numbandnumber Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) What a great site My wife and I have been together for 22 years and married for 18. We have 2 great kids 15 and 14. This week, after a month of coldness and disinterest, my wife said she is done and does not want to go to counselling. Some background. Our marriage has generally been happy but we argue occasionally over the years - always the same thing: My expectations are too high and she is made to feel not good enough. I have worked hard not to do this but I know I am a picky person. When I help out around the house my wife takes offense, suggesting that my efforts (cleaning, laundry etc) are telling her she doesn't do her share. That's not the truth and I say it, but she doesn't see it the same way. This has been a recurring trend. I admit, there have been times when I have expressed disappointment (and shouldn't have) but that is not the case most of the time. I just want to help. My wife makes most meals and does most of the taking kids to lessons, school etc. I do most of the home repairs, garden etc - So we are both busy and I don't think either of us resents what we do. Over the past 2 years I have argued with my 14 yr old daughter - power struggles that I have recently learned to pick my battles. And I am mostly MUCH better, with only occasional slips. I have been seeing a counselor about this. And more recently, I spoke with him about my marriage. Basically, he advised me to work on being more positive, less judgmental etc - and to work on things to make ME happier. But now, out of the blue, my wife has been cold, angry and disinterested for a month. Finally, I asked if we can talk about it. I told her I was demonstrating my commitment to change. She said for her it's too late. She was pleased to see change and hoped that would mean saving the relationship with my daughter. But, she said, for her the foundation of our relationship has crumbled, my efforts to be positive simply annoy her and she has no interest in counselling. Since that conversation last week I have spoken with friends (very supportive) and I don't know if and where my wife is getting support - I hope she is. Everyone is shocked because they see us as a "great couple". I love her deeply, really regret my mistakes with her and my kids. They are my whole world. I feel like a zombie, am not eating and can't sleep. I would love advice please. Edited May 27, 2011 by numbandnumber need clearer title
Mauschen Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 You can try to get help at marriagebuilders.com, but if your wife is unwilling to work on the marriage, there may not be much hope. People are attracted to other people who are happy, active, and have a high self-esteem. Be happy, be active, and go out and do things. Be a good father and spend a lot of time with your children. This is the ONLY way she might rethink things. If you are a mess, depressed, plead and beg her to stay, this is not attractive and she will see you as weak and unattractive. I would also recommend that if she moves out, you cut her off completely so you are not meeting any of her emotional needs while she is not with you. Tell her simply, "I am only interested in being your husband, and will not provide any emotional support to you if you choose not to be my wife." Then, only communicate with her in a business-like manner about the kids, do not answer any requests to move furniture, repair her flat tire, talk about her friend who upset her, etc. Also do not tell her what you've been doing - the deeper the mystery to her the better. I hope you understand that this will help you keep your dignity and also may show her that you respect yourself. And because you respect yourself, you are only willing to accept her as your wife, nothing less. I also suggest reading the book His Needs Her Needs. Very helpful for men and women to know how to meet the needs of the other gender. I wish you the best. It is possible that she may come around once she realizes what she is giving up.
The Great Gazoo Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Maybe she was hoping you wouldn’t change? Or doesn't like that you did?
