rocketboy9 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 A while back I asked this woman out. I got the friends speech. I decided ok, its good to have women friends. That being said she wanted more from me - in the sense of emotional intimacy, sharing, etc... So I went with it and have been friendly with her. It was driving me crazy for a while but I settled down to the status quo and I by no means pine all over. If she is around I flirt and chat her up but I really dont read anything into it. We talk a lot, she never talks to me about men which is a good thing. Though she does periodically mentioning going to activities like sporting events, etc... I always assume its a date with a guy. But I never ask because I frankly dont want to know about it. In the last month she has become possessive and territorial towards me. When I go out, she always wants to know who with, that kind of thing. I have a pretty full life and do my best to keep myself entertained. If you want to be part of that, its great. But if not thats fine too. As of late she has been asking for help (not $$) with various things in her own life. So I do it because I am a good friend. And now she keeps telling me she is not doing anything and than asking me what I am doing. I cant figure out whether this a veiled hint that I should ask her out again. Frankly I am a little leary about putting myself out there again for her. Because I am thinking whats the point - she will say no or will she? Hit me with opinons
Pentel Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 ask her out again, if she still keeps you on the friend zone, then it's on to the next one
sanskrit Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Any embarrassment you felt the first goround likely won't repeat, it will likely be an "oh well, nutty woman" feeling for you if rejected, so yeah go ahead and ask her out again. Whatever you do, though, don't get into some drawn out heavy discussion about it regardless of what she says. She likes you as a friend and attraction may be building because there is no pressure, you are becoming less of a "known quantity" to her, and she may or may not feel she was mistaken in turning you down. OTOH, you have been too accessible to her, and are doing too much for her. Tone that down bigtime unless she is returning the favor by helping you with things. Not to be too cynical, but for all you know, she may have come to depend on this help you are giving her etc., and feels the need to throw out some crumbs every now and then to keep you from finding a real relationship that would take away the "free manservant" relationship she has with you now.
D-Lish Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Women are more capable than men at being in platonic relationships. It's something I've learned the hard way. She's relating to you like she would with her female friends- you just happen to have a penis. Women lean on one another for emotional support and think nothing of it- we do it daily with one another. You probably don't interact this way with your male friends- which is why you might question her seeking support from you, and possibly read more into it than you should. Next time she asks you who you went out with, question her why she wants to know. She could just be making conversation- I'm always interested in what my friends get up to, and I ask them often. If you want to know if she's interested romantically, ask one more time. If she keeps you in the friend-zone- you have 2 choices. Accept being a friend only and become comfortable being friends with someone you are attracted to- or accept it's too hard to remain friends with someone that doesn't feel the same way- in which case you should cut it off. No harm in questioning her one last time- but figure out what you are going to do if she says it's only a friendship she's looking for.
Author rocketboy9 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 Basically in a nutshell there is no answer . So I am back at square one. I am very hesitant to ask her out again because whats the point. When I told her I was going to the beach this weekend she wanted to know who with. I was tempted to invite her but decided against it. I think this is like beating a dead horse and better to leave it alone. I am already in the friend zone so it doesnt really matter if I stay here. Emotionally I am in a good place as I am looking for other women.
sanskrit Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 You have another choice, make yourself so busy with cultivating other prospects and dating other women that you don't have as much time to be her GF any more.
Imajerk17 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) I'm not a fan of "asking women out". Invite her to the beach and then offer to rub sunscreen on her if she rubs sunscreen on you in return. See how she responds. You will learn what you need to know from that one little exchange. Edited May 28, 2011 by Imajerk17
spiderowl Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) You know, I really don't know why guys assume if a woman wants to be friends with them that that automatically means no chance of anything more. Some of us want a chance to get to know a guy as a friend and see whether anything more naturally develops over time. OK, it might not, but sometimes it does. One thing I would say, though, is if you are a friend, then stay a friend and don't hang out with the person all the time. For one thing, you lose your scarcity value. Also, the idea of being a friend rather than instant lover is that a woman can feel safe with you and get to know what kind of person you are. If you are constantly looking as if you're about to leap on her, she'll back off and distance herself. I think if a guy acts as a friend and you get chance to get to know him without feeling pressured, then unless he's really unattractive or smells or something, there is every chance she might become attached to him. Having said all the above, this girl has no right to expect you to tell her where you are going or who with. If you are still interested in her, then I'd recommend distancing yourself just a little and not being forthcoming about who you are seeing, just say she's not interested in your romantic life anyway. I think you need to draw a boundary here that shows her that to share your private romantic side, she'd need to be more involved with you. Draw the friends boundary and then wait for her to decide it should go, but keep up your other interests and activities that don't include her. Edited May 28, 2011 by spiderowl
Author rocketboy9 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 You know, I really don't know why guys assume if a woman wants to be friends with them that that automatically means no chance of anything more. Some of us want a chance to get to know a guy as a friend and see whether anything more naturally develops over time. OK, it might not, but sometimes it does. One thing I would say, though, is if you are a friend, then stay a friend and don't hang out with the person all the time. For one thing, you lose your scarcity value. Also, the idea of being a friend rather than instant lover is that a woman can feel safe with you and get to know what kind of person you are. If you are constantly looking as if you're about to leap on her, she'll back off and distance herself. I think if a guy acts as a friend and you get chance to get to know him without feeling pressured, then unless he's really unattractive or smells or something, there is every chance she might become attached to him. Having said all the above, this girl has no right to expect you to tell her where you are going or who with. If you are still interested in her, then I'd recommend distancing yourself just a little and not being forthcoming about who you are seeing, just say she's not interested in your romantic life anyway. I think you need to draw a boundary here that shows her that to share your private romantic side, she'd need to be more involved with you. Draw the friends boundary and then wait for her to decide it should go, but keep up your other interests and activities that don't include her. The reason men dont want to bother after the friends speech is that we have heard over and over once you are in the friendzone its dead. Its never going to go anywhere else so why bother. That being said I dont see her constantly. At most a couple of times a week and thats all. Though we email & IM quite a bit. Last week she tried to take advantage of our friendship (I dont want to go into all the details here) and I flat out told her no I am not doing that. And I was prepared to walk away from the friendship. Since than its like she has new found respect for me because she found out she could not wrap me around her finger. When she does ask me whom I am going with, I am usually evasive and answer in an oblique way. Its none of her business the same way what she does is none of my business. I dont ask about it either. When she mentions something she is doing all I will say is something like this "that sounds fun, have a great time!". But I dont ask who, what, where. Its none of my business and I am fine with it. I accepted that she does not want to date me and I try to treat her like any other friend. The problem stems from the fact is our relationship is not really a friendship and its not a dating relationship either. Its somewhere in between. She confides in me and is actually supportive of things in my own life which I was impressed with. She does care about me. That being said in the last few weeks she has become very inquisitive and keeps making hints about not doing anything. I dont want to be her entertainment till another guy comes along. But on the other hand I am very leery about putting myself out there with her again.
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