annabanana85 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I have been dating this graduate student from Europe in his mid 20's for the past two months. He works really hard and is kind of nerdy and shy. We only communicate through text during the week and see eachother about once a week. We started having sex a month into the relationship yet still it does not feel like a real relationship since we see eachother so little. He is extremely passionate and affectionate while he is with me yet there is very little communication throughout the week and he is very reserved. He had been gone for a conference to Europe for a week and I thought that once he came back, he would want to see me right away. However he told me that he is really busy and stressed out this week and does not have time. Yet I find on FB that he is going to a party tonight which might be OK since it is a department party with other grad students! We were both invited to a party tomorrow night and were planning on meeting there, yet he sent me this text message: "Tomorrow I will only go for 1 hour as early as possible. I really need to work really hard on Sunday. This will continue like this until the end of summer unless I get a lot of work done now. Otherwise I will risk getting kicked out of the program. We should come up with a way to see each other nevertheless . After I submit my proposal, I will have a lot less work. This is the final hurdle." Does it seem like he is really busy? Or is he just making up excuses to evade me and make sure that he is not seen with me at the party tomorrow? Some things suggest that he is really into me, like him suggesting that we plan our summer break at the exact same dates. Yet things like this puzzle me. Is he just stringing me along?
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 "Tomorrow I will only go for 1 hour as early as possible. I really need to work really hard on Sunday. This will continue like this until the end of summer unless I get a lot of work done now. Otherwise I will risk getting kicked out of the program. We should come up with a way to see each other nevertheless . After I submit my proposal, I will have a lot less work. This is the final hurdle." He obviously puts his work first. He's abit geeky but a sweet guy. He is inexperienced and doesn't have a natural 'way' of how to BE with a woman let alone a relationship. He's rusty and just doesn't know how he's coming off. Or, he's a smoothy and picking his time slot to be with you and have sex with you on his terms..Though I think it's the first one, he's inexperienced and just feels work is number one to him. How much do you like him? I say come right out and talk to him that he is giving you mixed signals and you really want to know if he is interested or just into something casual.
D-Lish Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Something to consider? I finished a degree, worked full time, and managed to balance a new relationship... I married him. When a guy is really into you, he's going to make you a priority.... There will be no mistaking his intention..
Sabali Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 In the defense of the really ambitious type, it is often difficult to strike a balance between doing what is necessary to do well in your chosen field and being competitive while trying to maintain relationships. It is often necessary to maintain some distance between yourself and another and try to take things slowly so that expections and demands of a relationship do not conflict with obligations and the level of competitiveness that is necessary to help you stand out in your field. He could very well like you and be very interested in you but maintain a certain level of aloofness in order to avoid tension and demands to spend more time with him. If he gets close to you quickly and spend a lot of time with you, he fears that maybe you will get too used to this and when he needs to buckle down for work, you will begin to resent his demanding schedule and fight to keep a certain amount of his schedule open for you. On the other hand, if he avoids jumping into spending too much time with you right away, you are less likely to complain if he has to bury himself in his work for a lenghthy period. In other words, it is easier for him to create a situation where you cannot miss what you never had rather than creating a situation where you are given something and it has to be taken away from you frequently. The latter situation is what can create a lot of arguments and conflict.
Author annabanana85 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 I appreciate all the posts and advice. I actually sent him a msg saying that its OK and that I understand he is going through a busy time right now and we can just meet in the future when he has time. I think he got a little worried so he contacted me several times last night. Today Im meeting him for coffee for like an hour, how could I bring up the issue without sounding clingy?
vsmini Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I appreciate all the posts and advice. I actually sent him a msg saying that its OK and that I understand he is going through a busy time right now and we can just meet in the future when he has time. I think he got a little worried so he contacted me several times last night. Today Im meeting him for coffee for like an hour, how could I bring up the issue without sounding clingy? Do not worry about sounding clingy - I worried about sounding clingy all throughout my last relationship with a guy and it was nothing but a pain. He was too "busy" sometimes he was legit busy and other times not so much. I was in denial about what I wanted from a guy in a relationship and didn't speak up as I should have. Be honest with yourself - do you want more time out of this guy? If yes, SAY SO and if he can't give it to you then perhaps it's time to walk away. Many men and women try to rationalize and think they're "compromising" with the SO when they really aren't - they are compromising their own needs and end up in a relationship with resentment and frustration. Oooph - I learned that lesson the hard way.
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