Author numbandnumber Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 I think she wants change for sure but I don't get a sense she is satisfied that the change is real. She has indicated her frustration has gone on too long.We haven't discussed this any more since 3 days ago. Currently our conversations are cordial but not what I would describe as warm
Author numbandnumber Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 Thank you so much I don't know that she'll change but I am taking your first advice: being positive, friendly and optimistic, without being sickening! As for the second part, I know she would never expect anyone to leave our house but me. And while I don't think she can maintain it, that's just logistics. The one piece that would be shocking to her is the fiancial impact. Admittedly I haven't calculated it but it would mean a significant change ( she doesn't like handling finances)
Author numbandnumber Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 I need help please- I feel like I'm freefalling. Here's the story: My wife and I have been together for 22 years and married for 18. We have 2 great kids 15 and 14. This week, after a month of coldness and disinterest, my wife said she is done and does not want to go to counselling. Some background. Our marriage has generally been happy but we argue occasionally over the years - always the same thing: My expectations are too high and she is made to feel not good enough. I have worked hard not to do this but I know I am a picky person. When I help out around the house my wife takes offense, suggestinoiug that my efforts (cleaning, laundry etc) are telling her she doesn't do her share. That's not the truth and I say it, but she doesn't see it the same way. This has been a recurring trend. I admit, there have been times when I have expressed disappointtment (and shouldn't have) but that is not the case most of the time. I just want to help. My wife makes most meals and does most of the taking kids to lessons, school etc. I do most of the home repairs, garden etc - So we are both busy and I don't think either of us resents what we do. Over the past 2 years I have argued with my 14 yr old daughter - power struggles that I have recently learned to pick my battles. And I am mostly MUCH better, with only occasional slips. HI have been seeing a counselor about this. And more recently, I spoke with him about my marriage. Basically, he advised me to work on being more positive, less judgmental etc - and to work on things to make ME happier. But now, out of the blue, my wife has been cold, angry and disinterested for a month. Finally, I asked if we can talk about it. I told her I was demonstrating my commitment to change. She said for her it's too late. She was pleased to see change and hoped that would mean saving the relationship with my daughter. But, she said, for her the foundation of our relationship has crumbled, my efforts to be positive simply annoy her and she has no interest in counselling. Since that conversation last week I have spoken with friends (very supportive) and I don't know if and where my wife is getting support - I hope she is. Everyone is shocked because they see us as a "great couple". I love her deeply, really regret my mistakes with her and my kids. They are my whole world. I feel like a zombie, am not eating and can't sleep. I would love advice please.
oldguy Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) What a great site My wife and I have been together for 22 years and married for 18. We have 2 great kids 15 and 14. This week, after a month of coldness and disinterest, my wife said she is done and does not want to go to counselling. Some background. Our marriage has generally been happy but we argue occasionally over the years - always the same thing: My expectations are too high and she is made to feel not good enough. I have worked hard not to do this but I know I am a picky person. When I help out around the house my wife takes offense, suggesting that my efforts (cleaning, laundry etc) are telling her she doesn't do her share. That's not the truth and I say it, but she doesn't see it the same way. This has been a recurring trend. I admit, there have been times when I have expressed disappointment (and shouldn't have) but that is not the case most of the time. I just want to help. So she has told you how she "FEELS" & rather than consider her feelings you typically reject them? It isn't a matter of who is right or wrong as much as it would be why she feels that way. There is always the possibility you are wrong. My wife makes most meals and does most of the taking kids to lessons, school etc. I do most of the home repairs, garden etc - So we are both busy and I don't think either of us resents what we do. Again; you just stated that she does feel like you resent her. You can waste all of your time and energy arguing that she is wrong & that she really doesn't feel that way but your just wasting both you and your wifes time. Her feelings are what they are & thats where you need to focus. Over the past 2 years I have argued with my 14 yr old daughter - power struggles that I have recently learned to pick my battles. And I am mostly MUCH better, with only occasional slips. I have been seeing a counselor about this. And more recently, I spoke with him about my marriage. Basically, he advised me to work on being more positive, less judgmental etc - and to work on things to make ME happier. I'm curious, if your seeing a professional why are you here seeking the opinions of people who only know of you by a paragraph or two. If you don't think he is helping you ask him to refer you. Do you disagree with your counselor? But now, out of the blue, my wife has been cold, angry and disinterested for a month. Finally, I asked if we can talk about it. I told her I was demonstrating my commitment to change. She said for her it's too late. She was pleased to see change and hoped that would mean saving the relationship with my daughter. But, she said, for her the foundation