ldayruby Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Hi well where to begin. I have only recently started a new job, been there 4 weeks and i think i am falling for my married senior supervisor. in the past i have had no luck in relationships, i have been physically and emotionally abused so found it hard to find a guy that i could be interested in. when i started this new job, the managers had been told of my past but over the last few weeks, MM has been ever so kind to me, he texts me and talks to me on the phone when we are not at work. Last week when i had to spend the whole day out of work due to a crisis, he kept texting me and asking me to let him know if i was ok. i don't know what to do. I feel like he has made me safe and calm where i have never felt that before. I dream about him and the things we can do. I have never met the wife but he talks about her sometimes with our colleagues and says she is lovely. I don't want to feel this way about him as i don't want to cause hassle at work or to his personal life but what should I do? I won't leave my job either.
Amour7 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 LDR, Welcome to Love Shack. I hope you find the support you are seeking. I just have to say that I have been there and done that (let a senior MM at work "come to my rescue" during a vulnerable time) and it led to a 2+ year affair that was incredibly painful much of the time (while wonderful in other ways, but the pain was more impactful.). When he tried to get me to talk about my personal life before the affair started, my instinct was correct- to not share details and to find it sketchy that he was so interested in my struggle. I tried a number of times to tell him that I didn't feel it appropriate to talk to him about these things, that I was a private person, etc., but it feels good to have someone who seems to care... I wish I would have found someone else to help me through the pain and toward healing because he was not at all the right person for me at that time. It led to an entangled relationship where I only felt I could be strong and loved with him so trying to break away was extraordinarily hard. It brought back a lot of pain and grief from my previous emotionally abusive relationship. I sincerely hope that this forum can help support you so that you can set appropriate boundaries with this guy and find support elsewhere. I don't want you to go through what I have experienced. You deserve so much better. Hugs, and keep posting. We're here for you.
oldguy Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 What should you do? How about; "the right thing"? He is married so he is off limits, especially if he is not doing the right thing. Think more of yourself. Second, he is a supervisor so even if there where grounds for a legitimate relationship here between a single, unattached man & you, you would loose the job. At least in that scenario it's dignified. And what do you mean exactly; "when i started this new job, the managers had been told of my past"? If you have been in relationships where you have been abused & are now going down this path you need to develop higher standards in men & better expectations for yourself. If a man cheat on his wife he will cheat on you. If he treats her bad he will treat you bad. What should you do!? Stop fantasizing about the first man who has probably shown you attention in a positive way in a long time and do what you know is right or at least don't do what you know is wrong. Think more of yourself.
waytogo Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 LR, first I want to tell you I am very sorry for the abuse you've been through. Next,you really don't want to cause yourself this emotional hassle. Right now, all you have is a crush and only some texting has happened (which is inappropriate of him if not business related). Remember, this is your livelyhood. Most office romances blow up in the faces of those involved. People notice more than you think. It's likely they are already picking up on your feelings for this man. I'm curious also about what the managers knew of your past. You were under no obligation to tell them of any abuse you've suffered. Also, if your manager is aware of that, chances are he is a real pig playing on your emotions for his ego. He describes his wife as lovely. Take that to heart. There are alot of good single guys out there wondering where a catch like you is Treat yourself like a prize, starting with steering away from all the drama this would bring you.
so-wrong Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Please don't get involved with this MM. I fell hook, line & sinker for his type (senior to me etc) & at first he built my self-esteem & made me feel on top of the world (I also have had a painful past where men are concerned & he knew all about this & promised to take care of me). After D day, he was a totally different person & skulked back home. I'm left feeling that the man I fell in love with never existed as he is so different. This appears to be a common reaction by MM after D day & I cannot tell you how dreadful it feels, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I know you will be sooo tempted to enter an A with this man if you get the opportunity, butyou need to stay strong. Look after yourself, please.
Author ldayruby Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 What should you do? How about; "the right thing"? He is married so he is off limits, especially if he is not doing the right thing. Think more of yourself. Second, he is a supervisor so even if there where grounds for a legitimate relationship here between a single, unattached man & you, you would loose the job. At least in that scenario it's dignified. And what do you mean exactly; "when i started this new job, the managers had been told of my past"? If you have been in relationships where you have been abused & are now going down this path you need to develop higher standards in men & better expectations for yourself. If a man cheat on his wife he will cheat on you. If he treats her bad he will treat you bad. What should you do!? Stop fantasizing about the first man who has probably shown you attention in a positive way in a long time and do what you know is right or at least don't do what you know is wrong. Think more of yourself. Thank youOLDGUY, What i meant was that because i was abused before and because i work with children, if i ever had to deal with a child from an abusive background, could i remain professional? Its a part of the probation part, any issues from your past that could affect your job have to be recorded. I am trying to think about myself and my view is that if he can cheat with me on his wife then he has no issue cheating on me with someone. I know all this but i don't know how to stop feeling this way.
Author ldayruby Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 Thank you all for your advice. I guess as they say "the right one comes when you least expect". I like to believe that saying is true and I know that getting involved with a MM is a bad idea. Also there are plenty of fish in the sea so maybe its time for me to get my rod and start looking for that "one". Thank you again to you all and I wish you all health and well being. XXX:)
26pointblue Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Good for you. Don't settle for less than you deserve. An MM who will take advantage of your vulnerability & loneliness & use you for his own pleasure on the side is not much of a step up from a single guy who would abuse you physically or emotionally. Hold out for the very best. I know it's hard to be lonely but better than in a bad relationship, believe me. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.
waytogo Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Thank you all for your advice. I guess as they say "the right one comes when you least expect". I like to believe that saying is true and I know that getting involved with a MM is a bad idea. Also there are plenty of fish in the sea so maybe its time for me to get my rod and start looking for that "one". Thank you again to you all and I wish you all health and well being. XXX:) Now there's the prize I mentioned I'll keep you in thoughts and if you don't mind, prayers, that your next romantic feelings go to one who returns them, ans is in a place to protect them and looks out for your best interests. If anyone has ever told you or made you feel you deserve less, they were WRONG. The world is yours now. Please be kind to the rest of us as you rule it
jj33 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 You are smart not to get involved with him. It sounds like he is showing you the kindness you wish you would find from a man who was available. hes out there. And he will turn up. Its just a matter of time.
fooled once Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Be grateful to have an understanding boss. My boss is very kind to me but that doesn't mean he wants to screw me. Some people are just nice, giving, caring people. Worst thing you can do is mistake his concern for lust and flirt with him. You could find yourself out of a job.
fooled once Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Maybe I am missing something, but why do you even think HE is interested in you? He could just be a nice guy who feels sorry for you. Nothing that you posted even suggested inappropriate behavior on his part.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 If you haven't already, I would advise you to seek a therapist or counsellor to help you deal with whatever insecurities you are feeling. Running to a "knight in shining armour" type will only provide a distraction to your problems, it won't get reduce or rid you of them.
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