-) Thanks again everyone and have a happy Memorial Day!

  • Author
Posted

Everything is out of my old place, & I just have to go clean it after work. I have a pile of junk in my new place & I think it is really symbolic of my life right now. For the past 9 months or so I've been living in a temporary place waiting for xMM to decide what to do. Looking back on what he said, it was all over the place, indicative of his conflicted confusion. One minute he would say he may need to stay with me for awhile & to stay put in my former place [this was usually when the wife was fed up & he thought he was going to be kicked out without notice], other times he would tell me to get a cheap smaller place because he was going to get a place he could bring his kids & otherwise we'd be there most of the time, & still other times he said we would be moving in together & he even talked about a certain house he wanted to buy for us. I feel really stupid for allowing his decisions [or non-decisions] to influence mine. I began to see that it was all talk, that nothing was happening, & that I was letting my own life stand still waiting on him to do . . . nothing.

 

This was true not only with my living situation but also with my life plans & career decisions etc.

 

When I think of the past I feel stupid for letting it all depend on a man who was going nowhere with me, & so I was going nowhere with my own life. But when I look at right now I think, well now I have to figure out what to do with my life without him. I don't feel like I"ll even know what that is until I've had quite some time totally without him. I still feel so up in the air emotionally & all over the place.

 

I think I was only staying here for xMM when really I should be with my family. But I don't want to make any hasty moves out of desperation- I want to make sure I know what I want to do & come up with a plan. One thing I am really proud of myself for is figuring out I want to go into business for myself - this was while xMM & I were still together, but towards the end of it, & I was being very successful at some projects at work & realized the specific field I want to be in, but for myself, not for my current company. So now I keep thinking, if I'm going to do it then why not do it back home where my family lives. Yeah it would be easier here because of connections & references, but if I'm starting over, why not do it big. Another thing I feel proud of myself for despite the affair - & I think a lot of this came from my therapy - is that I finally believe in myself & realize I can do/be whatever I want. So if the life I imagine is close to my family, then I better start making that work - which would be harder than doing it here, but I bleieve I can do it if I want to & if I work hard enough.

 

At the same time, I'm afraid to just 'run away' from my problems & back to my family . . . I want to face them head on here & feel like I'm happy with my current life but that I'll be making a change that will make me even happier. I need some time to develop a plan, save up more money, & make sure this is what I really want to do. So I want my everyday life here to be peaceful & happy. I need to keep de-cluttering so my new place isn't such a mess, & so I have things organized & structured. I need to keep it clean which is a weakness of mine.

 

I guess I'm rambling but these are just some thoughts & emotions I'm having. I had a great long weekend & was very productive but now that I'm back at work I feel overwhelmed & am just hoping I can hold down all the different forts. On that note I'm off to work on a project.

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