Just need to write it out

[greenman2]

As I write this, I am not really looking for advice on a legal side. I think that portion is very clear. However, the emotional toll has been difficult. Quite frankly, at this point, I have simply never really talked about what has happened and just feel the need to write it out.

 

My wife and I were married just over three years ago. We eloped just before I deployed to Iraq, and, initially things were fine. I always knew she had a bit of temper, but, the occasional unkind word doesn't make up for the remaining 99.9% of a person. While in Iraq, except for major operations, we were able to communicate pretty regularly. Despite the difficulty of being a military spouse with a husband deployed in combat (as an infantryman), she seemed to hold up with remarkable composure. I was surprised by how well she handled that burden.

 

Things did not remain on an even keel for long however. Things began to change almost immediately after returning from Iraq. For example, whereas she had previously always been eager to meet the family, our trip after returning from Iraq was one filled with stress and, at one point, she simply got up and left a family gathering for no apparent reason. After the initial trip, she refused to visit my family again. Even worse, the temper began to show itself. This came from snapping at comments that she decided she didn't like, to, at one point, screaming at me for picking up towels in a hotel room. She was, at the time, on medication that affected her moods, and I hoped that it was simply adjustment issues with the meds and the behavior would get better.

 

The behavior did not get better. The level of criticism got worse. You name it, and there was an issue. There was what I ate, how I ate it, how I cooked it, the way I used my knife and fork, and even how I loaded a dishwasher after I was done eating. How I dressed, I dress conservatively but nicely, became an issue as I was not 'hip' enough for her, and issues where I was instructed to go and change into clothing that she chose (I refused every time). I have a shaved head, and my hair style was even an issue! There were overt, almost childish, attempts at manipulation to force decisions. And when I confronted her about these issues, she simply fell apart, crying and having to rush home to mom for a week. Throughout this, was a nearly continuous stream of how my communication was not 'therapeutic'.

 

She came home and we worked through some of the issues, but the one hard and fast rule that emerged was that the dinner table would not be a place to raise issues. That did not last long. While sitting at the dinner table, she was obviously put off, and soon out came the issue, nothing terribly important. However, it came out as it usually did, that I was doing something wrong and was being ordered to correct it. When I attempted to interject some other points she refused to even consider an alternate view point and shortly thereafter began swearing at me. I ended the conversation at that point, or attempted to. Nevertheless, she continued to insult me, to twist words from previous conversations into insults. When I reminded her that her words were far from therapeutic, she absolutely lost her mind.

 

She began following me around the house in a rage, at one point attempting to rip our 2 month old puppy out of my hands, and when I went to get keys to leave the house, she threw herself in from of me. When I attempted to push by her, she stuck herself in the door jam and refused to budge. She finally grabbed me by the shirt and attempted to drag me into the ground (and with a two month old puppy in my hands, I was not about to fall on him). When that did not work, she grabbed my leg and refused to let me go. When she did, I got my keys and left. She followed me to the door insulting me the entire time.

 

At this point, you can imagine that thoughts of divorce are pretty clearly swimming through my head. I took a deep breath and after some time away and went back to work through the situation one way or the other. I returned to find an empty house. It turns out that she fled, to a fire station, where she continued to ... vent. The local police found her, and, in their words, she attempted to accuse me of all manner of wrong doing. When her story changed and the responding officer told her that she was in the wrong, she threatened to commit suicide. I received a phone call from the police to inform me of this, who then came and conducted an interview and left.

 

I swallowed my pride, called her family and took the expected screaming in stride. I took care of everything, including her well being in the immediate aftermath of the incident. The initial result was that she claimed that there were two sides to the incident and we both agreed that the relationship, if it were going to continue would require outside, professional help. It started with individual counselors. Things once again began to deteriorate. The version of events continuously began to worsen, with my actions ostensibly becoming more and more violent with each telling. Because of the seriousness of the incident, the US military conducted a full investigation, and essentially I was cleared. When that result arrived, as well as the local DA attempting to charge her, the account just got worse. Suddenly, anyone and everyone that we knew jointly were being informed that I was a wife beater among other choice adjectives.

 

Even worse, she began to act in ways that were emotionally and financially wreckless. What began as a few purchases to make her feel better, very quickly turned into a whirlwind of purchased crap totaling nearly 30K. That was in addition to spending almost all of our disposable income. As that situation wore on, she suddenly began to receive phone calls from mysterious male friends. That culminated on my birthday, when she skipped out to spend the night with one of these men for, in her words, "a couple of drinks that resulted in her getting to drunk to drive home safely." When I confronted her about the situation and the likely reality of spending the night with other men, you would probably not be surprised to know that the response was, "You are such a violent person that I would never cheat on you for my own safety!"

 

And that pretty much sealed the deal. Any lingering emotional ties were, at that point, completely torn asunder.