of our relationship has crumbled, my efforts to be positive simply annoy her and she has no interest in counselling. She has made her choice, there really isn't much you can do but freeze assets and hold on tight. Since that conversation last week I have spoken with friends (very supportive) and I don't know if and where my wife is getting support - I hope she is. Everyone is shocked because they see us as a "great couple". Thats very common. The perfect couples getting the divorce I mean. I love her deeply, really regret my mistakes with her and my kids. They are my whole world. I feel like a zombie, am not eating and can't sleep. I would love advice please. It isn't so much that she won't see a marriage counselor, it is that when she refuses too it generally means she has given up. Advise; you suggest she see a counselor separately. But even if she does they generally won't try to convince her to change her mind. You can try to be amiable & discus terms of separation; Finances, living arrangements, the nine yards. Rarely, but sometimes the reality sets in & provides motivation to work on the relationship. Although it usually only affirms the choice but it can ease both into the divorce process. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through but I can tell you there is life after divorce although its a rocky road for awhile. I would suggest that if it does come down to a divorce you attempt to make it as amiable as possible, you will both always be your children's parents together & even though you can not control what she says about you I would caution you about bad mouthing your children's mother. That will never end well for you or for her if she bad mouths their father. I think you should work even harder on your relationship with your children. Kids learn most of what they carry into adulthood by example. I'm sorry & good luck to you. Edited May 28, 2011 by oldguy
Author numbandnumber Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 i Understand my wife's feelings that our marriage no longer satisfies her- and in fact, she is so dissatisfied she has given up. What I don't get is why she is not interested in rebuilding. We totally share interests and values. We both cherish our kids. We have a long history of caring for each other that can't be erased Of course decisions to split are based on feelings. But so are decisions to get together and decisions to rebuild. My wife feels she is done. Is there no way to influence that feeling? What a great site My wife and I have been together for 22 years and married for 18. We have 2 great kids 15 and 14. This week, after a month of coldness and disinterest, my wife said she is done and does not want to go to counselling. Some background. Our marriage has generally been happy but we argue occasionally over the years - always the same thing: My expectations are too high and she is made to feel not good enough. I have worked hard not to do this but I know I am a picky person. When I help out around the house my wife takes offense, suggesting that my efforts (cleaning, laundry etc) are telling her she doesn't do her share. That's not the truth and I say it, but she doesn't see it the same way. This has been a recurring trend. I admit, there have been times when I have expressed disappointment (and shouldn't have) but that is not the case most of the time. I just want to help. My wife makes most meals and does most of the taking kids to lessons, school etc. I do most of the home repairs, garden etc - So we are both busy and I don't think either of us resents what we do. Over the past 2 years I have argued with my 14 yr old daughter - power struggles that I have recently learned to pick my battles. And I am mostly MUCH better, with only occasional slips. I have been seeing a counselor about this. And more recently, I spoke with him about my marriage. Basically, he advised me to work on being more positive, less judgmental etc - and to work on things to make ME happier. But now, out of the blue, my wife has been cold, angry and disinterested for a month. Finally, I asked if we can talk about it. I told her I was demonstrating my commitment to change. She said for her it's too late. She was pleased to see change and hoped that would mean saving the relationship with my daughter. But, she said, for her the foundation of our relationship has crumbled, my efforts to be positive simply annoy her and she has no interest in counselling. Since that conversation last week I have spoken with friends (very supportive) and I don't know if and where my wife is getting support - I hope she is. Everyone is shocked because they see us as a "great couple". I love her deeply, really regret my mistakes with her and my kids. They are my whole world. I feel like a zombie, am not eating and can't sleep. I would love advice please.
robf1971 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I would love advice please. Classic infidelity symptoms.. Check all cellphone records, keylog her computer. Sadly my money's on their being at least an emotional affair.
coolheadal Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 i Understand my wife's feelings that our marriage no longer satisfies her- and in fact, she is so dissatisfied she has given up. What I don't get is why she is not interested in rebuilding. We totally share interests and values. We both cherish our kids. We have a long history of caring for each other that can't be erased Of course decisions to split are based on feelings. But so are decisions to get together and decisions to rebuild. My wife feels she is done. Is there no way to influence that feeling? I've done that myself too and get the feeling that there is something else going on that I am not aware of. Someone special or just hanging out with the girls she stay out over every Saturday is like this. Always saying the same thing nothing has changed! Get it out of your head nothing has changed. I don't want to be with you and I am not coming home tonight.
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