Thought about ending my 10 year relationship...

[Somnia]

Hey all, new member here and need advice with a very serious life changing situation I'm going through right now.

 

I'd like to introduce myself and give a little background about my situation. I'm 29 female with a steady career. My boyfriend/SO will be 30 in June and he also has a very stable career. We don't have any kids and have been together a total of 10 1/2 years now. We started dating in 2000, and we moved in together in 2008. The house is in my name and he helps pay half of everything. When we first moved in, everything was exciting and fun. Here is the complicated part:

 

Last year in November, this new guy got hired at my place of work and we worked together for a while. He's 25 and this is his first "real" job. He was a lot like me in that he spent his time prior going to college. We got to know each other and were very good friends. It didn't take long for me (and him) to develop feelings for each other. We started talking more online via private chatting and would see each other mostly at work. My SO noticed my change in behavior and I believe he became depressed because I was starting to spend too much time talking to the other guy than spending time with him like I used to.

 

In March of this year, my SO finally asked me if I had feelings for him, and I told him that I did but we haven't done anything. He was completely brokenhearted, devastated, depression hit rock bottom, you name it. I feel completely terrible that I've let this happen to our relationship. We have a LOT of good history together. Both of us have been hit on by other people before but back then we didn't let things get very far with anyone else. I'm just so confused why I'm letting this happen now.

 

Naturally I've been thinking about the pros and cons of ending my relationship. My SO is very stable with his career, we never fight our argue, he's not verbally or physically abusive, very laid back and calm to be around, etc.

 

The new guy is very inexperienced with the workforce and he is in a lot of trouble right now for challenging authority (da boss) at work. His career is not very stable yet as he is still spreading his wings to fly, so to speak. Another thing that worries me is he is definitely jealous that I am with someone, and every time I start talking about my SO, he immediately logs offline and says he's in a funk and will talk to me later. I don't want to judge someone on their behavior when I'm with someone, but is this a warning sign I should be careful about?

 

I also have the "what if" syndrome. "What if I'm missing out on something good by being with this new person?". I'm not miserable in my present relationship, but I'm at the point where I am starting to question things. I feel like I can be happy in my relationship, but could I be happier with someone else? Then I start having second thoughts about wanting to break up....

 

I can't stop thinking about all of the good memories we've had together and the potential of what we could have in the future if I decide to stay. We both are a part of each other's family even though we are not married. Our circle of friends are wonderful, and we enjoy fixing our place up together. We had so many plans and ideas on what to do with our place before I met this other person.

 

I feel and know that I've done a lot of emotional damage to my SO, and if I do decide to work things out with him, I feel upset at the idea of telling the other guy that we can't talk the way we've been doing. I know this other guy seems to really want to be with me and I would be letting him down so much. I've never imagined I'd be in a situation like this and it's mentally and physically draining me. I wish I could make everybody happy but I know I just can't. :/

 

Another source of my unhappiness are the hours I work. I work night shifts 4 nights, 10hr shifts. Most people who work day shifts just don't understand, nor realize how difficult it is working nights then trying to flip and take care of daytime things. I love what I do, I just need to be able to do it one less night, but add more hours to the shift. I've been searching for another job that offers 3 nights, 12 hour shifts so that I may be able to enjoy being out in the day more often. I feel like a change in my schedule would significantly improve my depression of being a "night owl."

 

So, relationship drama, work drama and trying to hired on at another place is very taxing on me . I'm just having trouble figuring out what I should do, and what feels right. I hate upsetting people and I hate myself for letting things get this out of hand. I can haz advice now? Thanks...

Edited May 28, 2011 by Somnia

[Fedor]

I stipeed readingg half betwen becus tht is some fkd up ****. y do suth like thhis?;

[Somnia]

.....I was hoping to receive a more mature response than that jumbled up mess I just read. I don't mind chat speak but come on, serious subjects demand serious replies please. Anyhoot, yes I guess it is rather ****ed up situation. As to why? I'm not really sure because I was not even looking for someone else. Maybe I got caught up in the "meeting someone new" feeling? I'm hoping I will get better replies and some ACTUAL advice here. Like someone who has been in a similar situation before.

[Fedor]

.....I was hoping to receive a more mature response than that jumbled up mess I just read. I don't mind chat speak but come on, serious subjects demand serious replies please. Anyhoot, yes I guess it is rather ****ed up situation. As to why? I'm not really sure because I was not even looking for someone else. Maybe I got caught up in the "meeting someone new" feeling? I'm hoping I will get better replies and some ACTUAL advice here. Like someone who has been in a similar situation before.