 

Now, as the divorce winds through, I find that every attempt at amicability or compromise is met with dishonesty. I have, perhaps naively attempted to compromise and move along for rapidity’s sake, only to discover that she lawyered up because she wants me to take nearly all the outstanding debt she did so much to create in the first place. At this point, I am hurt, but certainly not surprised.

 

The legal way ahead is quite clear. However, I am currently assigned to a unit that, needed a lot of help to begin with, and is preparing for another combat tour in Afghanistan. That is stressful enough, but this situation has lead to levels of stress that are incredibly difficult to deal with. Most of the soldiers have no idea, and in typical Army fashion I can keep it from affecting the soldiers. However, it is effecting my ability to think clearly and it is effecting me physically. I can still beat most of the 19 year olds, but I am very clearly not firing on all cylinders either. It feels a bit like attempting to run with a ball and chain around your ankle.

 

On the legal side, I think, probably as a typical soldier, that the way ahead is clear. However, like a typical soldier, the emotional path ahead is not quite as clear. If anyone reading this has any advice on that aspect, I am certainly open to suggestions - if not for myself then for the soldiers who deserve focused leaders firing on all cylinders.

Edited May 28, 2011 by greenman2

[GreenPolicy]

Your wife is a borderline. Here is an excellent resource to learn more:

 

http://www.bpdfamily.com/

 

They also have a message board that you can use:

 

http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/

 

You've been to Oz. The goal now is to find your way back to Kansas.

[greenman2]

Your wife is a borderline. Here is an excellent resource to learn more:

 

http://www.bpdfamily.com/

 

They also have a message board that you can use:

 

http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/

 

You've been to Oz. The goal now is to find your way back to Kansas.

 

That, actually, makes a hell of a lot of sense.

[Tnd441]

I've read your story and it seems to me that going back overseas is a great idea about now, if only to get perspective.

Whatever she is going to do, she'll do- with or without you- and it seems that at this point it would be a lot better if you put the miles between you.

People change, the situation changes, and you've been through the type of stress that has broken many others for the rest of their lives.

Hopefully you'll be able to be the exception and will be able to find some peace and happiness in the end.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you

[Yasuandio]

Certainly, you and your wife are provided a Chaplin to talk with, and marital health services. But before u start psychoanalying your wife I want to tell you what I noticed when I read your post. There was a lack of warmness in your demeanor. There were, as I recall, few affectiate words towards your wife. There was a lack of "lovingness," that's my take.

 

Naturally, I respect and honor your service to our Country. But it may be possible that your training or experiences demand a certain emotional response in order for you to carry out missions, and cope with the results of aformentioned.

 

If someone else points this out to you, it may be a good idea to put yourself in you wife's shoes. Do you address her emotional needs? Have you compensated for the time you've been away? Is it possible that your wife's behaviors are actually reactions or responses or certain conditions she has endured?

 

Does any of what I've written ring true?

Edited May 29, 2011 by Yasuandio

[greenman2]

Certainly, you and your wife are provided a Chaplin to talk with, and marital health services. But before u start psychoanalying your wife I want to tell you what I noticed when I read your post. There was a lack of warmness in your demeanor. There were, as I recall, few affectiate words towards your wife. There was a lack of "lovingness," that's my take.

 

Naturally, I respect and honor your service to our Country. But it may be possible that your training or experiences demand a certain emotional response in order for you to carry out missions, and cope with the results of aformentioned.

 

If someone else points this out to you, it may be a good idea to put yourself in you wife's shoes. Do you address her emotional needs? Have you compensated for the time you've been away? Is it possible that your wife's behaviors are actually reactions or responses or certain conditions she has endured?

 

Does any of what I've written ring true?

 

First, if this comes across as over confrontation, then I apologize up front. That is not the intent, and certainly, at this point, finally discussing the issue, I am certain that there is plenty of frustration and emotion behind the words as they comes out.

 

I appreciate very much that you have taken the time to respond, and offer advice into what is by definition a difficult and trying time. Thank you for taking the risk.

 

That being said, I fully acknowledge that warm and affection are somethings I struggle with expressing, particularly in highly charged emotional situations. It is indeed a trained survival mechanism that is supposed to allow rationality and critical thinking to stay focused. That is a trait that is made all the more severe by being a rather strong diverger in terms of learning and comprehension. I tend to approach things from a very unemotional stand point, but am by no means unattuned to emotion.

 

I think your advice is spot on, and, to be honest, when I was attempting to make this relationship work, it is the same advice that I was given both by counselors and by Chaplains. I was the only one willing to go to see a Chaplain and all, and the joint counseling sessions lasted a grand total of four sessions before she again blamed both me and the counselor when she again lost her temper and blew up.

 

That input of affection is appreciated, but in this case, well, I am not sure how else to say this? When all affection is rejected, working on expressing affection is, in this case, not going to get at the root communication issues including the fundamental inability to tolerante or consider a differing opinion.

