ConfusedGuy28 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I made a post in the dating forum about her (she likely either has Borderline or Antisocial Personality Disorder) Anyways - she led me to believe that even though she didn't want what we had to be called a relationship, she said she could really see a future with me and wasn't looking to be involved with anyone else. She only wanted it to be her and me, and not an open relationship. We had known each other for 16 years (I'm 27, her 24). My youngest sister said the same thing to her current bf - so I took this girl's word for it, since we've known each other for so long (why would she hurt ME, right?). Well, I find out (because my intuition kept ringing and trying to throw books at my subconcious) that she had 2-3 other guys she was involved with. I wasn't even the "primary" guy - I was one of the guys she was cheating on her primary with - LOL. It's kind of funny in a sick, dark comedy kind of way - but it's really not. Even though we were only together for 5-6 weeks, everything was great. When we were together, it was awesome. We really connected, could talk about anything, laughed, sex was incredible, etc. It felt amazing to me because we were taking what we already had and progressing into something new. She just really really hurt me. Before her it had been a little over a year before I was intimate with anyone. I had been in a 9 year relationship, and after it ended, I just wasn't ready to be with anyone like that. I dated throughout the year, but nothing happened, and one of us always left early on. I let her in because of the things she said to me, I said to her - it seemed very reciprocated. And for her to lie to me, of all people, like that - it's really saddens me. She has had a difficult life from the time she was a kid, and a part of me has always cared about her and wanted what was best for her. For someone to betray all of that and treat me like I'm just some random guy they picked up somewhere...it just hurts. Throughout the day I'll go from being absolutely fine...and then some random thing will make me remember her...and then the guys she was involved with. I should not have given "us" a second chance - but I had feelings for her. I couldn't turn them off. I knew it wouldn't end well. It was just something I had to do. I had to give it another shot because of our history and my feelings. And it's like she doesn't care. She blocked me off fb, and I blocked her from texting or calling me. I hate this
Bryanp Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Sorry for what you are going through. If she has borderline personality disorder then there is absolutely nothing you could have done. These people do not have a moral conscious that most of us have. It is always all about them and they see nothing wrong in lying. I do hope that you contacted all of the other guys especially the primary guy and tell them what she has been doing. There should be consequences to her actions. Good luck.
carhill Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 She has had a difficult life from the time she was a kid Take this information, and the lessons of your experience, and grieve who you were when you thought/felt it was honest and heartfelt, and improve your people-picker for the next time. My sympathies.... whether a couple months or decades, emotional pain can be a handicap to living as well as a potent motivator of change. I hope you find your balance.
Author ConfusedGuy28 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) Sorry for what you are going through. If she has borderline personality disorder then there is absolutely nothing you could have done. These people do not have a moral conscious that most of us have. It is always all about them and they see nothing wrong in lying. I do hope that you contacted all of the other guys especially the primary guy and tell them what she has been doing. There should be consequences to her actions. Good luck. Just to clarify - Borderlines do actually have a conscience, but there world is so centered around feeling abandoned, etc that they lie, cheat and manipulate to keep their world as they see it. (antisocials are without conscience) She did see what she did wrong - once I caught her. She apologized, knew it was over, felt karma was going to get back at her for hurting me like she did, talked about how she doesn't know why she is the way she is and she tries to not hurt people but she always ends up doing it, etc. And I forgave her, really. I don't wish any ill fate towards her; I really do hope she finds peace and happiness somehow. When we first got together, she told me she was with this guy she met online. She felt safe in an online relationship because there was distance and no real committment. Little did I know they had known each other for 7 years, big history, he was at her home for 7 days before I came into the picture, etc. After finding this out - I reached out to this guy. They were supposedly broken up and I wanted to give him the real reason as to why and wanted to apologize, man to man. He of course called her...she called me and chewed me out. She then called him back and told him I was madly in love with her and she consistently rejects my advances, but I'm crazy. I was going to contact the primary - but I realized that's not going to do anything. One, he won't believe me. Two, she'll probably try and get a restraining order against me (already threatened that - go figure....and she threatens it after she has me come over to her house and we almost have breakup sex - clothes were off, etc). And three - she'll just find the next victim. They have to figure it out for themselves. But all of this doesn't take away the pain she caused me. She made me believe we were in love. "It's so amazing that we're finally together. I've known you almost my whole life and now look at us. And...I've fallen for you...I could see my whole life with you...." I keep wanting to text her. To see her one last time (I'm leaving for a couple of months), but I know it will just re-open the wound. It's funny - she actually filled the void I had been feeling for this past year (and i still feel that effect) - but now she's left me feeling like there's something absolutely wrong with me. I had the strongest feeling that she was "the one." I've thought "hmmm, maybe..." about other people - but this was so overwhelming. It was like I knew - it wasn't lust, or anything. My mind was just like "yep, she's it. don't sweat it man" I feel like a fool, like everything was make believe and I'm just some huge idiot. Then I feel like it was me, like I did something wrong. Edit: carhill - love your last line. thank you Edited May 28, 2011 by ConfusedGuy28
sanskrit Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 She did see what she did wrong - once I caught her. Vent it out here, that's what this place is for, but c'mon, you know better than the above. Dated two BPDs in a row without knowing what it was. You are nothing but a mirror to them, they feel remorse in the way that a parrot trained to say "sorry... awk... sorry" does, rather not at all. Just another variety of sociopath.
drewdude Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 hey I just wanna add my 2 cents. I am in a somewhat similar situation at the moment, I was 'seeing/going out' with an old ex gf for a couple months. Long story short, she recently shut me out and is now dating a big douchebag/player guy who is known in my circle of friends, hence how i found out without her even telling me. I feel so betrayed and confused(and i soo badly want to confront but i did it once already and she acted totally immature) too. Part of me still likes her so much we were so close to taking things further but out of nowhere she develops an "illness" and cant hang out for a month, which i found out was due to her dating that guy..lied to me and my friends I feel just as hurt/betrayed as you buddy believe me. Its like we were pretty much being played. And I too felt this maybe this time, things would really work out since we were(or at least I) mature now. But you gotta realize most people never change....I need to delete her off FB soon I dont see the point in being a friend with someone like that... Anyways ..as hard as it is now, just try and go out with friends and have a good time, thats what im doing for now. No girl is worth dating if shes going around with other dudes, thats a total lack of respect.
bikinibeach Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 hey to the op: i know exactly what you're going through. i thought he was "the one" too...turns out, he was still in love with his ex who was his "best friend". they broke up because they had no sexual chemistry. the only difference between now and when they were living together is that she moved out. he just needed me for sex (she never gave him any) and to make her jealous. i was 4 months into it when i realized he was hanging out with her more than me, taking her for dinners and hanging at her apartment at night listening to music and watching tv eating her cooking etc. gave him an ultimatum and guess who he chose? must be even harder for you though, having known someone for so long. just goes yet again to show that you NEVER really know someone. never. get better and know you're not alone in your pain
Author ConfusedGuy28 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks everyone. I went out last night with some friends, saw Hangover II, went to dinner, etc. Everything was going pretty well - until a buddy of mine asked "why aren't you drinking?" - I said I'm just not in the mood and he goes "oh, still hung up on that girl and don't wanna get sad huh?" - Which totally ****ed up my night lol ---- It's such bull****. I TOLD HER after she came to visit - "if you have ANYTHING going on in Arizona (because I would expect that, since she had been living there) - tell me now. I'll back off completely. When you move back, if you want to start back up - we can talk then" Why string a guy along for 3 weeks while you're in another state? What pleasure does that bring a person (rhetorical, lol)?
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