Guess I AM F'd up in the head. Grass isnt always greener on the other hide hun. How is that advice for you? And how about this, why dont you talk to your partner. That fool has no idea he is about to get the kicker. Damn shame

Edited May 28, 2011 by Fedor

[Pikachu]

I just got out of a 13 year relationship with my exe who was having the same feelings you are experiencing now. The one thing you should be grateful for is that you have talked to your b/f somewhat about it because if you continued to hide it you would end up cheating. I know your probably thinking "I could never do that to him", well your wrong. The one thing I have learned is once you begin to emotionally cheat its bound to get physical eventually. I have seen some of the most trustworthy people in my life make the same mistake and once its done the mistake will eat you alive. I recommend couples counseling because your current b/f seems to want to work on your relationship and without it I seriously think your headed down a path you will regret. Ive had family members go through the same problem that you are going through right now and all of them wish they would have tried harder to save their relationship. The problem is that all of them realized this far to late and after betraying the trust of their spouse. Its something they have to live with for the rest of their life.

[Hhhh]

Your current relationship is in a rut thats why you feel the need to find happiness somewhere else. This happens in all relationships and if you decide to see this new guy it will happen in that relationship as well as soon the honeymoon stage fades. I'm guessing this is your first long term relationship and your speaking from inexperience, many people have made this mistake and have regretted it in the past. I suggest you cut contact with this new guy or at least keep your conversations work related. I also suggest you under go couples counseling and maybe try something new and exciting with your SO such as a romantic trip to the dominicans.

 

I know your not going to leave your SO of ten years for a crush, that's silly.

[sinnister]

Sorry for some chatspeak but it's faster n I use it better. The thing here is it is what everyone says...ure simply in a rut. You have to find something to do together to break out of the rut, but definitely not rake this man over the coals like this. I mean, he is doing EVERYTHING that a real man should, and it is STEADY! This new dude is cocky, and seems exciting, but he is a complete mystery. Yeah, what happens when this is lost b/c of this "fling". You'd try to justify it by tearing a very good man down that has been there for you. When you then have to find the guy to take care of the bills, while this man has been there/done that with no complaint....wow, you're going to see how flaky men get when there's real responsibility on the line n u seem like damaged goods to people. This KID isn't worth it...he's untested, will probably flame out after a while of cheap empty fun with no real investment for him and YOU with all the baggage, and he is probably going essentially get off with taking you from your man, causing that drama-U2 after already torturing ur man now will get off on it, one of u will sayi things to the other that u'd regret, r/s and any kind of mutual respect ruined, you depending on the new r/s too much to justify the action to destroy this good man, then he will get bored. Are you that bored that you have to take that chance? Maybe you or both of u need to get some hobbies, either/and individually/together to get your mind off of him and this rut and open up communication to really spice it up. Definitely couples therapy or a very open talk in a vacation spot to get over what's been revealed to him already. Yeah, he's kinda prepped, but you can get the trust back if you walk this back and set up boundaries, plus it can save your rep at the office. You will essentially be faced with this as long as you have a situation where you r spending time with the opposite sex more than at home. Office affairs are the main source of divorces/breakups because seeing people/new people causes that shock, and many people misinterpret it...especially when they're at a STABLE place in their lives They start with the What-Ifs instead of improving/enjoying themselves. I've had it too, and I wasn't the richest guy on the block, was starved n worked my way, but knew what was really important, what will last, even if she forgot. You have to know yourself and be better at communicating AND setting up boundaries BEFORE they are broken and exposed. But if it's going to be over, get him ready with this fling, but don't settle on the fling. Don't disrespect the r/s by completing something u started while u were together and he was putting his all into it.

 

If you want to leave him, do it, but why do it with this chump? Why do some women/men love giving losers trophies just to feel alive? Why, when they have EVERYTHING, and see so many with drama, just get to the point that they need it themselves? The lack of drama doesn't make you boring and I'm offended that you let him(boyfriend) find out that u too were so gaga ALREADY. It's vile. Find some depth somewhere else, and allow more RATIONALITY to offset EMOTIONS. You don't need butterflies and that "beginning of the r/s" feeling if you are mature ALL THE TIME. You create it..or tell your man how to do so. Give him a chance to do it w/o hurting him but this will probably melt him down till he's unattractive to you anyway and someone will get u sooner or later from him..and his life is destroyed (for now, but u two have some big investments). There's no talk of children, sending them to schools..just a life that's just not the "sheltered girl" cliche? Again, the grass isn't always greener, you're just bored so you're waking up way too early to see it when it's the shiniest. Get some more things to keep you interested and keep your flirts away from your man if you have to do it. No offense.

Edited May 29, 2011 by sinnister