 

I do appreciate that you took the time to offer advice, I really do, and I hope that explanation is helpful. I don't claim to have been a perfect husband, but I would wager that there are few husbands out there who tried harder, accepted more responsibility for their failings or did more to address them than I did in an effort to make the marriage work.

 

Please trust me that I have done much sole searching as the marriage winds down. However, I now realize that the emotional toll of trying to make it work while accepting so much abuse feels like a boat anchor around my neck. The stoicism of battle was something that I never attempted to bring into the marriage, and I see it now as a poor shield of numbness for pain and frustration from the situation that, to be honest, is now he biggest hurdle to moving on successfully.

[Yasuandio]

Your cool head prevails. Where can I get this training? My only last words would be "in sickness or in health.". But, dude, you seem to be in command.

[carhill]

OP, welcome to LS

 

Firstly, my sympathies. I remember this time only too well and I didn't have the job pressures and particular psychology you're speaking of to contend with.

 

I have no real advice for you other than to have faith that you'll get through this. Short of death, there is little more emotionally devastating than divorce. Accepting the path must be walked can bring some peace.

 

Stay safe out there. Make use of your counselor/chaplain as needed. Getting it out does help.

[greenman2]

A slightly different question, but I am sure others have been through this process before.

 

The soon to be ex is not engaging in the process with any semblance of honesty. It is pretty clear that she is telling her local support structure, once again, that I am abusive. The latest was her literally standing there insulting me, and when I cut her off and refused to let her insult me this became the basis of more excuses for 'abuse' - as in I will not let her talk at all (just leaving off that the only thing that comes out is either an overt insult or so obviously dishonest its not worth listening to.)

 

Its once again so bad that after our dog was injured in her care, she's been running around telling people that the injury resulted from me abusing the dog! And she fears that I will again injure the dog!

 

I am just plain and simply shocked at the level of dishonesty that is coming out of this woman.

 

I am certain these accussations are going to be drug into the legal process, and I do have the police report from the initial incident.

 

Any advice on how to handle repeated, unfounded accussations of abuse? From the abuser?

[carhill]

This is normal, though perhaps at an extreme end of normal. My exW attempted to turn my friends against me, including my best friend. Being a smart man, and having long experience with women, he followed a different path.

 

Do you really want people in your life who would form a viewpoint based solely on the rantings of a stbx? Not me. Better off alone. Sure, make records of any direct threats to use in later legal actions, but otherwise ignore. She'll have to live with the consequences of her words and actions for the rest of her life.

 

Unless you live in an at-fault jurisdiction and she brings a fault action for divorce, all the accusations in the world aren't going to make any difference. To the court, it's just numbers. Given the expense of a at-fault contested divorce, I seriously doubt that will happen, even if it could. This presumes of course you're 'normal' people and, with you being in the military, I presume you are. Since you're in the military, if such accusations impact your career, you could/should seek advice from JAG as to how to proceed. Military life is a unique circumstance and there are paths for marriage and divorce which are unique to it. Educate yourself as much as you can. Good luck.

[Yasuandio]

Of course, each of these accusations has to be documented. How to do that is the question. If someone accused me of an animal abuse I would be outraged. Judges are aware of women that suddenly cry "abuse" when there is no documentation of such. Don't count count though.

 

Looks like divorce time. Where is your legal council? I am going to give you some advice so your wife doesn't land you in the brink. But you need an attorney like yesterday. Your military reputation is on the line with this loose cannon blowing her mouth off everywhere. Get to that right away. The attorney may do some damage control by perhaps scaring her with letters, or a temporary hearing.

 

Has the animal been to the vet? The real story needs to be on the vet's records. In all likelihood, it will be an obvious conclusion that the animal was hurt by another means.

 

For now, forget about what she tells people, and begin you data collection mission.

 

You must take each threats seriously. I would visit the police and tell them your problem after you get the vet thing cleared up. I would visit the MP in charge and tell them your problem. Maybe you should talk to your Comander. I would visit the Chaplain you know, and tell him the problem. Have a written summary of the highlight events, dates, contact info., prepared to leave with each office. List also what effort you have made to cope with situation, and any diagnosis that's been proffered by a proffessional.

 

What I'm getting at in the above paragraph is exposure. Most wife abusers don't go around alerting law enforcement. About the possibility of ANY domestic abuse. Comprende?

 

Now, you also need a digital tape recorder to capture her ongoing threats. If she makes a threat, or abuses you -- don't take it, go outside, calmly dial up 911, and play the tape for them when they arrive. Try not to let her see it. Let her go overboard makeing her accusations first. Then let the other officer take you aside, or in the car, and play the tape. (Make sure you know how to work the digital tape recorder).

 

They will take her to jail cause she is going to totally lose it. Get police report and drop it off to each of your contacts, with photo of injury.

 

AttennnnnnTion. You got a mission, it is called CYA. You get me soldier?! Or is there effing cement in your boots? NOW MOVE LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Yasuandio